8/21/13
I know… A “They Coulda’ Been Great” post for ALL of 2012. ALLOFIT. Oh – there’s not that much of it – I was a sporadic poster that year.
I’ve had so much fun looking back at the silliness evidenced in my 2013 Facebook status updates, that I decided to stroll down memory lane in 2012 (totally worth it if you post funny stories about your kids). Anyway – I dumped it all in a Word doc and decided to post the whole damn thing here.
Yes – I posted it retroactively for December 31, 2012… But I have a thing for chronological order. If this is the first time you are seeing anything about this, my first “They Coulda’ Been Great” post was for January 2013. It explains everything. The impact of social media on blogging, writing, community… Whatever – I write some funny stuff on Facebook and then I post it all on my blog. It’s my new thing. Hope you enjoy it.
Here is 2012 (yes – all of it – allofit, even)!
February 3
7:05 p.m.
Look what just arrived! Thank you to Eleanor who took the picture and suggested a little lip gloss (though she neglected to mention a much needed push up bra…) Stephanie Dulli and I are now READY for those Listen to Your Mother DC auditions. Should we wear our new shirts? Oh – I think so…
February 4
12:00 p.m.
Eleanor just held something out for me to see, saying, “George thinks this is a tooth.” And…George is right. Half right…as it is HALF a tooth. Must be one of Oliver’s baby teeth that they all played with and LOST before it could be placed under a pillow for the Tooth Fairy. Eleanor’s reaction to this revelation: Gingerly handed it to me, and wrinkling her nose in an excellent “Mom” impersonation said, “well…I don’t think we need it anymore.”
February 16
4:55 p.m.
So….holiday binge eating lasts roughly from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day, right? Or is it St. Patrick’s Day? I can never remember…
March 19
1:50 p.m.
Great pictures from the St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the Reston Town Center! But this one reminds me of what a disaster Eleanor was last night… She was beside herself about her face paint washing off in the tub. Cried (SOBBED) for an hour straight. By the end, I was ready to take a permanent marker to her face and call it a day!
April 9
5:00 p.m.
Out of all of my annoyed demands that they just smile for the camera, already!…of course, this is the kind of picture I like best.
April 17
4:40 p.m.
First of all! That is NOT our trash can! Second of all – we NEVER play in trash cans! Life in the suburbs…
April 18
2:15 p.m.
I just spent the last hour mesmerized by the Saturday Night Fever Glee. I think I like Disco a little too much…
April 19
7:40 p.m.
I was totally congratulating myself on FINALLY having kids old enough that I don’t have to supervise them when they wake up at the crack of dawn. Then today, I noticed that Oliver has been getting into the ice cream… So much for sleeping in.
April 21
10:05 a.m.
I’m getting really excited for my 40th birthday next week since it means I will be biologically TOO OLD for teenager-like acne breakouts. Right? Right?!?!
6:50 p.m.
Eleanor lost her first tooth! This is always the most awkward shot…trying to see a gap in the BOTTOM teeth…
April 22
8:30 a.m.
This is Eleanor’s new Barbie. She’s a “horse doctor.” Like a female James Herriott…in satin hot pants.
April 24
10:35 a.m.
Filed under things that happen when 5-year-olds in hospital gowns have to wait over 30 minutes for their doctor.
11:15 a.m.
And in a shocking turn of events…We discovered that somewhere in the midst of all of the twins’ sick visits to the doctor, I forgot to schedule their 2011 well check. Mother of the year! Let’s celebrate with extra inoculations all around! I’m mortified…
April 29
4:20 p.m.
I have 3 children and the oldest just turned 7. How is it possible that today is FIRST day that I ever removed a splinter for one of them? Eleanor had one in her finger. Twenty minutes of wailing and running away from me – then a two-second removal with tweezers. With all of the screaming she did, I wonder if our neighbors thought I was removing her fingernail!
April 30
8:50 a.m.
Eleanor: Mama can I have some breakfast?
Me: Sure – what do you want?
Eleanor: I don’t know – what are the offers.
Let me check today’s circulars…
May 4
1:30 a.m.
A middle of the night thought: Is it still possible to invent a new emoticon? Or has every possible combination of symbols now been used?
Related: I hate emoticons.
Also: I now use ” :) ” regularly because I worry about people thinking I’m being serious when I’m kidding and assuming that I’m mad or just really bitchy.
Either way, I always feel like a sell out.
:)
May 5
12:45 p.m.
