Tag Archives: Lists

Weeks Later…I’ll Jump Right in…

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Okay – several things…

First? A couple of months ago when I said that my surgery was so easy and no big deal and I would happily do it again for the two days in bed in nothing else? That was the Percoset talking. The healing process sucks.

I still need to hold my incision scar when I cough (high five allergy season! It’s been a blast). And when I sneeze. And when I laugh… It’s annoying. Also? I’m sometimes hobbling by the end of the day because I have the hubris to think I can stand for more than five minutes at a time. I mean – I’m going to be forty next year, not EIGHTY!

Since I am not really into being sick, hurt or injured in any way, I thought I’d better check in with my doctor to make sure I’m not doing anything to prolong recovery time. And the good news is that I’m not. The bad news is that it may take a long time to heal completely and I may always have little aches and twinges (check back often for my imminent weather predictions, “My bum ab is acting up again – looks like a storm’s coming our way…”)

Seriously though. I’m fine and I’m not really all that bothered by any of this – I just wanted to get reassurance that it’s still okay to lift my 60 lb. six year old off his bike and drag him upstairs at bath time. You know – the everyday parenting stuff. And I did. Get reassurance, that is. But she did say something technical about ligaments and anti-inflamatories that resulted in a decision that I should take Motrin for a week.

One would think that in the two times I’ve been out since that appointment I would actually make the effort to buy the Motrin…but I guess I’ve been too preoccupied with more pressing concerns such as whether I was really in the mood for a Starbucks coffee or if I should pick up another case of magic erasers for what has become the great wall cleaning event of 2011.

So with little interest in dragging the twins back out in the rain, I decided to see what was in our medicine cabinets. And I did find Motrin! But it was Motrin PM. I don’t think I can even take that in the evening as it says on the label the you should only use it if you plan to have “a full night’s sleep.” What is that? I stay away from medicine with directions I don’t understand. I’ll have to figure something else out.

In other news – we went to Key West for a week and I wrote a rather negative post about how tired I was. And that was all true – but there was also plenty of fun in there. Like this:

Wait – that wasn’t the fun part… I meant, like this:

And related to Key West – I FINALLY finished all of that data entry for the online shop AND launched the new Style Key West website!

Please add the blog to your reader. I’ll be posting daily – and even if you’re not really into the decor thing, I could use some followers (and don’t forget FaceBook and Twitter)!

Finally (third – or last), I recently confirmed that I will be able to attend BlogHer in August. I’m so excited and currently trying to convince a number of my friends to join me. Will you be there? I’d love to see you.

Now that I’ve got the Style Key West site up and running, I’m going to try to get back to blogging regularly here. Though as evidenced by this snore of a post, I’m already a little rusty after a few weeks. We’ll see…

Giving it my .01% – or – 2010: The (Blog) Year in Review

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I should have done this a few weeks ago… But better late than never.

2010 was an eventful year for The Big Piece of Cake:

I decided that it’s actually okay now to look like “somebody’s mother.”

I found a nursery CD that brought back some of the best and worst days of my life.

We (barely) survived snow prison.

I considered some pearls of wisdom and compared them to the ones I hold in my heart.

I stopped picking my kids’ noses (well – for the most part).

My oldest “baby” turned FIVE.

My oldest baby continues to turn my world upside down (and inside out and backwards).

I paused again and again to ask who/what/where/why and ended up looking to my baby ballerina who doesn’t wear pants for guidance.


Chris almost died and I had many laughs at his expense.

I died of happiness when my son tortured the neighbor’s cat.

I admitted that I’m not fun.

I could have lost Oliver and nothing about it was funny.

My children almost killed me over the summer and EVERYTHING about it was funny.

I admitted to serious disappointment and envy – but committed to keep trying.

I demanded that people not treat my special needs son like something that needs to be fixed.

There was a super hot lifeguard at the pool. And it made me think (no – not THOSE kind of thoughts!)

For the first time ever, I sent THREE children off to school.





The most disgusting thing ever happened in my house (or my vacuum cleaner to be exact).

George continued to be weird (and demanding).


Eleanor claimed that her name begins with L (among other things).

Oliver continued to “wear the pants” by not wearing them.

George became addicted to Weed.


AND for the first time ever – I finally got a decent picture of my children in front of our Christmas tree and actually mailed a holiday card.

