This summer, I’ve been going to the community pool quite a bit during the week. And as I toss, swing and ferry small children who seem determined to pants me with kicking feet, I look around and experience this strange wave of everything in my life coming full circle.
I’m in my late thirties, and sometimes I still can’t believe it. I don’t think that my age is “old,” but it’s definitely older than I feel. And the increasingly laugh-lined face that looks back at me in the mirror each morning jars me with this obvious discrepancy. Only yesterday, I was looking at smooth teenage skin and lamenting imaginary cellulite on my thighs. I valued a tan over a clean bill of health from the dermatologist. Unwanted facial hair was for aging crones – not the likes of pink cheeked me.
I thought people over thirty were grownups…middle aged…parents, uncles, aunts…a far off future where so many things shouldn’t matter anymore. Because, they’re too old for that. Gross.
And now I’m here, in the heartland of not old, but not young anymore. In general, I really like my age and the humor, confidence and better priorities that I’ve picked up along the way. But getting older doesn’t necessarily translate into getting wiser, and anyone my age is susceptible to their fair share of heartbreak, disappointment and selfishness.
Within the past month I have sat by the pool and talked to two different friends about their husbands cheating on them – even leaving them for other women. What once shocked and disgusted me as a young girl has now become a possible reality for my contemporaries. Something people gossip about. What must the young lifeguards think when they overhear bits and pieces of these conversations… Him? Her? Eeew. Too old.
When you’re seventeen, you don’t want to think about older people that way. I very clearly remember being horrified by the idea of affairs – of people leaving their husband or wife for someone else. About the scandal of it all. From my perspective they really were too old for that kind of thing. They should have been more responsible, and their aging bodies just made the behavior seem all the more sordid and repulsive.
I spent the summers of my high school years lounging around pools where my friends were lifeguards. I never actually worked at a pool myself as I’m a mediocre swimmer at best, but I took full advantage of the visitation rights we all assumed. And during that time, I saw a lot of “old” people embarrassing themselves.
When you’re thirty eight, a nice thirty three year old unmarried man with all of his hair and a good job is a catch! When you’re seventeen, he’s just some old guy trying to flirt with you. Again – gross.
My husband has often remarked on his reluctance to hold overly long conversations with the long legged beauties who lifeguard at our pool. Even if it’s about swim lessons for our kids or their own college plans, there is something about this half-dressed contact with them that makes him feel like a dirty old man. Like he has no business even peripherally glancing in their direction, lest he actually notice how attractive they are. He has a daughter now and automatically thinks of her. What if it was a teenage Eleanor on display for the middle aged men at the pool. Someday it will be…
We’ve even had conversations about whether we think the lifeguards are aware of their varying effects on the pool parents or if they’re totally oblivious. Based on my own experience, I would guess that the girls know, and can tell the difference between friendly dads and leering lechers. But we both agree that the boys are probably clueless.
Chris swam competitively through college and did his fair share of lifeguarding. Looking back, he can remember a few incidents of what may have been slightly too friendly attentions from a mom or two, but not much beyond that. Maybe it wasn’t common. Or maybe it just didn’t register.
From what I’ve observed, the mommies around the baby pool are far less likely to notice the lifeguards. We’re too busy changing swim diapers and organizing snacks during breaks. And of course, teenage boys are so obviously “too young.” We may not be able to tell whether they’re seniors in high school or freshmen in college – but it’s all the same. Many (if not all) of us are old enough to have been of legal drinking age when they were born. And the much younger man relationship is far less typical and acceptable in current society than the much younger woman variety. For most of us, any physical attraction associated with these guys is a cringe worthy concept.
Well… With one exception. Because any woman from my neighborhood who read this would be thinking the same thing: um – what about Scott? [A pseudonym of course.] This young man has the community pool moms abuzz. Because yes – he is just that good looking.
It started with a few tentative remarks: “so did you see THAT guy?” But it’s escalated to joking comments about his days off: “Yeah – so disappointing news…Scott’s not here today. I mean really, what’s the point of even coming…”
I know – I know… It sounds silly. But he really is nostalgia inducing. He’s that super cute guy you knew in school who was also really nice. He has that same effortless confidence (and tattoos!). He’s tall with broad shoulders. He has black, shaggy surfer hair and a perfect tan. He’s what your grandma may have once called “a tall drink of water”, and what the cougars refer to as “almost legal.” It’s impossible not to notice him. And maybe even giggle a little at the ridiculously immature (and largely universal) reaction to his impromptu games of water Frisbee.
It really does make me laugh just thinking about it. And the first time I saw him, I couldn’t contain my guffaw of amusement. I was watching an actual cliche dive into our boring, suburban pool. The hot lifeguard indeed.
But just so you know, Scott is also a very nice boy who is great with my kids. From afar, “the hot lifeguard” is a two dimensional reminder of our own often forgotten youth. But up close in conversation, he’s just a good looking high school boy. Just as goofy. Just as ordinary. And yes – I think just as oblivious to the effect he has on the old(ER!) ladies. Or at least oblivious to the extent of it.
My husband, Chris finds the whole thing endlessly entertaining. It also holds a little nostalgia for him since he claims that he was once on the other side of the whistle. Of course that’s what he says. Even the other men in the neighborhood have noticed Scott, and when Chris casually commented, “that was once me,” my neighbor, Rich dryly retorted, “THAT was never you.”