Know what’s awesome about my mother and mother in law? They come into my disorganized house with its layers of dust and grimy surfaces, and they don’t judge or pointedly scrub counters in front of me. The downside? No free cleaning services.
May 6
11:01 p.m.
I’m exhausted – and I can’t believe the show is over. Though I expect my friends will be thrilled to see my months of shameless self promotion come to an end… Anyway – I want to say thank you to our incandescent Director, Stephanie Dulli and our brave and beautiful Listen to Your Mother DC cast (listed below as “with” since even FB thinks my LTYM reign of terror needs to end and therefore refuses to let me tag more than a few people at a time…) Couldn’t include our first reader (and theme inspiration), Cindy Green since she has of yet to accept my friend request – humph! But seriously – I am in awe of these women and the stories they have to tell. It was an honor to share a stage with them.
11:40 p.m.
On last thing before I stagger off to bed, Stephanie’s husband Zach tweeted this picture of me at the podium during my reading. Is it me, or do I actually look like a giant Oscar award?
May 7
2:45 p.m.
Eleanor is cracking me up! A relative gave her this paper doll fashion show thing, and after spending the morning coloring them all in, she’s now stationing the dolls around the house in their “homes.” One lives on the dining room table, one on the kitchen counter, one on a living room chair…
And now apparently, ALL the dolls are abuzz with news about a fashion show taking place in HERNDON. Every time I hear her gasp, “OH! You’re going to the fashion show in Herndon too?!” I die laughing. Then one of the dolls exclaimed, “Herndon? That’s really far for me – I’ll have to drive.” So I interjected, “really? Herndon is far for her?” To this Eleanor gave me a quizzical look and said, “well yes. She lives all the way at the refrigerator.”
8:05 p.m.
Typical conversation pattern between Chris and me:
Chris: So Cathy Trocchia said she DID go to the show.
Me: Yes – she sent me a message. But I don’t know if Jamie Seifert made it.
Chris: No – Jamie didn’t go.
Me: Oh really? Why – did something come up?
Chris: [shrug – “why are you asking me insane questions” face] I don’t know.
Me: What do you mean, “I don’t know?”
Chris: [more “why the interrogation?” faces] I just don’t. WHY would I know that?
Me: Because you know that she didn’t come – which means either she or Cathy told you that she didn’t come or wasn’t going to be able to come. And women don’t just say “I’m not going” or “I didn’t go” – they give each other reasons. In my world, we tell each other “WHY” we do or don’t do things.
Chris: [“you are crazy” look]
The End
Editor’s note: This was a Mars/Venus anecdote about my incredulity over how Chris always reports “what” information and never “why.” Not about my friend Jamie who obviously had something come up yesterday. She is darling and always answers questions with WHY information, like a good female.
May 14
9:15 a.m.
So I just discovered a major perk to turning 40. I no longer agonize over what to call my mother in law’s friends in thank you notes. Paula or Mrs. Garlick? I’m freaking 40 years old – I think I can just go with Paula!
Now I’m looking forward to turning 50. Because THEN I will no longer feel required to write thank you notes.
May 17
8:00 p.m.
Typical almost-3:00 p.m. scene: I have to get to preschool pick up right now! But I can’t find my keys…where are they?…searching…searching…not in my purse…not in the kitchen…not on the bed…not in the bathroom…not in the refrigerator (yes – I’m checking everywhere)…where can they be?! Now I’m late! No more time to look…where is that spare key?…Excellent! Right where it should be. I’m not THAT late…just a few minutes. No one will even notice. Out the front door! Make sure it’s locked! Wait – what’s that? Oh. … The key.
Note to self: first place to look for my keys would be IN the front door.
Also? This happens frequently.
May 23
8:25 p.m.
I have been so much better about FB lately… But I’ve been offline for a few days due to THIS! Meet Alice – a 5 month old rescue puppy that Chris brought home while I was at Christy Wood’s wedding reception in NYC. Chris and Oliver picked her out and I have to admit – she’s perfect for our family. She doesn’t chew shoes – but keep an eye on your Hungry Hungry Hippos marbles….
May 25
8:20 p.m.
I think I may be the dumbest person on the planet. Just today, I realized that some of the AMAZING photographers I see on Twitter and FB, are capturing those images of a crystal clear face amidst a blur of people, flowers, toys…what have you, using INSTAGRAM! Side note: I just started using Instagram!
8:28 p.m.
