Category Archives: Big Piece of Cake

The Double Dutch Snap OR Punishment for a Michael Jackson Dance Party

For anyone who thought I was an MJ basher, I have to say, I was honest when I claimed that in spite of any vacillating opinions I might have about the scandals in his life, I still love the music.

In fact, we had an impromptu Michael Jackson dance party at our house this past weekend. An experience that proved God really does choose sides. I decided to make fun of my husband’s dancing (which was a pretty stupid thing to do since he already hates dancing and rarely agrees to more than one or two slow dances at the odd wedding or event we attend…).

And almost immediately after this transgression, one of my children knocked over a full glass of wine on the dining room tablecloth. Then another child fell off the side of a couch (where he shouldn’t have been climbing, but that’s neither here nor there…). After which a general melee of confusion and hysteria ensued.

So yeah – I get it. Persecute Chris and suffer the consequences…at least I know where I stand. But in my own defense – it was too funny not to imitate. He has one signature dance move that just begs for some good natured roasting.

I wish I could show him doing it – but I fear that something truly cataclysmic would happen. Like an earthquake swallowing my entire closet, or the extinction of the cocoa bean…or Freaky Friday-like body swapping with a teenager right before midterm exams (am I the only one who still has nightmares about this kind of thing?)

BUT I do have the next best thing. I made Chris record me doing my imitation of him. I suspect that he only agreed since I look awful and have a big pimple on my chin, but he was a good sport nonetheless.

So without further ado, I bring to you, The Double Dutch Snap:

*Disclaimer: Never combine a Michael Jackson Dance Party and an early happy hour without first consulting your doctor. Side effects may include destroyed dining room tablecloths, inattention to children in peril, loss of integrity, public exposure of a bad complexion, general fate tempting, ashtoiejast[t0 shidsni[-gi90sej, skijgs0ejtr0e-atje09 sasgtehigtn snjigaejgti0e, snit0aejti0, shte0ahtei0 ashio-00jdas0era0ew0rekk and shaieta0e[ije.

BUT you could possibly come up with a kick ass new dance move to join the white man’s overbite hall of fame. Move over “lawnmower,” “sprinkler” and “shopping cart” – you’ve got competition!

Seriously – I dare you to NOT Double Dutch Snap the next time the opportunity presents itself…

Goodbye Summer

I doubt many people are reading blogs this holiday Monday. Hopefully, you’re all enjoying your last day at the pool, or grilling with friends, or just marveling over how quickly Summer has passed us by.

But I do have a quick Monday’s Muse for this unofficial end of Summer (now – new and improved without the usual avalanche of words to muck up the simplicity of a picture!)


Farewell Summer – see you next year!

Don’t forget to grab a button and add your Monday’s Muse link over at Cinnamon & Honey every Monday!

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What Would We Do Baby, Without Us

Ever get a song stuck in your head and you have no idea where it came from? For me it’s currently the theme song from Family Ties (remember that one – it ends “sha-la-la-la”). Well it’s sort of driving me nuts, but it’s definitely fitting for my thoughts today.

I have a wonderful husband named Chris. We have been married for close to eight years now. And while you might not guess it to look at him – he is a slob. And he’s not just an ordinary, run of the mill messy slob who doesn’t care about his messiness. He’s a creative slob.

He doesn’t just leave things where they fall, he creates odd piles and organizational systems. It isn’t possible for him to see a clean surface area and not immediately add clutter to it. And god forbid I move the items. Then it’s all, “where did you put my DMV renewal form? I know I was keeping it in the pile under the dining room table.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him notice a balled up dirty sock on the floor and purposefully kick it into the corner NEXT TO THE HAMPER (“Back in the corner you go. There! Much better.“) Though I honestly think the clothes on the floor are invisible to him. He’ll walk around them for days until he sees something he wants. Then that item alone escapes the cloak of invisibility and magically appears out of nowhere! He gets very excited about this.

Unfortunately for me, the hamper is always invisible.

He also keeps things long past their expiration date. Like the pleated front pants that he never wears, or the shoes with holes so big, hobos would throw them out. One of my greatest moments of satisfaction was pointing out that there would never again be an appropriate time to wear his fraternity “a day without a buzz is a day that never wuzz” tee shirt with its visual of Calvin and Hobbes passed out around a keg.

