Okay. So I’ve been a mom for over four years now. Pushing five. And I’m pushing forty myself. I babysat my ass off when I was a teenager (and much later into my twenties than is considered normal). And I actually remember quite a lot about about being a kid myself.
Yet – none of that seems to matter. I still make rookies mistakes, I hear myself spouting bizarre statements with earnest sincerity, and on occassion, I act like a complete tool. All regarding my children of course (shut up Chris).
I’ve had some real winners lately, so I thought I’d post a random sampling today.
First the rookie mistakes. All of that experience with small children under my belt, and I still:
Leave a full and OPEN bottle of bubble bath sitting next to the tub while I duck out to grab the shampoo.
Buy bath markers (Why do I keep doing this? It’s like I have amnesia every time I browse the bath aisle at Target, “OH bath markers – that looks like fun!” sigh)
Leave the house without diapers even though my three year old twins are only 50% potty trained.
Leave an open jar of peanut butter on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.
Assume that if I don’t hear a peep from the kids for a long period of time they are playing nicely, and enjoy the little break from the chaos (because we all know what I usually find when I go looking for them…)
Leave an open jar of Vaseline on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.
Leave an uncapped tube of toothpaste sitting on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.
(I also have amnesia about the kids getting into everything that should be far out of their reach. And I do a lot of laundry.)
Then there are the crazy sounding things I say without a hint of irony:
Hmmm. That’s strange…I can only think of one recent one. Maybe it’s like that amnesia thing above and I’m just saying the same crazy thing over and over without realizing that I’ve said it before. Anyway – here it is:
We NEVER pee on people.
Hold on…I just remembered a couple more:
[When one of them wanted to help me bake cookies] “Okay – you can help…but you have to wear underwear. It’s like – my only cooking rule.“
[George loves to play in our sliding door closets] “Come on George! It’s time to go. No more playing in the closet – we have to leave. No – I’m serious – it’s time. Get out of the closet now. I said now. I said come OUT of the closet George!“
As for acting like a complete lunatic…I think my personal best was a debacle at nap time last month.
First, I should explain that George and Eleanor still need their nap. They are complete monsters (I mean more than usual) when they skip it.
But they went through a phase of refusing to settle down and sleep. During that time, they would just play in their room.
This would have been fine if they played quietly and acheived some modicum of “rest.” But they didn’t. Whatever I heard going on one level up sounded like a scene from Fight Club. They literally shook the house with their…whatever it was they did.
And the worst part was that what they were doing seemed to involve taking off all of their clothes, including their diapers. And having accidents. On the floor. Like puppies.
I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind, and eventually, I kind of did.
I decided it was time to lay down the law – no more Mr. Nice Guy – the madness would end.
So you can imagine how well that went.
First, I told them very calmly and quietly that if I heard one more sound from their room, they would be in A LOT of trouble. And they were to keep their diapers ON. If I came upstairs to find naked children and wet patches on the carpet, there would be spankings (a punishment I rarely enforce but often threaten).
They just laughed at me.
I closed the door, thinking “yeah – we’ll see who is laughing the next time I’m up here…“
Minutes later when I felt the first sonic boom, I was up the stairs and in their room, ready to show them who was boss. I yelled and fumed and made my scariest face possible. All while re-attaching diaper tabs.
I then gave them “one more chance” (because I’m a soft touch) and promised spankings the next time I had to come upstairs.
They just laughed at me.
And of course it was less than 10 minutes before I returned for a little demonstration of tough love. THIS time it was no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Which ended up being true when I saw how they had ripped apart the room. Their crib mattresses (on the floor as we still need to get them toddler beds) were over turned and sheets and blankets lay in heaps. The CD I had put on was skipping and the lamp was on its side. And of course, they were naked.
They saw my fury – and they just laughed at me.
I very calmly and quietly told them that it was time for spankings. And each of them got one very hard smack on their bare bottom. Unheard of from their previously gentle and soft spoken mother.
There was howling and unintelligible toddler cursing as I re-diapered and dressed them. But by the time I made my way back out of the room, I heard something that made my blood boil.
They were laughing at me.
Knowing that you should never approach a child in such a rage, I closed the door and waited until I felt that rolling boil return to a slow simmer. Then finally when I thought it was at a safe room temperature, I returned to the devil spawn.
I found them gleefully trying to rip curtains off the window. And that’s when the whoop ass can was opened. I didn’t spank anyone, but I raged and bellowed and pulled every single object out of that room.
First removed the entire curtain rod and tossed it into the the hall. Then I repeated the process with every book and toy I could find. Then came the sheets and blankets. Then the mattresses.
The twins watched in silent astonishment as I dragged the table, lamp and CD player out as well, and then finally pulled a clock off the wall.
I left the room completely bare (not too difficult of a feat since it’s a tiny room without space for a dresser – but still).
Then I walked out, leaving them in their diapers to either sleep or entertain themselves for the next hour.
This time they did not laugh.
In fact, they cried for a long time, and it took all of my willpower not to go to them. Instead I waited until they fell silent. Then I crept back in and put blankets over their sleeping potato bug bodies.
