Recently I’ve been thinking about how passive agressive people can be online. Or more specifically, via e-mail. Since tone must be inferred, you can get away with saying something insulting, offensive or baiting, and then qualify it with a universal symbol.
In general, I’ve avoided all of the texting jargon (mainly because I’m old) and I flat out loathe emoticons. Since they are widely used and should be incorporated into dictionaries and thesauruses any day now…
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Can’t you see it?
happy
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: in high spirits; satisfied
Synonyms: :-), :O), B-), :->, =>, blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can’t complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, on cloud nine*, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink*, up, upbeat, walking on air
Antonyms: :-(, :'(, depressed, discouraged, dissatisfied, miserable, morose, pained, sad, sorrowful, unhappy
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…I’m pretty used to them. But I’ve never been able to “go there.” Maybe because they seemed too cutesy to me? Anyway – the only time I will use an emoticon is when I worry that something I write might be up for interpretation and need to be VERY clear about tone.
But a truly manipulative person can definitely abuse these little shortcuts. For example, I have a friend who once received an e-mail from a family member that included the following:
“But ever since you had kids, you’ve been really good about acknowledging birthdays.”
Now – that seems like a dig to me. Am I wrong, or does it imply that she was previously remiss in acknowledging birthdays? It’s already kind of confusing, but that’s easily exaccerbated with an emoticon!
“But ever since you had kids, you’ve been really good about acknowledging birthdays. :)”
In theory, that little smiley face certainly takes the edge off. I mean I would have thought that was a bitchy thing to say, but slap on some creative punctuation and it’s all good.
This statement could also be made “nice” with a little humor:
“But ever since you had kids, you’ve been really good about acknowledging birthdays. LOL”
The “laugh” immediately tells the recipient that they are in on the joke. As in, “aren’t you a hoot – you birthday forgetting rascal you!”
But the more likely scenario is that the recipient still feels the full impact of that snarky little comment and is just further enraged by the passive agressive add on.
This kind of e-mail exchange could go downhill very quickly.
Based on the real life example above, I have written a fictional e-mail conversation between “Jane” and her sister “Alice.”
Alice: …but ever since you had kids, you’ve been really good about acknowledging birthdays. LOL
Jane: What – are you saying that all of those cross country trips I made to visit your little angel counted for nothing? :)
Alice: OMG! We SOOO appreciated that – of course we did. I just meant that becoming a mom has made you a bit more aware of the whole kid birthday thing and how important it is to them. You know we think you’re the best aunt ever! xoxo
Jane: MWAH! You know I love you too. And I know how forgetful you can be sometimes… LOL! Because there was only one time that I didn’t send a gift, and that was because I was unemployed and kinda living hand to mouth – and since you guys are just so sweet and supportive, I just knew that you’d understand. :)
Alice: LOL – I think YOU are the one who is a bit forgetful… Because there were several years that we barely heard from you at all and it had nothing to do with work. I believe that there was a mystery man involved (tee hee) – not that we’d know since you didn’t return phone calls. :D
Jane: Oh for christ’s sake Alice – he was like a year old. I seriously doubt that he even noticed the presents he DID get. And if you actually had a life outside of your Stepford bubble, then you might see that as cute as he is, he’s actually NOT the center of everyone’s universe. But give him a kiss from from his auntie ‘kay! :)
Alice: God, you’re selfish. Talk about the universe revolving around someone! We all have to completely rearrange our schedules whenever you come into town. And now that you’ve had a baby? It’s like you think you invented motherhood! But really it’s been too long – you have to plan another trip out here soon! xoxo
Jane: You are such a bitch. LOL
Alice: You’re a bigger one. :D
Jane: LOLOLOL #&$*%$#&$ :):):):)
Alice: :D:D:D:D #$&%#&&%$#$* xoxoxoxo
So yeah – I think we need to tread lightly with the symbols and just say what we mean as plainly as possible. It might take a few extra minutes, but at least we’ll all be on the same page. :-)
LOL :-)
No seriously. That was funny. I am guilty of overusing the :-). I often worry that what I am trying to convey won't come through on e-mail or in a comment. I really try to avoid the LOL though. I don't use any other acronyms because I have no idea what they all mean.
I love it. That is one of the best posts I've read in a while. It's so true!
