You think I’m kidding?
I’m not.
You think I’m awful?
Okay – maybe I am. But I’m just stating facts. As adorable as they may be, my children have their flaws, and the toddler/preschool years have been a real treat.
Let’s start with “gross.”
Oliver picks his nose. And he eats it. I probably shouldn’t admit this because there is nothing funny about it. No justification through laughter and commiseration. It’s just gross and embarrassing and I LIVE for the day when I can tell him how he used to torture me with this revolting (and seemingly unbreakable) habit. Later in life, I will in turn, torture him with the knowledge that he was a nose picker (and eater) as a long past due punishment. Probably in front of his high school girlfriend.
Also, he’s obsessed with dirt.
Meaning that he can’t walk past a patch of dirt and NOT shuffle through it. He likes the big dust clouds that result since they are reminiscent of the steam clouds he sees in his bajillion Thomas the Tank Engine DVDs. He calls this “down tracks” (as in trains going down the tracks). I get it. I know what he’s going for. But to the rest of the world? It just looks like a giant four year old in a cloud of dust. We’ve started calling him Pig-Pen. Which sounds much cuter than it actually is.
But the real gross out factor of this love affair with dirt is that ANY form of dirt or dirt-like substance will do. Rolling around in sand at the beach? Acceptable. Shoving your hand into public ashtrays on the street? Disgusting. “Oliver! No dirt!” has become my signature bellow around the neighborhood.
Then there’s George.
And George? Pees. Everywhere. On the carpet, on the stairs, on the basement couch (by the way – you should TOTALLY come over to watch movies one night…sit down, make yourself comfortable…), on the bathroom floor IN FRONT OF the toilet… It’s like having a puppy. Except I can’t whack him on the nose with a newspaper when he does it.
There is no potty training-related excuse for this behavior because he LOVES going potty. Especially flushing. While Oliver gained 10 lbs eating mini marshmallows as he sat on the potty, George has needed no incentive beyond flushing. And he’ll keep going if I let him. We’ve had to enforce a strict one flush rule in our house for fear of George running up the water bill – or just breaking all of the toilets. Which is entirely possible since he will go from potty to potty if I don’t watch him. It’s a “round the world” of potties if you will. Maybe he’s marking his territory? That would explain all of the peeing on the floor…
While I wouldn’t say that Eleanor is gross, her delight in anything gas-related would put a twelve year old boy to shame. I’ve already written about this – but it doesn’t seem to be a phase that she’ll outgrow anytime soon. She also loves to simulate the noises, and has become quite good at it.
I’m trying to get her to replace her squeals of laughter with a simple “excuse me” when she does “furt” (her pronunciation), but she’s not picking it up. Here is a recent conversation we had:
Eleanor: Mommy! I FURTED!
Me: Well what do you say when you fart?
Eleanor: I say PPTHTTTT!
Me: Let me clarify that…What do you say AFTER you fart?
She only came up with “excuse me” when I gave her the answer.
Oh – and if you think it’s crass that I actually let her use the word “fart” instead of “toot” or “pass gas” or some other more ladylike variation…we’re so beyond that at this point…I don’t even try.
Eleanor is probably more annoying than she is gross though. So I’ll start with her on that topic.
Eleanor has to be the center of attention at all times. And she’s a quick study. So I have to think long and hard about what might constitute positive reinforcement.
She used to be such a tough little cookie and would barely pause to brush the bloody gravel off her knees after a fall while playing outside with her brothers. So OF COURSE I would fuss over her when she did cry. That always meant that she must be really hurt.
I’m not entirely sure when this changed, but at some point my little Camille figured out that a few tears would be her golden ticket to spotlight city. So now she’s always hurt.
I should really count the number of times that she says “I hurt my neck” on a given day. I’m not sure why that’s her injury of choice, but the fact that she usually points to her stomach or her elbow when she says it, doesn’t provide any clues. And she can squeeze out some real tears too. She’s got skillz, that one… But you know – it’s really annoying.
My mother recently noticed that every time she talks to Eleanor on the phone, she gets an update on all of her granddaughter’s boo boos.
