Category Archives: Big Piece of Cake

Sorry Pixar – You Can’t Make this Cute.

It was a beautiful early autumn day in our suburban corner of the Northern Virginia woods. And instead of spending the afternoon at the playground with my children, I sat on our back deck sterilizing vacuum cleaners.

Now, I’ve always made an effort to keep my vacuum cleaners in good condition since I finally figured out that they don’t work if the hoses are clogged with debris. But I’ve never pulled out actual cleaning products for the task before.

This time? It was necessary.

Maybe I should back up a bit. Because there’s a string of events that brought me this state of affairs.

When I said that we live in the Northern Virginia woods, I wasn’t kidding. Our particular suburb was built with a mid-century aesthetic for merging community and nature. Before the ’80s bulldozers started clearing hundreds of thousands of acres to build shiny new developments dotted with far more conveniently placed saplings, tree hugging builders planned our neighborhoods with their miles of walking trails through towering trees.

Having grown up in the city, I never really cultivated an appreciation for the great outdoors. But my financially driven exile to the burbs has forced me to admit that I live in a super pretty place.

It takes me minutes to drive to great shopping and fine dining, but it only takes seconds to step into sun dappled paths under canopies of green or – depending on the season – gold. I walked off all of my baby weight after the twins were born, pushing our double stroller up and down the hills of those paths. And as I breathed in the fresh air of my early morning jaunts, I knew that I had taken just one more step away from being “a city person.”

So I do like it here. I’m not saying that I’d never move back into DC… But for now, this suits us. And the lovely surroundings play a significant role in that for me.

Unfortunately – living in the super pretty woods has its price. And that would be bugs.

When we lived in the city, we battled cockroaches and ants. But out here in the wild west of DC area insects, there are far more “critters” with which to contend. The mosquitoes are fierce, all breeds of beetles and water bugs find their way into our homes, and the ants are literally unstoppable. Even with all the exterminators, traps and sprays, they still make their seasonal appearance like clockwork (“Thank you ladies and gentlemen! We’ll be here all summer.”)

Bugs are old hat to me now. I kill them when I can and ignore them when I can’t. And I leave the spiders alone since I like to think they help my cause (which is making the flying things disappear).

As a quick aside, I have to admit that for all of my aversion to things that “skitter,” the garden variety house spider doesn’t bother me. I think this has something to do with Charlotte’s Web. Not that I expect them to call out a cheery “Salutations!” to me or to spin self affirming messages through webs or anything… But for me, the beloved children’s book character has given an otherwise scary little creature the semblance of gentle benevolence.

But back to the nasty bugs that plague my very existence…they’re driving me nuts. I know it’s just a warm weather thing, and that the cooling temperatures then further encourage them to emigrate from their outdoor homes into our better insulated ones. But nonetheless, it’s annoying.

This year has been different though. A new player has entered the scene. For the past week or two, I’ve noticed little gnat-like bugs that seem to appear whenever food and drink are present. There aren’t many of them, but even the few that flit about make me swat and swear at them like the mosquitoes that previously held their place of loathing in my heart.

I really hate them. They surprise me when I turn on the lights in the kitchen – sometimes in a creepy way that all too often makes me I feel like I’m wandering through a scene from True Blood or The Believers. Like if I decided to climb up into our crawl space I’d find a candle lit alter of chicken bones and human hair.

I told Chris that I didn’t think these little fruit fly-like things were normal, even for our woodsy location. But he seemed to find my rantings about feeling like I’m living in a third world village to be extreme – which made any stray ideas about exorcists or voodoo witch doctors seem a bit over the top.

He didn’t even think that an exterminator was necessary. Something about pouring bleach down the drains first…I don’t know. He said he thought we could fix it. Because, you know – we’re SO handy around the house.

So I let it go. And I battled the bugs on my own time in my own flailing way. But then I found the source.

That happened today. It was quite possibly one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever witnessed in my own home. And I once had three children potty training at the same time, so that’s saying a lot.

When Oliver arrived home from school today, the twins were still napping and I thought, GREAT – a rare opportunity to give my undivided attention to the oldest and currently “easiest” child. When his siblings are awake and whining, he often wanders off to do his own thing and there will be long stretches of time where I’m not entirely sure where he is. Sometimes he’s in another room destroying something or unrolling every roll of toilet paper in the house…but usually, he’s being a lamb and quietly playing with Thomas trains. So of course I was happy to have a little time to focus on him.

But when we sat down on the basement rug, I noticed some crumbs from someone’s granola bar and a number of ants surrounding them (nothing unusual – I did mention the ants didn’t I?) So I said, “ew, gross -let’s clean this up. I’ll get the vacuum.”

I actually have two vacuums, but one was in a storage space on that floor, so that’s the one I grabbed. Up until a few days before, that same vacuum had been sitting in the room adjacent to our kitchen on the first floor. I used it daily to clean the area around the kids’ table, but at some point I must have moved it downstairs.

Just like any other day, I unlocked the hose so I could snap on the brush attachment. But unlike any other day, the end of the hose was not the only thing to emerge. I stood there in open mouthed horror as I watched tiny bugs crawl, fly…SWARM out of my vacuum cleaner.

This is where my talent for dissociation comes in very handy. I’m awesome in emergency situations – I literally shut down all emotions. Sure, on the fringes I’m screaming and tearing my hair out in clumps, but you’d never know it. I stay calm, assess the situation and take practical measures to problem solve. In short, I psychologically flee, leaving my intellect to clean up the mess.

In this case, I was so repulsed that I did spit out a mantra of “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” as I dragged the vacuum cleaner outside. Because it was just that bad. If I thought the few mini flies buzzing around at all times flashed shades of bayou voodoo, the writhing infestation that had been hatching in my vacuum cleaner, IN MY HOUSE for who knows how long was like something straight out of The Omen.

Luckily, the bugs were small, so Oliver, distracted by TV couldn’t see what I was freaking out about outside the window. He only caught glimpses of me running in and out of the house with bottles of ammonia. He heard my shuddering gasps while I power sprayed the bag-less vacuum parts with the garden hose and saw all of the eggs clinging to the cylinder walls. There may have been tears – but I hid them from my unsuspecting boy.

Just to be on the safe side, I also disassembled the second vacuum and fumigated that one as well.

You may be wondering why I didn’t just throw away the first vacuum (which we will hereafter refer to as “the host“). And ten years ago, I absolutely would! But I’m older and poorer now, and I’ve tinkered enough with the damn machine to feel fairly confident in my total hive annihilation.

