I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before – but my three year old son, Oliver is weird.
I remember several kids like that. They were the ones who ate paste in kindergarten, fell into the pond on the second grade field trip and consistently got in trouble for “touching people” in more or less every grade through middle school. And now, as it turns out, I’ve given birth to one.
Oliver also has very delayed speech, and adds a lot of jargoning (the official word for jibber jabber) to his special needs quirkiness. So yes – I have one very odd little duck as my first born. I have of yet to meet any almost four year old like him. And the truth is – I love him for every single bizarre behavior he throws my way.
I don’t just think he’s “special” – I think he’s FABULOUS. No one – and I mean no one – shows enthusiasm for preferred activities like Oliver. He doesn’t just hug you – he flings himself at you. He doesn’t just watch DVDs – he acts out the stories. He doesn’t just finger paint – he body paints. He doesn’t just say “please” – he proclaims PLEASE! He loves to be tickled and will beg you to keep going until even you can’t stand it anymore.
Instead of wasting my time on worries though, I prefer to plan for tomorrow, next week and next year. I work with his teacher on figuring out where this speech delay originates and strategize about how to correct it in the short and long term. We have more or less ruled out autism with a pediatric neurologist and are on to having his ultra-waxy ears cleaned out for a hearing test so that he can be assessed by a developmental pediatrician. As Miss Erin (or as Oliver calls her, “Miss Smerin”) likes to say, he is a bit of a puzzle. There seem to be several issues at play and all are fairly elusive…
But I really don’t spend too much time thinking about the problems and the boy that he was “supposed to be.” I’m far too busy enjoying the boy that he is. I recently spoke with a close childhood friend who has an autistic son and we agreed that not only is this better for them, it’s better for us. In describing her own son, she said, “every day, he makes us laugh. He’s just his own little person. While the other boys are in time outs for fighting over what to watch on TV, he’s busy figuring out the remote controls.”
This makes me happy just thinking about it – the fact that it’s okay like our kids for being different. Who got to decide that there is only one way to be anyway?
But the hard reality is that there is a standard for “normal.” That’s the reason that there is a special needs label. And it is our job to take our special needs children and try to teach them how to navigate a world that wasn’t set up with them in mind. It’s hard. And it’s scary. For all of us. But it’s not impossible.
I could so easily fall into despair over the “what ifs” associated with Oliver’s future – but what good does that do either of us? He deserves better than that. I’m the grownup and I set the tone for our house. If I am an emotional wreck over the things I can’t control, then everyone suffers for it. And at the end of the day, he’s not responsible for my feelings – but I am responsible for his.
So if he finds a ball of yarn entertaining, and wants to spend his quiet time unraveling it and then lashing all of the furniture together…fine. I’ll clean it up later (but only after he’s gone to bed since its disappearance could usher in “the end of the world”). If he wants to bring 12 straws to bed with him – or possibly all of the kid toothbrushes we own – who am I to judge? Perhaps this is soothing to him. Maybe he likes the way they feel in his hand – or just the fact that he can hold “all” of something in that one hand. He jargons reasons to me and I just say “fine.” I may do a little struggling first, but in the end, I let him decide. No one ever died from bringing straws to bed.
And every day I see progress – and his beautiful smile. And I know that it will be okay. Even though I understand that he’ll never be the easy going child that glides effortlessly through life. Or…maybe he eventually will. I’ll never know if I don’t do everything I can to help cultivate his self confidence. And his confidence in my own unwavering support.
I’m not a particularly religious person, but I consider each one of my children to be miraculous. And their current challenges and oddities just make them all the more unique and special. I need all of them as much as I need food and water. I need them to be safe and I need them to be happy. I need them to grow and laugh and love and know that there is nothing more important in this world to me than their existence. And if they have their own special needs – then I will meet them. I will be there from the time that they are unaware of these challenges to the time that their own personal demons emerge. I will always be there for them. Because in the end, I need them far more than they could ever need me.
That was so beautiful Kate. I’m sure Oliver will read this one day and see how wonderful a mom he has and how much she loves him.
Oliver will be fine because he is loved and cared for and he will navigate through this world with those things to hold on to.
