Category Archives: Big Piece of Cake

Destination on the Side

I’m away this week on a family vacation in CA/AZ, so I asked a few friends to send me guest posts. Some are new and some are golden oldies, but all are as fantastic as the women who wrote them.

Today, Heidi from Fancy Feet has honored us with a new post that utterly charmed me as pretty much everything she writes does. She’s currently working on a book about her experience as a burn victim/amputee and has been posting the most incredible pieces of the story on Fancy Feet. Heidi is one of those rare individuals who infuses everything she touches with hope, humor and courage – and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to meet her in person one day!

Welcome Heidi!

I was at my four year old son’s preschool graduation a few days ago. Little girls and boys in costumes showed off their dramatic skills they had been learning for the month of June, projecting their voices and gesturing with their hands, playing their assigned roles. Later the preschoolers walked single file in their caps with tassels to return to the stage to sing us a few songs. While they made their way to their spots a teacher read out what each child wanted to be when they grew up. Parents and grandparents that made up most of the audience laughed and clapped as potential firefighters, teachers, and doctors, who won by a landslide, filed onto the stage. There were a few lone career choices out there. My son, Benjamin, was the only one that wanted to be a spy when he grew up, but I think my favorite was one four year old boy who very much wanted to be a Person when he arrived at adulthood.

It was cute and refreshing all at once. How does one grow up to be a Person? I know it doesn’t pay much or, okay, at all. It’s no doctor. But what makes up a successful Person? I guess it hinges on how we define success.

We are survivors, sculptors, and navigators in our lives. We create, explore, define what matters to us, fail and rise again. We’re storytellers. We share, eager to talk, to make others a part of our stories, our lives. We listen. We impact our families, our communities as they in turn impact us. We do this daily. We do it over and over again. We do it without thinking we’re so used to living life this way and, yet, it’s no small feat.

We’re often ‘woken up’ to what’s going wrong with our lives. On almost every talk show, in thousands of magazine articles we’re blasted with how lacking we are. But, lately, I’ve been asking what’s going right, what is good? I’ve heard it said life is about the journey, not the destination. I have wanted so badly at times for that statement to be false. To scream, “It is about the destination! Screw the journey.” But, as I’ve discovered repeatedly, life is more about the journey with some destination on the side. The pitfalls we learn to avoid and victories we claim, the small sighing moments where we come to a conclusion or reach a part of ourselves that we thought we lost long ago. The storytelling. These moments, both small and monumental make up our lives. And they’re significant. They matter. I don’t always know where I’m going but I have learned where I’ve come from and I know who I am here and now. That has to count for something. Something big.

We have choices at our feet and years of experience on our side. We get to be travelers in our lives. Successful travelers. Persons who leave their mark reaching multiple destinations along our way. Some journeys are great and winding and long. Others are shorter and steeper. And we keep moving, we keep going. Because we can. Because of the hope of what may be.

Thanks Heidi! I love this image of us all being travelers in life…let’s check our itineraries so we can meet up along the way and compare passports.

Party Pooper

I’m away this week on a family vacation in CA/AZ, so I asked a few friends to send me guest posts. Some are new and some are golden oldies, but all are as fantastic as the women who wrote them.

Today, Jill from Scary Mommy tells us about her love/hate relationship with birthday parties (you may remember this one from last year). Jill isn’t afraid to show her scary side when it comes to motherhood, and she does it with a rare combination of grace and humor.

Welcome Jill!


You should know that I love birthdays. Truly. I love the never-ending countdown until the big day. I love to spoil my children rotten, waking them up with pancakes and balloons and making them feel like it’s the best day of the year. I love buying them gifts, wrapping them and hiding them, eagerly anticipating their reactions. It’s so much fun. Having said that, I’m not a big fan of birthday parties. As a host I find them draining, expensive and stressful. As a guest they rank pretty low on my list of what I’d like to be doing on a Saturday afternoon, slightly above a trip to the pediatrician and several notches below spending a rainy day at home.

For Lily’s third birthday, I handmade every stupid invitation from scratch, slaving over them for weeks. I cut, I printed, I drew, I glued, I tied. It was work. And they were good. A few days later she found a cheap Cinderella fill-in-the-blank in her cubby and asked why she didn’t get to have the beautiful princess invitation too? It was so much nicer that what she had. Lovely. Her most recent party was a joint effort during which I learned that I am way to much of a control freak to ever plan a party with anyone again. Ever.