I don’t write about everything on my blog. Sometimes I leave out important things because they’re private and sometimes I over-share. Sometimes I write super long posts that no one reads (even though they’re brilliant – and WHO loses out on that one I ask you?) and sometimes I post stupid pictures that everyone loves. Sometimes I think I have nothing to say, but somehow surprise myself. And sometimes I have ideas, but never follow up on them.

My blog is about .01% of my life – but I like to think it’s the best, worst and most honest .01%. It’s a scrap of my life – but one with some interesting detail. One with some character in the texture and color. One that might be useful, and definitely worth stuffing in a pocket just in case.

Thanks for reading my .01% I like the idea that I might be in your pocket. At the very least, I’m good for wiping tears and snot. Just ask my kids.

Theoretically Speaking, "They" are Awfully Judgey

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They say that you shouldn’t let your children watch too much television, and should instead engage them in educational games to cultivate creativity and intellect.

They say that you should always be consistent with discipline, as it will instill an understanding of consequences.

They say that you should make sure your little ones go to bed as early as possible so that they can get a full 12 hours of sleep. (So necessary for brain development, you know!)

They say that you should feed your children well balanced meals with plenty of fruits and vegetables. (Duh! Brain development.)

They say that you should start teaching your children to dress themselves when they turn two. It’s okay if they don’t master it immediately – it’s all about learning.

They say that you shouldn’t bribe children with treats because it ultimately rewards bad behavior.

and

They say that when it comes to the frustrations of parenting, laughter is the best medicine.

This is all great in theory, but…

They are forgetting the fact that very few children are able to amuse themselves independently with educational games. So if a parent needs a block of time to get something done without interruption, then television is the PERFECT solution. Nothing silences a room full of kids like an hour of Yo Gabba Gabba.

They assume that there is time to commit to consistency. For most parents, this is in fact false. If your oldest son refuses to listen to you when you tell him to get off the table, then yes, you should give him a time out. But if he will not stay in time out without direct supervision, then you must stand next to him. Your younger children will then take this opportunity to climb up on the table too. When you leave the time out area to reprimand the other children, the first one will leave his position in time out. And of course climb back up on the table – because you know, everyone else is doing it. This could result in rotating children in and out of time out for long stretches of time, and SOMEONE has to make dinner.

They must not arrive home from work and daycare pick up after 6:00 p.m. Children have internal timers and will know that only one hour has elapsed if you hustle them into the bedtime routine before 7:30. It is a scientific fact (that I just made up to justify my children’s circadian rhythms) that children need at least 30 minutes of playtime before and after dinner. Otherwise, they can’t even consider going to bed. And if they’re hard wired to be night owls, then it is impossible for them to go to sleep before 8:30 or 9:00. If twelve hours of sleep are required for adequate brain development in toddlers, then we will not be raising future rocket scientists.

They obviously don’t have children who refuse to eat anything but variations of cheese on bread. Such children will not comply with rules regarding good nutrition. They are far more patient than parents when it comes to the choice of eating their green beans or leaving the table to play. They would rather sit at the table until dawn than eat something they deign to be “yucky.”

They must not have children who would be naked at all times if clothing wasn’t forced upon them. It’s flat out logic that a child who knows how to dress himself will realize that he also has the ability to get undressed at any time. Actually, this is inevitable, but keeping them in the dark about how to put pants on by themselves could buy a little time before they learn that they can take them off. It’s never about learning – it’s always about keeping people in pants.

They forget that the fastest way to improve behavior is to offer bribes. It’s a short term solution, but when your three year old is having a tantrum in the middle of a crowded restaurant, you’re not really thinking long term. And seriously – when you’ve been listening to three kids screaming for 30 straight minutes, I dare you to NOT offer them candy.

and

They never tried Prozac.

Me, Me, Me, Me and Me

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Auds at Barking Mad is doing a great giveaway right now. A $250 gift certificate to Target! I don’t know about everyone else, but we are really feeling the effects of this recession – and that gift certificate to Target would buy a lot of diapers….(yes – my two year old twins are still in diapers, what of it?)

The only requirements are to post the badge (see my sidebar – the badge will link to “the rules”) and list your own five favorite posts. This means five posts that YOU wrote, so no worries about offending the readers that you didn’t pick or guilt over “tagging” people. This really appeals to my sense of vanity – which is vast (when I’m not focused on self loathing).