I miss you.
:)
LOVED this post. I feel that mothering my children well is the absolute most iportant thing I will ever do. I feel a deep sense of joy as I see them feel loved and secure while in my care. You are such a good mother and he is a very blessed son, a very cute one at that.
Beautiful boy! (He’s not “weird” – don’t say that!) We’ve dealt with a few diagnoses that have been heart-wrenching. (I’ve chosen not to blog about them.) Suffice to say the child with “issues” is doing beautifully and his future looks bright.
What I relate to the most in this post is your comment, “And I think my heart might break when I worry about the people who won’t understand him or appreciate him.” I still piece my heart together when our son endures this situation. So painful to witness and parent through.
Oliver is adorable and you’re doing a wonderful job, Mom!
I feel so selfish when I read this post. Your son is very lucky to have you as his mother
Kate this was the most touching post you’ve ever written. I loved it, and I’m sure Oliver will appreciate reading it when he’s older too. He is lucky that you are his mom. Of course, so are George and Eleanor! Like Anastasia, I miss you too.
Precious, Kate. He seems like a real gem… :)
You are a great mom! Just wanted you to hear (or read) it from me!
LOVED this one Kate! Special is the new normal. I think lots of moms could benefit from a similar outlook.
This is one of my favorite posts from you… and as always, beautifully written. I don’t share much about Wyatt and his “conditions” on my blog (or in person for that matter), but I’m sure we could have some serious heart-to hearts about our first borns.=)
That was a very touching post. My little brother (who is now 21) has some of the same things in addition to some others and I have not been a very good sister. I used to feel like my parents babyied him more and he got more attention, and now we don’t have a very good relationship, I wish I could see things the way you do and the way my parents did!
Kate,
This is so beautifully expressed.
It really tugs at the heart strings. As I’ve said before, you are the best Mom in the world. You and Oliver are so lucky to have each other. You bring out the best in each other. The constant love and understanding you give him supplies a sense of security and self confidence that will help him meet all of life’s challenges.
I love you both soooo much. Mom
yeah Kate, I completely agree with you, you are a wonderful mother, beautifully written.
What a lovely valentine to Oliver.
I tend to think that every child falls somewhere on some spectrum.
My older is ‘sensitive’ worries over everything as I worry over him. My younger is aggressive, hyperactive, you choose the diagnosis, but he will sail through life as he is also easy-going.
No one can decide how their child was supposed to have turned out. We love them all the more for their specialness.
That was so beautiful. Every child is unique and beautiful in their own way so its best not to get hung up on lables and just accept them for who they are. You are both lucky to have eachother.
Beautiful sentiments, beautifully expressed.
I have a (pretty mild, on the scale of these things) visual impairment. Once upon a time being disabled made you an object of pity – now there are laws to say that adjustments must be made.
The world wasn’t set up with your son in mind, but the world will catch up… slowly.
I loved reading this! He is so cute, and you are a fantastic mom!
Oh, also can you please send me your address! Thank you!:)
Lesliesloan@shaw.ca
Wow. Wow. And wow.
You have an amazing perspective and a beautiful heart for your children. Thank you for sharing this.
Of course this resonates with me so much because of Asher. I just don’t care if he’s different, I don’t know if he will be, but I’m so crazy about him. No matter what his condition has done to his brain he’s so freaking awesome.
I know you get what I’m saying so I’ll stop rambling now :)
Its great to see how accepting you are of your son—it is so important that our children know that we love them—unconditionally!
My last son was in a special needs pre-school—for delayed development in speech—he couldn’t say complete sentences. It was the best thing that we did, though, as he just blossomed with the extra help…
Such a great tribute to your son—-he will love to read it someday.
What a great post! I think my favorite, to date.
You’re an awesome example and I thank you for sharing.
By the way, what a cutie!!
What a beautiful son you have! He is so lucky to have you as his mother.
What a tear jerker! Oliver is a beautiful little boy (love the sweet pictures of him) and all of your children are very fortunate to have such a loving and understanding mom.
He’s lovely.
And you rock.
