At the start of each new year I think about what I want to do differently this time around. Not necessarily in the way of actual resolution making though. Just a few, “what the hell am I doing with my life?” soliloquies. Only in my head of course – I mean, I don’t hang out on balconies assuming the presence of a sympathetic yet invisible audience. So I say, that is…on my blog.
But back to my initial train of thought.
The great thing about having kids is that they are happy to answer that “who am I?” question for you with their, “me, me, me, me” vocal warm up. Once they start their opening number about wanting it now – SOB! – him doing that again – SHRIEK! – her not doing it AGAIN – SMACK!…I cut them off after the second chorus of CONSTANT WHINING and think, “right, okay – so purpose in life covered.”
For now.
But eventually that purpose gets downsized, and the five extra hands you could currently use are exchanged for two frequently aimless ones. Not useless – just not as much in demand. And the excellent excuse that children once provided for a lack of personal ambition loses it’s relevance. And what then?
Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t some stay at home mom angst I’m addressing here. I was a working mom until two years ago and it was the same story then. I had a job that helped pay the bills – but personal identity was always a hazy spot on the horizon of “maybe someday.” That’s all well and good when you’re in school, in your twenties, and even in your thirties, but at some point you have to say, “wait a minute – I think I’m actually a grown up now…so that means I should probably know what I want to be when I grow up…” And then we get very busy with a project or a committee and cover our ears to la la la la ourselves into a state of sorrytoobusycan’tthinkaboutthatrightnow.
Unless of course you’ve actually figured it all out and have a crystal clear image of who you are, who you want to be, and exactly how you’re going to get there. If so, then please go away and write a book about it or something. I can’t even look at you right now. But hey! Let’s do lunch soon and maybe you can give me some free coaching, okay?
No… I’m nowhere near even beginning to figure this out. But I do plan to carve out some time in my schedule to start thinking about it. Between avoiding reality and drifting aimlessly, I’m fairly booked up. But I think I see an opening sometime in…oh, May of 2020. Just kidding of course. That’s far too ambitious.
Wait! Hobbies! That’s right – I can have fulfilling hobbies. Writing a blog, yoga, gardening, baking, suduko, binge eating, TELEVISION WATCHING… The options are endless. But here’s the problem with that: these options are just hobbies. Hobbies are filler – fun activities that can be dropped when real life dictates. They aren’t a true statement of self. They’re just current interests that require a higher level of goals and achievement to have any serious role in personal identity.
And THAT is really what I think I’m getting at. I won’t always be defined by motherhood and I doubt I’ll ever be defined by a career – but I CAN’T be defined by a hobby either. It needs to be something enduring.
Deciding what that something will be may come easily to some. But not to me. I have a long, rich history of forgoing personal ambition for general daily survival. And I attribute this to the fact that I’ve always been a bit of a late bloomer.
Sadly this didn’t apply to not being the tallest girl in the class and getting my first bra a year before everyone else. It’s just that I was never quite ready for the next big leap into the future that everyone else my age was making. I wasn’t ready for high school. How do you go from PG-13 movie watching sleepovers at the end of August to weekend keg parties in early September? I never did understand that. And I wasn’t ready for college either – leaping again into a real unknown without all those familiar faces to provide even a little bit of security. Then I wasn’t ready to graduate college…to move to a new city…to…well, ANYTHING. And it continues on, even now that I really am grownup.
I was never a misfit or an outcast for this pathological aversion to anything new, but I never quite felt like I was in step with the rest of the world. Time moved more slowly for me and ultimately, I could never truly keep up.
But then we all seem to have our own memories of feeling like we’re on the outside looking in to the way things should be. That’s why again and again people write stories about underdogs. We love them – can’t get enough. Hell – I once even had a BLOG devoted to underdogs. Those stories are OUR story. The one we whisper to each other in shame and then laugh loudly about when we’ve had too much to drink. We take solace in each other’s company and discover that suddenly EVERYONE’S an underdog. We’ve all been eating the same Breakfast Club bagels and had no idea. Not even after SEEING The Breakfast Club. DUH!
But I don’t know that I’m buying it completely – there have got to be some golden children out there… Or at least some deluded enough to believe in their own mythology. And I’m sorry – but they don’t really get it – this feeling of missing beats and falling behind. They’re the ones setting the pace.
Here is where I blast Pink’s Raise Your Glass and say DAMMIT – I DO fit in. I DO have a perfectly fine pace. And I WILL figure out who I’m going to be when I grow up!
I don’t think I’ll dye my hair pink and pierce my nose…but “rock star” was never on my bucket list anyway.
I’ll happily settle for knowing that others out there get it (even if “it” rambles on to the point of incoherence at times). That they’re feeling the same way and pursuing the same dream. That they are looking for what “me” means to them. Not the parent me, the office me, the high school alumni committee me, the PTA volunteer me, the neighbor who feeds your cats while you’re out of town me… The “me” involving no external responsibilities. The totally selfish, I know who am I am and where I want to go and how I want to get there me. The “it’s NOT a hobby!” me. The who I want to be when I grow up me.
I may not find her this year. But I’m committed to making a start. And I think I’m going to do it here.
