So I guess I promised a 1,000+ word dissertation on puke? I’d say that I must have been drunk – but it looks like I posted that at 2:15 p.m.
I’m kidding of course! I’ve been super excited to write my gargantuan post about puke. I’ve just been really busy with work and mothering and promoting my talented friend Christine.
I also haven’t had much time to think about what I’m going to say about puke… So this should be interesting (or really boring – depends on what direction the wine is blowing – does that even make sense?)
Okay – back to the beginning… Eleanor was sick earlier in the week. Some kind of stomach flu to be specific. And there was a moment when she was puking in my hand that I realized just how far I had come in terms of a vomit comfort zone.
You see, there was a time when I NEVER, ever threw up. Ever. I couldn’t. I would lie in bed sweating through the nausea and praying for death to come quickly, but I couldn’t bring myself to just lean over the toilet and heave. I just couldn’t. I had a mental block. Sometime after age nine, a switch was flipped and I literally “couldn’t” puke.
Then I was in college and 21 years old. You are going to find this very hard to believe, but I only puked once in college. Red shots were involved, but otherwise there was nothing of note to report. Seriously – I was home for the night and my roommate held my hair back for me. Snore.
Then I turned 25. And even that was kind of quiet in that I realized what was coming early enough during the birthday celebration to head home before things got ugly in public. I didn’t quite make it into the house, but at least I didn’t soil the cab. Just the street. Which was gleefully pointed out to me by my roommates until it finally rained. Thank god for April showers…
Then I was 30. I was married and not a party animal, and visiting my friend in New Jersey. In fact it was such a low key night that we were just meeting a few of her friends out in Hoboken for Friday night happy hour. The plan was to then have dinner at a good Mexican place and go home early since Saturday would be the night out in the city (for anyone not familiar with this term, “the city” means Manhattan). I’ve written about this once before, but the short version is that I didn’t eat much, but had a few very strong margaritas that made me VERY sick. In Hoboken. In fact, all over Hoboken. And to quote the famously succinct Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”
Then a year later I went to China and got food poisoning (it’s part of the experience – there are whole chapters on this in the guide books). The first non-alcohol related puke since my childhood – yeah!
And finally…THEN, I was pregnant and got a stomach flu in my eighth month. My car never smelled the same again…
So that concludes my illustrious history as an infrequent puker.
Why would I feel the need to provide that history? Well – aside from that fact that I can’t write any story without at least 10 paragraphs of background information…I do think it creates a context for my limited experience with vomit.
I don’t know about any other mothers out there, but when I decided to procreate, I did not sign on for vomit. I was a seasoned babysitter, so I expected exploding diapers. I knew that there would be an ungodly amount of diapers – and that was fine. I signed on for that. I was also familiar with spit up. It’s stinky and annoying, but not too bad. And it stops as soon as the baby can sit up. I signed on for that.
But I did not consider the possibility of real puke.
Real puke is something that you never get used to. It’s not like poopie diapers. Poopie diapers are a given. You change them several times a day and very quickly become desensitized to the stench. Case in point: After about one and a half years of having three babies/toddlers in diapers, my three year old became potty trained. Since we had fewer diapers to dump, I stopped keeping the diaper pail in our play room and moved it outside. My adorably candid, four year old neighbor Jonas informed me of the improvement by saying, “Hey Kate! Your house doesn’t stink anymore!”
Awesome.
So no – I’m not exactly squeamish when it comes to my children’s bodily functions. But puking is a different story.
If something doesn’t happen on a daily basis, then it’s not familiar. And if it’s not familiar, then you don’t just “get used to it.” Therefore no one (except maybe a pregnant woman) gets used to puke.
My first experience with baby puke was during those fabulous teething months, when Oliver insisted on jamming everything in his mouth and gagging himself. In fact, it seemed like he tried to gag himself on purpose. We never did figure out the reasoning behind this bulimic behavior. But I didn’t particularly care about reasons when I had him on the changing table after his bath and he decided to stick his finger down his throat. All I have to say is thank god for the hooded baby towel. But trying to clean vomited peas and carrots out of my child’s ears over the sink was an experience I could have done without.