Good god, but it’s like she’s an old woman! If you ask her how she’s doing, you’ll hear all about her ailments “well…I’m coming down with a head cold and my sciatica has been acting up…but I’m getting by…” Sheesh!
But her twin brother, George has an even more annoying method for getting attention: he screams.
And when I say, he screams, I don’t mean he cries or yells or even bellows. I mean, he makes noises that would rival the shrieks of any Von Helsing vampire bride. He can shatter glass with his screams.
As an “intense” child, George seems to find a multitude of triggers for his screams. It could be something as obvious as a sibling snatching a toy from him to more unusual transgressions, such as my insistence that he wear pants when out on the front lawn.
Either way – his screams are unsettling. And cause sharp pains in your ears. Hopefully, he’ll grow out of this. Or cultivate a successful future career as an opera singer.
And last but not least, there is Oliver. The dirt flinging is pretty annoying – but he’s got so much more to offer than just that!
I’d have to say that he is most annoying when he’s feeling particularly boisterous. Sensory issues play a huge role in his special needs and this boy really likes physical contact. He doesn’t just sit next to you…he sits on you. And if you think you’ll just teach him a lesson by sitting on top of him for a change, you should save yourself the effort. He’ll love it.
I can’t bend over to pick up toys without bracing myself for the inevitable impact of his assault. He’s not a violent child. He just feels the need to lunge at the people he loves.
I’ve decided that I’d make a fantastic line backer now (minor league of course since I’m only 5′ 6″ and not exactly beefy). I can shift my center of gravity on a dime. I now have a sixth sense for detecting a sneak attack, and I rarely lose my footing. I went to Fordham University, so my sparse knowledge of football history includes Vince Lombardi. And I think I’d make a very respectable eighth block of granite.
But for all of their annoying qualities, I’m sure the feeling is mutual. I can only imagine how sick they are of my constant nagging:
“Don’t touch that!“
“Get out of the street!“
“Come back here!“
“Don’t hit!“
“Don’t eat that!“
“Don’t throw dirt!“
“Not around the neck!“
I suspect that a lot of eye rolling goes on behind my back. “God – she’s so shrill.“
So we all have our quirks. But I’m not nearly as gross as they are. Unless of course you count the mass quantities of junk food I put away each day. Though I don’t consider that gross as much as just flat out survival.
Oh,I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. This was hilarious to read, but for some reason not so hilarious when I live it.
:)
I realized the other day how much I was saying 'No'
and it blew me away!
I hear ya
xo
It gets better, really it does.
When they're 21 and 28 and out of the house.
Can ya make it until then?
You are definitely not alone. Toddlers have an innate sense of what's embarrassing or humiliating to their parents and delight in parading that behavior for laughs. The good news is they're normal. The bad news is that you just have to live with and hopefully through it. Try to laugh. It is very funny to read.
Just when I think my baby fever has hit an all time high, I read a post like this. LOL! I think I can wait a little longer. Afterall, I'm really not a fan of boogers, dirt, and blood.
Maybe I should rethink this baby thing ENTIRELY???
Doesn't it feel SO great to just lay it all out like this? Sometimes when people say how cute my son is I just want so say, "Oh yeah? You think? Well he also….!"
"Not around the neck." –You think you might be the only one who has uttered that phrase on more than one occasion. Sadly, this is not true. I'm just sayin'…
I bet you feel better getting it all out. There are days (more than I'd care to admit) that I sit and think that my kids are absolutely driving me wild.
I love the comparison to a little old lady!!! I always get the run-down on Nannie's ailments when I call her. ;)
This is definitely one of those posts you read and say, "Phew – thank god it's not just my house!"
Nodding (and laughing) right along with you!
Oh – and here's my gross nose picking story. Last year I noticed the wall next to the Wonderboy's bed had all this stuff on it. Yup, nose pickings. Wiped on the wall. Make you feel any better?
The toddler years are gross. I wish ther was a better answer but I'm afraid that's it. You'll laugh about this all someday!
