I hate abrupt changes of subject. Not so much the change in topic…maybe just the tone.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m all about the tangent. So that’s fine. But one minute crying about serious matters – the next minute laughing about inconsequentials? It just doesn’t feel right to me.
So before I get back to my typical blog posts about my children and my wrinkles, I wanted to create some kind of bridge between last week and this week.
I won’t be writing about my friend Anna anymore. And I feel like I have to say something about this because I did write THREE posts about her. I wasn’t planning to do that, but one was a first reaction, the next was an attempt to do something supportive and the last was basically a letter to her. Each had a different purpose, but now there is nothing left for me to do or say here.
Feel free to add a link to the “For Anna See” post at any time – it’s there for everyone. And don’t feel strange about your own sudden change of topic. I know that you still care. Because I do.
Sometimes I really hate that saying “life goes on.” But it’s true for everyone. And as much as I will be emotionally invested in this for a very long time, my blog is not the appropriate place to talk about it.
So here? Life will go on. Just like it does everywhere else. I’ll talk about silly inconsequential things. I’ll even complain about my children. And I won’t feel guilty about it because that’s just something we do. It’s okay. We all know that none of that takes away from the bigger picture.
We all love our children. And we all die a little inside when we hear about a child lost. Because it could have been ours. It still could be. It’s terrifying.
But here is what we do… We cry. We feel sad and scared. We try to help. We feel so lucky that this time it didn’t happen to us. We accept that it could in the future. And we feel very, very grateful for this one more day with our children. Because they are all so precious – days, children, days with them… We know. We appreciate that.
And then we change the subject. Because life goes on. There is a time and a place for everything. And this is no longer the time or place for grief.
I will never stop caring. But I will stop talking about it here. I’ll be silly and irreverent and I’ll even say things that sound ungrateful – because I’m not. I’m very serious about how grateful I am. For everything that I have – for this one more day. And I know that you are too.
Great segue Kate … and you are so right. As much as we all mourn for Anna. We do. And we will. For as long as we know her. Life does go on, despite … It has to.
I'm sure it'll be a tonic to her. Well, I'm not sure of anything except that I know how you feel.
Well said Kate.
This is perfect Kate. I've had these thoughts swirling around too but never considered writing them down — I'm glad you did.
Life always has to go one. Part of that is so sad and the other part is comforting. We have to live. For us, for our kids, for those who are gone. They'd want us too. This I just have to believe.
xoxo
absolutely perfect….
xxx
Thanks for this Kate. Hug!
Love you.
You are a sweet friend.
Normalcy, in it's own way and timing, can be a balm that heals and comforts as well.
I hope this is what you meant when you wrote this post and what has been encapsulated so well by Tasha: "Normalcy, in it's own way and timing, can be a balm that heals and comforts as well". Because otherwise, what you wrote is what is so wrong with the on-line Mommy community. By all means, write about your everyday aggravations. Somewhere out there is a parent who would give anything to have her child back, and will never stop grieving. If anything, what you should have written is, "I will stop spending so much time sitting around blogging about everyday mundanities, and enjoy my kids while we have this time together". I doubt very much that your blogging will be a "tonic" to this bereaved mother. Saying "life goes on" less than a fortnight after such a tragedy simply screams "Me Me Me".
I should explain. I live in Australia. I have four young children, and I also work outside the home. I clicked on a link that a friend had posted, and read about the unspeakable tragedy of the loss of Anna's son. I don't spend a lot of time online, and I'm certainly not one of those Mommy bloggers. I don't have time to do that. But this "life goes on" thing just shocks me, as do the "thanks for this" posts in reponse. Thanks for what, exactly? Allowing bloggers to go back to their 15 minutes of Mommy fame without feeling guilty? This is what is wrong with online communities: you forget that there are real people out there, living real tragedies. Not 15-minute tragedies that just go away as life goes on – REAL LIFE tragedies that completely and utterly alter the fabric and courses of people's lives. For God's sake!!! Life goes on??? Maybe for you. Which is all that matters, right?
Catherine – I'm sorry you found this offensive. I wanted to reply to you privately in an email – but I don't have your contact information.
Anna is actually a good friend of mine. I just spent yesterday morning with her – I'll be seeing her every week. This isn't a short term concern for me.
I have a small blog (no Mommy fame) and pretty much everyone who commented on this particular post (with the exception of Tasha) has met Anna in real life and are people whom she considers friends.
Statements such as "thanks for this" actually come from people who have been conducting an ongoing offline discussion about what we can do to help and support our friend. No one is thanking me for validating their fickle emotions.
I don't think I've spent more than five minutes NOT thinking about this since it happened. But it's not appropriate for me to talk about that on my blog anymore. It's now a personal matter. For her and for me. And by saying that life goes on "here," that's all I meant. Ironically enough – I wrote this because I couldn't just abruptly change the subject. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Anna and it's hard to write about anything else.
I completely understand that you wrote these comments with good intentions. And you did it on behalf of someone I love – so I appreciate that too. In fact, there isn't anything that you said that isn't true. But it's out of context. And this isn't the appropriate time or place for debate or commentary on what is wrong with online communities.
If you would like to chat offline with me about this – please feel free to email me. I appreciate you're caring enough to reach out here.
Kate, I'm behind on EVERYTHING. Forgive me for being late to this post. You've hit the nail on the head, beautifully. Anna's comment must validate you in the most powerful way. Love, love, love to you… and of course…Anna. xo
I'm sure she appreciated your tributes so much and would equally appreciate you returning to your regularly scheduled programming! Your friend is lucky to have you lady!