Since then I’ve encountered pretty much every child vomit-related situation. I’ve stood in the bathroom in the middle of the night holding a crying toddler as he or she puked all over me – over and over and over again. I’ve had to sit in rush hour traffic for 30 minutes while yelling back to a sobbing, vomit covered child that we’d be home “very soon.” I’ve watched three children throwing up simultaneously while I stood frozen for several seconds, wondering where to start first.
In any given situation, vomit is generally unexpected and unwelcome. And unlike diapers and spit up, no one actually grows out of it.
But I will say that in the past few years, I have become a very quick thinking and level headed strategist when it comes to puking children.
And the other weekend when we were out to lunch and Eleanor started making gagging noises. I instinctively held my hand under her chin to catch as much of the vomit as possible.
Then I dumped it onto her plate.
Then I asked a waiter for paper napkins and started cleaning her up.
Then I told Chris to take George with him to buy her a new outfit (we were in a mall).
Then I discreetly stripped her and covered her with Chris’ jacket.
Then I joked with our waiter and cleaned the table and the chair the the floor under the chair with a rag.
Then I told Oliver and Eleanor how good and patient they were being while we waited for Daddy.
Then I finished my soup.
Then I kept my exasperation in check when my flustered husband showed up with a summer outfit (it was chilly march) involving a onesie of all things…
Then I kept all three kids together outside of the restaurant while we waited for Chris to pay the check.
Then I spent the next hour in the kids’ play area with them even though I knew that my right hand still smelled like puke (never did get a chance to wash up).
And in the end – that’s when I finally felt like a real mom. Not when I gave birth or gave my baby his first bath (technically I didn’t – my Aunt Jan did while I sat on a bag of frozen peas) or started to get used to the sleepless nights. Because all of that was anticipated and expected (except for the frozen peas).
For me, becoming a real mom meant doing the unfamiliar and unexpected things. Facing the unknown and learning to take it in stride. Child vomit was my unknown territory – my Wild West – my own personal moon landing. “Puke: The final frontier.”
This all may sound rather silly and inconsequential, but if you think about it, vomit is terrifying. It’s a sign of weakness, illness, helplessness. And as parents, we live in fear of our children experiencing any of those traits. It doesn’t matter if a baby has a minor flu bug or decided to stick a Lincoln Log down his throat – throw up is throw up. And the primal reaction of is fear.
Parents live in fear on a daily basis. Fear of both the known and the unknown. And puking represents the unknown – that which is beyond our control. But at the end of the day, parents are responsible for taking charge of any given situation and exerting control wherever they can. I can’t make my child not puke, but I can hold out my hand to help.
So for me, that is when I stopped feeling like the teenage babysitter and instead started to claim my seat at the grownup table. I can take control of a situation. I can face the unknown with cool consideration. And dammit, I can pick up my child’s vomit and toss it onto a plate without batting an eye.
I think I’m ready for my silver star. I’m sheriff of this here family and all interlopers will have to answer to me. I’ll run vomit out of town on a rail. And if it comes to a showdown at high noon, best keep in mind that I’m the fastest draw in the West. That is when it comes to catching puke in my hand.
Ahhh I was supposed to go out in Hoboken 2 months ago but the kids had the stomach virus. It was then that I caught puke with my hands and diverted disaster on our rug. This tactic has been tried before but failed. I was so tickled that I didn’t get any on the carpet that I forgot to wince.
My son also has a milk allergy and can vomit almost on command. He’s thrown up at dinner and my hubby and I have continued on eating almost without hesitation. This doesn’t happen much anymore but something like that made us immune to puke early on. Talented, huh.
Much love from NJ,
Sue
xoxo
How many times did you mention peas in this post?! So freaking funny. I haven’t had to deal with any of this yet — and I’m a non-puker too. Very entertaining post – one of my favorites, I’m shocked to say!
You nailed it with the fear. It is so very scary to see your child vomit. You may need to write a separate post about all three of them having vomit on them at once. Holy vomit covered children Batman!
Wow. Who knew a story about puke could be so funny. You do deserve a star (or several) for living through 3 children puking at the same time and for handling the others like a rock star.
We (thank goodness) have had a limited experience with puke – only twice in 2 1/2 years. I think that is some kind of miracle but I’m not complaining.
My grown up moment was when both of mine came down with roto virus (sp?) at the same time. Constant vomit and poop over the course of 10 days. It was like a horror movie. I literally did 60 loads of laundry (all of it towels, sheets and pjs) during that time. I can safely saw that now absolutely nothing phases me.