I am guilty of emoticon use, and definitely see your points, Kate. Sometimes I worry that these abbreviations and shortcuts are eroding actual language …
I can take or leave the emoticons. But acronyms actually drive me crazy. Like Kirsten, I have no idea what they mean. It took me forever just to figure out what LOL meant, and I didn't really figure it out, I had to ask some one. They're like a pivate language. If you know what the letters mean, then you're part of an exclusive club. If not, you're on the outside looking in.
Nice thought provoking post.
This was awesome. I've been dealing with something like this right now and it's driving me batty. Like she thinks it's "ok", so long as she "lol"'s about it.
Grrrr….open id is giving me fits again…
Totally agree with this. I used to belong to a mom's forum, and seriously the amount of passive aggressive comments using smilies was just bizarre. Things like "Some of us prefer to raise our children to have manners :)" Funny how a smilie can make a sentence so much more aggressive in tone.
I literally LOL'd. That was so funny, I loved the dialogue between the sisters, lol. Seriously, I'm still laughing out loud over here. I have definitely used the :o) to clarify my tone. Sometimes overuse of the ! can get annoying, so a smiley face seems like a nice, calm way to say, "I'm happy". :o)~
HI-LA-RIOUS!!
So funny. You crack me up.
I'm guilty of this one ":)" because I'm always afraid people will take me more seriously than I intend.
Funny. :-)
Hilarious! :)
Isn't amazing what a semi-colon and half a parenthesis can do? ;) ;) I hate it when snarky people sneak little comments in emails and get by with it b/c of emoticons….
Love this post, Kate. I find that my e-mail style tends to echo that of the people I'm writing to—if they use a lot of exclamation points (!!), so do I, if they use a lot of smileys, so do I. :) Truthfully though, I like to think, that most of the time, all those years I spent as an English major have paid off and I can articulate my thoughts pretty clearly without all the fanfare.
LOL I heart this post! Seriously, this is so funny and dead on. Also, which is happier :) or =) or do I need a nose :-).
This is so funny! I still think her comment was super bitchy no matter how many emoticons or acronyms were/could have been used! And in the spirit of being passive aggressive i still have not sent the gift.
I am so guilty of this! Not using them to be passive aggressive, but if I make a sarcastic remark, I always have to include a little winky guy, just in case. And I'm all about the exclamation points!!!
that sister to sister dialog was hilarious.
That dialogue was HIGH-larious. :) (see, there it is. The smiley. I can't help it!)
I'm definitely an emoticon abuser, I suppose.
Fact is, I TRY not to have difficult conversations via email if I can help it. Always better face to face or on the phone, at least! So my hope is that it's not hurting anything!
Interesting theory… not something I've thought about before. I use emoticons in email/SMS if I think there's *any* chance I'll be misinterpreted… and in blog comments for the same reason! But I don't use them in my actual blog, because somehow that feels more like 'proper' writing. Hmm. Loads to think about! :)
(And sometimes, like that one there, I put them just to indicate that there's an actual smile on my actual face – in this case, because I like having things to think through)
I loved this post, really loved it. {I'm being very careful not to use too many exclamation points here.) I'm really glad to learn about emoticons. Maybe you can explain to me what MWAH and BWAH mean. I just thought they indicated throwing-up noises. Of course it took me over a year to find out that LOL didn't mean Lots of Love. I just thought all your blogging friends were a very affectionate group!
Uh-oh. I predict a spike in emoticon-based hate crimes in the next few weeks.
Heads up! Lol!
~ A.
You know I normally don't do this but did it with a client today…cause you know with her…it just works! Silly I know
I am "laughing out loud" right now.
It's weird how mildly sarcastic, negative, or judgemental comments sound so much harsher in writing than they often really are. On the other hand mildly pleasant comments seem almost neutral. I guess the emoticons and acronyms are sprinkled in to add some flavor to the tone of voice. Anyway that dialog was too funny! LOL!
great post kate! i love coming here! no emoticon needed. happy weekend! besos!
tread lightly.
good advice. :-) !!!!!!!!!
It's so true! Online and in education…the most passive-aggressive folks ever. Stopping by from SITS…Happy Saturday!
Great post! I tend to use =) too much… I'm not really sure why, but I do. Never in a passive aggressive way though.
Stopping by from SITS and wanted to say hi!
I have been meaning to write a post about emoticons because I also hate them, but I use the smiley face because it's so hard to infer attitude from emails and I've been misinterpreted before. Although I can't do LOL.
But now I don't have to write my post because you have done it such a hilarious way that I can't imagine competing with it. Awesome post!