But I think one of my favorite memories of the organized mess was one that happened shortly after we were first married. We lived in a one bedroom rented apartment with a large living room/dining room area. When you entered the apartment, the coat closet was to your right, the living room furniture was directly in front of you and the dining room table was on the far left end of the room. And our wedding was in the Fall, so within a month, it was time to pull out the coats and jackets.

Every day when he went out, Chris would take a coat out of the closet. And every day when he came back, he walked across the apartment and hung that coat on one of the six dining room chairs. I didn’t notice this immediately, but when I had the urge to start putting coats away, I recognized the pattern taking place and decided to see how it played out (I also marveled at how many coats he had).

Finally the seventh day came, and I stood expectantly, watching him walk in and take off his coat. Surely he would see that the chairs were all taken and realize what he was doing. I saw his look of surprise as the dilemma presented itself (“Huh. It seems that all of the chairs are already in use, there are none left.“) and then I saw him look around and consider his options (“Are there any other places I can put this coat?“). AND THEN I saw him carefully fold his coat in half and drape it across a clear area on THE FLOOR! That was when I had to scream, “stop the madness!” Apparently, the problem was that in the evening, our coat closet, much like our hamper, was invisible.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few pictures I took on Friday to document this:

Ever wonder what you should do with those twist ties that hold the dry cleaning hangers together?

Well if you are an ordinary slob, you will drop them on the floor – but if you are truly pathological, you will find a handy hook on the closet wall and wrap it around that. Sweet – and what do you know, it’s now invisible.

Since you ask – yes, that IS a hanging shoe organizer behind the hook. It must have confused you since it doesn’t actually hold shoes. And where do we keep those?

Here they are – in their proper jumble on the closet floor, along with a few random articles of clothing and the plastic dry cleaning bag that must have accompanied the now invisible twist tie.

Okay – here is one more bonus picture.

So where do you keep YOUR plastic bags after you unload the groceries?

Really? That makes sense, but I think our spot under a dining room chair is better.

Yes – Chris is a true original in his slob style. But he’s also unmatched in his ability to take care of his family. Shortly after I came up with some ideas for this post and took those pictures, we found out that my mother’s cancer has returned. This time, it is in her brain.

Chris found out on Saturday before I knew, and while I was sleeping that night, he booked my ticket to Key West for the following Monday. He stayed up all night worrying and talking to his family on the West Coast. And after very little sleep, he got up and spent the entire day doing everything he could to keep the kids busy while I ran errands and packed.

And when I felt like I might go out of my mind at the idea of being away from my children for a whole week, he booked a ticket for my three year old to come with me.

And when I felt like I was being weak, he pointed out that it would be a wonderful surprise for my father, to whom Oliver is very close (especially since it’s my Dad’s birthday). /

And I think he asked me if I was okay about a 100 times today.

And I’m really, really going to miss him this week.

I’ve never been one for public schmoopiness – but I really am lucky to have this man in my life. What would I do without him? Without us? Sha-la-la-la.

Originally posted on June 29, 2008. I thought this was fitting since September is our anniversary month – NINE YEARS on September 16! Visit Scary Mommy for links to more Flashback Friday Posts!

ScaryMommy

When Exactly Did Ovarian Cancer Become Funny?

Well…never. But you COULD watch this very funny video by everyone’s favorite (or at least my favorite) humor blogger, Jessica Bern of Bern This fame.

If you register, Seventh Generation will donate a dollar to Ovarian Cancer Research. So make sure to register HERE after watching the video.

I think that we all know someone who has battled (or is battling) some form of cancer. While this may not be the particular cancer you want to tear apart and stuff into the closest incinerator – all cancer research brings us that much closer to the ever elusive cure.

So laugh for cancer research. It’s the most pleasant donation you’ll ever have to make.

Pre-September Post: The R Rated One

I was thinking that I had to post something today since I was gone for a week, but then I realized that it’s not September until tomorrow. And my parting words were, “see you in September.” BUT I already had an idea for a quick post and I may as well do it. Plus – I need a Monday’s Muse post.

So here is my muse for this week: TMI from my daughter AND family nudity. I know – not really a muse…but I haven’t had much time to think about it.