You are fabulous. I love this post. He is incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mom. He’ll be okay because he has you. And you’ll be okay because you have him.
This is wonderful! I wish wish wish I had been able to have this perspective about my firstborn. AND I wish I had surrounded him with other people who also appreciated him for who he is/was.
I have tears in my eyes.
This part: “My son is the greatest gift that I have ever been given. All of my children are. And I refuse to squander any of this fleeting time with them on anger or ingratitude.” Amem, Amen, Amen.
What a fantastic post. I have a feeling you will give him a magical, happy childhood.
That was such a great post! One of my favorites.
Okay… everyone has already taken my first words. From, “that was beautiful” to “wow, wow, wow!”
So I am currently speechless. Well, sort of.
I loved this post Kate. You’re an amazing mother… Oliver is a very lucky little boy.
What a beautiful post. Very strong and encouraging as I head into this new love and challenge called Motherhood! Thank you so much for sharing!!
He is so beautiful and lots of great people ate paste. I did.
Kate, you’re making me all weepy eyed over here. Beautiful post friend:)
Thanks for sharing Kate! It was lovely!!
And Normal is only a setting on washing machines.
I think Oliver is very blessed to be in a family that loves him for everything he is!
This is absolutely gorgeous. Posts like this can’t help but make me think, maybe I DO want to push a football through my vag one day…
Beautifully written.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.
kate
your son is beautiful and you are correct. you are so lucky to have him but he is just as lucky to have such a great mom!
i know that the label “special needs” can be so difficult and it can just plain suck at times but its with people like you and i who make the difference by not letting it hold our kids back, huh?!?
loved this post :)
Kate, It’s posts like this one that make me long for a child of my own. I am envious of your love for him, I want to feel as selflessly about someone as you clearly do for Oliver. This post really touched me, and I am sure that it will touch him one day soon, too.
You are doing great, just keep being you and Oliver will be fine.
That is so wonderfully written. I have a fabulously fidgety wiggly little sensory integration disorder gal myself and she’s perfect.
Makes you wonder about “sensory processing disorder” Sounds like he just has a passion and Zest for life. is that a disorder?? sometimes I think we all could use a little more of that passion and zest and attack life MORE like we really WANT to live it.
Cute kid. Seriously.
And how blessed he is to have you as a mom. It isn’t easy dealing with those sensory needs. My middle one has some of those. And it still causes some problems at 15. But, nothing we can’t handle and yes, as much as he can be a handful, he is a bigger blessing.
Between you and Vodka mom today I have cried twice. Oh and just so you know my son would lie in a puddle too and does not sit still, like his father and his grandfathers.
Great post. I’m trying to to be overwhelmed by Max getting in trouble at school. When the VP called with him in her office, I only cried for one minute after hanging up. Then I moved on. You’re doing a great job focusing on the positive. I need to do the same.
What an amazing post. I worry about my kids all the time, (tons of mental health crap in our families,) but your writing makes me feel like whatever happens, I’ll deal with it. Thank you.
What a beautiful post! I have an Oliver or two in my Wednesday night AWANA class and I struggle to know what to do because we (as nonprofessional caretakers or teachers) haven’t been trained on how to maximize their learning and enjoyment while minimizing the distractions. I see each of them as special though and want to make sure they don’t get lost in the corner because we don’t know how to deal. So, thanks for your post!
And thanks for sharing with BPOTW!
Gorgeous. You said it all. You are all lucky to have such a strong, loving family.
I’m 26 weeks pregnant with my first (a girl), and this broke my heart and made it grow three sizes all at once. My husband sang a lullaby last night that was about a little girl that nobody wanted to play with and dear God, I thought my soul would shatter. My great fear for my daughter is her feeling the same sort of loneliness and rejection that I did as a child. Your son is so blessed to have such a loving, wonderful and accepting parent. It makes all the difference when you’re a little bit “unusual” as a child.
(PS – Came here via link on dcblogs)
You seem like a really good mom. Go, Oliver.
I love this post. sorry I missed this for our Baby Bunching bests last week. I will get it in on Sunday. Your son is a lucky boy.
We could all learn an enormous lesson about mothering from you…thank you for sharing your heart.