:)
Oh God how true. I'm sick of it! So many people out there who think it's ok to wrap dismissiveness and insults in 'pretty' words or yeah, with those emoticons….I love the way you escalate it to all-out emoticon war :)))
Not a passive aggressive here but do think that emoticon use is fine. I just don't use them in typed speech with my hubby. He's a type A personality… engineer… does not get emoticons at all. I do have a link in my sidebar to e-mail acronyms which also contains slang and emoticon symbols if anyone is interested.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
Grreat post!I have had quite a number of emails taken completely the wrong way and it is all because someone can read something totally different than how you intended it to be read…I think using a little smiley face can work, but I know what you mean, I don't always want to come across like a 13 year old ;o)
I got a little coffee in my nose when I read the synonyms.
I'm not a huge acronym/emoticon user either. I actually prefer to write it out because if I am really LMAO – I think it has more of an impact if it's typed out.
For example, reading this post made me laugh my ASS off! I especially love the escalating emails. High-larious.
I too am guilty of over-using the the :)
Mainly cuz of my dry humor. I am just afraid someone will read what I wrote, gasp, clutch their chest and block me for the rest of my email like.
P.s I am a big fan of a well place "WTF" though.
Followed Vodka's link to you. Thoroughly enjoyed this post. Especially the back and forth emials at the end.
I totally overuse the smile with a wink emoticon ; -) And I should be too old for that kind of thing. But it does do a quick job of letting someone know their post made me smile, and perhaps it is also the added assurance that a short comment not be taken the wrong way.
Still, thanks for making me introspective.
As I think you know – I'm not a big acronym person – particularly lol – makes me cringe when I see it. I'm weird, I know. But I do like happy faces and exclamation points and ellipses and overuse all of them! :)…
(how cool that you're on vodka mom's sidebar today! Woot!)
Like everyone else, I think I too am guilty of using :-)
Your post reminded me of a post by one of the writers I follow.. I am providing the link here, I think you will enjoy reading it.
http://cubaninlondon.blogspot.com/2009/07/living-in-bilingual-world-one-about-how.html
being a sarcastic type and blunt is very very bad for emails. I use those emoticons or sometimes I just erase the whole thing and rewrite it in a voice that is not open to any interpretation.
I have to say that this was a very funny post. The dialogue was hilarious and oh so true
ha! my friend nicole and i have a little joke between us that we say it's okay to say something bitchy as long as we add an LOL at the end!! we do it to eachother relentlessly. as a joke of course lol!
Great post!
I'm in total agreement about the texting jargon and emoticon stuff. So nice to read real words. And I'm not joking. Or being snarky. What's the emoticon for truth anyway?
OMG. ;-) That was truly en pointe. I am guilty, as charged! xoxox But I really do try to use them to add to my written conversation…. If it was easier to use italics or bold in comments section then I wouldn't have to use them so much!
I view them much like a gesticulation or an eyeroll (and why isn't there an emoticon for that???): I NEED these tics just to get through a spoken conversation. Everyone would HATE me if I just delivered everything that comes out of my mouth as 'the truth.'
:) ;) :D xoxoxo lmao *hugs*
*throwing up in my mouth just a little*
Very well put! You nailed it.
That was too funny ;)
Agreed. And don't forget the cardinal rule… it is never, EVER okay for a straight man to use an emoticon.
NEVER. If you are dating someone and he uses them… RUN. This is foolproof, I promise.
Great post.
Yes, emoticons/LOL are the new "Just Kidding" and "No offense"
That is so true and hilarious! Texting and emailing can become so confusing since there is no tone of voice or facial expression to gauge things by. I think that is why people can be so passive aggressive because if it does get to heated they can slap an emoticon or LOL on their words where in real life you can't take back sarcasm or an ugly look!
{ Lindsey }
http://greatfullday.blogspot.com
My favorite emoticon is the one I use when I get mad at my husband via email…
,,|,,
I just commented on your last post, and used an emoticon, then I read this post. Now I'm cracking up!
Hey, how did you get ahold of that email between me and my sister? Hmmm? Oh gawd, it's not even funny how close that dialog came.
Yeah. I have a friend who overuses the ol' ;) and boy…it's very passive agressive. Great, great post. It's a keeper.
I admit I use the smiley face. I'm sure I've used it here, but never to manipulate – only to make sure you know I'm happy? I have never used LOL though. Never. I just can't bring myself to do it.
Loved this post. Insert smiley face here.
This cracked me up– how did I never read this gem?!