Dear Human Resources Representative

I’m away this week on a family vacation in CA/AZ, so I asked a few friends to send me guest posts. Some are new and some are golden oldies, but all are as fantastic as the women who wrote them.

Today, Ann from Ann’s Rants submits a formal letter of complaint. Ann is one of the funniest bloggers I read and I think she’s writing a book… Well if she isn’t, she should. In the meantime, we’ll just have to settle for her fabulous blog.

Welcome Ann!

*Ann Imig’s piece “Dear Human Resources Representative” was featured on humorpress.com. in 2009. She wants you to know that the situation has NOT improved significantly.

Dear H.R Guy,

I need to schedule another HR consultation. The situation grows increasingly dire with each passing day.

I’m referring to inappropriate language, touching, and even nudity. I’m referring to blatant insubordination, and untenable working conditions. As per your earlier instructions, I began documenting the offenses. Yet, as quickly as I administer warnings, new more egregious offenses occur. Our new found springtime weather—allowing for open doors and windows—only exacerbates the humiliation I endure.

Take a look at this incriminating evidence:

INDECENT EXPOSURE: 9am Two-Year-Old disrobed completely, diaper-flung in my general direction, and ran out the back door to “run da-round da-naked.”

SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS: Naked Two-Year-Old flaunts his miniature body, running around the backyard with crayon in hand, “fixing” things and screaming to our neighbors “I like to screw! I screwing, Mommy!”

INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING: Bath-time toes-in-butts situation completely out of control, as is inappropriate peeing-in-bath behavior demonstrated by both Two and Five-Year-Old. My “ucky pee pee water” warnings go completely unheeded, and may in fact have the undesired effect of increasing washcloth-in-mouth ingestions levels.

Frequent random poking and grabbing of “Mommy’s Butt” (and butt refers to a highly generalized area) should be noted.

VANDALISM is rampant around the toilet area as a result of pee tagging. When confronted, Five-Year-Old offers a weak explanation that “this happens if you close your eyes while peeing” And Two-Year-Old’s defense? He wants to stand and deliver, without handling the goods. So to speak.

Before I go on, I should share that your web seminar “Poop Talk: When Defecation Is The Conversation” proved effective. I highly recommend it to your other clients. We established dinnertime as a “Poop-Talk-Free (PTF) Zone,” and that five minutes of our day remains blissfully PTF! I, however, still suffer symptoms of PTD (Poop Talk Disorder) as is apparent when I unselfconsciously discuss poop consistency in mixed company, and occasionally yell ‘POOPYHEAD’ in a fit of rage. I’m working on it.

INSUBOORDINATION: As much as 1-2-3 Magic (also known as One-Two-Fwee Magic) seems perceptibly magical, when taunted with counting from my child-subordinates it creates a hostile environment. Or makes me laugh, rendering the whole process completely ineffective.

HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT: Lastly, Two-Year-Old now employs a torture tactic long-banned under the Geneva Convention—REPETITIVE RAFFI. “Willabee Wallabee Woo” is directly responsible for a substantial increase in insurance copays, as I now require weekly therapy. When coupled with nap-avoidance, REPETITIVE RAFFI creates a cruel and unusual workplace.

Please advise before your earliest convenience. And bring back-up.

Victimized,

Ann

Thanks Ann! I feel much better knowing my children are not alone in their ongoing struggle with public exposure disorder. Currently looking into starting a parent support group – I’ll add you to my distribution list.