Anyway – here they are:

1. Kate and Oliver’s Excellent Adventure: Part 1 – I wrote this just a week after I started my blog. I had just found out that my mother’s cancer had come back (this time in her brain) and within 24 hours of hearing the news, flew down to Key West with my three year old, Oliver. I wrote the post in two different segments during the trip and after our arrival. I had about three readers at that time and it had ZERO comments. I think it deserves another look – so if you feel so inclined…the link is above.

2. Please Dance Responsibly – Again, written in the early days of The Big Piece of Cake. I love this one because I tell a story about my Dad that is legendary in my family. I think I could write a whole blog devoted to my father – he’s a character…

3. Make Mine a Double: Part One and Make Mine a Double: Part Two – I know, this would technically be two posts – but they’re two parts of the same story so I’m counting them as one. The birth of my twins was rather eventful (starting with the fact that my water broke while I was getting my hair cut). It’s a lot funnier in retrospect…

4. Never Underestimate the Power of a Girl – This makes me happy when I read it. And it reminds me of who I once was and who I want to be.

5. Is Nothing Sacred – This post started out as an idea to compare my kids to gremlins and use pictures from the movie, Gremlins to illustrate my point. But it ended up being more than that. It was one of those mind dump posts that makes you think you should write that way more often.

Runners up include pretty much everything listed as a “favorite” on my sidebar. I would have included a post last week titled Special Needs, but I just wrote it last week, so I decided to leave it out. I’m also pretty partial to my post on tattoos and piercings last week, but mainly because I just love that Elvis impersonator story so much…

If you’re interested in doing this – contest or not – I would be interested to see what other people consider to be their best. And honestly, I think I’ve used up all of my giveaway karma with a HUGE win the other week, so I’m not feeling particularly competitive about this one. Good luck to everyone that plays!

More Random Things About Me

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As a continuation of the “Twenty Five Things About Me” post from yesterday, here are 12 more things about me:

14. I had an unfortunate short haircut in the fifth grade that made me look like a somewhat chubby ten year old boy. No photographs of me from that time exist. I think I destroyed all of them (and the negatives) when I was a vain teenager.

15. If I’m carrying boxes or bags into the house from the car, I feel compelled to do this in as few trips as possible. One trip is my goal. It is not uncommon to see me staggering up my steps with 20 grocery bags draped over my arms. (And my parking spot is about 10 steps away from my door)

16. As much as I love the internet, I still prefer flipping through magazines and catalogs to scrolling through websites.

17. My mother is my best friend. Even though I did go through a really bitchy phase in high school when I criticized her clothes. According to her, that is. I have no recollection of this, but I’ll take her word for it.

18. Sometimes I say things in business meetings and think “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” Usually people look at me like, “she really knows what she’s talking about.”

19. I love the beach – but I don’t really like swimming in the ocean (see #9 re: sharks).

20. I’m fairly certain that I have the most adorable children ever born.

21. When we were engaged, my husband and I took a dance class and I loved it. Not only did I love it – I discovered that I’m really good at it. It’s a talent that would have gone undiscovered if not for the class. Unfortunately, Chris hated it and our future as the next Fred and Ginger ended before it ever got off the ground. I sometimes have a sick little fantasy that one of my sons will be gay and take me out dancing in my golden years (gay guys do that right? I’ll have to ask one of my gay friends…)

22. I can’t remember numbers in long sequences. It requires a lot of effort on my part to memorize phone numbers.

23. I love travel – especially international travel – but I do tend to get a little nervous on planes. Unless I’m sitting in business class – then I just drink a lot of wine. Once when I was on a flight crossing the Atlantic, we had terrible turbulence. I just kept accepting the drink refills that the the flight attendants were offering and watched the first movie that appeared on my screen. It’s amazing how funny Monster’s Inc. is when you’re wasted.

24. I watched Homeward Bound with my kids about 20 times over the weekend and I always cry at the end when Shadow appears on the horizon – just when they think he couldn’t make it. In fact – I’m tearing up just thinking about it. (If you haven’t seen it before, I apologize for the spoiler.)