This was really entertaining. And no thank you, I won't be coming over to watch tv anytime soon! haha! I must say I find it a little discouraging though…because Fiona just started her screaming at the top of her lungs phase, and I don't see an end in sight….I suppose I should resign myself to the fact that it will last for a few years?! UGH!
Oh my gosh!! You're awesome, Kate. Our kids would get along so well.
I have a screamer too. Izzy can make ears bleed. I actually put him in time-out for screaming, because I can't think of any other punishment.
And boogers are nothing. My daughter likes to stick her hands down her pants A LOT. Her fingers always smell like asshole. Completely gross. A hundred time per day, I say "Don't touch me! GO WASH YOUR HANDS!"
I could not stop laughing at this post. My best friend asked how my kids were the other day and I responded "gross." I love them so, but they are nasty little creatures!
haha! just wait till they are teenagers… besos!
MY children are gross and annoying too! My 12-year-ol son told me the other day, "Mom, my balls itch." Well, thanks for sharing sweetheart!!
Oh, thank you. My daughter has grossed me out many of times. It's nice to see she is just doing her normal childhood thing like every other child. Still, I don't remember being that gross as a kid, although I should probably ask my mom and not rely on my own memory, huh?
my daughter did the same thing.When she discovered how much crying gets you, she went for it
Oh, I won't lie, my kids are disgusting.
The farts that come out of my son could kill people.
I so needed a good laugh tonight, thank you! And some of the comments have me in stitches as well :)
(for what it's worth, my son is in the very beginning stages of potty training, and we're going through the one flush thing… fun times!)
Picture me throwing my head back and laughing evilly. (Is evilly a word?)
Isn't being a SAHM GREAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?
:)
I think our kids would all get along great!
Honey, your kids are son NORMAL.
P.s I have a nose picker too. Both side at once no less. And she's a streaker. The neighbors just expect it now. I am hoping there's no pole in her future.
This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! And I? Do shrill pretty well over here, too.
J just stopped the picking and eating thing in the past year. He used to say, "If everyone would just try it, they'd know what they've been missing out on." Gross.
Bedtime tonight was a contact sport w/ the thrashing and the loving and the stalling…..
Glad mine aren't the only ones w/ a flair for the disgusting or the dramatic.
You write the truth! Very funny. And best title ever.
Mine have recently discovered the joys of poop jokes.
I totally get the ailment overload thing. Every morning, my youngest son takes to his fainting couch and regales me with mournful tales of how his stomach hurts and how flush he feels, 'and Mother, I'm quite tired for the birds! The birds and their incessant chirping woke me up far too early! You should really learn to put me to bed earlier in the evenings.'
Or something like that… ;)
Truly, some days, he's a hypochondriac's dream! And then, of course, there's the peeing…
This is hysterical and reminds that i need to relax sometimes and let my toddlers be toddlers. Although in our house it's "big tootin" and "little tootin" which i makes me smile every time i hear it.
Ha ha ha ha. I've never been into bathroom humor, but " I say PPTHTTTT!" was one of the funniest things I've read in ages. ;)
Too true, though. And with a younger baby, I have the joy of knowing it all lies ahead of me….
Alright, since I don't have kids I'm finding myself relating more to their behavior than to all of the poor moms that have to suffer through it. I picked my nose a little bit, mostly in private, and one day I decided to taste it because I knew other kids did that. It was so salty that it grossed me out and I never picked my nose with my bare fingers ever again. And my mother somehow managed to get us to use the term "expelled gas" when talking about farting. That sounds so formal and archaic!
LMAO!!! Kids are so fun, aren't they?? I love your story! Good one :)
'It's a "round the world" of potties if you will.'
Love that. :)
Also, I think you'll appreciate this…
Fake Crying Baby
All kids are annoying to their parents. Its just a fact. I think they are born with some special skill to annoy only their parents.
Our only saving grace is we get to annoy them when they become teenagers.
Ok, so I am tired now—-this brought up all sorts of old memories of my kids!!
It's like our kids are living parallel lives!
I love it. Mine are not the only ones. I did read somewhere that picking your nose and eating it boost the immune system. I know gross huh.
Successful Parenting