It’s true – I don’t have the time or money to take a writing class. I don’t even know if I have the talent to justify the time or expense. But I do have an idea or two…and both started here. I’m going to pursue that, and I’d love it if there were maybe one or two or two hundred of you who were around to make me follow up on that commitment. I’m happy to do the same for you.
While I’ll fervently dedicate my whole life to my children – my family – I’m also adding myself to the priority list. 2011 is going to be the year of “me.” And in case you didn’t notice, I added those quotation marks to denote a broader sense of the word. One that absolutely includes any other underdogs who would like to join me.
So in honor of the new year and all of its possibility – the dream of underdogs everywhere to finally catch their stride and know where they fit in – the straight up fact that I need to get off my ass and do something with these ideas already…I’d be honored if you and you and you and oh, especially you, would all join me in a toast to 2011. And raise your glass. For “me.”
Yeah!! I'm the first to comment. I loved your post. I'm right there with you. We need to have lunch to talk about the whole thing.
BTW, as you know, I love PINK and love her latest song go. "If you're too school for cool.." Isn't that funny.
I have so many underdog stories it's not even funny. But at the same time I had times that I was the "leader" and taking the group in certain directions. So I guess you can be both at different times.
OK, now I'm just doing free association and that's maybe something I should save for my blog.
Big hug, happy new year and miss you!
I think you're a rockstar. And I wish you WOULD dye your hair…I think Eleanor would appreciate it as well.
Please invite me to lunch to discuss this whole thing with you ladies! I am minus a couple kids, but right there with you!
great post.
great song and line!
loved the underdog blog and if you ever want to take that on again, i'd totally help you out.
big hug and happy new year but whatever. you're awesome and don't you ever forget it!!!
xo
I so feel you. Btw, I have my nose pierced, maybe it's your year to rebel (I mean it's classic). Pink hair, so 2009.
My glass raises to you, I look forward to seeing what path you choose to make in 2011.
Cheers!!
So timely… no kidding, I was just telling another mom today that this is the year of "me." I've neglected taking care of myself ever since becoming a mom. I don't want my daughters to grow up thinking becoming a mom means your too busy to work out or go to the dentist.
I just keep reinventing myself. That sounds better than "I'm still figuring it out". Better still was when a friend described it as being a Renaissance woman – sounds a whole lot better than a dabbler ;). In any case, I'm 41 and still figuring it all out.
I think you rock just the way you are.
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Yay Kate! Me, me, me too! :) Loved reading this an embarrassing three times. You already DO have the talent, in my humble opinion. And the voice. And the authenticity. GO KATE GO!
A very amusing and thought provoking post. For whatever reason, I have never felt quite like this. I have always known who I was, what I wanted, where I was going (even if I had to change direction). I do think, tho, that the 30's is when a lot of people feel the way you do. I am on my way to the fifties and don't remember much of the thirties anyway. : )
Raising my glass to you right now!
I am feeling a real lack of direction in my life. I have the added burden that my former students ARE superstars,and it leaves me wondering if I've made the best use of my time/life.
I love this post — in large part because I've been feeling a lot along these same lines. Especially this:
While I'll fervently dedicate my whole life to my children – my family – I'm also adding myself to the priority list. 2011 is going to be the year of "me."
I do have a career that I love — but not all about it is lovable, and there are things, parts of me, that are singularly unfulfilled by career-type-work anyway. Hence my recent foray into a hobby. :) For real. But I do think that sometimes hobbies can define us, can help us think about who we are and what we want to be. Not that we want to become the Crazy Cat Lady on the Hill who spends all day every day knitting, or something, but that sometimes the creativity or physical outlet or other mode of expression of a hobby can help us feel more grounded and centered so that we can figure out how to pursue whatever else it is we also want for ourselves. Know what I mean?
I think you know exactly where you're headed. And I love that you are going to focus on yourself and your writing as well. Happy New Year!
Cheers to 2011, my friend! I think you should have a 'me' year. I want to do so much this year – perhaps giving myself a one year time limit to accomplish some of these goals is something I should do, you know? Put the pressure on and all that jazz!
This includes, of course, getting more massages! ;)
I hope to see you at Blogher in San Diego? Are you going again?
Oh how I get this. Love this post. Yes yes and yes and yes :)
Happy New Year, lady!
I'm raising my glass to you. I think you should go for it, whatever that means. I only dream of finding "me" at the moment. Maybe I'll be inspired by you to try…
I'll toast to that lady! Here's to taking time for yourself and appreciating how fabulous you are!
I've only just figured out where I want to go this past year. Only just. I completely relate to you on being a late bloomer and feeling out of step with the world – really, really get that. Really – in case you didn't catch that.
Cheers to you, friend. To finding your way.
Congrats for making you part of your 2011, too many of us forget about that. I totally understand where you're coming from and my glass is raised high.
I dyed my hair redish…does that count!
The search for me is never ending sweet friend. Those of us who give in unending amounts during our "motherhood" have a hard time finding it. I have a big career outside of my kids, but you know what? None of it matters if they aren't okay.
Take some time for yourself outside of your family, even if it feels like it is a waste of time…sometimes it makes you look back on what you are doing and realize it's the biggest job of all.
Just one working moms take….I get what you are saying but you are doing a whole lot more than you realize. You are creating the next generation and there is something to be said for that honey.
PS: you don't need a writing class…you are already all sorts of awesome!!