25. I usually fall asleep on my back with feet tucked up under my knees (like sitting “Indian style” but lying down). I think this started when I was little and so afraid of the dark that I couldn’t bear to have my feet anywhere near where the covers ended (just in case something tried to reach in). Then it probably had more to do with the fact that my feet are like ice when I first get into bed and this is the only way that I can warm them (unless my night owl husband happens to be in bed early – then I just put my feet on him). I know it looks bizarre – but for some reason I find this position very comfortable.

Not the strongest finish – but I’m having a busy day…

I’m not tagging anyone since I think EVERYONE has done this (or is ignoring everyone that tagged them). But if you haven’t been hit by the 25 Things About Me Facebook tsunami, feel free to say that I tagged you.

So What Have I NOT Told You About Myself By Now?

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Several of my friends on Facebook tagged me for “Twenty Five Things About Me” (and possibly a blog friend or two – but I can’t remember…) Anyway – I feel compelled to do this. So here it is:

Twenty Five Things About Me

1. I have never colored my hair. Not once. Not even highlights. I made the conscious decision to wait until I got older and “had to.” My grandmother once said to me, “dear – I hope you won’t color your hair…I DO think that gray hair can be awfully attractive.” I concurred with her opinion as I was expected to, but in my heart, I knew that I will never go gray. I’ll go RED!

2. I pick favorites among my children. But it changes every 30 seconds – so I figure it evens out in the end.

3. I was the only girl in my high school class who didn’t wear boxers under her uniform skirt. I thought they made me look fat. Sadly this caused a very embarrassing incident for me in The Quad one day when a big gust of Spring air gave all of nearby construction workers a view of my not fat thighs.

4. I dream of having a career that I love. But I only started thinking about this in the past few years. Prior to that I was fairly apathetic about the connection of my job to my sense of identity. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign of a midlife crisis.

5. I have already confessed to an obsession with recorded books. I listen to plenty of current fiction, but one of my favorite authors for listening is Jane Austen. Even though I have actually read all of her books and know the stories well, I find something very soothing about hearing them read in a clipped English accent. Is it me or do days of nothing but needlepoint and gossip by a roaring fire sound really appealing sometimes?

6. I wish I knew how to do needlepoint or embroidery. I would create fabulous throw pillows and whip up Anthropologie-quality tops out of plain vintage shirts and embroidery thread. I should have learned these skills when I had the time…

7. I like being by myself and tend to treat a night on my own like a personal slumber party. After I put the kids to bed and clean up, I’m all about raiding the refrigerator for junk food, giving myself a pedicure and watching “girl movies.” Of course, my husband doesn’t travel that often – so I might have a different attitude if these personal slumber parties were more frequent.

8. I can’t stand gum. I find it revolting. The way it looks just hanging out in someone’s mouth, the sound of it snapping and even the smell of it. ESPECIALLY the smell of it if it’s fruit flavored or even worse, bubble gum. The smell of bubble gum flavored anything makes me want to pass out. Not to make light of actual torture, which is not funny and a terrible reality from which I am lucky to be sheltered…but seriously, I think you’d have to pull out a few of my molars with pliers before I’d allow you to put a piece of bubble gum in my mouth.

9. I have an incredibly high suspension of disbelief threshold when it comes to books, movies and television story lines, but I do tend to obsess over everyday details that I find a little too unbelievable. For example, I can enjoy pretty much anything from Harry Potter to Lost; but I just can’t get past how the Cosbys had all those kids and a TV in their living room, but their couch always looked so clean.

10. I’m terrified of sharks. A condition that has grown worse as I’ve gotten older. All of those news reports about shark attacks in Florida a few years back didn’t help.

11. This blog is the first real writing that I’ve ever done outside of business documents.

12. My wedding cake was the best dessert I’ve ever had in my life: chocolate cake with fondant icing and a buttercream and marzipan filling. I knew that I wouldn’t get a chance to have any at the reception, so I asked my planner to make sure that there was a large piece waiting for me in my room at the end of the night. This was quite possibly one of the brilliant ideas I’ve ever had in my life.

13. My writing style tends to be a little verbose. So “25 Things About Me” can be loosely translated into “Twenty Minutes of Your Life That You Will Never Get Back.” Therefore I will be breaking this into two posts. Check back tomorrow more for 12 more things about me!