Where do we go from here? Chris thinks we should give it a few days and look into some over the counter (or whatever you call the non-professional stuff) products.

Where did they come from to begin with? I have NO idea. Maybe something flew in from outside and decided to nest in my vacuum cleaner. Maybe I vacuumed up something that was the source. Or maybe it was something completely unrelated to the beautiful nature in our backyard.

Sometimes you’re practical and drag your vacuum cleaner outside with a bottle of ammonia. And sometimes you look for far more sinister agents in the world. Sometimes you think that you have a freak infestation of indigenous bugs. And sometimes you know it’s something less random – something tied up with karma, fate, revenge…

In the end, my practicality wins out and I assume it’s just another “living in the woods” thing. But my years of TV and movie viewing has instilled just a little suspension of disbelief. In the light of day, I think I need to do a better job monitoring the tiny creatures that wander into my house. But now and again, a small superstitious part of me wonders if we just “got da bad juju…”

Raisin’ ‘Em Right!

I have been SO busy with life lately. I mean, now that my twins go to preschool three mornings a week I have a whole 7.5 hours of alone time to devote to examining my new wrinkles, making myself snacks and reading Project Runway recaps online.

All of this distracted meandering around my house is exhausting! I have very little inclination to do anything productive like writing blog posts or cleaning or giving myself that much needed pedicure. I’m simply too worn out from the lassitude of loose endedness.

But my children make up for my cuticle picking torpor by achieving new personal bests on a daily basis. The most remarkable of these was a tandem effort by my sons, Oliver and George to start the school year off with a literal “pow” by hitting people. And it gets better! The incidents occurred within a week of each other and both of the targets were GIRLS. I’m just bursting with pride…


I already mentioned Oliver’s outburst in a previous post. He hit his teacher the other week. As a special needs kid, Oliver has some little quirks that could be explained as “self soothing,” and when they don’t disrupt the classroom, they are allowed. One of these is “self talk” or the tendency to keep up a stream of semi-intelligible chit chat with oneself while performing tasks or playing. Sometimes it’s scripting from favorite TV shows and DVDs and sometimes it’s something else, but from what his special ed teachers and therapists have told me, it’s not a problem and they don’t see the need to interfere with it. Unless of course, he really has to be silent. Which is the case for certain “zones” in the school hallways. Apparently he was chatting away in one of these zones and when his teacher tried to end it, she inadvertently opened a can of whup-ass. Or more specifically, he got upset and struck out at her (connecting with her face).

Super.

It’s all okay though. His special ed case manager was called and she talked to him about how his reaction wasn’t “a good choice” and what better choices he could have made (here is where I’m madly taking notes on how I should be handling things with him at home). Then he had a little time out before going back to join his friends. They weren’t too worried about it overall since Oliver is rarely violent and seemed very upset about what he did (and his teacher said he’s still apologizing to her, so maybe the lesson will stick?). Anyway…BYGONES!

Then, there’s George. That’s become almost a catchphrase of mine of late, “then, there’s George…”

My very intense younger son has embraced preschool with his usual unmitigated enthusiasm, and from what I could tell was seamlessly assimilating to this new environment. Then came the check in call (that all of the parents got) on Friday, reporting on the twins’ first couple of weeks. It was all rainbows and unicorns until a final caveat that there was just one incident in which a few days prior, George had a fight with another student. The teacher claimed not to have seen what happened, but that he and the LITTLE GIRL (note to self: must augment his school wardrobe with some new wife beater tank tops) were “really going at it.” I believe she even used the word, “fisticuffs.” Nice. But the good news is that the little girl’s mother was there and could comfort her while the teacher focused on talking to George. So that was great…

The truth is, George’s teacher didn’t seem overly concerned about it and just wanted to let me know in case he brought it up (yeah right!). Knowing my son as well as I do, I pretty much assumed that he was the instigator. Not that he starts a lot of fights, but we’ll chalk it up to mother’s intuition. So I wasn’t in the least bit surprised when I asked him why he and his friend had a fight and his answer was “‘Ecause she wouldn’t make room.” So basically, he wanted her to scoot over so he could sit down, and when she wouldn’t (or couldn’t), he decided to forcibly move her. Then the “fisticuffs” ensued.

I was able to apologize to the other mom, and I think that there are no hard feelings. But seriously – what is wrong with my boys!? We don’t encourage physical violence at home. I’m just going to assume that they’re busting out the inevitable bad behavior as early as possible instead of waiting until later in the school year (my little over achievers!). At least I won’t be lulled into a false sense of confidence.

But now I have a little free time, so I’m going to be Scarlett O’Hara and leave those pesky worries for another day called “tomorrow.” I can’t sit around thinking about parenting strategies right now. I’m fairly certain that I have some old chocolate chips in the back of the freezer and I simply must check the TV listings for this evening. Hope I’m not forgetting anything unimportant…

A lazy woman’s work is never done…literally.

Old is the New Fat

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent most of my life obsessing over my size. Which is kind of ridiculous since I’ve always been rather medium about everything. Medium height, weight, hair color, popularity level, dance floor talent, parking mojo… I’m actually very average. So really – why all the worries about “looking fat?”

Well – I think it was because EVERYONE worries about looking fat. It’s just something women do. Except for the skinny ones I mean – who I guess worry about being skinny when they’re not busy eating double hot fudge sundaes in front of the rest of us. Bitches.

Seriously though, if I calculated the amount of time and money I put into working on my weight – gym memberships, exercise videos, personal trainers, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, diet foods – and the constant discussions about losing weight, exercise plans and laments over things that I literally cannot change (I’m looking at you hereditary knee pudge!), it would have to be… Well, I’m not much good at math, so let’s just say it would be A LOT of time and money.

What would I have done with all of it? I’m guessing I could have single handedly adopted a Third World village. All of that fat talk may have stood between me and a Pulitzer prize! Or at the very least a wildly popular QVC line of conversation piece jewelry. Who knows? I certainly never will since I was too busy feeling fat to do anything else.

But I’m over that now. No more fat talk. If my pants feel tight, I’ll just make a few lifestyle changes or buy new pants. As long as I’m still my healthy medium size, it just doesn’t warrant the mind space. I’m finished with feeling fat.

Now I’m all about feeling OLD.