As you may have known, we just drove down to Florida to visit some of Chris’ family and ended up at his Uncle’s beach house in Long Boat Key (outside of Sarasota). On the way, we visited some barbecue places for Chris (he just loves his pulled pork), and captured some of it on film (disc? memory chip?) for his food blog. He’s been posting these little vlogs all of last week – some about the food, but most just bits and pieces of us at the beach and pool.

You can see all of them HERE – but the one he put up yesterday was a little shocking. Before I get to that though, I’d like to announce that my daughter is far worse than her brothers when it comes to the potty talk. She absolutely delights in telling you she farted and nearly dies of ecstasy when she can point out that someone else did. Seriously – if I shift the wrong way on a leather chair, she’ll scream, “mommy FURTED!” I’m just waiting for her to do this to one of us in public…

She is also all about what’s going on under the diapers, and has been proudly pointing out her business (which she calls her “kiki” – something she must have picked up at daycare) for a few months now. Just I’ve been waiting for her to start talking about her brothers’ business…

Well – that finally happened today. And all morning I’ve been answering the same questions about the boy’s anatomy:

Eleanor: Mommy – does Oliver have a PEE-NAHS?

Me: Yes. Because Oliver is a boy.

Eleanor: Mommy – does George have a PEE-NAHS?

Me: Yes. Because George is a boy.

Eleanor: Mommy – does Oliver have a PEE-NAHS?

And on and on and on. Another conversation I’m not looking to coming up in public. I’m sure it will be something like, “Mommy – you FURTED! And George has a PEE-NAHS!”

But enough about furting and pee-nahses. Want to see something really shocking? Visit Chris’ blog HERE to see some nudity.

Don’t forget to grab a button and add your Monday’s Muse link over at Cinnamon & Honey every Monday!

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Gone Fishing – Again

We’re out of town again. This time to Florida – a last minute trip to see a sick family member. AND we’re driving, god help us… But we’re making some stops and will be at the beach most of the time. So it will actually be a “fun” family vacation.

We left on Friday, and I’m taking a real blog hiatus this week (although Chris will be posting some footage of our trip on his site). I’m not even READING blogs (not just a break from writing/commenting). I’ll probably have to just mark everything in my reader as “read” when I return. I hate missing anything though – so if you had a really great post or made any huge announcements involving a sex change, a felony or a new pet (or all three!), let me know in comments or via e-mail.

ALSO – I’ve noticed that it’s kind of a virtual ghost town right now. Which I guess is to be expected since it’s prime vacation/back to school prep time. SO I’m keeping my giveaway open through Labor Day. Don’t want anyone to miss it. Don’t forget to leave me a comment to enter.

See you in September!

I Never Thought I’d Wear Sunglasses (Alternately Titled: Shooting Practice Starts Tomorrow)

A few weeks ago when we were in Rehoboth Beach, my mother in law and I packed up the kids to drive over to Bethany where one of my friends has a house. She and her sister were staying there with their five children, four of whom were boys.

Once we all found each other, we spent most of our time by the water. We stood sentry watching all of our boys hurl themselves into the surf. And we counted heads in the foam while trying to hold a conversation between exclamations of “don’t throw sand!” and “that’s too far, come back here!”

My boy was right in the middle of this. This sensory overload of wind and water and squishy, grainy sand between his toes. He was in his element – in the elements. He needs to feel things and he needs to immerse himself in the moment without inhibitions. And what better place than the beach?

He also loved being in the middle of all of those boys. They were his people. They understood the joy of throwing wet sand in the air just to feel it splatter all around them. They wanted nothing more than to live in that moment with the waves crashing around them, drowning out the sound of their screams of laughter. They were just like him.

In that moment.

But only in that moment.

They called to each other and knew when to push and when to pull. They knew when to stop and when to start again (obviously when mom was looking the other way). They understood the rules of the game. They both made and discussed the rules. In bits and pieces of course – but still, they communicated. Communication came easily to them.

Communication does not come easily to my boy. He doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t know when pushing isn’t welcome. He doesn’t know the rules. He doesn’t know how to join. He wants so much to join – to play. But he doesn’t know how. So he just watched.

And I watched him from behind my sunglasses, happy to see him having fun even if it seemed a little lonely. Happy that he couldn’t see the tears welling in my eyes. Happy that my friend couldn’t see the tears either and only heard me talking about doctors and school and how well he’s doing. Because that’s really all I want anyone to see.

