Note: If you do choose to read this – please keep in mind that it isn’t a post about a beautiful baby girl who left this world too early. It’s about me and my bad qualities. The beautiful girl and information on how you can help her family are at the end.
I really did mean to write something yesterday – and today…but to be honest, I just haven’t felt like it. Not that I generally report on every lack of inclination to write…but usually my blog neglect is due to being busy or distracted. This time, I’ve just been feeling a little sad.
Sometimes hearing bad news – even when it’s very far removed from your real life – can have that effect. It’s harder to care about what’s going on at work, to be concerned about the fact that your children aren’t wearing pants or to feel inspired to be creative in any way. And then that just builds into a general malaise better suited to college students who can skip class and sleep all day than to working mothers who can’t afford a cleaning service.
I have no business being sad or lazy. But sad and lazy, I am. One day I’m feeling terrible about someone else’s loss, and then two days later I’ve let all kinds of other bad feelings in. Selfish, self indulgent ones that make me add “generally shitty person” to my list of character flaws.
It’s a snowball effect. Or a butterfly effect? Which one relates to eating a pint of chocolate ice cream for lunch? Well either way, sloth and envy saw the crack in my foundation and happily seized upon someone else’s tragedy to kick the woe is me attitude up a notch.
So I haven’t been in the mood to write. And a good thing too since the past few paragraphs are borderline obnoxious. How did my talk of counting blessings and appreciating today get lost in envy of people who don’t worry about money and job security? How can I live with myself, feeling envious of anyone else’s good fortune? Like I said before – I have NO business feeling anything but deliriously happy for another perfect day of so-so.
I think Heather Spohr would take money worries and job dissatisfaction plus a bonus helping of feeling fat over her very real and unbearable grief. And I’m sure Mike would gladly join her in pushing my cement encased body off a pier. I have nothing to complain about when I currently have the rosy fingers of a tomorrow with my children lighting up the horizon.
So basically, I’m disgusted with myself. And I’m this close [insert pinching hand gesture here] to deleting this whole thing and posting a cute picture of a kitten hanging from a tree limb (hang in there blogosphere – it will all turn out in the end)… But sometimes you have to hang out your ugly. People don’t have to look at it if they don’t want to… And I’ll pull it off the line soon enough. Maybe tomorrow. No – definitely tomorrow. I think I’m done with it now. Cathartic writing seems to help. Wish I knew that in high school. (Mmm – maybe not – I can only imagine the notebooks of cringe-worthy angst I would have burn now…)
If you’ve stuck with me so far (and I’m kind of hoping you skipped down to this part…), I’ll leave you with this: there are far better things that you can do with your time than feel sorry for yourself. You can help Mike and Heather Spohr defray the cost of the service for Maddie on Tuesday (which is apparently something like $7K).
I personally, have no extra money to spare at the moment, but I donated a few dollars. There is always something to forgo…a cup of coffee, the more expensive brand of frozen pizza, this week’s copy of US Weekly (although that one really hurts…) And if hundreds of people give a few dollars…
the Spohrs don’t have an income right now. Insta-Mom wrote about this today and provides far more detail, but in her words, “Heather was laid off last year and has been at home caring for Maddie since; Mike is an independent contractor and is understandably not working right now. They have no income. And they have a daughter’s funeral to pay for–an expense for which none of us ever expect to need to save.”
Any support you can give would be a huge help to this family. And they do need it right now.
Me on the other hand… You can ignore my flailing attempts to get back to the pier. I’ll make my way back soon enough – and the ugly will fade as I let the sun dry me off. The warm glow of another tomorrow – even if it’s just one – is always worth the swim back.
All of what you wrote is completely understandable. There is no need to flog yourself for it.
I’m sending you a huge virtual hug right now. I’ve abstained from writing about, or commenting on, any of the myriads of posts written about this because I’ve just been too sad to do so. I think you’re right – you’re experiencing the snowball effect, and I think that’s totally normal behavior – it’s natural. I don’t think you should berate yourself for you feel at all Kate. Your life is yours alone. Your problems are real and affect you. Just because they’re different don’t make them any less valid. Anyway, I understand why you’re upset with yourself, but I really hope you can shake it soon. I hope the fog lifts for your soon, dear friend.