Because that is a far more worthy focus for my mania. Have you seen my crows’ feet? I sprout two or three new laugh lines every day! And I can even blame some of that on the fat obsession since you know, being tan makes you look thinner. Why didn’t I take SPF more seriously? Mom told me that too much sun would give me wrinkles…

But I never used to worry about wrinkles because by the time I got them I’d be OLD!

Well, now that I’m “old” I do care. And since I wasted my youth on feeling fat, I missed the boat on the whole Pulitzer Prize/QVC opportunity. So now I’m fully committed to wasting as much time as possible obsessing over looking old.

I’ve written before about my skincare routine. It seems to be going well…but I have of yet to find anything that I’d call the fountain of youth. I just do what the experts (multi-zillionaire celebrities endorsing the products) say and hope for the best. I mean, I have a lot of time to make up here. I’m already 38 and I didn’t even know about eye cream until a few years ago.

A new source of concern for me is the décolleté area. Did you know that Cindy Crawford says damage to décolleté skin can never be repaired by surgery? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve purposely sunburned that area in an attempt to get an early summer “base?”

I’m so screwed…

And to make matters worse, I have even more unexpected age-related issues to contend with. Apparently having three babies in 18 months in my early thirties wasn’t so great for my vascular system. As a result, I’m now showing early signs of varicose veins. Like those things that the grandmas at the pool have all over their thighs and calves? Someone grab the smelling salts – I’m about to pass out from the horror of it all. Now, those CAN be repaired with surgery. If you have thousands of extra dollars lying around that is. Kids – say goodbye to the college fund. Mama needs a new pair of legs.

I’ve never actually felt old before. I can easily find common interests with younger people. And even if they do throw retro parties featuring styles made popular the year I could legally get into bars, they don’t seem to find me boring. Though that may have something to do with my conversation choices…like that time I told a 17 year old lifeguard all about my c-section (21 years later and I STILL don’t know how to talk to teenage boys…)

Bottom line – up until now, I’ve been in serious denial about my age.

But if anything put the final nail in the proverbial coffin, it would be a recent conversation I had with my friend Lacey (a pseudonym for protection against any bodily harm she may inflict on me for putting this on my blog). She was complaining about upper arm flab which automatically made me feel privileged and smug since that is ONE part of my body that has never given me a moment’s worry. I may have inherited Italian peasant legs, but my long slim arms have been rocking sleeveless styles since I first layered neon tank tops in the ’80s.

What I didn’t initially understand was that Lacey wasn’t talking about fat – she was talking about the “loose skin” that develops on your arms as you get older. She said that when she holds out her arms and shakes them, the loose skin flaps back and forth. This description conjured up scenes of a Silver Sneaker exercise class I’ve observed at the YMCA. Then suddenly, those imaginary Golden Girls turned on me. The sassy old ladies in jazzercize outfits waving their arms to Party in the USA morphed into Hell’s minions mockingly shaking their loose skin at me in cackling glee…You thought you were better – firmer – but it all turns to arm flab in the end! You can run, but you can’t hide…

I was appalled. Aside from the fact that the term “loose skin” makes me feel like fainting again, it really never occurred to me that I should be monitoring this. And sure enough, when I gave my my extended arms a tentative shake, there were definite signs of flapping. I guess it’s all downhill from here.

The good news is that while I wasted approximately 30 years on fighting fat, I’ll probably only spend 20 on battling old age. I do learn from my mistakes you know. And I’m about five years in – so only 15 more to go. Then what? Ten years of obsessing over something else…then five… Then maybe I’ll finally give in to the inevitable and just embrace all of it and myself in the process?

I have no way of predicting this. Only time will tell. But there is one thing that I can say with complete certainty. Mother nature is a cruel bitch.

Ten Years Ago Today…

…I was getting my hair done and obsessing over clouds.

I was trying not to let a smudged nail ruin my day and wondering whether it was really necessary to eat one of the sandwiches that people kept pushing at me.

I was assuming that Chris’ father would make sure that he did not show up with the outrageous amount of hair product that he unwittingly applied to his head the night prior.

I was talking to friends, family, photographers, florists, banquet staff, people, people, peoplepeoplepeople who kept dropping by my suite to check in, say hello, hug, kiss, request, inform, instruct – all about details that left my memory minutes after they occurred.

I was putting on a white dress and feeling like a bit of a princess – in that make believe-is-this-really-happening? kind of way.

I was trying to summon vast quantities of bubbly enthusiasm that I had never managed to hold onto for more than two minutes in my entire life.

I was walking down a terrace aisle (under an only slightly cloudy sky) smiling at people who had known and loved me anywhere from a few years to my whole life.

And I was marrying the man with whom I would spend the next ten years.

Before getting married, we made many plans. Some happened and some didn’t. We talked about having children – just not so late and so many and all at once. We knew what kind of life we wanted and what kind of parents we wanted to be. And all in all, I think we’ve done pretty well.

People tell you marriage is hard work. But you never know exactly what that means until you’ve done it. And it’s only when you’ve made a dent (like ten years?) that you can look back and realize that life is hard and having someone to help you though it is what marriage is really about. Not beautiful wedding albums and vacuum sealed white gowns. Not vague memories of an event – but solid experience in learning how to share your life.

Lately, I’ve often found myself saying “I just want to be happy – I want a peaceful life.” How boring this would have sounded to me ten years ago. But at some point, you realize that you never have to worry about life being interesting. Sometimes it can be just a little too interesting… Having someone to help suffer through the bad and appreciate the good gives you a constant – a safe port. It can save you over and over again.

I consider myself to be very lucky to have that. To have someone like Chris to share my life. And we’ve now been together ten years.

Ten years, and I still love him. And I still ask myself questions like…

Why so many razors??


That’s the other thing that marriage is about – maintaining a good sense of humor and seizing every opportunity to use it at your partner’s expense. (For more of that kind of thing, click HERE.)

First Day of Preschool (Alternatively Titled: How Many Mediocre Pictures Can I Cram into One Post?)

Oliver wasn’t the only one who had a first day of school. Today, the twins had their very first day of preschool!

I wanted to take a picture of all three kids on our front steps, but Eleanor had just had a wardrobe crisis and was still reeling from the stress of it all. She refused to sit with her brothers.




Yeah – so they weren’t all that cooperative either.

Then I decided to try again after parking next to Oliver’s school. First, just of Eleanor since she was striking a pose. But George kept jumping in front of her.