Also, remember when I wrote I’m Shy Every Day? WELL – today was the twins’ preschool graduation and all of the kids got up and said what they wanted to be when they grew up (George said sky diver and Eleanor said horse rider). But little miss “I’m shy every day” herself made my day/week/year when she faced the crowd and answered “Rock Star.” I almost cried – it was just that AWESOME.
May 27
7:35 p.m.
Am I a bad pet owner if I find his annoying? I am so tired… I would happily lie down on the floor if I thought I could get away with it. Now that it’s 7:30 p.m., I’m pretty sure that I missed the Sunday nap window. Yet Chris always manages to catch both (yes – there are two). And this dog…she mocks my fatigue with her spontaneous snoozing.
June 2
5:00 p.m.
Eleanor: Mama – what should I draw?
Me: The sun.
Eleanor: And what?
Me: And….flowers growing.
Eleanor: OR! How about people sitting under mushrooms – GIANT mushrooms – because it’s so hot?
Why does she even ask me?
June 12
5:25 p.m.
Our boring, rainy day inside has just hit a new low. The twins are now taking turns whacking each other with a package of cookie dough (the old school roll kind).
July 8
10:55 a.m.
Between the kids and the puppy, I sometimes feel like my whole life smells like pee pee.
Unrelated: everything is always sticky.
July 9
8:10 p.m.
Me: Oliver – go downstairs and get your ice cream bowl.
Oliver: [coming back upstairs – without the bowl] Gross! Alice [the dog] was licking it!
Me: Are you serious? You have touched some of the most disgusting…YOU have touched AT LEAST five dead animals. Go get that bowl!
Epilogue: the dishwasher is running and the licked ice cream bowl is still downstairs.
July 13
4:45 p.m.
Favorite moment of the week: running down to the basement to get something and finding my tiny 5-year-old, George dancing his heart out to Just Dance II (which my kids call “Dance Party”). The song: It’s Raining Men.
5:00 p.m.
Actual conversation I just had with my five year old daughter:
[sound of kids playing a loud/rambunctious game involving stuffed animals.]
Eleanor: [enters the dining room looking very pouty and put out about something] Mommy, Oliver is only doing the other animals and he won’t do my hippo.
Me: [yelling into the other room] OLIVER! Do Eleanor’s hippo. Right now!
My life is weird.
July 14
11:45 a.m.
I love listening to Oliver’s chatter these days. The combination of his communication delays, fast growing vocabulary and exposure to television makes for many moments of hilarity.
Oliver: [telling me something about Cars 2] And then Professor Z told his fugs…
Me: Fugs?
Oliver: Yeah – fugs.
Me: What are fugs?
Oliver: [perplexed by my ignorance] They’re trouble making villains.
July 17
7:10 p.m.
When you open a bag of ramen noodles and little noodle shards fly everywhere.
July 18
11:10 a.m.
After watching many episodes of The Dog Whisperer, we’ve concluded that we really need to meet with a dog trainer to discuss Alice’s “issues.” So of course the kids keep referring to the guy coming on Saturday as “The Dog Whisperer.” Wonder how disappointed they’ll be when Cesar Millan doesn’t show up on our doorstep…
July 21
7:30 p.m.
Am I the only one who finds the FB default to “top stories” sort annoying? Who is deciding what is a top story? Is this some kind of Netflix-like, “based on your recent selections” thing? Just show me the most recent status updates so I’m not commenting on things that happened two days ago, okay? Or at least default to most recent because I’m FB-challenged and never remember to manually select that.
Guess I should check settings or something to see if I can change this.
Listed under “things I have in common with your parents.”
July 22
4:35 p.m.
My neighbor and I had a twinsies moment today when we both walked out wearing the same Target tank top. Same style – same color – probably the same size. Ah – suburbia… I would say it was all very Stepford wife – but you know…Target. Cathy – in our next life, let’s reenact that scene in something a bit more upmarket.
July 25
11:55 a.m.
So, fun drive to the twins’ first day of camp. Since parking would be feet away from check in, I went ahead and brought the dog. Halfway there, she jumped up next to me and I said, “PEE-YEW Alice. You smell like dog food.” Then George yelled, “Gross! Alice puked!” I looked back and sure enough – two huge piles – one on the back seat next to George and one of the floor. And then – THEN – she leaned over and puked on my leg.
Seriously. HOW do people live without pets.
August 1
2:30 p.m.
I had no idea that black and white hides wrinkles so well. I’ll never go back to color!
August 9
8:45 p.m.
I see Oliver taking chalk down to the basement. And I ask “what are you doing with the chalk.” He says “I’m going to draw a picture,” as he scampers out of sight. Then I frantically yell after him, “on the chalkboard? ON THE CHALKBOARD?!”