Seriously! Grown people are having these conversations. This summer’s hot lifeguard is quickly gaining legendary status…we may be talking about him for years.
Because we’re all very affected by the young people around us. They remind us of who we were. And who we weren’t. In fact, I think those missed opportunities in life often hold more power over us than the accomplishments do. When you’re young, there is all of this time ahead. All of this possibility. Even if we’re not the best, brightest or prettiest – things could always change. Then we’re not young anymore and that ship has sailed.
At this point, I doubt many of us have serious regrets about not being the most popular person in our class or dating the super good looking, nice guy that Scott seems to be. But we might regret thinking we didn’t deserve it. Looking back, would I say that the most popular people were also the best looking people? Nope. Really, it all comes down to confidence. And I think we all have some regrets for not exhibiting more of it when we really should have.
When the subject of Scott first came up, my friends talked about how he reminded them of old boyfriends. Me? Not so much. I never dated anyone like that. Nor did I try. I “didn’t really care about looks” when I was a teenager. Which probably stemmed more from insecurity than well placed priorities. I’m sure that on some level I just assumed “that guy” was out of my league. Now I realize that this was far from true. When you’re in high school, a little confidence (and a loose moral or two) can go a long way.
So when we see the carefree lifeguards spending their summer in the sun without any plans past that evening’s keg party, we do feel a twinge of nostalgia for a time when anything was possible – even if we didn’t realize it.
Life isn’t so carefree anymore. Every day you hear another rumor circulating through your friends and acquaintances. This one lost his job. That one left her husband. Those two have been secret alcoholics for years… Ironically enough, it’s these stories that have endless possibilities.
It all makes me look back with bittersweet fondness for the girl that I used to be and the simple life I led. I really don’t have many regrets. Ultimately, those unnecessary insecurities allowed me a little more time to be innocent.
And I don’t regret the loss of that time in my life either. I’m ready to be older. To be a mother…a wife…a friend who listens and understands. Youth doesn’t corner the market on everything lovely. There really is beauty in aging gracefully – even if we do stumble now and again.
But it would be nice to send a little wisdom back in time. A message in a bottle to the shiny, new people we were once becoming. Mine would say:
Dear teenage Kate,
You have the rest of your life to not care about looks. Go flirt with the hot lifeguard.
Fondly,
Your older and slightly more jaded self
Youth really is wasted on the young…
Okay Kate – THIS one must be sent to a magazine! You need to publish it somewhere other than here! You're such an amazing writer and thinker…I've had many of these thoughts before, but never could have put them together so eloquently. Love, love, loved it. Every word.
Ah, so true! But you can't get a teen to believe that. (For proof, see my post from tonight!)
I just want to tell my teen self to hold on because things will (eventually) get better. Or to talk to someone about why things are tough, because that wasn't AT ALL part of the way our family functioned. I used to teach artsy, alienated, not at the cool kids table teenagers to make movies and from my vantage as an adult, I could tell they were going to be interesting, empathetic adults and they were already artists with something compelling to say, which was more than the cool kids had going for them. I told them life would get better and they'd find their own tribe and to keep looking if they didn't find them at first. Wish someone had told me that. Great post. And we had a hot Keanu dude at the gym for a while. Nice…
I agree, Kate, great piece of writing! I love the last paragraph. You are a very talented writer (amongst other things, mama!)
I think this might be one of my favorite posts of yours ever. So beautifully written.
My letter would say:
Dear teenage Brittany,
Quit worrying so much about what everybody thinks. You're adorable so pick your eyes up off the floor and look the world in the face.
By the way, some of those "popular girls" aren't even going to come to your 10-year reunion because they got fat and were embarrassed to go.
Love,
Your older, wiser, and more confident self.
P.S. Don't worry, your boobs get huge in college.
love it and you are hilarious!!! and i agree completely…and with what christy said!
This is high quality writing, Kate! You are seriously gifted and I always enjoy your pieces, whether they're funny or serious. Great stuff! xx
I'm with Christy. This is magazine worthy. I could absolutely see you writing articles for a glossy smart magazine and then I would subscribe and tell people how I used to read her blog and fill everyone in on how Christy and I urged her to write for a magazine…basically take all the credit for how you got a big deal job.
I sure like you, Kate.
This is such a magnificent post, which really captures the combination of nostalgia and contentment that I've been feeling as my 40th just past. You have done a wonderful job with the terrifyingly tricky balance, too, of talking about a h.s. boy without being the least bit creepy. Thank you for this articulation. It's just wonderful.
Oh, my, I am currently posting a story online at http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com (start at July 3) about all of this – thinking back, realizing you are the "older woman" and finding the younger set suddenly attractive. The story will all sound familiar to the mommy set until the main character starts to explore the paths we can't and don't. I hope you will take a peek. It's fun and a little dangerous, the kind of stuff we think to ourselves while sitting around the baby pool.
You are a fabulous writer. Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth
http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com
This is so great. I had one of those moments at the grocery store the other day. 3 little tanned, bleached blonde girls and me in my work attire. My Mom has always told me "you'll never be younger and thinner than you are right now". I've refused to believe the thinner part, but looking back it is true!
My MIL works at a HS and oh the things I'd like to share with some of those girls about their drama. But they will never understand until they go through it themselves. In fact I too have a lot to learn yet!
Great post! Makes me want to move into your neighborhood.
What a great post!
I gave it some linky love on my blog today. Hope it sends some more people your way!
:) Robin