Then I found some good lighting and lined them up, all the while, spewing empty promises of candy and special treats for good behavior…









That was the best I could get out of them. And at this point of reviewing my shots, I realized that there must be a smudge on the lens. Luckily it’s just in the lower corner. Note to self: don’t let George play with the camera anymore. Especially since it results in hundreds of images that look like this:


We were a bit early for preschool arrival, so thought I’d try for a nice first day of school shot of the twins…


I want to kill whoever taught George that Home Alone pose…










Again – this was about as good as it got. Striking “Crew Cuts models” off the list of ways the kids can make money for their college funds.

At any rate – they had a very successful first day and barely looked at me when I left them. We went out for pizza and ice cream to celebrate.




And just when I was starting to feel all smug about what great scholars my children are turning out to be, I spent an hour yelling at the twins to get back into bed and GO TO SLEEP! AND had a super fun phone call from Oliver’s school about how he hit his teacher. Sigh…oh well – one day at a time I guess.

First Week of School

After all of those posts about Oliver, I thought I’d better write an update on his first week of Kindergarten.

This is how he felt about that first morning:


And this is how I find him every day when school lets out:


I have to say – for all of the worrying we do about Oliver and transitions, he is kind of a superstar. It’s always hard for him at first, but he assimilates so quickly. And in a highly structured environment where he knows what to expect, he thrives (i.e. school is better for him than hanging around with his disorganized mother all summer).

He was very comical that first day. I didn’t say much about going to school for fear of starting the avalanche of anxiety, and I didn’t even try the bus that morning since I knew the chaos and waiting around was just a recipe for disaster. Instead, Chris went to work late so we could drive him over and take him in ourselves. The one block walk from the car to the school felt like death row. He was mildly resistant, but ultimately resigned. I half expected the other children we passed to start clanging metal mugs against bars to the cry of “dead man walking!” He kept a running stream of quiet comments going: “No school today…no Kindergarten…no thank you…let’s go home now…” But he was just going through the motions. He saw the writing on the wall.

We had visited his classroom the week prior (which was fairly successful as far as my very low expectations were concerned – he didn’t get upset but stayed in the doorway for the duration). So he knew exactly where we were going and just walked in without any drama. After a quick hello to his teacher, that would have been our cue to make a fast exit, but OH NO…Dad had to make a special goodbye splash: “Okay buddy – have a GREAT day! I’ll see you when I get back from work tonight. Have fun today!” Then Oliver’s stoic front crumbled and he dissolved into tears. Nice work Chris. Rookie…

But of course, after a little attention, he was just fine and really did have a GREAT day. By morning #3, he was asking “can I go to school now?” So I think we’re in the clear. Yeah – he still likes school! Now we just have to worry about his academic performance and ability to make friends. Sigh… Baby steps I guess.

In the midst of all of this new Kindergartner hoopla, I also had to make two more trips out to Bethesda (during rush hour traffic) for Oliver’s last two sessions of auditory processing therapy (which has been fairly magical for us), go to a couple of orientation events for the twins’ preschool (which starts on Wednesday) AND do a home visit with the preschool teacher. Of course I completely forgot about the home visit and was totally unprepared when she arrived on my doorstep. The good news is that I had recently cleaned the house so she didn’t walk into the usual scene of chaos and squalor. The bad news is that I had JUST sent the twins downstairs to watch a movie while I did a little work and Eleanor was in her underwear. I’m all about the good first impression.

That same day, Oliver took the bus home (which he will do Monday-Thursday every week – Fridays I’ll pick him up to go to a play therapy appointment). He was HIGH-LARIOUS and was so excited to race off the bus to see us that he forgot his backpack. A nice older student brought it out to us though – so no chasing after the bus for me (like I would ever do that! I’d send him to school with a paper Trader Joe’s bag before I suffered that humiliation).

We did encounter a little mishap on Friday when I forgot to mention to his teacher that he wouldn’t have the Friday therapy appointment that particular week and should just take the bus. After watching every child in the neighborhood scamper down the bus stairs, I realized my error. Luckily, I have very “takes a village” neighbors, so I told my friend Diane to watch the twins and ran for my car. Since the school is approximately 45 seconds away this wasn’t THAT big of a deal, and the teacher seemed to believe me when I said that I’m really not a neglectful parent… We’ll just hope that all of the low bar setting I’m doing will serve me well in the long run.

Saturday we went to a Catholic U. football game, and Oliver loved it. We only stayed for an hour of course due to limited attention spans (and I’m not just talking about the kids), but we took a couple of cute pictures.



Nothing to report on Sunday which was pretty quiet and housebound due to inclement weather. But lazy days have their charm as well. At least for lazy people. Which we are. Lazy, I mean.

Coming up this week: The twins’ first day of preschool and MY first day of working at the preschool (it’s a co-op). Wish us all luck!

Broken English (Alternatively Titled: Fixing Oliver)*


When our children are first starting to put sentences together and use multi-syllabic words, we are gifted with hours of amusement and endless family anecdotes. My three olds make up words and butcher syntax like any other kids their age, and of course we think it’s all hilarious.

Within the past hour, George asked me if a knife was “only for peoples” (his way of saying grownups), and after ranting at me about something, claimed that he didn’t scream, he just “yellowed.” Eleanor doesn’t just wear dresses – she wears “ballerinas.” And for a long time, she would announce in her best ring master voice, “ladies and Jaqueline!” Sorry Jaquelines of the world, but I think my daughter just called you a ho.

From George’s vehement, “YES I are!” retorts to Eleanor’s newest addition to the dictionary: “lasterday,” we revel in their audacity – their uninhibited assault on the English language. And we never tire of recounting these stories to both doting grandparents and graciously indulgent friends alike.

She is something else…

He is quite a character…

But I’ve realized that we don’t tell as many dialogue-related stories about my oldest son. And this isn’t surprising since his delays have made him much slower to experiment with language.

Where the twins, like other children, fling new words like confetti, five year old Oliver holds them close, tucks them into pockets and puzzles over them like foreign currency. The concept of language is understood, but the values attributed to the various elements still elude him.

Of course, he has made us laugh over the years with his own grammatical missteps and mispronunciations. In fact he charmed me just the other day by telling me that I “misappeared.” But these moments have been fewer, farther between and always overshadowed by the worry over what the future may hold.

I’ve been thinking about that more and more as I see the unbalanced ratio of blog posts dedicated to the funny things my children say. Oliver is not very well represented – and that makes me sad.

