This is something that I often hear myself saying to my daughter when she tries to wrestle with one of her brothers, and then ends up crying and wanting to be held and soothed. The fact that she’s not quite two years old makes me a little sympathetic – but I also know that this is a life lesson she needs to learn. She can’t always win, and she has to know that this is okay. And that she should keep trying. So far, she does keep trying – and I love seeing that. I wish I had been more like her growing up. In my usual late-to-the party-style, I’m only just starting to do this right.
I recently heard from a good friend and previous co-worker that my blog came up at the weekly directors meeting. Obviously I did not spam myself out to everyone there – but I do keep in touch with a few people. One of them brought it up to another one in the meeting. You know – in front of male V.P.s with whom I’ve only ever had professional relationships. Because of course they are the first people I would want to read my posts about my husband’s slovenly habits or see that I actually said “once you go black…” online.
My initial reaction was to be horrified by the idea that one of them might actually look me up (and I’m sure that at least one has). But then I remembered that I don’t work there anymore. I don’t write negative things about that organization or the people that work there. And even if I did, what are they going to do – fire me? Why would I care what they think if I don’t keep in touch with them? What kind of power do these people – or any people – have over me?
When you set up a website with your name on it (your real name), then you have to be okay with anyone reading it. I’m sure that primarily women are reading my blog – but that doesn’t mean men can’t read it too. And I can’t assume that everyone that visits my site is a friend. There are just as many new visitors each day as there are return visitors. And most of them are strangers. I’m sure some of them are men and I know some of them are perverts. And yes – a handful of them will probably be people that I used to know.
So it’s really all or nothing. If you want to put yourself out there, you have to stand behind anything you say. There is always the option of using a pseudonym, but I think even that has its complications. You can’t fear what people think about you. You have to be willing to be associated with what you write. By anyone.
I spent most of my formative years being cautious. I tended to have very close friends in whom I knew I could confide. I could be myself with them and I didn’t censor my thoughts or feelings. But to the rest of the world, I stayed neutral. I didn’t seek out the spotlight and didn’t break the rules. I actively tried to be (for lack of a better word) safe. And on the few occasions that I was forced to take a chance or try something “scary,” I found any failure or rejection devastating. I wasn’t ready to risk that. That part I knew. I knew that I couldn’t take it.
But now I can. Now I can say what I want. In the out loud voice. Online. I am not outrageous or crude – but I don’t censor myself either. I have taken a few chances (my husband is still mortified about my posts about Mormon bloggers) and I’ve even had to experience a little hate mail (regarding my SUV). But I can take it.
I don’t regret the person I used to be. But everyone can change for the better. I used to think I was nice – but now I think I was just scared. And as a result, I made myself small. The fear will never completely go away – but now I really can take it. So it feels good to try to be big. Notice I didn’t name my blog The Small Piece of Cake. I’m finally ready to take some chances in life.
And if I get hurt? I can take it. So bring it.
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! Good for you. :)
I love it Kate. I am your biggest fan. I like the fact that you have become the strong person that you are. A lot of my friends read you daily and think you are great too! Huzzah to you! You are wonderful and everybody who reads your blog can see it. I cant beleive that one of my staff brought me a published article from the newspaper I read everyday on the subway that quoted you. YOu really are something special.
Excellent and inspiring post, Kate! I’m one of those cautious semi-anonymous blogger types, so I am especially impressed with anyone who uses their full name. It doesn’t work for everyone, but I’m glad that it works for you.
I agree. Sin boldly. :)
I love it! Go Kate! You rock!
WOW!!! Good for you! Say whatever it is loud and proud. What a break through blogging has been
you go, girl! I want to be a bit more open on my blog too, but have been afraid of offending people…I will try and take your advice!!!
In our house we say, “If you’re going to play rough, you gotta be tough.”
I understand what you’re saying, and I applaud the effort it took you to say it, so please know that what comes next is me thinking aloud in response to your post (and know, too, that it relates to my unique perspective and experience).
