They say that you shouldn’t let your children watch too much television, and should instead engage them in educational games to cultivate creativity and intellect.
They say that you should always be consistent with discipline, as it will instill an understanding of consequences.
They say that you should make sure your little ones go to bed as early as possible so that they can get a full 12 hours of sleep. (So necessary for brain development, you know!)
They say that you should feed your children well balanced meals with plenty of fruits and vegetables. (Duh! Brain development.)
They say that you should start teaching your children to dress themselves when they turn two. It’s okay if they don’t master it immediately – it’s all about learning.
They say that you shouldn’t bribe children with treats because it ultimately rewards bad behavior.
and
They say that when it comes to the frustrations of parenting, laughter is the best medicine.
This is all great in theory, but…
They are forgetting the fact that very few children are able to amuse themselves independently with educational games. So if a parent needs a block of time to get something done without interruption, then television is the PERFECT solution. Nothing silences a room full of kids like an hour of Yo Gabba Gabba.
They assume that there is time to commit to consistency. For most parents, this is in fact false. If your oldest son refuses to listen to you when you tell him to get off the table, then yes, you should give him a time out. But if he will not stay in time out without direct supervision, then you must stand next to him. Your younger children will then take this opportunity to climb up on the table too. When you leave the time out area to reprimand the other children, the first one will leave his position in time out. And of course climb back up on the table – because you know, everyone else is doing it. This could result in rotating children in and out of time out for long stretches of time, and SOMEONE has to make dinner.
They must not arrive home from work and daycare pick up after 6:00 p.m. Children have internal timers and will know that only one hour has elapsed if you hustle them into the bedtime routine before 7:30. It is a scientific fact (that I just made up to justify my children’s circadian rhythms) that children need at least 30 minutes of playtime before and after dinner. Otherwise, they can’t even consider going to bed. And if they’re hard wired to be night owls, then it is impossible for them to go to sleep before 8:30 or 9:00. If twelve hours of sleep are required for adequate brain development in toddlers, then we will not be raising future rocket scientists.
They obviously don’t have children who refuse to eat anything but variations of cheese on bread. Such children will not comply with rules regarding good nutrition. They are far more patient than parents when it comes to the choice of eating their green beans or leaving the table to play. They would rather sit at the table until dawn than eat something they deign to be “yucky.”
They must not have children who would be naked at all times if clothing wasn’t forced upon them. It’s flat out logic that a child who knows how to dress himself will realize that he also has the ability to get undressed at any time. Actually, this is inevitable, but keeping them in the dark about how to put pants on by themselves could buy a little time before they learn that they can take them off. It’s never about learning – it’s always about keeping people in pants.
They forget that the fastest way to improve behavior is to offer bribes. It’s a short term solution, but when your three year old is having a tantrum in the middle of a crowded restaurant, you’re not really thinking long term. And seriously – when you’ve been listening to three kids screaming for 30 straight minutes, I dare you to NOT offer them candy.
and
They never tried Prozac.
OMG I just clicked on your blog right when I you updated it! And I LOVED this post. Since I’m only mom to one little blob who isn’t able to motor herself around yet, I’m not practicing what THEY’RE preaching, but I’m sure when the time comes I’ll wonder who the hell THEY think they are anyway! My favorite line of the post is: “It’s never about learning – it’s always about keeping people in pants.” hahaha!
You are awesome Kate. You come across as being very down to earth – and I love that! I hate all these “perfect” mommy bloggers. We can see through the facade.
Well, I don’t even think “they” have any kids!!
OMG. I am laughing my head off – circadian rhythms, time out consistency, all of it. Thank you for saving today’s sanity!
who are THEY anyway! THEY sure know how to put pressure on us.
I agree. They need to get a clue.
Perfect Kate!!!!
Totally agree. It’s so hard.
With the eating, I have such a hard time with my oldest. My mother is mortified at all the things he does not eat. I do multivitamins and all kinds of fruit/vitamin/veg smoothies to get nutrition into him.
I loved this. I think They have never actually had children.
My little Bunny will “go to bed” at 8 but will not actually fall asleep until 9:30 or 10 and then wake up at 6. I can’t force her to get 12 hours of sleep, heck I’m lucky if she gets 9 or 10 hours.
I often wonder where “they” live, and with who’s children? Where ever it is, it sounds like Utopia.
Agreed… “they” suck and “they” have no clue. Mine love Yo Gabba Gabba, finally and we so need that time. Where did you find an hour long YGG dvd? Ours are only 30 mins… spill you secret stash now!! Bedtime before 8 is overrated and def not the norm at my house! I love this post – as usual you are awesome!
I love the image of the rotating time-outs with the others climbing up on the table. I think “They” are actually droids and their kids are little R2D2s scooting around saying, “Yes, Master”.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! Thank you so much in post I lost so much guilt.For some reason I was just beating myself over many of these things. You made me day you really did.
You must have been reading my mind. I’ve often thought about “they”. I laugh when I say it myself. I keep thinking that “they” must have only had one docile child because when you add 1 or more children to the mix all bets are off. They feed off of each other.
Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone. I’m a very determined person and the kids throw me off my game every.single.day and I’ve become discouraged. Gotta get my groove back on somehow before they overrun the house. As if they haven’t already.
Rock ON, Kate.
They are stooopid and you are brilliant.
*they* are clueless!
And if I hear one more person on TV tell me to turn my TV off…I’m going to kill someone! The TV saves my life some days…..
I think as parents… we do the best we can and the most important thing we can do for our kids is give them compassion, love and our time. Throw in a little TV and some bribe brownies and you have happy kids.
they need to go away. sometimes i think the worst ‘theys’ are the ones in my head — not actual people telling me these things, but me thinking those things are the only options all the time
Great punchline! I love it.
They also say I probably shouldn't have had M&Ms for lunch. Well, what did I GROW UP then? So I can eat candy for lunch if I want!
I completely agree with you, Kate! And, I have always thought that “they” do not have any kids!
I love this post – makes me feel so much better about all the “guilt”, this is what I love about Blogland you come across other people going through the same stuff at the same time, thinking the same thoughts.
guess what? THEY have NEVER had kids.
Bribe, cheat, lie and steal. Whatever it takes to make it OUT ALIVE!!!
oh, and vodka.
I love you.
amen – thanks !!!
AWESOME!!!!
That was seriously awesome Kate. And how very right!
Hands down, one of your top posts. I’ve been having huge problems with my kid and THEY all tell me one thing and then another and NONE of it works b/c THEY are not a single parent with an out of control kid and no one in the fucking state to come over and help you.
Love this post!!! Who do they think they are, anyway??
Oh Kate, you’ve been watching us this week haven’t you. LOL so true, loved it! and amen about the prozac!! =]
You totally just made me feel better on my ‘mom skillz’ thanks!
its been a day
Ilike this post! As a living breathing mommy guilt carrier I am always feeling that THEY are right and that I am wrong.
Whew!
So glad its not just me!
-r
great post….hopefully “they” would agree
I wholeheartedly agree, and you know what?
I bet They don’t even have kids. And if They do, I bet we’d find a box of Kraft in Their pantry and an emergency Blue’s Clues DVD stuffed behind Their couch.
So maybe They should learn when to keep Their mouths shut.
This was alot of fun to read, Im really glad I stumbled on your blog, I am definently going to come back!
Acck! A break in the storm of guilt!
I feel so much better after reading this.