I haven’t been writing that much lately. And it’s largely due to the fact that I’m so fully immersed in life and plans and worries and even kind of enjoying myself right now – that when I do have a free moment at the computer, I feel like I have nothing to say.
And how is this possible? Oliver is starting Kindergarten next year and I’m looking down the barrel of a new IEP. AND I’ve done the unthinkable and taken responsibility for initiating sports activities for him. (This, from the girl who would willingly be the first one out in dodge ball just so she didn’t have to play.) Even if I didn’t think he’d spend the entire time rolling in dirt, it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
The emotional roller coaster involved in everything having to do with that little boy could give me a book’s worth of material – both funny and sad. Yet when I start to write about any of it, my head flops down in exhaustion at the idea of actually hitting keys and making this more real than it already is. I’m a realist by necessity but an escapist at heart.
So I don’t want to write about that. Nor do I have the desire to journal every funny story from my life at home with the kids. There are many – and I do sometimes share, but the truth is, I assume that it’s all been said before.
You know how when you start reading blogs, you die laughing over hilarious potty training stories and you send links to non-blogging friends beseeching them to drink the Kool Aid? Then after some time passes, you start to notice that you’re reading the same stories over and over – just from different people. Not that this makes you any less of a fan – in fact it makes you feel even more connected to people all going though the same things. But… When it comes time to write your own blog post, you start to feel rather unoriginal. Personally, don’t find that very motivating.
And I wonder if this is where people who once had so much passion for their writing start to feel a little lost. It’s a bit of a crossroads – a mid-life crisis. What next? Do I continue with my Little Engine that Could enthusiasm for stats? Or should I just write whenever I feel like it?
It’s a boring, dowdy phase, this blogging plateau. Mom jeans to the new-blogger mini skirt. Which is actually an apt metaphor for me since I went through years of preferring skirts and dresses to pants.
There was even a summer in my twenties when I wore nothing but short sundresses. Everyone in my beach house (Dewey Beach – holla!) seemed to have this preference as well, and a guy we knew began calling us The Sundress Brigade. And it sounds ridiculous really, but I kind of miss that. Being known for my feminine fashion choices. Being seen as someone who wears cute dresses and not practical workout clothes, you know – since I’ll be going to the Y later anyway. Someone who makes some effort with her hair in the morning – even if it’s just a low ponytail – instead of forgetting to brush it before leaving the house.
I miss not being a mom.
And that sounds terrible. Because I wouldn’t change anything about my life right now. Well – maybe some slip covers for threadbare couches that the children are slowly and systematically destroying…but nothing about being their mother.
It’s not an actual “crisis,” this thing paralleling my mid-blog life. Just nostalgia mixed with the ever present question of, “but then what?” The one many of us consider when we realize that in just a few years, they’ll be off doing their own thing, “and then who will I be?” Add one cup of sleep deprivation, a sprinkling of Target runs, and a heaping teaspoon of triple action eye cream…voila! You have a busy mom coming up for air. Breaking the surface to gasp for breath and notice a new beach looming on the horizon. Another one without any kids…but not much of anything else either. Just miles of sand where you can build any castle you want. But I’m not sure what I’d want that to be. And where’s the snack bar? Maybe I should bring a book…
So that may be part of this writing malaise. I’m rethinking who I am, who I want to be and how the hell I’m going to get there. Here is nice. But it’s temporary. And since looking forward always makes me want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head (and Oliver’s head and Eleanor’s head and George’s head since they like nothing better than messing up my nicely made bed), I find myself looking back.
I’d like to feel that sun again. The sun of my youth that was a benevolent provider of tanned legs and the cure all for acne – not the harbinger of skin cancer and the spotlight for crows feet. I miss thinking I had a million things to worry over but easily forgetting them long enough to meet friends for cocktails.