Because he is just as much of a delight to me as my twins. But who would know it?

I guess we just assume that others won’t appreciate these stories as much as we do. They don’t know how hard he works for what comes so easily to other kids. His funny stories would be more common to children two years younger and don’t seem quite as cute in the context of a boy his age. For those of us who know him well and love him just the way he is, there is no difference. We laugh and beam with pride and find him just as entertaining as his siblings. It’s like an inside joke that only we understand. So why bother?

But that’s not fair to him at all. Especially since there actually are other perspectives or contexts in which anyone can appreciate anecdotes about Oliver.

For a long time, I’ve likened his more unusual social anxieties and his tendency to disengage at times to that of a tourist who doesn’t speak the local language. Or at least not well – possibly due to dialect. He may understand a little of what is said, but the nuances might give him the slip. He doesn’t feel safe much of the time. He doesn’t know what people want of him and what their intentions are. New people could seem nice but really have nefarious plans for him (hello, good natured lab technician who performs pediatric blood tests!) So often, when he feels unsure of himself or the situation he’s encountered, he’ll wander off – withdraw into his imagination.

I’ve frequently remarked that it sounds like he’s speaking second language – like he’s a tourist or recent arrival here. His conversations are more stilted and formal. There are more pauses and confused expressions. And much like an Ellis Island alum, he communicates through rather imperfect English. It’s not baby talk and his diction is quite good, but he mixes up his prepositions and tenses like an immigrant mixes his metaphors.

Just today at the pool when the the lifeguard called “Break!” he looked at me and said, “time to get out Mom, the pool is breaking.”

I imagine Cousin Larry Appleton and I could share many a laugh over these little gems. It’s funny! It’s adorable. And it’s worth documenting and remembering.

He’s something else.

He’s quite a character.

Now don’t get me wrong. We are doing everything we can to help him improve his communication skills so he’ll eventually catch up with his peers and engage in more intuitive, spontaneous conversation. And he’s making some amazing progress with both existing and new therapies this summer. But we’re certainly not in a holding pattern, waiting for the results.

We enjoy every day with Oliver. We think he’s spectacular. We couldn’t imagine life without him. Exactly the way he is.

“The way he is” has changed quite a bit over the past year and continues to do so at a rate that even I – the eternal optimist when it comes to Oliver’s potential – wouldn’t have dreamed possible. And just like a parent does with a typically developing child, I’m simultaneously thrilled and grieved by his advances. Probably a bit less of the latter since these changes are triumphs that can’t be taken for granted. But what can I say? I’m a mother. I miss my babies as much as I admire the people they are becoming.

Because we really do focus so much on helping Oliver gain skills, this is a common topic of conversation with people close to our family. And in that conversation, people sometimes say rather thoughtless things.

I typically try to hear these things as they are intended and don’t take offense – but I have to admit to one exception. On several occasions, different people have made a reference to “fixing Oliver.” As in, “once we get him fixed…“

I KNOW that this isn’t supposed to be degrading to my son as a person, but I can’t help it…it upsets me. And I can’t just say “ah well – semantics!” and move on. Because I know that on some level these same people do consider him defective. Broken.

And I’m not faulting them for that because technically, they aren’t entirely wrong. But I don’t take the same broad perspective. I don’t see him as needing to be fixed – I see delays or disconnects that need to be addressed. He’s not broken, but he’s different. And it’s holding him back. And we can help him.

But I don’t think we help Oliver by seeing him as a thing that needs to be repaired. Because there is one area in which he is incredibly advanced. He is very aware of how he is perceived. He feels our disappointment, our dissatisfaction, our displeasure. He knows when he fails – even if he doesn’t know why. And the wounded look in his eyes tears my heart to pieces.

My son is not a vacuum cleaner or a DVD player. He’s not useless until repaired.

Even if he didn’t make one single advance in therapy this year, he’d be just as precious – just as loved. He is kind and intelligent. He’s funny and full of charisma. He challenges us and teaches us. And he makes me a far better person than I ever would have been without him. He’s helped to heal many of my own broken pieces. He’s mended cracks and made me feel whole. And I would never dare to presume that he is any less for his differences.

So I marvel over what a beautiful boy I have and enjoy big belly laughs over his quirks and crazy English. And I hope that even if he does get fixed in the end – and no one would ever know that he was once “broken” – he’ll still retain some of his otherness. Because it’s the nicks and cracks – the rough edges and battle scars – the unique imperfections – that show our depth of character.

*Oliver started Kindergarten on Tuesday, and I’ve devoted both this and last week to posts I wrote about him and his special needs. It helps me to re-read these and see how far we’ve come. It gives me even more hope for the future and reminds me of why I’m so proud of my son. Worry about the future will always take a back seat to that feeling. I just wrote this one in July 2010 – it’s the most recent. So that’s it for my two weeks of Oliver. If you had a special needs (or just very special – aren’t the all?!) child starting school in a mainstream classroom this year, let me know. I’d love to read about it.

The Worst Fear (Alternatively Titled: Oliver’s Grandmothers Probably Shouldn’t Read This)*

Since I’m fairly certain said grandmothers have not heeded my advice, I’d just like to put it out there that everyone is OKAY.

With the exception of maybe me… Though my robotic ability to shut down emotions when they threaten to render me unable to cease crying for the rest of my life did kick in about five minutes into my nervous breakdown. So that’s good.

This talent of mine serves me well because at the core, I’m a very fearful person. I worry about everything. When I was little I would worry about tidal waves and twisters. I worried about nuclear war and my parents dying. I had night terrors and no matter how irrational, I couldn’t stand next to my bed after dark without imagining a hand reaching out from under to grab my ankle. The world was fraught with danger and I was keenly aware of every awful thing that could possibly happen to me. I saw shark infested waters – both literally and figuratively.

So now, I disconnect. I just don’t think about it anymore. I simply don’t have time. I have too much to juggle and it’s made me very practical. I’m a good person to have around in a crisis. I’m calm and analytical. I wait to hear all the facts before forming an opinion. And I don’t consider the worst until the truth grabs me by the neck and slams me against the wall. Even then I’ll hold it together. For me, it’s a matter of survival.

But we all have our breaking point. And I hit mine yesterday when for about five to ten minutes in the late morning, I lost Oliver. Meaning, I searched my immediate neighborhood and I couldn’t find him anywhere.