I do admire you for making it all the way through your young adult life and only throwing up three times. You really would have hated me. :)
Ick! How do you do that without vomiting yourself?
Lucky for me I can count on one hand the number of times my kids have puked. (knocks very hard on wood).
I can’t listen to or watch anyone throw up without throwing up myself. My sister used to make a game out of making me barf when we were kids.
Welcome to the grown up table by the way. :-)
We have behavioral puke problems in my house. Porgie will make herself vomit if she doesn’t feel like going to bed or if she doesn’t feel like eating her dinner or if she is just in a bad mood. It frustrating, but we manage.
I know exactly where you ate dinner in Hoboken… lived there for 8 years. But I digress.
I have a serious puke phobia, which I have also written about before. I’ve had it my whole life… it’s almost irrational. And quite honestly, I don’t know what I am going to do as a parent. Please, please tell me it’s something I will get past. ;)
I don’t recall us having much experience with vomit as children.
Though, I do distinctly remember one time in which I suddenly had the urge while watching late night television in the living room (apartment) — in the corner behind the armoire — Cricket dutifully lapped it up — no muss, no fuss.
You should get a dog.
You really did handle that very well. It’s amazing the calm that can come over a mom, even in the most unfamiliar of situations.
Here’s your silver star!!! (pretend I handed it to you, you’re welcome)
You’ve definitely arrived ;-)
I know exactly what you are talking about here – you said it so well. I feel the same way about puke and choking (which inevitably involves puke) – primal fear. But, I’ve handled both, calmly.
I think I had this ‘grown up mom’ epiphany on an airplane by myself with all three kids. One of my 3-yr-olds choked on a piece of ice. He could not breathe and I swept him twice before I got it. I was so calm and collected. I never set the baby down and I was immediately ready for puke! Afterward, I was like – holy shit!! – I’m the mom.
Oh Yes…the skill that is catching puke!
I hate the feeling that you know they are going to puke and there is nothing you can do to stop it. All I can say is thank god for washing machines because the amount of laundry that happens during an illness is unreal!
Once they they turn 3 or 4 it really becomes genuine honest to goodness puke. So intolerable.
I can relate. I didn’t puke for probably a decade. Since having kids its at least twice a year.
I’ve said this before but I have to repeat it. Vomit hurled from the top bunk is the worst.
Yikes. My little guy just turned one last month, so I fear the vomit is yet to come. While your story scared me, it also made me laugh, and made me totally respect you, too, as a proud mommy. I just found your blog through SITS, and I’m definitely becoming a follower! Happy Sunday!
:)
Elizabeth/Type A Mommy
We have something in common… I puked my way through China, too. Wasn’t it just a laugh a minute? :)
Although I DID lose about 14 pounds in less than two weeks. I have food allergies, so I basically ate bananas and white rice the entire trip. That is, when I WASN’T puking.
I’ve smelled that vomit smell on my hands. Gremlin went through the gagging himself phase…me screaming while driving on the highway: TAKE YOUR FINGERS OUT OF YOUR THROAT!!
What does it say that I read this whole story while eating a bagel and drinking tea? I too have arrived.
You’ve definitely earned your silver star!
My mother was a quick catcher of puke too. I frequently got car sick, would hang over the front seat and throw-up. My dad always said the same thing, “Now we need to sell this car too.”
Puke and I are close. I have a sensitive stomach, so it doesn’t take much to get me going. Pregnancy really did me in too. I puked almost the entire 9 months I was pregnant with my first and four months with the second. So, puke and I…It’s gross…I don’t enjoy puking…But we’re close.
Great story, Kate.
my sister and I are in our 40’s and we are still literally afraid of puking
You are so right about doing things as a mom that we never thought we would in a million years. Love the stripping in the restaurant story.
I’ll take poop any day over vomit.
I can see that I will have some problems in this area, because just reading this made me a little sick! The things you mothers do…. amazing!
Hmmm… this will be a very different experience for me one day… right now, the only time I get scared when someone pukes is because they might have alcohol poisoning. Well, okay, that was more in college, but still. :-)
grown ups or babies vomit is the worst…even thinking about it makes me want to puke. ~Cheers to all you moms & nurses!
I totally relate. Vomit is indeed terrifying!