When I was a teenager, all of my friends wore sunglasses. but I never did. I didn’t like them. They gave me “raccoon eyes” in the summer and felt out of place with my coats and hats in the winter. Not to mention the fact that they never did look good on me. Back then it was always about how I looked.

Now I’m the one doing the looking. I don’t care as much about how I look. Sunglasses will never compliment my face with its long, slightly crooked nose – but I need them to see my children through the glare. I need them to see the road when I’m driving on a sunny day. I need them to be responsible. So I wear them. And I’ve found that they are pretty useful. They allow me to be the observer and they can hide what I don’t want people to see.

I also wear my sunglasses at the neighborhood pool where I take my children most late afternoons. After the twins wake up from their nap, I load up all of our towels and waters and changes of clothes and snacks and push the double stroller uphill, calling for Oliver to wait for me at the corner. Which he always does – but I ask him to anyway, just in case.

When we arrive, we head straight for the baby pool. At two, the twins are still too little to stand in the shallow end of the big pool like their four year old brother. This suits me just fine since Oliver is still young enough to be satisfied with the baby pool and I can sit with a magazine while they play. Or at least I can for a few minutes at a time, since I frequently have to administer warnings and time outs for bad behavior.

One thing I like about this time of day is that the pool tends to be rather deserted. More accomplished mothers are thinking about cooking family dinners at 5 p.m. My children will only eat kid food and my husband and I don’t usually have formal meals together due to all of the corralling required before their late, but “works best for them” bedtime between 8:30 and 9:00 p.m. When no other families are at the pool, only our own rules apply.

If Oliver is splashing, I can ignore it. That is, as long as his siblings don’t mind. And they often join in. If Oliver is being too rough and pushing them as part of some inexplicable game of his, I can just watch and see how it goes. I don’t need to stand or look alert as a show for the other parents. I can see just fine from my shady seat. My sunglasses cut the glare. Everything is crystal clear and I know exactly when to step in and when to let them work it out.

But more often than not we arrive at the tail end of another family’s pool time. And I have to stand and administer twice as many time outs as I would if we were alone. I have to find ways to tell the other mothers that Oliver has a hard time knowing when to stop. In Oliver’s mind, if another child seems to like being splashed at from across the pool, why wouldn’t they like it at closer range? And at that point, why not cut out the middle man and just shove them back into the water? Sounds fun to him!

So I can spend an hour having the same one-sided conversation with him over and over. Telling him to stop. Asking him to be gentle. Pleading with him to listen.

He wants to comply. I know he does. He wants to please me and he wants to please these desired friends (he has the makings of “a pleaser” – something else that worries me – but that’s another concern for another day). He wants to get it right. He just doesn’t know how.

I always keep my sunglasses on when we’re at the pool.

The other day, a few kids a year or two older than Oliver were in the baby pool during adult swim (everyone seems to call it “break” now – is “adult swim” no longer PC or something?) Anyway – they were being rowdy and Oliver was thrilled. They were pulling out the hose that was supposed to be filling the pool with more water. They were spraying each other with it and splashing and eventually ran to get their water guns.

As they stood there spraying each other and yelling unintelligible things about Star Wars, a movie that I doubt any of them has actually seen, Oliver decided to join in.

It didn’t work. He didn’t know the rules.

He splashed around in the middle of them when no one was splashing. They asked him to stop, but he didn’t understand. If they were shooting water at each other, then why wouldn’t splashing be allowed? A younger sister in the group, exactly Oliver’s age, explained, “we’re playing Star Wars now – you can play Star Wars too, but you can’t play with us if you keep splashing.”

So of course I had to intervene.

At this point, I didn’t think I had ever said, heard and thought the word “splash” so many times within the space of five minutes. It had completely lost all meaning and was just a rude noise that made me feel decidedly uncomfortable. It was an expletive. A swear word. I wanted it to not exist anymore. I was done with it.

But Oliver wasn’t. He didn’t understand, and I had to pull him aside. No time out though. How could I when he had only the best of intentions? Instead I offered to drag him around the other side of the pool. Something he loves and I hate. He loves the feeling of the water rushing all around him from head to toe. I hate the feeling of hunching over to pull a 60 lb. four year old from one end of the baby pool to the other.