When one of the kids get invited to a party, it’s rubbed mercilessly in the others face for weeks. Once the big day comes, the cheap trinkets the attendee brings home are suddenly the most desirable toys in the house. The fights over them can last for days. Balloons inevitably end up in the ceiling fan and the sugar crashes far outweigh the high that preceded them.

And what about the blowing out of the candles? I think this is the oddest of traditions. When else is it considered acceptable for a kids to spit all over communal food? After I’ve survived the pure chaos of a party, your kid needs to spit all over the cake that mine is about to consume? And then take another deep gasp and do it again? And again? How difficult is it to blow out five candles in one breath? And this is after the icing has inevitably been taste tested by a slew of grimy pre-school fingers. Yuck.

Am I the the only one gagging over spit on cake, or do I have some company here? Or have I just forever ruined birthdays for the rest of you?

Thanks for dropping by Jill…and for ruining birthday cake for me. You’re the best!

The Next Couple of Weeks…

Tomorrow, I’m getting on a plane with Chris and all three kids. So as you can imagine, I can’t wait! Actually – I really am excited for the rest of the vacation which will start at the beach in California and end at my in laws’ house in Phoenix (technically Paradise Valley for those of you who know the area).

It will be nice to get away for a little bit and take a break from therapy (for Oliver) and waiting rooms (for the twins and me) and the messy messy house that I swear makes its own messes while we’re off having fun in therapy appointments and waiting rooms.

Now I just have to pack…

While I’m gone, some guest posters will be helping me stay true to my post every Monday through Friday Summer schedule (yeah for other people doing my work for me!) So check back often for daily flashes of brilliance. Just don’t get used to it since I’ll be back in a week.

It occurred to me though, that I’ll need to catch up on a week’s worth of reading when I return. So that second week, I’m going to fulfill my daily post commitment with some oldies but goodies. But since I don’t have time to indulge my OCD tendencies and read through two years of writing to pick five posts…I’m going to have to try something more arbitrary.

I’m going to pick five dates and then The Price is Right style, either pull a post from that date of the first date prior. What do you mean, you don’t understand my The Price is Right rules reference? You obviously wasted most of your childhood playing outside in the sunshine… Just take my word for it – this totally makes sense (to me).

Okay – if I want to leave for the airport with packed suitcases and not a few random pieces of clothing thrown into Target shopping bags, I’m going to have to unplug for the rest of the day…so all of those return comments I meant to work on are going to have to wait a couple of weeks. Don’t worry – I’m not ignoring you – I’m just folding laundry.

Have a wonderful week off (from me)!

Hot Men’s Fashions Currently Sweeping…My Family

So I thought Eleanor was the most stubborn of my children with her insistence on wearing only dresses… But not so!

Both Oliver and George are standing firm on some of their own inconvenient (for me) fashion statements.

My oldest, Oliver, who was once rarely clothed by choice, has turned into that guy at the beach who refuses to take off his shirt. I’m not sure if it’s poor body image or poor circulation, but that boy won’t take off his damn shirt. Ever. This was kind of ridiculous at the pool – so I had to just buy him a surf shirt and be done with it.



He looks pretty cute though. Wonder if the haircut I plan to enforce on him tomorrow will ruin his scruffy surf boy look.

Then there’s George.

That feels like the theme of my life sometimes…”and then there’s George.”

Chris came back from business trip to Portland, OR recently with “Oregon” shirts for all the kids. George made the executive decision to make this shirt his daily wardrobe and scream his dog whistle shriek whenever it’s not available. I mean I have to wash it at LEAST once a week right? Anyway – here it is:


I know! Why THAT shirt? I don’t even question these things anymore. It’s just one of the arbitrary decrees that come down from Kid Parliament every now and again (why England? I don’t know – I only have five minutes to write this stuff!)

He calls it his “Letter Shirt.” I guess because of the neon letters on it? Either way, I’m disappearing it next week when we’re on vacation. The two blankies are enough. He doesn’t need a third that he can wear.

But I must say…it’s a far preferable alternative to another look he’s been known to bust out now and again. When you have a twin sister and you’re a bit too young to completely understand gender roles, tutus happen:


That kid’s two bananas away from Carmen Miranda!