And I felt like a terrible mother.
Later when they woke up with no sign of resentment or remorse, they watched as I put their room back to rights. They commented on the various items and showed me where to put them.
When I put the clock back up on the wall, George said, “mommy throw the clock?“
And I had to kind of laugh at myself. I mean – what purpose did that serve anyway? I punished them by denying them their clock? Ridiculous.
So I said as much: “Yes George, that was ridiculous. I won’t take down the clock again.“
George repeated “For-dick-a-less?” And a new Hood family word was born. Because they often refer to things as being for-dick-a-less.
“But what about the diapers?” you ask. “Do they still take them off at nap time?“
No – they don’t. But it took one more outrageous act to stop that practice:
For-dick-a-less…but effective.
Oh my god, you actually duct-taped them. You are SO my hero!
Age 1.5-3.5 is pretty much why I'm done. D.O.N.E. stick a fork in me done. I'm too old and tired to even think of having to go through it all again.
6 and 9 on the other hand, are delightful :).
you have such a great way of telling a story. i love hearing what your kids have said. they crack me up. besos!
OMG that's pure genius! I love it! SO funny! And I know what you mean about it being so hard not to go to them when they're crying. Argh – so freaking hard.
I have stripped the room before as well. And Duct-tape is the only thing to keep a diaper on. I love your writing!!
Love the pictures and bath markers are the WORSE!
I made that mistake once and so regretted getting them.
You are hilarious as always.
Well, you definitely came up with an innovative solution to the diaper-removal problem. And they were teaming up against you, anyway. Great story!
I'm sensing a theme of open containers in your house. What would Dr. Freud say about that?
Duct tape – lmao!
My best friend has boy/girl twins and I am soooo forwarding this to her. She'll LOVE it.
Oh my god, this whole post was pretty hysterical. Honestly, your house doesn't sound all too different from my house.
Lord have mercy. You just made me so grateful my kids are older. Memories……..
I, too, was a slow learner in the bath marker/crayon department.
It looks like we've had similar times lately.
I just went through this with Alex…and we just survived (mostly) his first day without a nap.
Love the duct tape.
Love the duct tape. I have a friend who puts her kid in zip up footie PJs…backwards. That seems to keep the clothes and the diapers on!
Love the duct tape. I have a friend who puts her kid in zip up footie PJs…backwards. That seems to keep the clothes and the diapers on!
Duct tape? I just wiped away a tiny tear.
i can so relate to the rookie mistakes…the worst is i'll actually think to bring diapers for a fraction of a second and the rookie takes over and says NAH!
Clearly, no more laundry can be done when those kids are awake!
I love that you share this kind of stuff, 'cause, man! Do we all do it!
Hahahaha! Holy crap, duct taped diapers–GENIUS!
And lesson learned: do not leave anything uncapped, unscrewed, opened, ajar, slightly undone, or within reach of the small people.
Got it.
Adorable and funny, funny post! I love your one cooking rule. Everyone in my house is asleep so I have to stifle my laughter. This piece should be in a magazine, Kate. Really!
What great pictures! I love those little guys but what a handful! Thank goodness you are so inventive. You should send your duct tape idea in to 3-M or whoever makes duct tape. Maybe they'll put George and Eleanor in a commercial and they can earn enough to pay for college.
Sometimes they push us over the edge, and we act a little crazy.
Love the duct tape. I have the opposite problem. My kids never want to take their diapers off. My daughter cries for a diaper 300 times per day. She thinks underwear were created by the devil.
Forget to mention how much I love the picture of Eleanor and George as little fashionistas showing off the popular one shoulder style.
Okay, I'm laughing too hard. When my 15-year-old was two (maybe three) I ended up taking every single item out of his room, including the dresser. My husband came home and stared in shock at the hallway. I was sitting in front of the pile blubbering. It was a long day. Thankfully, I never had to go that far with the twins. They are 9 so I think I can get away with saying that safely. And yes, laundry time seems to be when twins decide it's their only free moment to go haywire. Darn laundry! Thanks for the laugh.
I have a friend who also keeps her 3 year old's room empty for that same reason… nap time ended up being destruction time. The dresser is even in the hallway. Only the bed and a blanket are in the bedroom! Lol.
Another friend emptied her 10 year old daughters room while she was at school. No more yelling… she will make her daughter EARN her things back with chores! Great idea.
Olivia still needs her naps but she'll stay awake for over an hour. So, I make her stay in her room for AT LEAST 2 hours. That is usually long enough for her to finally fall asleep. Mean mom.
This is a hilarious post! I just read it to my husband and we both laughed so hard! Well done!
Oh gosh Kate! It's so hard sometimes… all the things you described… I have SO been there. I make mistakes EVERY DAY. Every day I lose my patience… I can't believe how 24 hours non-stop of a job this is, for real! It's amazing but oh, so challenging. We have to be 'on' ALL THE TIME! And my kids NEVER take no for an answer! I gave my boys a bath together tonight, and my 4 year old peed on my 2 year old. Yikes! Empty the water.. start again. Sigh! Sigh! Sigh! Loved reading this post. You're a great mom.