Meanwhile Star Wars continued, Oliver still didn’t understand what was wrong with “splashing” (excuse my French) and I hid behind my sunglasses.

And I made plans.

Apparently shooting water at each other is generally okay at the pool. Or if it isn’t, it’s not unusual for kids to not know when to stop. Quite simply – it’s not weird.

So while I pulled Oliver around the pool, I made plans to take the kids gun shopping the next day. We didn’t own any water guns, but we would soon own an arsenal.

Oliver could learn to shoot a water gun. And the next time there was a game of Star Wars at the pool, we’d be ready. You don’t need to have good communication skills to play shooting games.

I never thought I’d like sunglasses. And I never thought I’d encourage my children to play with toy guns. But I guess I never thought I’d be doing a lot of things.

I have a friend who also has a son with special needs. His are very different from Oliver’s but there are so many parallels to our lives… I love this girl. She speaks my language. The language of mother grief. Of future worry. She worries that her son will wear all black and write dark poetry about death and Japanese anime. I worry that Oliver will be Tommy Boy. We have to laugh. It’s necessary – and we both understand this.

It’s nice to be understood. And that’s probably what most breaks my heart about Oliver. No one really understands him. So I’ll give him a water gun if that helps. And I’ll laugh, and I’ll hope. And I’ll always wear my sunglasses. Just in case.

Polarn O. Pyret: A Giveaway and Some Boring Home Movies of My Kids

This morning, I got a little slap on the hand from BlogHer for hosting a giveaway above a certain price point on a page displaying their ads (seems I’m not so good at reading the fine print on contracts). So I had to take a break from my blogging black out week to move that post HERE.

I’ll be taking entry comments both here and on the new post, so no need to comment a second time if you’ve already done so. Sorry for the confusion.

Okay – back to my vacation!

A Muse Bouche

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My good friend Robin at Cinnamon and Honey has started a new Monday feature called “Monday’s Muse.” She religiously posted a “Musical Monday” feature in the past, but decided to open this up to the rest of us who are music losers (or just don’t write about it) with a general “muse” theme.

Robin says that Monday’s Muse is “about all things inspirational…your chance to share something that’s currently meaningful to you… a song, a video, a poem, a book, a movie, a person… or anything that’s gotten into your head and you can’t get rid of.”

You may have noticed my post about the burger throw down earlier today (incidentally, have you VOTED yet?) Well that’s my Monday Muse today: people who make cooking look fun!

I used to think that I liked cooking. I planned all of our dinner party menus, I did all of the cooking and I did all of the cleaning up (Chris isn’t allowed to touch our nice china – he breaks things). But then Chris started his cooking hobby and I realized that I didn’t really love cooking, I just loved the IDEA of cooking.

It was the end result that I enjoyed as well as the praise I received. What I didn’t enjoy was the time spent shopping and chopping. And I could do without the clean up (fine china aside, the idea of scrubbing pots and pans makes me automatically reach for a Lean Cuisine). But people who truly love cooking will suffer the associated labor. It’s a creative outlet for them. And these cooking bloggers? They really do make it look fun.

I’ve already mentioned my husband’s cooking blog, Dad Can Cook. And today I promoted the burger throw down he’s having with my friend Christy at What We Eat. But I’m not familiar with that many other cooking blogs. Here are the few that I follow:

Smitten Kitchen

Lickable Spoon

TasteFood

And let’s be honest. I follow these for little more than pretty pictures of food and recipes to print out for Chris. But I also don’t sew, and I still follow some crafty bloggers, so it’s all the same thing right?

Next week, I’ll have a new Monday’s Muse topic – but in the meantime, do you follow any cooking websites? And if so, which ones?

Don’t forget to grab a button and add your Monday’s Muse link over at Cinnamon & Honey every Monday!

What Would Bobby Flay Do?

My husband, Chris from Dad Can Cook and my good friend Christy from What We Eat (also of A Lil’ Welsh Rarebit fame) are having a burger throw down today.

In this corner, we have Dad Can Cook’s Chris’ Southwest Burger:


And in this corner, we have What We Eat’s Spicy Lamb Burgers:


Visit both sites to see the recipes and then VOTE HERE.

What burger am I voting for? The one less likely to give Chris terrible breath. It’s going to be a close one…