One minute I was walking in my front door to get Eleanor a cup of water and the next I was racing around our block, frantically calling his name.

When I left him, he was sitting about ten feet away from our house in (of course) a patch of dirt. He was drinking the first cup of water I brought out for Eleanor since he drained his own so quickly that I just gave him hers and ran back in to get more.

When I stepped back outside, I found George engrossed in turning on the water for the garden hose and the absence of Oliver. A yellow plastic cup lay on its side on the patch of dirt. No spills – no mud. He drank all of it.

Ignoring Eleanor’s constant chatter behind me, I asked George to turn OFF the water – he knows that he’s not allowed to play with the hose – and WHERE did Oliver go.

My younger son pointed vaguely down the block and said, “down the hill.” It was obvious that George had no idea where his brother went, but I started walking in that direction. It was as good as any other.

Oliver tends to wander off. Never far, and typically to predictable locations, but I always have that brief pang of “what if?” The one that we barely register since it borders on unnecessary drama and fully crosses the line of unlikely. And by the time it could possibly gather momentum, the child appears – blissfully ignorant of the big bad world and its predators lurking behind every theoretical corner. Then we yell or hug or get distracted by another child. But the resonance of that pang stays with us long enough for a glimpse of perspective. What truly matters in our lives. Those lost earrings become a welcome price to pay – the trade off for this moment of relief. So lucky…a charmed life I’m living, really.

But when I reached the end of our townhouse row and turned the corner, my child wasn’t there.

And when I turned the next corner, he still wasn’t there. Or the next corner. Or the next. And suddenly, I was back where I started.

I looked at the strange men doing landscaping and noticed for the first time that they all drive vans. Then I asked George again, “WHERE did Oliver go? Is he inside?” Before even hearing his answer, I crossed the street to look in the good climbing tree. Then I doubled back to try the path to the bridge where we throw rocks in the water. Our neighbor was walking his dog there and said he hadn’t seen Oliver. So I went up another set of steps that would lead me back to the area behind our house.

Then I quickly returned to the front and ran into the house, still calling for him. Eleanor said he wasn’t there but I kept calling. At the door to the basement, I heard how hoarse my voice sounded. I didn’t notice that I was still holding Eleanor’s second cup of water until I hurled it down the stairs.

Back outside. More searching.

Too much walking and running and calling “Oliver…Oliver…OLIVER…OLIVER…OLIVEROLIVEROLIVER!” The twins echoed my calls and I realized that they were now both on the front lawn, trying to aid me in my search. Within minutes they would be lost in the neighborhood too, so I pushed-dragged them to my friend’s house two doors down, and barked, “stay there I don’t know where Oliver is stay THERE!”

We had all been at this house earlier for a casual brunch, and several other mothers were still there. My friend asked if she should call the police and I think I said yes – but I may have just showed her the yellow cup in the patch of dirt. Because he was JUST there a minute ago.

But more than a minute had now passed. Many minutes. Too many. And with each one, the vapor of “unlikely” continued to gain substance. I ran back across the street and through another cul de sac, distantly aware of other voices calling my son’s name.

It was only when I was looking down a hill at the nearby creek that I heard my name. Someone (or everyone) was calling for me. And that meant they found him. It never occurred to me that it could have been anything else. Anything else would be unbearable.

As I rushed back up the street and my house came into view, I saw another neighbor helping Oliver step out of my car. MY CAR. He was in my car.

Me – the city girl who once never left her car unlocked for a single minute. Not even to run into the house for forgotten sunglasses. Because leaving a car unlocked meant that strangers could get in. Maybe steal it. At the very least, pilfer the meter change hidden away in the glove compartment. That city girl, now lulled by her quiet suburban neighborhood and distracted by multiple children let locked car doors fall off the radar. Constant vigilance was reserved for boiling pots of water on the stove and cleaning fluids locked under the sink. Not the car.

And my five year old son climbed into a black Ford Expedition with tinted windows and child safety locks in 90 degree weather.

If one of my friends hadn’t seen a flicker of movement, who knows how long it would have taken for me to find him there. And what that could have meant.

Let’s play hide and seek mommy! Where’s Oliver…

That is real fear. The vampires and sharks of my childhood look like Smurfs and Care Bears when pitted against the fear of losing my child.

I barely said thank you to the people who helped me search for Oliver as I silently led him into the house. And the minute the door closed, I burst into tears. I was SO scared. I couldn’t find you. You were LOST.

I could have yelled or spanked him. I could have sent him to his room for the rest of the day. I could have held him tight and asked if he was okay, told him everything would be alright. I’m here now. Mommy’s here.

Instead I sat and cried and said I was scared. So scared.

At first he laughed. The nervous laughter we’ve all experienced when faced by something impossible. It wasn’t just a crack in his mother’s composure. I dissolved before his eyes. I fell to pieces and I couldn’t help myself.

But I think this probably made more of an impact. If he was scared while locked in the car, he didn’t show it. He has his own walls – his own habits of disconnecting with reality. But he too has a breaking point, and apparently, it’s me. We both cried and said we were scared. And said we were sorry.

Then joined by the twins, we fell into a teary, sweaty heap in front of the TV and decided not to leave the house until it was time for Oliver’s therapy appointment.

I sat with all three of my children and basked the luxury of knowing that they were safe. Nothing bad could happen to them in that moment – I could protect them with four walls, air conditioning and the tedium of passive parenting. With my physical presence. As long as we could see each other, nothing could touch us.

Hours passed, therapy was received, and commuter traffic was endured. And when we returned to the slower speed limit of our neighborhood, the last traces of our anxiety dropped away. I opened the windows and turned up the radio. Warm air rushed in to remove the chill of fear.

In my side mirror I saw Oliver putting his hand out the window to feel the breeze. Part of me thought, “keep arms and legs in the vehicle at all times…” but I remember pushing my own palm against the wind when I was his age. No tree limbs or other cars ever came close enough to hurt me. I never worried about that. Earthquakes maybe…but not losing my hand to swerving motorcyclist.

So I decided not to worry about it now. I put my own hand out the window and felt the pressure of wind. My own flesh and bone, solid and invincible against the blast. With a little tension and concentration, I couldn’t be moved. I could even push back.

The what ifs will never go away. They linger on the edges of our every movement, decision, omission… And sometimes they catch up with us. There is always a terrible story to hear. To simultaneously feel sorrow for others and immense gratitude for our own luck, grace, karma.

