Parents
Kate (36*)
Chris (35*)
Children
Oliver (almost 3 1/2)
George (almost 2)
Eleanor (almost 2)
*I included the ages of the children as a frame of reference and then decided to do it for all of us. Just like Us Weekly and People Magazine. They always do that. I don’t know about you – but I find something very reassuring about knowing how old people in magazines are. So what the hell – we’re old.
A Little Background:
It’s Sunday. The day started at 7:30 a.m. (which is a miracle since it usually starts at 6:00 a.m.). Chris left on Saturday for a business trip. I am alone with the kids for the day – and while it’s sunny, it’s also too muddy to play outside.
Oliver: Play Doh please!
Kate: Okay – let’s all play at the table. Sit in chairs. No Play Doh on the floor.
Eleanor: Pway Doh!
George: (Drags a chair over to the TV to play with the buttons.)
Oliver: Snakes!
Kate: Okay – let’s make snakes.
Eleanor: Nakes!
Kate: Oliver – put your Play Doh back on the table. George – that’s too loud. Come back to the table.
Eleanor: Tay-boo!
Kate: (Moves both George and his chair back to the table as he shrieks like he’s being dipped in a vat of boiling oil.)
Oliver: More snakes please!
Kate: Okay – let’s make more snakes.
Eleanor: Nakes!
Kate: George, I said stop it. Come back to the table. That’s too loud. (Moves both George and his chair back to the table.)
George: (Emits a sound that bursts dog eardrums throughout the neighborhood.)
Kate: Okay – who poopied? I smell poopie.
Oliver: Candy please!
Eleanor: Caddy!
Kate: No candy. George did you poopie? Hey – Play Doh stays on the table!
[Omit approximately 30 minutes of more of the same.]
Kate: Okay – that’s it! No more Play Doh. Oliver – do you have to go potty?
Eleanor: Potty!
Oliver: No…
Kate: Let’s go try. George and Eleanor, you come too.
Eleanor: Too!
Kate: George – I said that’s enough. Stop playing with the TV. Let’s all go upstairs.
Eleanor: Dairs!
[Omit the 15 minutes that it actually takes to get everyone upstairs.]
Kate: Okay Oliver – come on, lets go potty.
Eleanor: Potty!
Kate: Pee Pee first.
George and Eleanor: Pee Pee!
Oliver: (Stands at the potty and pees.)
George and Eleanor: (Try to position heads directly under the “flow” in hopes of getting the best view.)
Kate: Hey – that’s too close! Okay Oliver, let’s go potty now.
Eleanor: Potty!
Oliver: (Sits on the potty.) Candy please!
Eleanor: Caddy!
Kate: No candy.
George: (Muffled shrieks of delight from another room.)
Kate: George! Where did you go?
[Everyone moves from bathroom to master bedroom where George is jumping on the bed.]
[Phone rings.]
Kate: (Answers the phone.) Hello? George get off the bed!
Chris (on the phone): Hi! It sounds a little crazy over there.
Kate: Oh – you know, the usual. Eleanor get down!
Eleanor: Down!
Kate: So what are you up to? Oliver? Where did you go?
Chris: I’m looking for Starbucks but it’s not here. They said I should go to…
Kate: OLIVER! Get out of the shower! Put that down! Oh my god – it’s all over the place….NO! Don’t do that – you’re going to slip…
Chris: What happ….
Kate: Oliver just spilled soap all over the shower stall and now it’s all over his legs and all over the floor and…OLIVER! Get off the bed – you’re getting soap everywhere!
Chris: Okay – it sounds like you’re busy, so I’ll let you…
Kate: Okay bye! (hangs up)
Eleanor: Bye!
Kate: Okay Oliver (back to being calm Mom) let’s get that soap off of your legs so it doesn’t get all over the bed. George and Eleanor, get down (takes George off the bed and puts him on the floor).
George: (Screams and flails – then hits a note so high that glassware can be heard shattering throughout the house.)
Kate: Eleanor (puts Eleanor on the floor), you too.
Eleanor: Too!
Kate: I smell poopie. Eleanor – did you poopie? Oliver! What did I say? No jumping on the bed – get down!
Eleanor: Down!
Kate: George! (Lunges for George as he starts to climb back up on the bed, but trips and bangs head on the corner.) Ow! Shit!
Eleanor: Sit!
Kate: (Takes a minute to recover and then looks up to see all three kids now jumping on the bed.) Okay – everyone get down NOW. I said NO JUMPING!
Eleanor: Dupping!
Kate: (Changing tactics.) Hey – who wants to watch Curious George?
