I’ve found that ever since I became a parent, I’ve started doing something that as a teenage babysitter, I swore I’d never do. I threaten my kids with consequences that have no basis in reality. For example, although Oliver no longer naps, I habitually claim that if he doesn’t stop the problem behavior at issue, I will send him straight up to his room for a nap. It could be 10 a.m., 2 p.m. or 7 p.m. That’s the threat. It’s ridiculous, but I just can’t seem to come up with anything better in the heat of the moment (and don’t even talk to me about time outs or naughty steps because we’ve tried it all and none of it works for us).
One result of this is that I can now identify any empty threat, even if I’m hearing it from a random stranger passing by. Prior to having my own kids, I only spotted the obvious ones from the people I knew well. But now that I’m a parent, I can tell when other parents are being less than truthful about punishment. Recently at the mall, I overheard a woman telling her kids that if they didn’t stop fighting they “wouldn’t be able to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for dinner.” Oh sure, I can hear it now, “Hi Mom. Bad news. Yeah, the kids are fighting. Mmm hmm – so we’re not going to be able to make it for dinner tonight.” Like that would EVER happen.
I’ve also heard myself say some of the most bizarre things without even a hint of irony. Here is a selection from the past couple of weeks:
- Boys without pants can’t go outside.
- Boys who poop in their pants don’t get ice cream.
- You can’t be naked – the floor is too dirty.
- Please don’t throw things at her head.
- I won’t sit with you if you keep flinging yourself at me.
- There is no way that you’re bringing that dead caterpillar inside.
- Stop doing that to the worm. He doesn’t like it.
- Hey – who wants to watch Barney?
And I can honestly say that I never expected to feel exhilarated at the sight of an unflushed toilet. That is – when it is my son that didn’t flush, and only if it shows some hard won results of the never-ending torture that people call potty training.
Not only have my conversational skills suffered, I’ve also gotten nerdier (if that’s even possible). Not only do I enjoy many Wiggles songs, I am sometimes unable to restrain myself trying out some of their more complicated dance routines. All under the guise of entertaining the kids of course – but it’s hard to resist those Hoop De Doo Wiggly Polka moves. The good news is that all of this ridiculous leaping about is very similar to a high impact aerobics class.
With the exception of pushing the double stroller around on the weekends, I really don’t have free time to exercise these days. Luckily, my schedule from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed doesn’t afford many opportunities to snack; and running up and down the stairs of my town house is kind of like exercise. But I’ve decided that if I ever need to incorporate some more intense cardio, I’ll just “do” a Wiggles DVD. The movement involved in each one seems to be the equivalent of an hour long 80’s jazzercise class. No wonder they all look so trim in their brightly colored, monochromatic lycra-blend outfits.
This work out plan will not be effective with all kid DVDs of course. I’d say that The Backyardigans are another good choice since they do a lot of dancing (and they totally rock) – but Barney won’t work. He’s not very dynamic. Hmm…seems as if I’m back to the bizarre statements… Now if I want to come full circle, I just need to find a reason to threaten Oliver with a nap.
I’m loving “You can’t be naked, the floor is too dirty!”
You wouldn’t believe the lengths I go to for making nap time happen with my three year old. He resists them like they’re organized mommy torture. I don’t get it, what’s so bad about napping? I LOVE napping during the day. In fact, if I can time it just right with the two kids, I do a little dance all the way to my bed!
What a great post! I can relate to all of it.
I can’t exercise to Wiggle shows because I am too busy drooling over Anthony. I :heart: his smile.
I find that I say more ridiculous things to DH than the kids. Like….no you can’t take DS into the liquor store. And yes he needs to wear shoes on the hot pavement. And no the kids can’t help you mow the lawn…they are 1 and 2 for crying out loud!
You are scaring me with this post. No nap and potty training? AHHHH! I don’t want to think about either of those things.
you reminded me of the times my four year old would be stark naked (the naked stage), then let the dogs out the front door and follow them — while i was talking to the neighbors outside, so i had to go chasing a naked four year old and two disobedient dogs! i never knew who to grab first!
I’ve put together some odd phrases myself. My favorite? Stop licking the building! You don’t know where it’s been!
The response? “Mom, it’s a building. It stays right here.”
Smartass. Where *does* he get it? :)