I once read a brilliant line about what it means to become a parent. While the source left my memory long ago, the sentiment stayed with me – that someone’s child was born and “fate took a hostage.”

Every day I feel the truth of this. And it humbles me. I have to take responsibility for my power and accept my powerlessness and ultimately just hope that my luck will hold.

And I do that every day. I guess we all do.

It’s a charmed life I’m living. Really.

*Oliver started Kindergarten on Tuesday, and I’ve devoted both this and last week to posts I wrote about him and his special needs. It helps me to re-read these and see how far we’ve come. It gives me even more hope for the future and reminds me of why I’m so proud of my son. Worry about the future will always take a back seat to that feeling. I wrote this one in June 2010. While I guess this isn’t exactly “Special Needs” related – I kind of think of it that way…maybe because Oliver’s delay in maturity had a lot to do with what happened.

The Shooting Range*


As a parent of three small children in a townhouse community FULL of children, I’m only just starting to experience the anxiety of letting them play outside the safety of our front lawn. At one time, they would happily stay close to home and never considered crossing the street to interact with the older kids. But now that my oldest is five and my younger two are three, I suddenly find myself lapping our block and crossing into the next cul de sac to hunt down escapees.

They’re still a bit young to seriously join the roving gang of elementary schoolers on bikes and scooters. But when the games involve running through the woodsy common areas with plastic guns and gun-like sticks, the possibility for blending in with the crowd becomes more likely.

And as usual, my first concern is how my five year old with communication delays and all of the awkward social behaviors that accompany them will handle this. I worry that Oliver will opt to disengage and continue to play by himself in the dirt. I worry that he’ll try to play with the other kids but be rejected. I worry that he’ll manage to stay with the group but take their game too far and come across as aggressive.

There are so many things to worry about… So ultimately, I just don’t. I follow Oliver’s lead and try not to interfere. But when I see an opportunity to help him figure things out – I do make the effort.

So I recently bought some cheap dart guns from the grocery store. Then one quiet afternoon when the twins were napping and the other neighborhood kids were scarce, I set up a little shooting range for us. I showed Oliver how to cock, insert the dart, aim and pull the trigger. I, who have never expressed any interest in hunting, paintball, popular college “assassin” games or war movies, yet again had to push my own preferences aside to help my child be normal.

And what at thing to teach him! I mean – aren’t we supposed to discourage guns? Or at the very least, tolerate them within limits? I’ve never heard any experts suggesting that you teach your child to be the quickest draw on the block to help him fit in. But at the end of the day, I have little concern for my son’s future of wielding guns on clock towers or in convenience stores. I’m a bit more focused on him not getting pantsed in Kindergarten.

To be honest though, it doesn’t look like I have much to be worried about anyway. When I suggested that we turn our guns on each other (cringe), he didn’t much like that idea. My little pacifist! We compromised by shooting at our reflections in the windows. And a good time was had by all….sigh.

While I can’t say that I think he’ll be quite the gun fanatic that I see budding in his three year old brother, George…he does now have a clue about what to do if he encounters a pick up game of Armageddon with the guys.

I miss the days of watching Oliver toddle around. Of being oblivious to the future of special needs hurtling at us with a speed and force that would literally knock us flat. But you can’t look back. In fact, I’ve found that you can’t look that far into the future either.

It may sound short sighted to say that I’m not worried about the long term effects of encouraging what most parents consider “inappropriate toys,” all in the name of a short term goal to help him fit in. But just as I had no idea that my seemingly typical baby and then toddler would develop such complicated learning and social delays, how could I possibly predict the person he will eventually become? I personally think that he will be someone pretty wonderful. And a few unorthodox parenting strategies will not greatly impact the the bigger picture of his future as a law abiding citizen.

Like I said – he doesn’t seem to be all that gun crazy anyway. In general, he largely ignores the war games going on around him. But the other day while we were standing outside, he actually picked up a stick with the rudimentary shape of a gun and pointed it at one of our neighbors, a very enthusiastic war mongering six year old. He even made a little shooting noise.

I nearly burst with pride.

That same evening I witnessed something truly amazing. My Oliver, who has a hard time figuring out how to even be a follower with the neighborhood kids, actually took the lead.

Our next door neighbors have a cat named Tony. He’s a sweet black and white kitty who lounges around on various front steps and cars. He’s friendly and more importantly, extremely patient with the grasping and groping hands of the local tots.

Oliver loves this cat. He will lie down next to Tony on the sidewalk while petting him. He will follow him around when Tony tires of his advances and tries to leave. I’ve even found Oliver’s little feet sticking out from under our car where Tony had taken refuge (I can’t take my eye of those kids for a minute…) And there was no exception that evening when Tony came strolling around the corner. He was immediately attacked by my adoring son.

After a few minutes, Tony decided that it was time to extract himself from all of that suffocating love. And of course, when the poor cat darted away, Oliver followed. As luck would have it, this grabbed the attention of our six year old neighbor friend and another little boy who was standing nearby. They ran up to see what Oliver was doing.

Oliver just said, “want to go get Tony?” and out of nowhere, a wild chase ensued. Now joined by my twins, the three boys ran like crazy after poor Tony all around our side of the block. They chased him under back porches and crowed with delight when they saw him streak by in another attempt at escape. I would have been happy to just see Oliver joining in the game, but this time he was actually calling the shots, “this way!…there he is….get him!“

I have never been so thrilled to see children torturing an animal.

Okay – “torturing” is a rather gross exaggeration… But I think it’s safe to say that Tony would have preferred to spend that thirty minutes sunning himself in the last few rays of daylight.

Of course, none of the children actually hurt, let alone touched Tony. And he’s still fond of us, willing to let Oliver pet him for limited periods of time. But that evening, he was more than just the neighbors’ friendly cat. He was the catalyst for what would be the first time Oliver played with a group of children for that long without losing interest and wandering off. I almost cried to hear him say “follow me!” and then to actually see the other kids do just that.

So yeah – yet another example of allowing behavior that should probably be discouraged. I admit it – I make some iffy calls…but I generally stand behind my choices.

I don’t look too far ahead. It’s simply too much for me to take in. Too many unknowns. Too much worry…too much hope… Instead I try to aim for the more attainable goals in the here and now.