The recent warm Spring weather inspired me to chop off my hair, which was sorely in need of a cut. I felt the need for less. And possibly for some incentive to pull out a brush every once in a while. The first time I had this style was the second summer of sundresses. I had rocked a shag and gone super long, but this flapper inspired bob was something entirely new. I pull it out now and again when I need a change and it never fails me. Just like a dress, it instantly grabs attention and makes me more aware of myself and of my identity as a girl. Not a young and cute girl now…but still that feminine, girly girl who likes to feel the swish of her skirt in the breeze.
My three year old daughter shows flashes of this to me – her future of dresses and tan legs and infinite time. She spins and laughs and reminds me of how it felt to only worry about myself. And to have minor concerns at that.
It will be at least ten years before she becomes the girl that I remember from my own youth. Right now, her preference for dresses is simply based on a love of twirling. She calls them her “ballerinas” and refuses to wear anything else. “Ballerinas don’t wear pants.“
As much as I’d love to join her in this conscientious objection to practicality, I really can’t wear a dress every day. Or even most days. My legs aren’t that great anymore. And I don’t have quite as much time for twirling.
But I will wear a ruffly top, put on some lip gloss and opt for a flirty haircut. This makes me no less of a mother, but it nods the girl that I will always be no matter what. And when I walk into Oliver’s IEP meeting, walk the aisles of Target and run in circles on the track at the Y, I’ll feel the swish of breeze in my hair and I’ll know that deep down I’m still the same girl.
I may have more responsibility and less freedom to stroll on beaches, but I can always find time to dance with my daughter. And remember.
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ELSEWHERE:
On Wishing True…
Mothers Day giveaway from Fifi Flowers!
Tiny lovelies from Handmade by Christine
Rosie Campbell belts
On Style Key West…
This is very sweet Kate. Change does happen, but I think it's a wise person that hangs onto what and who they really are inside.
It soudns liek you are in my funk. I long for the days of my long hair that I meticulously, hot curled, for every outing. THe dresses/skirts always made me feel special. Now I have my boring, matronly work clothes, that never go out of style. I believe the look is referred to as "classic". When I'm not wearing my work clothes I am in my Y attire too. I have seriously been thinking that something has to change, and not just my wieght! I will say, when I look good I always feel better. It sounds like you need to focus on some mommy time! Find yourself again.
That is one of the best things I've read in a while. Maybe it's not about the originality of the actions, it's about the telling of our stories.
I feel like I could have written so much of this post. But not nearly as well.
xoxo
This is a quality post, Kate. It doesn't matter how often you blog, because when you do, it's quality and that is worth a read and it's what your readers want! And we all go through blog slumps. "What do I write about?" "Will anyone read – does anyone care? Am I boring?" All these thoughts enter my head all the time, too. It's a struggle, for sure. And as for sometimes not wanting to be a mom, I get that too. I miss the old 'me' sometimes. Carefree days, etc. And? I hated dodgeball, too. xox HUGS!
I love this post, Kate.
And you look FANTASTIC! That last picture is just gorgeous.
I feel you on the recent blogging slump. When your life is so full in so many different ways, sometimes the last thing you want to do is rehash it all. So this beautifully written post was the perfect escape. Sometimes thinking back to more simple times that were more about you than anyone else makes it easier to not lose yourself in the midst of all of your other responsibilities. It feels so good to actually be able to do something to bring back a bit of what used to make you happy. And you've definitely achieved that with that fabulous haircut!
love the haircut and love this post! i can relate to the "what next?" sense of ennui that grips us as mothers. it's been that kind of week here, too. a lot of wondering if i should even blog, as it has all been said before.
also, longing for a sundress and sundress-worthy legs, of which i have none.
now on to business– which triple action eye cream should i get???
First, that is a great haircut. I love it, and should consider being like inspired. I almost did it last month when I had a hair appointment, but I shrunk back at the last minute.