[Children continue to jump on the bed.]
Kate: Who wants to watch The Wiggles?
[Children continue to jump on the bed.]
Kate: Who wants milk?
[Children continue to jump on the bed.]
Kate: Who wants cheese?
[Children continue to jump on the bed.]
Kate: Who wants popcorn?
[Children continue to jump on the bed.]
Kate: Okay – who wants candy?!
[Children scream, “candy!” and trample each other in an effort to get to the stairs first.]
[It is now 9:30 a.m.]
Epilogue: I took them to McDonald’s for lunch.
Items of note:
- My children have to scream everything they say.
- Almost everything I say to them begins with “Okay.”
- Eleanor repeats everything I say as if she’s my own personal pirate crew.
- George is the quietest of the three (when he’s not shrieking like a girl).
- Oliver was naked for most of this story.
- Chris only really made a cameo appearance in this story.
- I let them watch entirely too much television.
- I spend entirely too much time talking about poop.
- My children think food is love.
- There is a reason that I work full time.
I love that you are constantly saying, “I smell poopie.” I’m telling you, after awhile it’s like you smell it all the time, even when no child has made any. I am worried about my olfactory senses; they are being abused or going haywire. Thanks for the laugh!
That sounds about right. Just an average day in a house full of toddlers.
But it doesn’t change much when they get bigger though. :) Sorry.
you make me laugh! I loved it! it sounds so so true- how the time can go so slowly :) yr hysterical! xo
That was wonderfully funny. I so know what you mean! It takes incredible patients not to scream sometimes at the top of your lungs. I have to do some major Jedi mind tricks not to lose it when the kids are out of control.
That is hysterical–I love everything about it. By the way, did you notice that George and Eleanor are the same age? they could be twins! And did Chris ever get his Starbucks? And I don’t want to say anything, but you appear to be the oldest family member. Let me know where I can pick up my “Best Reader” award!
K – Poop is like the 6th family member in our house. I think I need to buy stock in Fabreez.
Melissa – I’m glad you got the point. I certainly don’t think my house is crazier than any other house – this was just a window into “one of those days.” So glad to hear I have many more to look forward to when the children start to outweigh me.
Amy – What can I say? I love you.
Anastasia – We have such similar family dynamics. With the exception of your 3 year old being able to have a discussion about the meaning of life. I love that boy. He definitely keeps things interesting at your house.
Marinka – You really ARE the sharpest knife in the drawer. From now on I’m including a quiz at the end of each post to separate the readers (you) from the skimmers (probably everyone else since my posts are ridiculously long).
Oh that is awesome! someone else has days like me (and phone convos w/ their DH like me).
Sometimes living with my 3 year old daughter is like having a very enthusiastic high school cheerleader. Aaaaah!
What is truth? This post is truth. Personally I avoid letting people know about my television and candy methods for coping with toddlers, so I admire your courage.
Thanks for the laugh.
I’m overwhelmed with one kid so I can’t even imagine what its like with three so close in age. You deserve a medal or sainthood.
Haha, this cracked me up, especially how Eleanor repeats everything. For some unknown reason, it reminded me of the part in Just Friends where they are at the bar and she repeats everything. “Tjayyy!” If you haven’t seen that movie, then I probably just sound like a crazy person.
How did you get into my house to see thia and where did that extra kid come from
Oh thanks heavens, I am not alone. I thought I was the only one who was not able to have a phone converstion with children in the house.
But from 9:30 until the end of the day they sat quietly and read The New Yorker, right? ;)
Thank you for this hilarious post and for the nice comment on my blog! It would be great if you linked to that post and maybe a few more people would participate and donate! Thanks again for the kind words. Gotta go clean up after a 16 month old now…!
:)
Emily
i just came across your blog and i’m crying i’m laughing so hard….that was great! i can totally relate and i only have one so far! haha
I’m am rolling on the floor over here! You poor thing! LOLOLOL!!!
Did you really have to write this? Because this is me very, very soon. Only with the addition of a nine-year-old. Just freakin’ shoot me now.
its as if you narrated a day in my life, except i only have two (3 and 20 months, for statistical purposes of course.)
i could talk about poop foreva !!
Oh wow Kate, thank you – you just made me laugh out loud AGAIN today. This is soooo funny!!! I’m going through your blog to see what I missed since I went to the hospital almost three weeks ago!
This is great!
It’s funny and your style is wonderful. So glad I came in from BPotW!
Oh, I love it. I need to go take a nap now though. I need to learn how to hog tie my youngest so this can be prevented at my house…
Thanks for sharing your post at Best Posts of the Year!