I don’t know much about shooting, but my guess is that you have to keep your range realistic. Anything can happen – sometimes the easiest target might give you the slip. But it goes without saying that you should take your chances when you’ve got a clear shot. One that’s close enough to touch. Even if it seems a bit risky. Life is always risky, so why not take our chances when the odds are in our favor. You take a risk every time you walk out your front door. Just ask Tony.

*Oliver started Kindergarten yesterday, and I’ve devoted both this and last week to posts I wrote about him and his special needs. It helps me to re-read these and see how far we’ve come. It gives me even more hope for the future and reminds me of why I’m so proud of my son. Worry about the future will always take a back seat to that feeling. I wrote this one in June 2010.

Inside Out and Backwards*

Oliver is turning five at the end of March, and I kind of can’t believe it. Maybe it’s because he was my first baby, but I still think of him as a little guy. Well – little in spirit, since he’s roughly the size of a very short middle school child…


And truly, he’s so far from toddlerdom, I can’t even pretend anymore. He doesn’t need me nearly as much as he used to. He can get himself a snack – typically not the kind I would have selected for him…but still. He can turn on lights (yeah – electric bill!) and the television. He can even dress himself although his apathy for wearing clothes makes for some rather incomplete outfits – usually missing pants.


And he never ceases to amaze me with his talent for putting on any shirt inside out and backwards.
Anyway – I can’t help but think about how the apron strings still firmly knotted through his belt loops just keep getting longer and longer. Now, when we play outside, he’ll often disappear from my line of sight. Something that would once have been the source of a panicked sprint in the direction I last saw him and possibly some pre-hysterical yelling of his name. Now I lean toward a much calmer mosey and unconcerned yoo-hooing for his return to the fold. Of course, that’s typically followed by some bellowing about notdoingthatnottouchingthatnoteatingthat… But that’s another issue altogether.


When he was a newborn, we lived in a third floor condo apartment. The trash chute was only four doors down from ours, but for the life of me, I could not bring myself to leave my tiny baby alone for five seconds to take out the garbage. I was convinced that I would one day lock myself out while my son lay trapped in the apartment, wailing from fear and hunger.


So I did what any other concerned mother would do – I took him with me. And holding Oliver in one arm while I used my other hand to carry that one trash bag was pretty easy. Even opening the door to the trash room was simple enough. The complications began when I had to open the chute.
It opened in much the same way that a mailbox does, but there was a latch that needed to be held down in order to pull the handle. Most definitely a two hand job. While I could open the chute with one hand, I still needed to hold it open so I could lift the bag into it. And this presented an entirely new venue for my mania.

Since my other hand was already in use for baby detail, I had to look to other body parts for assistance. Unfortunately, the chute was located too high on the wall for me to secure it with my foot or my hip. So left with waist up options, the only feasible candidate was my elbow.

The process was that I would first open the chute with my right hand. Then, holding that down, I’d press Oliver to my chest with my left arm and rest that elbow on the open door. Then, as I cut off his oxygen supply, I would say approximately five Hail Marys while I let go with my right hand and used it to pick up the trash bag, even thought I’m technically not Catholic and hadn’t been to Mass in years. Then I dropped it in the chute, and the minute it left my grasp I would wrap both arms tightly around Oliver and say prayers of thanks to God for not letting me drop my baby with the trash.

Every day.

You would think I’d pull out the stroller for this – but what can I say? A mother’s love and paranoia go far beyond reason.

As the year went on, I took the CA-RAY-ZEE down a notch and relaxed a bit. I could watch my toddler run around on the grass and not worry about every stumble and scraped knee. While I hated the idea of him being hurt in any way, I knew that the falls were inevitable and all part of learning to stand, walk, run…grow. Like all other mothers, I knew that I had to let go a little. And the apron strings lengthened.


Having the twins when Oliver was still a baby himself probably helped. I simply didn’t have the luxury of time for unnecessary worry. I embraced the old adage that children bounce and just held my breath (and said a few Hail Marys) when I saw him doing something perfectly normal that still made me nervous.

But I’d be lying if I claimed to take everything in stride. There was always a resonance deep below my love and pride for my children that screamed, “DON’T…STOP…DANGER!” And sometimes it was pretty hard to ignore. I could turn myself inside out from the fear that anything could happen. That every step they took away from me could lead them into forces beyond my control. What if Oliver tripped on the stairs and broke his neck? What if a rabid squirrel attacked him? What if a big crack opened up in the ground? The possibilities were endless.

Fortunately, I am not a complete psychopath and never take this beyond ordinary watchful wariness. But the irony of the situation is that my big beautiful boy who has never been seriously ill or hurt in his life continues be a constant source of worry for me.

No – not just worry…fear. Bone chilling, stomach churning fear of the far more possible what ifs. What if he still can’t hold real conversations by the time he starts Kindergarten in the Fall? What if he’s so awkward that the other kids are cruel to him? What if he starts to realize that he’s different…an outsider…?

I put up this strong front of not caring what anyone else thinks, and I actually don’t – for myself. But I do care for him. I care so much – too much, and it tears me up inside to imagine him feeling any less than a bright, sensitive boy so full of potential.


But those apron strings aren’t retractable. I can’t stop him from falling. All I can do is be at the ready with bandaids and open arms. They’ll always be there as long as he’ll have them. Which won’t be forever…but again, that’s another issue altogether…

Please don’t comment with the “you’re such a good mom” pats on the back, because the truth is – I’m not. Or at least, I could be so much better when it comes to this oldest child of my heart. I hate research…I’m terrible at schedules and structure…I have of yet to discover effective punishment for bad behavior… This doesn’t come naturally to me – this mothering of a special needs child. I’m good at the love, patience and acceptance part – but not so good at the “work” involved.

But I’m trying. I sit with Oliver and help him practice his pencil grip. I encourage him to work on the things that would be easy for him if he just tried. I wheedle him into trying the things that don’t come so easily with baby steps and little pressure. And I watch as he dresses, no matter how long it takes, reminding him to stay focused. I show him how to make sure his shirt isn’t inside out and correct him when he starts to put in on backwards.

And he’s learning. His shirt is now rarely inside out and backwards.

For a few years now, my heart has felt inside out and backwards. But I’m learning too. And with a little time, I think I’ll get it right.

*Oliver is starting Kindergarten TODAY, and I’ve devoted both this and last week to posts I wrote about him and his special needs. It helps me to re-read these and see how far we’ve come. It gives me even more hope for the future and reminds me of why I’m so proud of my son. Worry about the future will always take a back seat to that feeling. I wrote this one in March 2010.