Second, everything you write here in this post I have been feeling for weeks. I'm feeling tired. What more is there to say? What other ways are there to say it? Maybe it's time to just not say it anymore? I don't know. There's a funk around me, I think, and I think there's so many other blogs out there, what would one less be? The only thing I think I'd miss is the connection I feel I've had the blessing of making with people I've never actually met, but there's always a way around that.
I am rambling. Just know that I think I feel where you're at, and I thank you for saying it.
Blogging, and for that matter life, is so cyclical. Sometimes you're energized and racing like mad, sometimes you're recuperating from the race.
Give yourself some space to just be. Take some time to develop a hobby you've always wanted to try, or to pamper yourself a bit, just to reconnect with yourself. The blogging will come back on its own when you're ready and in the meantime that haircut is way to fabulous to waste on the internet – go somewhere you can be seen lady!
Whenever someone asks me about my photography I always describe it as filling a need I never even realized I had. So very true, and so fulfilling too.
Be gentle with yourself my friend. xox
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My photography is now available for purchase – visit Around the Island Photography and bring home something beautiful today!
You and Eleanor are so beautiful in your new "dos". Those feelings of insecurity, anxiety about what comes next, disatisfaction with yourself never go away. Just think about what you have accomplished and what you do accomplish and the wonderful sensitive person you are that translates and speaks to every person who reads what you write. You are inspirational and always have been and always will be a very special soul. Take it from the voice of experience. One day you will look back on these pictures and say, "who is that beautiful girl? Oh, that's me!
Why couldn't I recognize it at the time?
You know Kate, what I love about you is your refreshing honesty. The subject might be the same but everyone comes from a different place. I love reading your fiction, I admire your skill and I consider you to be a friend because you are a writer that makes herself available, vulnerable and I am always drawn to ppl like that. all I want for you is to be happy. I just hope that includes blogging b/c I will be there to read whatever you choose to share
I absolutely get this. I am in the same place, my voice is my voice, my stories are mine, unique and painful and beautiful, except that they are repeated over and over and over. I both love that about blogging, and I find that it does stifle my writing now in my third year.
You are lovely. And I still believe that we all have something to say.
Your hair looks fabulous. I have a bob – but it doesn't have the easy flow like yours – I have hair envy!
I can so relate to what you have written here. I'm barely getting one post out a week and even that seems like a struggle. And so I stay away until – I don't even read others' until I can really devote some time to it. Malaise is exactly the right word for what I'm feeling about writing lately. It's a tough one.
That being said, I still love to read your point of view and stories…
I'm on my way out to a lunch thing with a bunch of other families and I thought I am going to quickly poke my head in to the big piece of cake and I'm so glad I did.
I found myself nodding and doing 'I get this' sighing and wanting to pour myself a glass of wine. If you lived closer I would call you and we would have a long chat where I would ask you nosy questions and want to hear everything. I've said this before and I noticed Jessica said it too….I respect and love your honesty. I think this is one my absolute favorite posts of yours.
Happy Birthday my love. Even if you are feeling uninspired, your writing and your experiences are quite inspiring and have enriched my world this year!
Write when you need to and what you need to.
xoxo
I read this post last week and so loved it Kate. I should have commented then, when I had something to say – but right now I'm so sleep deprived all I can say is I love the photos of you and Eleanor! And I hope to see you soon! And whenever you feel like writing, do, and don't when you don't.
AND of course: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
"I'm a realist by necessity but an escapist at heart."
I love that sentence. And your new hair. And your connection to your children and to your own deeply felt self.
"I'm a realist by necessity but an escapist at heart."
I love that sentence. And your new hair. And your connection to your children and to your own deeply felt self. Like the man says, you gotta grow to be tall.
oh i LOVED this one….
i feel the exact same way and i miss all of the same things!
it's just a roller coaster isn't it!?!?
Great post.
Kate you are so beautiful, your face is wise and kind and has such radiant beauty. Just thought you should know. Happy Birthday.
OMG, I miss her! When you are you coming over?
It sounds like you need to focus on some mommy time! Find yourself again.
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