Thanks to Crystal Light for sponsoring this post. To learn more about how Crystal Light can flavor your day with 30 refreshing flavors, visit http://www.facebook.com/crystallight.
So I have another opportunity to write a sponsored post for those Clever Girls… This one has the theme of “what you do to take time for yourself every day.” Basically – how do you feel like you have a life when you willingly handed it over to small people with huge egos and very little concept of anyone else’s needs?
The obvious answer is drastically lowered expectations.
And I’m not really kidding about that. Because pre-parenthood, all of your time was your own. Even when you didn’t think so – it was. Work meetings, family functions, awkward dates…technically, you could always walk away. Sure – there would be consequences…but nothing that couldn’t be rectified at a later time.
When you have screaming children in your home (or even just annoying ones), you don’t have the option to walk away and deal with the consequences later. The court system really frowns upon that kind of thing, you know.
So you go from having this whole life all about you and what you choose to do with it, to a whole life all about someone else. One with A LOT of have to’s. So yes – lowered expectations are a given.
And come on…it’s not all that bad. The little dictators in your house love you more than anyone else in your life EVER will. And they open you up to entirely new levels of patience, forgiveness, empathy and a true appreciation of uninterrupted sleep. It’s like getting your first pair of glasses: “oh my god – is THAT what I’ve been looking at all these years? I had no idea…brand new lease on life – SIGNED!“
With that fresh new perspective comes a herculean challenge though: Not losing yourself completely in Mommyland.
The reality is that there isn’t that much “me time” and when you have it, you tend to use it for previously under valued activities such as showering, napping and brushing your teeth. Your personal breaks are relegated to your children’s school hours and nap schedules. And often with multiple age situations, the two don’t always coincide. So you often have a sidekick for whatever passes for time to yourself.
That said, I did start out as a working mom, and during that period of my life (which would be when I had a two year old and infant twins), I survived by making the most of my daily lunch break and the odd personal health – I mean sick day. The rat race commute and the evening scramble to work in dinner, baths and play time before 8 p.m. frankly sucked. But the windows of “me time” to do a little shopping or just sit outside and read were a major perk.
Almost two years ago, I left the working world to stay home with my kids, and any shred of personal identity that I had previously clung to quickly disappeared. It may have lingered around the dry clean only clothes or the impractical shoes for a while…but I suspect it moped away once the dust started to settle over that now unused corner of my closet.
I didn’t notice. I was too busy scrubbing pee out of the carpet.
I was also busy enjoying this new found time to just “be” with my children. I didn’t lament those lunch break pedicures of yore – the trade off suited me just fine. I was actually discovering a new aspect of “me” – one that didn’t have two jobs demanding nothing less than 110 percent (who can give 220 percent of themselves I ask you?) That part of immersing myself in child rearing was actually quite liberating. So I focused on that – the gains not the losses.
This would be the second requirement for feeling like you have a life – I mean, keeping a sense of self – when you have little to no personal time. You have to embrace the role and make it your own. Tell yourself jokes during the day and marvel at how clever you still are. Start a blog even!
You have to make your mothering about you as much as you make it about your children. And I don’t mean that in a selfish Mommy Dearest kind of way. I just think that keeping yourself in the picture – like taking a break from the housework to put on music YOU like and dance with your children – can feel like taking time for yourself. You may not be all by yourself – but you’re still there (and possibly even the star of the moment).
But come on – at the end of the day we all want a little time to ourselves. And there are tons of ways to find stolen minutes here and there (rule of thumb: try to group them into about 60 at a time). But you have to give up being “perfect mom” in pretty much any scenario I can imagine.
If your children don’t nap anymore, institute “quiet time” for an hour every afternoon. Let them watch a little TV. It won’t destroy any brain cells – I promise. And there are plenty of educational options if you’re really die hard about 24/7 learning opportunities (fun fact: I am not). And DON’T use that time to fold laundry. That’s only allowed if you are multi-tasking while catching up on last night’s episode of Glee.
You can also find other women to share babysitting duties. I’m lucky to live in a townhouse community with friendly neighbors, and have made several good friends who also have small children. I think nothing of asking one of them to watch my twins while I run out to an appointment and don’t hesitate to take them up on offers to host play dates so I can have some time to myself. I do the same for them. It’s like Utopia! But one with time outs and pee pee accidents.
Don’t have that kind of neighborhood? Approach the other preschool/elementary school moms with invitations to their children for play dates. It’s amazing how disinterested your kids will be in you when a better option presents itself. You may not be able to immerse yourself in a Netflix movie – but you can probably sit on the couch with a magazine in between refereeing disputes over toys and snack breaks.
Or maybe you have a baby who won’t nap for more than 20 minutes at a time and there is no free childcare option. Well -remember that expensive stroller from your registry? Use it. Go for a walk outside or in the closest mall if the weather isn’t nice. I lost all of my baby weight pushing strollers up and down hills. And I kept myself entertained with recorded books on my ipod. That ended any complaints that I never had any time to read anymore.
And I could go on… If you put your mind to it, you can always find a way to carve out a little time for yourself (even if you’re not technically by yourself).
So let’s review. (1) Lower your expectations for personal time. (2) Embrace motherhood as a fabulous new facet to your fun, fascinating and clever self. (3) Create opportunities to have a little “me time” (even if a mini-me might be in the next room).
It’s not so hard.
But I would strongly encourage one more thing: Don’t forget who you used to be. She was pretty great too. Pick a few things that made her “her” and try to come up with some version of them that can be applied to your current lifestyle.
Former fashionistas should NOT be wearing sweat pants to the grocery store. It’s just as easy to come up with a few go to outfits that can be changed day to day with different accessories. Great shoes don’t have to sport a four inch heel. It takes minutes to apply a little lip gloss and mascara and YES – you can do this with one hand while holding a baby.
Athletic ladies who once never missed their morning run should NOT be be sitting on the couch eating potato chips and crying about those last 10-2o pounds that won’t come off. Gyms have childcare. Or if a gym membership isn’t possible, pushing the stroller up and down hills is a GREAT workout (see testimonial above). Older kids can ride bikes next to you while you run. Exercise videos are silly – but effective. And look for weekend sports teams – the whole family can cheer you on.
Life of the party gals who “never met a stranger” should NOT be crying about how isolated they feel. Get out there and meet other moms. I won’t give advice on how to do so since there are entire websites and countless books dedicated to the subject. Meet people and organize gatherings that include the wee ones. Then plan a girls night out sans ankle biters – I mean, little angels.
Never forget who you were before you had kids. Regardless of lowered expectations, you’ll still need her to get through the rough patches. And someday a million years (or a nanosecond) from now, you won’t have small children demanding your attention. There has to be more on our personal identity resume than “mom of three.” You’re more than that. And you always will be.
Off my soapbox now! Do you have any advice or suggestions? I’d love to hear them.
Remember, visit http://www.facebook.com/crystallight to learn more about how Crystal Light can flavor your day with 30 refreshing flavors. I was selected and paid for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
I am sending this post to a mom I know who is going through a rough patch – I think it'll help her more than my 'come on! let's get out' emails do.
Super awesome advice and at least one new idea for me – listening to books on tape while running! That might work for me! I'm going to check into it!
This was great even for a person with no kids, Kate. Some helpful tips to keep in mind for the future! xo
great post…GREAT! and that is very good advice and i just had that epiphany last week. book on tape! i get so bored and my mind constantly thinks of what else i should be doing. anyway…
i LOVE that photo too! gorgeous….
Beautiful photo! I love it. Great advice It is so easy to forget who we are,