What do you mean, “who’s big idea was this?” It was my Uncle Dick’s idea. Haven’t you read my posts from Monday and Tuesday? No? Here’s a quick recap. My Uncle Dick called me while I was half naked in a Target dressing room to tell me that I should write a Dear Abby style column for children. Oh right – and we are Covenys, and think we have better ideas than anyone else. I think that sums it up pretty nicely.
To conclude this three part series, I will now attempt to execute THE IDEA. The following letter is based on the experience of my oldest son when we tried to ruin his life by bringing newborn twins into our house – allegedly to be his siblings.
Dear Mrs. Hood,
I am a one and a half year old boy living in the DC metro area. Recently, my mother disappeared for several days, and then returned with two little things that she calls babies. They do not look like babies, and I am worried that she may have suffered an injury during her absence that is making her delusional. These “babies” do not coo or giggle, they do not have chubby arms and legs to tickle, and when I do try to tickle them, they scream. Then I have to sit on the naughty step for being too rough with the “babies.” My father is no help. It seems that he has lost his mind as well. At first I thought he may just be playing along while he tried to get my mother help, but I lost hope when the neighbors started showing up to “see the new babies.” It appears that these creatures have the ability to brainwash grownups. Everyone leaves our house talking about how adorable the “babies” are. They are in fact, not adorable. They look like turtles without shells. I like turtles – but not without shells. How do I make my parents understand that they are being brainwashed by shell-less turtle creatures, and that they should return these so called “babies” to the pit of hell from whence they came?
Sincerely,
Reviled in Reston
Dear Reviled,
First, I would like to compliment you on your advanced vocabulary and writing skills. Most 18 month old children are just starting to put two to three words together, so you are an exceptionally gifted young boy. But remember – you are a young boy, and your parents have a lot more life experience. They are not delusional, and they were just as thrilled with you when they brought you home as a newborn shell-less turtle. All newborn babies are small and twins tend to be even smaller. You may not believe it now, but they will quickly grow and gain those rolls that you would like to tickle. They will also start smiling when they are about six weeks old, and this too will make them more recognizable as babies. The reason that your parents send you to the naughty step is because they have not slept since the minute they brought the twins home; and when the babies scream, it makes them want to buy wigs and fake passports and hop on the next plane to Brazil. This is not your fault, but they are not exactly reasonable at the moment. While you are awfully young for this responsibility, you will have to be patient with them and understand that it takes a while for parents to adjust to a new baby in the house. Even more so for two new babies. You will be surprised at how quickly they adapt though, and in a few months they won’t even remember a time when the babies weren’t part of the family. And by then, you will be happy to see that your twin siblings will be cooing, giggling, ticklish, chubby babies that don’t look like turtles without shells. Until then – keep your chin up and watch a lot of TV. This will make your parents very happy. Guilty – but happy.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hood
Hey! Not bad right? I will try to come up with these every once in a while. And in the meantime, feel free to send me any questions that you would like answered (either real or made up). You see – not only do I have really great ideas….I have answers for everything.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Hood
I have a family member that is always trying to get me to blog their ideas, I finally presented them with the notion of getting their own blog!
anyway, love the idea, way to go team coveny!
Its great I love it
Great idea and great execution. I say keep the feature.
I like it! Very funny. It would be super awesome if some of the letters/responses gave super-helpful advice to me- i mean, stressed out moms on how to deal with my (*ahem*) our crazy toddlers. Got any of that in the works?
That’s awesome!
Maybe you could give some advice to prepubescent girls who have evil mommies that won’t give them pedicures and highlights like their friends, like my poor best friend’s daughter….
Very Fun! I am a little afraid of what my kids would “write” about me if given a voice. “My mom started blogging and now all I ever see of her is her back.”
hilarious. unfortunately my children have reached the age where they really could write a letter to you. i’d hate to see what they would say.
This is pretty funny! I love it! It’s actually a great idea now that everyone can see how beautifully you executed it. Very entertaining.
Found you on Bloggers Annex. great blog!
Haha, I love it!!
Love it. Very well done. I’m sure my kids have some questions for you. Let me talk to them and get back to you!
I am going to think of a really great question for you to answer (from my little Izzy Whizzy Woo). It will probably involve sleeping and boobies.
Oh. Wow Kate. You have twins. Please God, tell me they’re not conjoined…
Very cute IDEA from Uncle Dick. Nice execution ;)
My kids would love some advice on how to convince me to change our one night a week dessert policy to seven nights a week. :-)