Famous Last Words

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I don’t know if they’re famous – but they have definitely been documented and acknowledged. I have gone on record as not liking memes. But I haven’t had much time to think about blogging this week (damn that day job) and I don’t have the will to dredge up anything in the way of inspiration tonight. So Q&A it is!

The first meme I was tagged for came from my favorite blog commitaphobe, Regardez Moi. She has decided to take a blogging hiatus two times in two weeks. AND postponed a guest post for me oh, mmmm….about….TWICE in two months. But what can I say – she is one of my favorite online friends and I think I’d forgive her pretty much anything. And when she decides to reopen the doors of Regardez Moi (which could happen at any time from three days to 30 days) – I will hold her at gunpoint for that damn guest post. I will not be ignored (name that movie – I’ve quoted it before).

So here is my first real meme:

All About Me

10 years ago: I was 26 years old and hadn’t been dating my now-husband, Chris for even a year yet. I can’t remember that much about what I was doing at this time since it was a blur of going out to dinner at restaurants without kids’ menus and meeting friends out for drinks. Oh right – and shopping at stores that don’t carry both women’s apparel AND dog food. It was like heaven, or Eden. Or a Disney movie.

8 years ago: I was 28 and had just gotten married. I was horrified by how much weight I managed to gain on my two week honeymoon in Spain (I mean – it wasn’t a TWO MONTH honeymoon in Spain). Apparently red wine and cheese aren’t diet food. Who knew! I was also vowing to never fly anywhere on Spanair again. I don’t know what it’s like now, but at the time, I explained it as: “I sat down in my seat, and then someone sat in my lap, and then someone sat in their lap…and so on and so on. Like a Breck commercial with no leg room, 30,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean. When one of us wanted to recline and sleep, we all had to recline and sleep. And I wasn’t all that sleepy. I was too busy eating leftover cookies from my reception.

6 years ago: I was 30! I had been 30 since April though, so I was very worldly and jaded about it. Very “been there, done that.” I didn’t mind turning 30 at all. To me it was like being given a youth pill. Suddenly I was in a brand new context. I was in my “thirties” and I was the youngest thirtysomething around. I was like a baby to the thirties…a novice…an ingénue. I’m telling you – this age thing is all about context. Don’t compare yourself to people ten years younger than you. Compare yourself to people ten years older than you. THAT’S the ticket.

2 years ago: I was 34. Feeling like less of an ingénue, but too busy with my 18 month old son and newborn boy/girl twins to care. I may as well have been 94 at that point. I just wanted to sleep. I was on maternity leave and tried to follow the “sleep when the baby sleeps” rule. But guess what? Twins don’t sleep at the same time. So I generally looked like something from one of those Night of the Living Dead movies. And I barely ever left the house, unless I needed to go to Babies R Us. Which actually sounds like the beginnings of a plot for a horror movie – so I was already halfway there. But seriously – newborn twins! It was a magical time.

Five yummy things:
1. Egg nog lattes from Starbucks. I LOVE egg nog – could drink a gallon of it. Grossed out? Good – more for me.
2. Italian ricotta cookies with sugar frosting. I make them every holiday season.
3. Chocolate and heath bar blizzards from Dairy Queen.
4. Honey mustard anything (sandwich spread, salad dressing…anything – I’ll eat it with a spoon).
5. Red wine

Five songs I know by heart [that aren’t on any of my kids’ DVDs]:
1. Blue Bayou by Linda Ronstadt
2. Begin the Beguine (I prefer the Ella Fitzgerald version though, and couldn’t find a link to anything that does it justice. No even to close. So just buy an Ella CD.)
3. Best of my Love AND Desperado (Eagles) – there are more, but those are the ones that I will sing first.
4. September (Earth Wind and Fire) – actually I LOVE Earth Wind and Fire, but this is the only one that I know by heart
5. Beyond the Sea (Bobby Darin)
*I know my answers to this category sound really lame (not ONE song from the past five years) – but I was trying to be honest about knowing all the words. And these were the first five that came to mind.