Here’s the thing I wonder about blogging: I understand how being behind a computer makes it easier to put your big girl panties on, so to speak. I am curious about how that translates to real life. Are we more or less honest/connected/courageous/opinionated in our daily life because of blogging? And what should that relationship–between our on line and off line selves–look like?
When I was at BlogHer last month someone met me and said, “you’re so different than I thought. On your blog, you’re so spunky.” (And it’s not that I’m not spunky. I just wasn’t in the moment I met that person.)
I guess I don’t see my own blog persona as particularly spunky in the first place. It’s just that it’s easier to ascribe personalities to people you don’t know, because people, in real life, are so much more complicated.
(Sorry for the rambling comment hijack …..)
Anastasia – Since that was based on 50% of the conversations we have lately – I’m not surprised!
Chris – How many people can say that their husband (who was not initially a fan) has made two incredibly supportive comments within the two short months they’ve been writing. I love you.
Cyndy – Maybe I’m just incredibly naive… But I appreciate the support.
Melissa – I like “sin boldly” – My Catholic School background makes that sound intriguingly dangerous.
Christy – This is how you live every day of your life. I can take a few lessons from that.
Suzie – The first thing I liked about your blog is that you put it out there without any wishy washy disclaimers. Again – I’m taking notes.
3xmom – If you’re going to take my advice, then I guess I have to as well. We’ll work on that together.
Gwen – You can hijack my comments anytime. I love your writing and agree with everything you said. A year ago – my visual for people with an online community ran along the lines of very pale teenage boys in chat rooms describing themselves to hot 20-year old girls (who were actually fat 40-year old men) as popular athletes. I am trying to be consistent in my effort to live bigger. But it’s true – it’s far easier to do this behind a computer screen. I promise that if I ever meet you, I will not wonder why you don’t seem as spunky as I had expected. Or at least I’ll keep that thought to myself.
Eleanor is going to be one tough chick. As far as blogging goes, whenever you put yourself out there, people will try to put you down. But it’s worth it. Blogs are boring when the blogger plays it too safe.
That’s why I love your blog. Thanks for the reminder.=)
I am glad you can take it, because frankly, I am a wuss. Although I will talk frankly about motherhood, I tend to censor myself on other issues – like marriage, family members, and financial problem. I have no idea why I do this, but I feel a little uncomfortable sharing everything and anything.
kate – i love this post. and think the exact same thing. i use my real name (obviously) and i’ve had hate mail, and yea, it definitely bothered me but, i realized, i can’t be afraid of who i am! i mean, i guess i can, but… what’s the use?
Clearly you aren’t worried – but I think I am probably your only new reader over here at the old office :) Kelc sent me the link! I think you have a fantastic attitude and yeah for being bold and strong (and the kids are adoreable!).
xoxox Gwen
Ainsley – Your posts always make me smile. How could anyone have anything negative to say about you?? If they do – they’re just jealous.
Christy – I actually do censor SOME things. I have no desire to talk about my relationship with my husband online. Or to knowingly say things that would hurt the people I love. So I understand your feelings completely. I just mean that if I really want to say something that won’t cross any personal lines that I’ve drawn for myself…well anyone that takes issue with what I have to say can just stop reading. OR leave me a productive comment pointing out a different point of view. (that’s one of the risks I’m taking – so I’m open to that – famous last words…)
Jozette – Do you want to be my little sister? I love you to bits.
Gwen – I love the idea of you reading my blog. You were one of my favorite people back at the old office. I just looked up your Marine Corps marathon blog and I’m adding you to my “people I know and love list.” You are an inspriration AND you look amazing. I may have to do an interview with you one day…you might get more money for your fundraising. Think about it okay?
Well said! Sometimes I feel a bit censored because of my readers that know me, but I am working through that.
I love it, Kate! Love your blog…keep being yourself ;)
I admire this so much. My blog is anonymous for that reason – I’m afraid of the consequences of being myself online. I feel as though I would have to hold back or censor myself if I exposed my identity. I would worry about offending so-and-so or getting fired. I admire those who aren’t afraid to put it out there, I really do. It takes courage.
Oh, I LOVE this. You have captured exactly the way I feel too. Although I’m a little newer to the world of blogging than you are :o)