It’s a legitimate question…
August 16
5:50 p.m.
So Alice is a total money pit… I feel like I’m at the vet with her weekly. Today’s reason: tail biting. Seriously? Here is a pic of her cone head. A dog rite of passage she’s not enjoying one little bit.
August 22
8:00 p.m.
Eleanor REALLY doesn’t like the movie Spy Kids. Her (dramatic) review: “It’s like a kid horror movie…it’s really scary…and pretty cruel.” I remember seeing previews…and that was not my take…but I guess we’re all entitled to our opinions.
August 24
5:50 p.m.
The twins had afternoon camp this week, so Oliver had me all to himself. Since this NEVER happens (he’s always getting pushed aside with all of their grabby neediness), I thought I’d do something fun with him every day. We went to the farm, the zoo…miniature golf…a WATER PARK. But here’s the problem: I’m intrinsically not very fun. And I would never choose to do any of those things without the incentive of making my son happy. It was taxing…but boy does he look happy, right?
August 31
9:30 a.m.
Woods walk feather
September 5
6:55 p.m.
George: The inside of my body is very hot, right?
Me: Yes, it’s warm inside our bodies.
George: But the outside of our bodies is very COLD!
Me: No…not cold. The outside of our bodies would be cooler than the inside though.
George: OH! so only when it’s WINDY.
Me: …
[five minutes later]
George: [holds up an arm] Mom – I’m not skinny anymore!
Me: Well…you’re still pretty slim…
George: So just a little skinny.
Me: Just a little.
George: But Eleanor isn’t as skinny.
Me: She’s just a little skinny too.
George: Mom – do you know what your boobs are for?
Me: WHAT?!
George: Do you know what your…
Me: Yes – I heard you the first time. And I’m dying to know – what do YOU think they are for?
George: For breathing!
Of course.
This is George’s idea of pleasant dinner conversation. What did you discuss this evening?
September 13
3:00 p.m.
Just remembered something I meant to tell you yesterday… I was driving home from the store with the windows down since it was GORGEOUS outside. And as I’m driving 50 MPH down a fairly busy street something fell through the window and into my lap. My first thought was that it was an acorn since the local squirrels like to throw them down at people (why not cars?) But I wasn’t near any trees. So I then assumed it must have been some kind of debris blowing back off a truck that had just passed me. Either way – it had fallen right between my legs and rolled down, almost under me. I then had to reach, well…you know where, to try to retrieve this mystery object while keeping my eyes on the road. And as I brought it up in my cupped hand to take a look, I discovered that it was a GIANT BUMBLEBEE. So I screamed, threw it out the window and indulged in a moment of silent gratitude for not getting into an accident.
So how about you? How was your day?
September 19
9:05 p.m.
My son, Oliver is so weird…
September 26
7:25 a.m.
An important reminder for my little girl who likes lunch notes and has so little confidence sometimes…
7:50 a.m.
Are ladybugs lucky? And if so, does the luck increase with the number of spots? Let me know, because a ladybug with 20 spots is sitting on a kid-made vase on my bedside table. And I could really use some luck…
October 7
2:55 p.m.
Group Effort
October 24
9:15 p.m.
It’s the World Series and my poor husband is stuck watching it with ME. My level of interest is reflected by insights such as “that guy looks like Luke Wilson.” [Justin Verlander] I’ve also spotted players who remind me of Justin Timberlake and Antonio Banderas. Epilogue: I brought a book.
November 11
6:00 p.m.
Hierarchy
November 7
10:25 a.m.
Post election morning banter at my house:
Me: George – get dressed. You have to wear pants to Kindergarten.
George: [slamming his tiny body into my legs for the 10th time in 10 seconds] I put my penis on you!
Me: Don’t put your penis on people. It’s not polite.
George: AND it’s no use.
Me: Usually.
November 13
5:20 p.m.
George: Mom – your self can control yourself, right?
Me: One would hope.
November 14
7:50 a.m.
Sometimes when I find myself battling the dog for bed space, I have to wonder how it came to this…
November 19
6:50 p.m.
Listening to Kung Fu Fighting, Car Wash, Fire, Flashlight… I have to say, that Pure Funk CD may have been my very best purchase of the ’90s
November 22
8:35 p.m.
Hand turkeys waving goodbye. See you next Thanksgiving!
November 28
2:35 p.m.
What was life like before chocolate chips…? Leaner I think – but perhaps a bit soulless…
December 1
2:00 p.m.
