(Now with Eleanor update at the end.)
I was planning to post this quick sound byte from our weekend (already written below) but I need to do a little venting first (and I’ll TRY to keep it short since don’t want to be an online whiner).
I sometimes really wish I just wanted to (okay – that’s 50% that we could afford for me to) be a stay at home mom. Sometimes this is just too hard. Work is incredibly stressful right now. We have a seminar taking place tomorrow and the President is speaking. She’s notorious for finding SOMETHING wrong every time she does a seminar, and I’m just bracing myself for this one. Too many things were going wrong at the last minute today…
THEN at 4:00 I got a call from daycare that Eleanor had a temperature. Not too high – just 101 – but she has been having this off and on for the past few days, and it was up to 103 on Saturday. I only sent her to daycare because she seemed fine this morning.
When I picked her up, I planned to leave the boys there and bring her to the store to pick up a few things before the regular 5:15 pick up time. THEN while I was getting details about her day from our daycare provider, she threw up ALL OVER ME. The good news is that while it drenched my top, it somehow missed my skirt and I had just picked up the dry cleaning this morning. The bad news that there wasn’t one of my own tops in the dry cleaning. So I ended up wearing one of Chris’ dress shirts.
By the time I got Eleanor and myself somewhat cleaned up, it seemed ridiculous to leave and come back, so I packed everyone in the car. We carpool with Chris, so even though I called and told him to leave early, we had to circle the metro for almost 30 minutes. Thank god for portable DVD players, and Curious George, and the fact that my kids didn’t feel like watching the WIggles since their songs are already haunting my dreams.
Fast forward an hour – we decided that we wouldn’t wait until tomorrow to see a doctor since she gave us a 105.2 temperature scare last summer due to a UTI. I had a feeling that this might be another one and I’d rather not relive waking up at 3:00 a.m. to find my daughter having a seizure. We agreed that Chris would take her to our local urgent care center since the boys are both convinced that the world comes to an end when I leave the room (and because we naively thought that it would only be a couple of hours).
Now it’s 9:30, they’ve been there almost four hours and it will probably be another two. Eleanor has an IV, a catheter and has had blood taken for testing. Poor Chris has a phobia of needles (he passes out when he gives blood) and has had to be there for all of it. I did it last time and it was hard enough for me!
I’m not worried about Eleanor for anything more than her immediate discomfort. I know that this is another UTI. It’s not the end of the world. I certainly know people that have experienced worse – but it doesn’t make it any less scary for her. It doesn’t make it any less disturbing for my husband. And it doesn’t make it any less frustrating for me. I want to be there. I want to hold her and comfort her and let her know that I will ALWAYS be there if she needs me. That’s my real job. I’m the mom.
This time I will have to go to work. I’ve already exceeded my current vacation time by making the last minute trip to Key West. Chris can stay home with her as necessary tomorrow and I can’t. It’s just not a good day. I hate even thinking that. How can it ever be a bad day to take care of my children. If Chris was traveling for work, I would have to rearrange my schedule. But he can manage taking the day off – so there is no reason for me to stay home. Other than the obvious reason that I WANT to.
Don’t get me wrong – on good days, I like having a job. I won’t go into the history of that because I’ve gone back and forth on the subject. But I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t want to be a working mom. It’s just not working for me today. And I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. And I’m feeling guilty for that since I know that I have so much to be thankful for.
I just wish I could trade for a minute. I want to be at the urgent care center right now. I want to be home with my daughter tomorrow. And I want to feel like I’m giving 100% of myself to my children.
Okay that’s it. Sorry – didn’t keep it short. I did try though.
Back to our regularly scheduled program. This is some dialogue from this weekend that I found “weird on so many levels”:
Conversation over lunch at Chipotle:
Oliver (3 years old): OFF! OFF!
Me: No. Boys don’t take off their shirts off at Chipotle.
Chris: Yeah – what do you think this is? Your mother’s favorite gay bar at the beach?
8/12/08, 10:00 p.m. Eleanor Update:
Okay – so she’s fine. We have no idea what was wrong with her – but she woke up this morning like, “psyche!” (I’m feeling very 80s). But she really did seem to be very sick last night – so we don’t regret the ER drama. I mean they hooked her up to tubes and all…so it wasn’t like they were just humoring us. Anyway – it doesn’t seem to be a UTI like I thought, she hasn’t had a fever in 24 hours and she was tearing around the house causing as much mayhem as ever up to the minute we put her to bed. So for everyone that has been sending words of support – all is well. One last thing. Chris told me that when they were in the ER, she kept asking for her twin brother, “where George?” How cute is that?
I have worn my kids lunch more times than I care to remember.
I am absolutely hysterical over the chipotle coversation. please update me later on eleanor – i completely relate to wanting it all (motherhood/work) and then at times feeling inadequate at both.
So Sorry about the babe- keep us posted Yr a wonderful mom. I love the Chipotle chatter. Love it.
I am so sorry. I know it must be hard.
AND I LOVE CHIPOTLE, but I can’t eat there because of my elimination diet (soy in the tortillas and lime in the rice). I am so jealous.
I am sorry to hear about your little one. i am a SAHM and there are days when I want nothing more than to get dressed in something other than cotten and jeans and go to work. I don’t think that my co workers would be allowed to scream or whine at me. Can you have to both ways? Do you hang out at gay bars often?
Oh, how I know the “I want to work but I want to be a mom” dilemma.
Hope Eleanor is better soon. UTIs are major ick.
You’re such a great mom, Kate. So sorry about the puke. Hope Eleanor is feeling MUCH better today!
I know what you are feeling, but be gentle with yourself. There’s no way to be every thing we want to be. There are pros and cons to all parenting. I know you want to be there and I totally get that, but it’s a special thing, in some ways, that your husband will be with her the next few days. She will have a bond with her Daddy as a caretaker that a lot of kids (like mine) don’t get to have.
Hope she’s feeling better soon and that the seminar goes flawlessly.
Great meeting you too today :) (in person).
And I had no idea what a hard day it was for you –
I hope everyone in the Hood House is feeling better.
I’m putting you in my reader too!
Kate – I’m so sorry…I had not idea when we talked today that you had had such a hard night. You’re so strong.
I hope Eleanor is feeling better!
Jack – I myself have lost track. I’m glad no one told me about this when I was thinking about having kids.
Nancy – I knew that you of all people would appreciate the Chipotle convo.
Amy – Thanks for the support. And for the appreciation of our lunch topics. Chris asked me if I thought I should explain that sound bite. I think I’ll just let people use their imagination.
Christy – I’m sorry about the elimination diet. I find that if I can’t have a certain kind of food – that’s going to be the one I want the most (when I was pregnant – I craved sushi).
Dejah – Hope I didn’t give the impression that I think one is better or easier than the other. I just for that one moment wanted to be with my sick baby. This was the first time that it wasn’t me. As for your last question? What happens in Rehoboth stays in Rehoboth.
Insta-mom – As usual, I appreciate the understanding.
Ainsley – Coming from Super Mom? That means a lot.
Anymommy – See note above – ditto. I always appreciate the time you take with your comments and the thought that you put into them.
Nicole – Fun lunch today – let’s keep in touch.
Anastasia – At this point – I lose track of what we’ve told each other. But all is well now – so no worries.
Sorry about your sick wee one. :(
I so know what you mean about wanting to be home when you’re gone, wanting to be gone when you’re home…. I guess balance is what it’s all about, but… does anyone really have that? I mean, really?