He sounds like a gem!
I love this post :) I have a 6 and a half year old who is a touch on the weird side as well. The only label he has ever been given has been been by me. I’m sure that will change when he goes to public school next year. There is nothing wrong with a little weirdness, imagine our world without it….bland!
Hi Kate – We are Zen Moments – a collection of inspirational stories.
Your wonderful post “Special needs” has been suggested to us by one of our mutual readers – Louise (tonesofhome) – and we would love to have your permission to publish it on our website. We would accredit you and link back to the original.
We would also send you a pre-publish preview page so that we could make any changes you like before it goes “live”. Previous writers have found that appearing on Zen Moments has considerably increased their readership – as we have had over 700,000 page views in 8 months!
You can contact us through our site or email: contact@zenmoments.org
Hope to hear from you soon
Warm wishes, Vanessa
I can really relate to what you’ve written – my eldest son was such hard work when he was small – and such fun! He’s now very independent and at university, such a relief! – While my younger son was a model baby and toddler, and is only now, as a teenager, making me tear my hair out! Neither of them fit into any generalised boxes – they’re both weird in their very own peculiar, maddening and utterly loveable ways!
Kate, I just read both posts and feel like I have so much to learn in the way of motherhood. Your children are so lucky to have you. Yes, you are lucky to have them, but they are SO SO lucky to have you, too. Just the simple act of being honest and accepting and loving them beyond words…that is something not all children get, whether they're "normal" or "weird".
I'm sure right now everyone is telling you there survivor stories, their me, toos. But I did know one girl who was like this in kindergarten. Weird did not even begin to describe her. She was constantly humming her own tune (literally), making weird movements with her body, her hands never stopped moving, and she was often by herself, either because nobody could relate to her or because she preferred to play alone. My class had the typical bullies but really, for some reason, nobody bothered this girl…at least not enough that I remember her being made fun of. She was so far out of the spectrum of normal, maybe, that they didn't touch her.
Anyway, I ended up having a lot of classes with her. She was labeled as Gifted & Talented, but, looking back now, she was also very clearly special in some way…those labels just didn't exist back then the way they do now. I will never know if she was actually autistic or what, exactly, but she was more than just G&T. Whatever it was, her parents, her teachers, someone was guiding her because the girl ended up being our class valedictorian. She went on to an ivy league school, has tons of friends, and got married. I haven't seen her in years, but I'm sure some of her quirks are still there. That's who she is. But it's really not what defines her. I have a feeling that just by the way you describe Oliver and how fabulous he is, how much he loves tickles and how hard he throws himself into life, that he, too, will be defined ultimately by things other than his weirdness.
(Sorry for the novel, btw!) xo
Sorry for the delay Kate – I've somehow managed to lose our e-mails.
Here's a preview page http://www.zenmoments.org/preview3/ – let us know if anything needs changing. Thankyou so much for sharing your lovely article. Vanessa from Zen Moments
This is beautiful! Thank you for expressing how special it is to be a mommy! Oliver seems like one amazing little guy!
I just found your blog when Sal posted it at Already Pretty, and I have to say this blog post is one of the awesomest I've ever read. My 2nd child has several 'issues' (for lack of a better word). Inattentive ADHD, borderline PDD, fine motor delay, working memory deficiency, processing speed deficiency. But he also has an amazing imagination, boundless enthusiasm, is so caring and adores animals. He's 7, and sincerely an awesome child, but it breaks my heart because his teacher just doesn't seem to 'get' him. I too worry about others ostracizing him because he's different. So far that's not the case, but it's still that mommy worry. Sigh. Motherhood is tough, but oh so rewarding.
Thanks for writing this and almost making me cry.
Now I have to go give my boys hugs.
Thank you for such a wonderful post. You brought out so many emotions in me that I couldn't help but cry and laugh.
I have 4 children and my 12 year old son, Austin, has SPD and is being tested for Asperger's Syndrome.
Life is a constant struggle for all of us. But, Austin has a way of creating comic relief that just makes it all worth while.
You are definitely blessed to have him and he is blessed to have you as a mom.
Hugs,
Erica