George has only himself to blame for me posting that incriminating picture online. Stop drawing on my walls fifteen year old George! I don’t care if you haven’t done that in 12 years…I’m annoyed with you now. Disobey me now – suffer the consequences later. Karma’s a bitch kid.

I Think We’re Alone Now…

…the beating of our hearts is the only sou-ound.*

Chris is sitting on our front steps with the kids right now, so I seem to have one of my five minute windows to write a little something…

You know what I’m just loving about summer vacation so far? Being with my children TWENTYFOURSEVEN! Never a dull minute, I tell you…

Well, I do find Max and Ruby kind of dull…but I don’t say anything since it might hurt feelings. The rest of the day though? Laugh-A-Minute.

The whining, the crying, the fighting, the general exactly-when-are-you-going-to-grow-out-of-that-ishness… Good times.

Here is my favorite thing that anyone said all day:

Eleanor: Mo-om! George pooped on the wa-all….

That little rapscallion… What WILL I do with him?

And that’s just the twins. Oliver had me in stitches all day with his antics. Running in front of that truck in the Target parking lot…taking his seat belt off while I was driving 65 miles an hour on the Beltway… Hot on the heels of locking himself in the car in 90 degree weather while I frantically searched the neighborhood for him. Stop it Oliver! You’re killing me! I’m serious.

I thought that we could all use a break from the hilarity sometime in the late morning – so I dragged everyone to the YMCA. They ran around the kids’ gym while I took a pilates class. The first pilates class I’ve ever taken, I might add. And let me tell you – I feel great! I’m hoping that I might actually be able to walk again tomorrow.

Since I didn’t want to set the bar TOO high for our summer fun – I thought we’d better skip the community pool today. And they were all pretty cool about it. After a Valium and five popsicles, Eleanor took this minor disappointment in stride.

We really had to save our strength anyway since this is the second week of Oliver’s auditory processing therapy in Bethesda, MD. And we had that rush hour commute to look forward to.

I don’t know what I enjoyed more… Eleanor having a pee pee accident in the car on the way there with no change of clothes…or Oliver spilling ice cream soup all over himself on the way back. Oliver has an edge since his mess was the result of him shoving his fist into the cup to make this really cool squelching noise…. But no…no, George gets a gold star for the day with his shrieks of frustration over anyone trying to interrupt him. When he was ONLY talking nonstop the whole way there and the whole way back.

They had me at pooped on the wall. They complete me.

Seriously though – I do love those little boogers. And they really did have just as many adorable moments of brilliance today. I can’t remember any at the moment…but they happened. And I’ll treasure them always.

*This post was sponsored by Tiffany and Prozac.

You have to read this…

The day got away from me and then I had a couple of glasses of wine and writing just isn’t going to happen now…

But I read this earlier today and I laughed more than I have all week (and that’s saying a lot in a house with three kids between ages three and five):

Large Like Jabba The Hutt

I generally love everything Chris writes – but this is hilarious. Enjoy.

The Worst Fear (Alternatively Titled: Oliver’s Grandmothers Probably Shouldn’t Read This)

Since I’m fairly certain said grandmothers have not heeded my advice, I’d just like to put it out there that everyone is OKAY.

With the exception of maybe me… Though my robotic ability to shut down emotions when they threaten to render me unable to cease crying for the rest of my life did kick in about five minutes into my nervous breakdown. So that’s good.

This talent of mine serves me well because at the core, I’m a very fearful person. I worry about everything. When I was little I would worry about tidal waves and twisters. I worried about nuclear war and my parents dying. I had night terrors and no matter how irrational, I couldn’t stand next to my bed after dark without imagining a hand reaching out from under to grab my ankle. The world was fraught with danger and I was keenly aware of every awful thing that could possibly happen to me. I saw shark infested waters – both literally and figuratively.

So now, I disconnect. I just don’t think about it anymore. I simply don’t have time. I have too much to juggle and it’s made me very practical. I’m a good person to have around in a crisis. I’m calm and analytical. I wait to hear all the facts before forming an opinion. And I don’t consider the worst until the truth grabs me by the neck and slams me against the wall. Even then I’ll hold it together. For me, it’s a matter of survival.

But we all have our breaking point. And I hit mine yesterday when for about five to ten minutes in the late morning, I lost Oliver. Meaning, I searched my immediate neighborhood and I couldn’t find him anywhere.