Started a shopping list and had to stop when I suspected that I may currently be possessed by Buddy the Elf.
December 2
11:50 p.m.
Is it just me – or do other people say “Pierce Brosnan” when they really mean “Bronson Pinchot”? Maybe it’s just me…
December 6
9:30 a.m.
Exciting morning! We were running late for the school bus – so I decided to drive the kids to school. George was ready first, so I told him to just get in the car. When the rest of us left the house several minutes later – he was nowhere to be found. Eleanor ran up to the bus stop to check and see if he was there (it’s happened before). Not there. Not in front of the house – not behind the house – not IN the house. Now I’m worried and drive the others (and the dog) up to the bus stop to look around there. Not there. Leave all in the locked car while I run back toward our house and call the school. They put me on hold to look for George and I continue to call his name, wondering if a neighbor could have thought he was left behind and taken him to school. Then a neighbor hears me and tells me that he GOT ON THE BUS (which must have been running late). Ran back to car to console crying siblings and drive them to school, where I stayed for a while to have a talk with Mr. George. Side note: this is about the 10th time I’ve spent more than 5 minutes running around my neighborhood calling frantically for one of my lost little boys. Epilogue: I am at Starbucks ordering coffee.
December 8
1:00 p.m.
George: Mom, remember a long, long time ago…we were demons.
Me: What?
George: No, I mean we were those guys from a long, long time ago and then we turned into Pilgrims.
Me: We did?
George: Yeah and then we turned into animals and then we turned into this place.
Me: What’s that?
George: Well, first we were in a tummy and then we got bigger and then we were two years old and then older and older and nine years old…
Me: So wait, first we were demons?
George: And you know what’s even badder than the devil?
Me: What?
George: DEMONS! Because they are huge.
I’m totally lost.
December 10
12:40 p.m.
Working on a database. Forgot how entertaining long lists of names can be. “Sarah Fawcett.” Subtle – but still cracks me up.
December 11
7:05 p.m.
I have now clocked enough hours in proximity of children’s shows on the TV that I can hear a character’s voice in an unknown cartoon and say, “hey that sounds like Quincy [Little Einsteins].” This is not the first time I’ve identified cartoon voice overs. If there was a game show for this I’d win big.
December 15
10:35 a.m.
It’s hard to not feel sad today… But I try to remind myself that everything is fine until it’s not. And when everything in your own life is fine, you have to go with it. Because when it’s not, you never really get fine back.
As much as my heart breaks for everyone who has ever lost a child, today I’m going to put all of my energy into making sure my own children who are so very HERE right now, know just how much they are loved. I’ll feel sad on my time – not theirs.
December 16
3:55 p.m.
Decided to take the dog out for a long walk. But only just now, one mile out did I remember letting Eleanor put makeup on me. Like an hour ago. And I should note that she’s not a light touch with the eye shadow…
December 17
6:05 p.m.
After a visit to the dentist…
Eleanor: Mom – look at my new toothbrush!
Me: Very nice. Why don’t you put it in the bathroom – we can get rid of your old one.
Eleanor: [back from the bathroom and showing me her old toothbrush] What should we do with it?
Me: Throw it out.
Eleanor: Gasp! Throw it out?? Why don’t we just sell it or something?
I don’t know…what do you guys think? Ebay or Craig’s List?
9:25 p.m.
By the way – if you have an Elf on the Shelf and hear the cynical observation: “he can’t be real – he has a TAG…like toys in the toy store.” Give your kids a conspiratorial look and say, “he’s in disguise. The tag is part of the whole ‘toy by day’ thing.” Makes your kids think they’re in on the subterfuge.
December 19
4:40 p.m.
Now THAT’S an old recipe!
7:00 p.m.
George: Mom! Overblah in French means “bye!” Always fermember it!
Not sure how much of that is misunderstanding French or how much is misunderstanding English….
7:40 p.m.
Chris was explaining Hanukah to George, who is now talking about the big battle between the Cereals and the Macabeans.
December 21
3:40 p.m.
Yesterday, I discovered that my kids were wrapping random objects from our house as presents for their grandparents. As much as I know my mother would love her roll of silver wire ribbon from Michael’s…I had to shut that down before they got into the good china.
December 27
4:40 p.m.
PSA for future parents: As you are considering the number of children you hope to have in your family, figure in the number of shoes and coats you would like to have strewn across your floor at any given time. (Note to the ladies: include your husband’s coat and shoes in your calculations.)