Five places I would like to escape to [there are TOO MANY – so I’m listing five places where Chris and I have had great vacations]:
1. Spain of course! Andalucia with a long stay in Seville.
2. Quebec City
3. Italy (Anywhere really – but we were only in the Milan area together and we had a lovely weekend in Stressa.)
4. Iceland. No seriously – have you ever been there in March? It’s so cold that pretty much anywhere you go is amazing – if only for the reason that you are just thanking god that you’re not outside anymore. Freezing cold aside, Reykjavik was a fun city and we toured the surrounding area as well (lots of cool Viking history and GEYSERS! Who doesn’t love geysers?) And we went to the Blue Lagoon on our way to the airport. There is nothing like sitting in a hot spring while it’s snowing and people in parkas are walking around. Seems I have a lot to say about Iceland… Either I really loved it or feel defensive about my choice to include it in this list…
5. Rehoboth Beach, DE – but only if my friend Nancy comes with me.
6. BONUS: How could I leave out London – after I just wrote about our fine dining experiences there? I’ve never had a bad time in London (in all of the 2.5 times that I’ve been there I mean). Who wouldn’t love a place where even small children use words like “lovely” and “brilliant?”

Five things I would never wear:
1. Bangs or feathers in my hair (Does hair count?)
2. Boyfriend jeans – especially if they’re pegged (Famous last words again?)
3. Mother/daughter outfits
4. Purple
5. piercings that aren’t in my ears (Ouch! My various body parts hurt just thinking about it.)

Five favorite TV shows:
1. Lost
2. Heroes
(I know – nerd alert!)
3. Brothers and Sisters
4. Ugly Betty
5. Grey’s Anatomy
*I’m very mainstream when it comes to TV. And really girly when I think about it. My old favorites have included Designing Women, Friends, Felicity, Gilmore Girls and Sex & the City. I am on estrogen overdrive when it comes to TV.

Five things I enjoy doing:
1. Reading
2. Traveling (Even the actual travel part – I can read on a plane and listen to a book on tape in the car.)
3. Going out to dinner with my husband (Not that we’ve done that in like three years.)
4. Writing
5. Shopping (This sounds kind of obvious – but I really do love shopping. I’ve never had a runner’s high in my life. But a shopping high? Absolutely.)

Five Favorite toys:
1. Laptop
2. iPod
3. Jewelry and eveningwear (What – you don’t play dress up?)
4. Us Weekly
Okay I’m having a hard time with this one. I don’t really like toys or games. I’m just not a very playful person.

Five people who I am tagging to fill this out:
1. Anastasia at The Gift (to get her back for tagging me on the SECOND meme that I have to do
2. Marinka at Motherhood in NYC
3. Baking with Plath
4. Cyndy at Photocynthesis
5. Jessie at The Lucky Stone

That was a long meme! I’ll have to get to the second one tomorrow. And if you’re interested in doing this one? I tag you as honorary #6.

I’m that Mom: Part II

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Yesterday I started a list of reasons that I’m not winning any awards for mother of the year. I had to cut it short because I was starting to feel depressed. Or more accurately, because I wanted to stretch this material for a couple of days to free up more time for work, I mean, my kids. Here are ten more things that make me “that mom.”

11. I’m that mom who threatens my three year old with naps even though he hasn’t napped in over six months and I have no intention of following through.

12. I’m that mom who will finally break down and offer my children candy if it will make them submit to my will.

13. I’m that mom who will bring my kids out to run errands before cleaning the magic marker off of their arms and legs.

14. I’m that mom who says I won’t let my kids taste raw cookie dough because “it’s not good for them” – when what I really mean is that I’m afraid that they’ll find out that it is in fact, much better raw. Then I eat some when they’re not looking.

15. I’m that mom who will let my toddlers play with things they shouldn’t (i.e. our cell phones, the dishwasher, the clean laundry, toothpicks) because I’d rather have them be happy and quiet than screaming while I try to assert my authority.

16. I’m that mom who will wait until Monday morning to realize that I have no clean school clothes for my son and then madly search through the dirty clothes for something that can pass for clean.

17. I’m that mom who will trick her son into leaving the (dreaded) pet store by saying, “I bet John and Cheyenne [John’s dog] will be out playing ball when we get home.” I’d rather deal with the consequences of that later in my own house where it doesn’t smell like gerbil poop.

18. As a continuation of #17, I’m that mom who will let her son believe that we are going to the park or the pet store, when we are actually going to Target or daycare. I don’t TELL him that we’re going where he thinks we are – I just don’t tell him that we’re NOT. So it’s not a lie as much as an omission. Right?