One minute I was walking in my front door to get Eleanor a cup of water and the next I was racing around our block, frantically calling his name.

When I left him, he was sitting about ten feet away from our house in (of course) a patch of dirt. He was drinking the first cup of water I brought out for Eleanor since he drained his own so quickly that I just gave him hers and ran back in to get more.

When I stepped back outside, I found George engrossed in turning on the water for the garden hose and the absence of Oliver. A yellow plastic cup lay on its side on the patch of dirt. No spills – no mud. He drank all of it.

Ignoring Eleanor’s constant chatter behind me, I asked George to turn OFF the water – he knows that he’s not allowed to play with the hose – and WHERE did Oliver go.

My younger son pointed vaguely down the block and said, “down the hill.” It was obvious that George had no idea where his brother went, but I started walking in that direction. It was as good as any other.

Oliver tends to wander off. Never far, and typically to predictable locations, but I always have that brief pang of “what if?” The one that we barely register since it borders on unnecessary drama and fully crosses the line of unlikely. And by the time it could possibly gather momentum, the child appears – blissfully ignorant of the big bad world and its predators lurking behind every theoretical corner. Then we yell or hug or get distracted by another child. But the resonance of that pang stays with us long enough for a glimpse of perspective. What truly matters in our lives. Those lost earrings become a welcome price to pay – the trade off for this moment of relief. So lucky…a charmed life I’m living, really.

But when I reached the end of our townhouse row and turned the corner, my child wasn’t there.

And when I turned the next corner, he still wasn’t there. Or the next corner. Or the next. And suddenly, I was back where I started.

I looked at the strange men doing landscaping and noticed for the first time that they all drive vans. Then I asked George again, “WHERE did Oliver go? Is he inside?” Before even hearing his answer, I crossed the street to look in the good climbing tree. Then I doubled back to try the path to the bridge where we throw rocks in the water. Our neighbor was walking his dog there and said he hadn’t seen Oliver. So I went up another set of steps that would lead me back to the area behind our house.

Then I quickly returned to the front and ran into the house, still calling for him. Eleanor said he wasn’t there but I kept calling. At the door to the basement, I heard how hoarse my voice sounded. I didn’t notice that I was still holding Eleanor’s second cup of water until I hurled it down the stairs.

Back outside. More searching.

Too much walking and running and calling “Oliver…Oliver…OLIVER…OLIVER…OLIVEROLIVEROLIVER!” The twins echoed my calls and I realized that they were now both on the front lawn, trying to aid me in my search. Within minutes they would be lost in the neighborhood too, so I pushed-dragged them to my friend’s house two doors down, and barked, “stay there I don’t know where Oliver is stay THERE!”

We had all been at this house earlier for a casual brunch, and several other mothers were still there. My friend asked if she should call the police and I think I said yes – but I may have just showed her the yellow cup in the patch of dirt. Because he was JUST there a minute ago.

But more than a minute had now passed. Many minutes. Too many. And with each one, the vapor of “unlikely” continued to gain substance. I ran back across the street and through another cul de sac, distantly aware of other voices calling my son’s name.

It was only when I was looking down a hill at the nearby creek that I heard my name. Someone (or everyone) was calling for me. And that meant they found him. It never occurred to me that it could have been anything else. Anything else would be unbearable.

As I rushed back up the street and my house came into view, I saw another neighbor helping Oliver step out of my car. MY CAR. He was in my car.

Me – the city girl who once never left her car unlocked for a single minute. Not even to run into the house for forgotten sunglasses. Because leaving a car unlocked meant that strangers could get in. Maybe steal it. At the very least, pilfer the meter change hidden away in the glove compartment. That city girl, now lulled by her quiet suburban neighborhood and distracted by multiple children let locked car doors fall off the radar. Constant vigilance was reserved for boiling pots of water on the stove and cleaning fluids locked under the sink. Not the car.

And my five year old son climbed into a black Ford Expedition with tinted windows and child safety locks in 90 degree weather.

If one of my friends hadn’t seen a flicker of movement, who knows how long it would have taken for me to find him there. And what that could have meant.

Let’s play hide and seek mommy! Where’s Oliver…

That is real fear. The vampires and sharks of my childhood look like Smurfs and Care Bears when pitted against the fear of losing my child.