Kate – Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down. Your feelings are just as legitimate as anyone else’s and sometimes we need to wallow a little before we get right back on that horse and live our life.
I could list a hundred things that you’re so lucky for and others would kill for but you already know them, they are your blessings big and small!
big hug.
Between Maddie (which of course, has gotten me down) and a few posts written about mothers shutting up and just effing doing what needs to be done, I’ve been working on counting my blessings and recognizing the value in what I do. Maybe I’ll post about it when it’s a little more lucid or maybe I’ll follow your lead and just stream my consiousness.
In any event, I’m off to send some money to Heather and Mike.
I know how you are feeling. I felt bad writing a regular post yesterday. My life continues even though theirs has stopped and it made me feel bad.
So I’ll join in Christy’s virtual hug. I think we can all use one right about now.
Everyone goes through what you are going through. Everyone. I feel sorry for myself for the most ridiculous things. Then I kick myself in the virtual ass and realize I don’t have it so bad.
Hugs to you, off to donate.
i liked this post. i’m not sure how to find the balance of acknowledging my feelings of sadness or whatever when i compare them to other people’s lives and they are really suffering my stuff is nothing. but i’m still feeling it and it has to be acknowledged somehow, only if to move past it.
It looks like everyone has pretty much said what I wanted to say. I go through these things daily sometimes. I kick myself because I have so much more than others even if I am always totally stressed about work, money, etc. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad.
My eyes aren’t bleeding. This expressed so well how crappy it feels to feel sorry for ourselves when others are suffering so much more. I agree that writing is a great place to vent, even when what we write isn’t pretty. Just thought of the phrase “stream of callousness” rather than “consciousness,” for that is what it is for me sometimes.
xo
I can’t add anymore than has already been said so I will just send you a hug.
*hug sent*
Big hugs, Kate – I have too been sobbing my eyes out today… x
It is sometimes good for the soul to read about others feelings and know that we are all more alike than we are different. I have had many many days of wallowing. I then just make myself wake up the next day, wash my face and move on. Tradgedy can have that effect. Thanks for making me aware of this family and their needs. I just donated and I pray that they get enough to cover their expenses. It is a tough time all over and so many people are going through struggles….if we pull together through it and support eachother we will all be the better for it.
You are such a beautifully empathic person, but you can’t turn grief into self-flagellation. It’s OK to feel sad and to grieve but don’t let it take control and spiral you into the black abyss.. You know the abyss. It’s not good for you or anyone around you. I join you in sending love, sympathy, support and understanding to Maddie’s family even though it’s not possible to understand. Just don’t let yourself turn this into a tearing down of Kate scenario. I love you.
some days are good, and some days are not. We plug along- thanking God for the days we DO have, and questioning why other leave us…
some questions will never be answered…..
I always think that we are harder on ourselves when others face tragedy—it almost makes us feel guilty that we have so much and they have lost so much….
It is a hard situation, but I believe that the Lord knows all these things and tests us all differently. You need to feel good about yourself—and feel thankful for what you are and what you have—-you have been a great friend—you have done what you could—-and that is admirable.
I am SO in the same mood just now. I think it isn’t because we are selfih though I can see why you think it seems like it when there are others who are so much more worse off. I think it is b/c of the fear and anxiety that somehow we could be in that very same spot–there’s a sense of loss of control, like the world has gone mad in a way and every time we read about a family who can’t afford to bury their child b/c of our messed up economy, it is a reminder that things just aren’t how they are supposed to be or how we expected them to be. There is a sense of betrayal, like the rug was pulled out from under us. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel bad b/c our situation is so much better than those we hear about all the time–but it is all a symptom of the world gone whacko and it’s just as much our world as theirs. It’s a very hard time right now for everyone. I think you have the right to a bit of a pity party. If I lived close I would come over and party with you.
I definitely know how you feel. I just had a pity party on my blog, I’m writing every other day, then I come up with a woe is me post?
I have to admit, life is beautiful with the ups and downs, we have to take it for what it is. When we are down, just know a beautiful smile or a sunny day is just around the corner. Hugs!
My eyes are not bleeding. And I appreciate both your honesty and your sense of perspective.
I didn’t skim to the end. I read the whole thing. I really appreciate your honesty, Kate. You hardly ever write about ‘how you’re really doing’, so I’m glad that you did and shared it with us. I just really like you.