19. I’m that mom who answers my daughter’s thousands of calls for “MOMMY!” with “ELEANOR!” instead of just saying, “what is it honey?” And then she answers my “ELEANOR!” with another “MOMMY!” And because I find this incredibly entertaining I just continue the cycle until we end up enacting a personalized game of Marco-Polo. Except we’re not in a pool. And she knows exactly where I am.

20. I’m that mom who believes that ice cream is the solution for everything. For my children – and myself.

I’m That Mom: Part I

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I have a running list in my head of things that fall under the “what not to do” category of motherhood. Not that I’m saying I’m a bad mother. I do many things well. I’ve had uncounted triumphs, moments of genius and mental high fives. But I often fall short as well. At the very least I’ve had to look at myself from time to time and say “not your personal best, Kate.” Here are some examples:

1. I’m that mom who lets my three year old eat Goldfish crackers for breakfast when we’re in a rush – because “it’s just easier that way.”

2. I’m that mom who allows my nudist children run around in underwear all day as long as they stay inside (although I sometimes have to retrieve them from the front lawn).

3. I’m that mom who doesn’t even bother trying to force my kids to eat vegetables at dinner anymore. They eat them for lunch with that magical woman at daycare – so that takes some of the pressure off.

4. I’m that mom who lets my toddlers believe that Tic Tacs are “candy” and that they’re a BIG TREAT. They will find out about Reeces soon enough.

5. I’m that mom who accidentally locked myself and my twins IN my three year old’s bedroom with him on the outside (you can click to read what happened but if not, don’t worry, we all made it out without tragedy).

6. I’m that mom who hoisted my three year old over a chain link fence rather than walk a mile carrying him while his “accident” soaked through my shirt. More on that one another day…

7. I’m that mom who sometimes skips every other page of the longer bedtime stories because I’m tired and hungry for my own dinner which is at that very moment sitting on the kitchen counter getting cold.

8. I’m that mom who may know the children are doing something in the other room that I expressly told them NOT to do, but pretend I don’t see it so I don’t have to deal with it.

9. I’m that mom who will yell at my children and then hug them and tell them how “good” they are. Just to stay consistent…with the inconsistency.

10. I’m that mom who let my three year old grab all of the tampons that fell out of my purse onto the floor of the car – just because it was easier to let him have them than to try to take them away. Then I had to fight him to get them back once we arrived at the grocery store and I discovered that he had systematically opened each of them and ripped them to pieces. THEN I had to explain everything to my husband when he arrived home with wads of cotton clenched in his hands. Yeah…that was me…

I think I’m going to make this a “to be continued” post. I have more to add – but I like to keep my lists down to ten points apiece. (Plus I’m having a busy week at work and don’t have much time to write my usual novels.)

So come back tomorrow for ten more things that make me “that mom.”

If I Could Take it Back

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If I could take it back, I would never have:
*See update below regarding margaritas.

Watched The Ring.
This was the scariest fucking movie I’ve ever seen in my life. That’s right, I said “fucking.” I rarely say it and never write it – but I really have to make this point. The point being that this is the SCARIEST FUCKING MOVIE I’ve EVER seen. When that black and white girl climbed out of the television, my face actually contorted in the same Silent Scream that that marked the faces of her victims. I have never been so horrified in my entire life. The people that created this movie are sick, sick geniuses. I hate them.

Watched The X-Files episode about the inbred Peacock family.
Oh. My. God. That’s right – I have to resort to an overused blogger’s writing device to communicate just how incredibly scarring this experience was. I watched this episode with a friend and I actually called her at work the next day to find out if she too was thinking of lighting her hair on fire and jumping out of her office window. I spent the day masochistically reliving the entire program in my head. Every small detail – from the moment that the kids playing baseball discover the newly buried monster baby, to the end when the last living brother climbs OUT OF THE TRUNK of his car where he was having a quiet heart to heart with “Mama.” If I even think about the scene in which “the boys” feed Mama chewed up bread, I immediately curl up in the fetal position and begin to weep. Who came up with this idea? The fact that someone actually had this in their brain makes me fear for their sanity. If armless, legless old women that have sex with their mutant sons regularly pop into their heads in a burst of inspiration…Well, I don’t know how they sleep at night.