I barely said thank you to the people who helped me search for Oliver as I silently led him into the house. And the minute the door closed, I burst into tears. I was SO scared. I couldn’t find you. You were LOST.

I could have yelled or spanked him. I could have sent him to his room for the rest of the day. I could have held him tight and asked if he was okay, told him everything would be alright. I’m here now. Mommy’s here.

Instead I sat and cried and said I was scared. So scared.

At first he laughed. The nervous laughter we’ve all experienced when faced by something impossible. It wasn’t just a crack in his mother’s composure. I dissolved before his eyes. I fell to pieces and I couldn’t help myself.

But I think this probably made more of an impact. If he was scared while locked in the car, he didn’t show it. He has his own walls – his own habits of disconnecting with reality. But he too has a breaking point, and apparently, it’s me. We both cried and said we were scared. And said we were sorry.

Then joined by the twins, we fell into a teary, sweaty heap in front of the TV and decided not to leave the house until it was time for Oliver’s therapy appointment.

I sat with all three of my children and basked the luxury of knowing that they were safe. Nothing bad could happen to them in that moment – I could protect them with four walls, air conditioning and the tedium of passive parenting. With my physical presence. As long as we could see each other, nothing could touch us.

Hours passed, therapy was received, and commuter traffic was endured. And when we returned to the slower speed limit of our neighborhood, the last traces of our anxiety dropped away. I opened the windows and turned up the radio. Warm air rushed in to remove the chill of fear.

In my side mirror I saw Oliver putting his hand out the window to feel the breeze. Part of me thought, “keep arms and legs in the vehicle at all times…” but I remember pushing my own palm against the wind when I was his age. No tree limbs or other cars ever came close enough to hurt me. I never worried about that. Earthquakes maybe…but not losing my hand to swerving motorcyclist.

So I decided not to worry about it now. I put my own hand out the window and felt the pressure of wind. My own flesh and bone, solid and invincible against the blast. With a little tension and concentration, I couldn’t be moved. I could even push back.

The what ifs will never go away. They linger on the edges of our every movement, decision, omission… And sometimes they catch up with us. There is always a terrible story to hear. To simultaneously feel sorrow for others and immense gratitude for our own luck, grace, karma.

I once read a brilliant line about what it means to become a parent. While the source left my memory long ago, the sentiment stayed with me – that someone’s child was born and “fate took a hostage.”

Every day I feel the truth of this. And it humbles me. I have to take responsibility for my power and accept my powerlessness and ultimately just hope that my luck will hold.

And I do that every day. I guess we all do.

It’s a charmed life I’m living. Really.

10 Random Reasons Why I’m Not Fun

1. I don’t like roller coasters or really ANYTHING about amusement parks. They’re smelly and sticky and the fact that I’m generally the best dressed patron within my line of sight depresses me.

2. I hate playing games. But I’ve already written about that.

3. Practical jokes make me very uncomfortable. When people tell each other awful stories that end with “just kidding!” – I typically jump in halfway through with the truth just to ruin the hilarious cruelty. April Fools day is hell for me.

4. I hate being tickled. If you try to tickle me, I may hurt you. Infancy was hell for me.

5. I don’t care for surprises. Especially surprise parties. As the guest of honor, I will most likely spend the whole night thinking that I would have worn something completely different if I had known the truth.

6. In a perfect world, I would prefer to pick out all of my own gifts. I know “it’s the thought that counts,” but give me a well thought out gift card any day.

7. Conga lines make me cringe. (Disclaimer: this aversion doesn’t seem to tie in with other coordinated dance activities. For instance, I don’t have a problem with the Electric Slide…but may be related to my love of synchronized dance routines).

8. I’m the only woman I know who doesn’t LOVE Dirty Dancing. I’m not sure if it was the forbidden dance moves or the terrible dialogue. Either way – suggestive pelvis grinding in a public place? I’ll sit this one out, thanks. Seriously, Baby – if that corner isn’t taken…

9. I have never understood the entertainment value of a food fight. Other people see good ‘ol adolescent, pie in the face fun…I see dry cleaning bills and floor scrubbing.

10. Innuendo and potty humor have never appealed to me. Getting an elbow nudge from my husband to accompany a wink wink if you know what I mean/that’s what she said kind of joke just makes me wonder if he’s ever actually met me before. It’s amazing how almost any conversation can quickly devolve into that type of banter. Sixth grade was hell for me.