Read Salem’s Lot.
Noticing a theme here? I don’t like the scary stuff. I will cut myself some slack regarding The Ring which I had thought was “a thriller” when we rented it. And I can usually take the creepy themes of The X Files. But I have had a reccurring vampire nightmare since I was a toddler – so I don’t know what pod person took over my body when I decided to buy this particular paperback. Once I opened the book, I only put it down to sleep or go to work. I read it in two days. On the second day I walked into the apartment after work, picked up the book and didn’t put it down until I finished it. When my husband tried to talk to me, I reacted as if he was interrupting my attempt to deactivate a bomb. Only when I finished reading the last page could I return to the reality of holding conversations with my husband and using the bathroom. Then I proceeded to sleep with a light on for three nights straight. And shades had to be drawn lest I look out the window and see one of the undead scratching on the window pane and asking to be let in.

Agreed to share a pitcher of margaritas with a friend one night in Hoboken.
I have overindulged on occasion. And I have paid for it in unpleasant ways. But I have never before (or since) had the pleasure of puking all over a popular bar town. I’ve seen others do it, and I’ve felt pity for them (poor wretches). I always assumed that they were pathetic degenerates or stupid teenagers. But a 30 year old woman who can kill a couple of bottles of wine with her husband and suffer little more than a headache the following day should be able to have a few margaritas without fear of alcohol poisoning. Nancy (my friend) and I never did figure out how that happened. The waitress at the scene of the crime suggested that we just order a pitcher since it would be cheaper if we each planned to have a couple of drinks (sadistic bitch). So we assumed that they must not be unusually strong. And maybe they weren’t (Nancy didn’t puke her brains out) – maybe I just didn’t eat enough that day. I don’t know, but it was quite possibly one of the most humiliating experiences of my entire life. No matter how fucked up (god – there is that word again – so I must be serious) I was, I knew exactly how awful I looked and the only two words that came out of my mouth were “I’m sorry.” Over and over and over again as I puked over and over and over again all the way from that evil hell hole posing as a Mexican restaurant to the train station (and in the train station and on the train and oh my god if only I had just ordered a diet coke). I think about this often and I always cringe. I really really really wish I could take it all back. But I guess it could have been worse. At least it was just Hoboken.
*Note to eveyone that seems to think that I drank a pitcher of margaritas by myself – I DIDN’T. I shared the pitcher with a friend – which made for about 2 1/2 each. I am stupid – but I’m not crazy. Hope I didn’t scare any of my Mormon friends away…

Told my mother that I DIDN’T want to do a semester in Paris my senior year of high school.
I can’t even write about this without wanting to go back in time and shake that stupid girl senseless. Okay – so I KNOW that I was a bit of a late bloomer and leaving the country for an entire season was a little outside of my comfort zone… But honestly – why couldn’t I have had more self confidence back then? Why couldn’t I have mustered up just a smidgen of adventurous spirit? I have it now. NOW I want to go to Paris for a semester. I’m ready NOW, Mom. And I have no concern that I’ll be missing out on anything going on at home. You know – since I actually stayed home and experienced a whole lot of nothing that semester. Fun nothing of course – but not once in a lifetime, change your perspective of the world SOMETHING. Oh well – I would also go back and rethink those white tights with the jeans skirt – but hindsight is 20/20.

Read The Notebook.
I know – everyone LOOOVED this book, and cried and marveled at a love so strong that it could endure blah blah blah blah blah…this is where I may as well have gone back to Hoboken for satanic margaritas since the whole thing just made me want to puke. I did hear that the movie was great – and maybe I’d prefer that medium for the story. But my distaste for the book has left me with little desire to see it. Years ago when I was talked into reading that syrupy snore festival, I honestly didn’t see what the big deal was. Maybe I was just going through a cynical phase, but I couldn’t get into it. It was SO BORING. And what was the deal with all of those references to how they lived a life “full of love and laughter?” All of that laughter was puzzling to me. I read the whole book and I can promise you, no one ever said anything funny. What could they possibly be laughing about? Anyway – I should have made this one of my Friday Confessions since I will most likely be dragged out of my house and stoned to death for blaspheming the eternal love of what’s her name and don’t remember his either. If I have a few last dying breaths, I’ll be sure to tell everyone what I really think about Dirty Dancing, Atlas Shrugged and Eyes Wide Shut.