Today is Michael Jackson’s memorial service, and there were some morning commute music block tributes on the radio. I enjoyed this immensely and rocked out to Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground), P.Y.T. and Dirty Diana.
But it also made me think about him and his very weird, sad life. I’ve avoided saying anything about his death since I do have some pretty serious thoughts on his life. And it’s not like I’m a newscaster here. I’m not reporting world events (because to people like me who consider reading US Weekly, “catching up on the news,” Michael Jackson’s death is a major world event).
So I haven’t considered writing about it. Until this morning when I was picturing him singing Shake Your Body and then P.Y.T. and then…what happened to him!?
Back to my rather harsh judgement (or opinion really, since I didn’t know him personally and am not in a position to judge – have I missed any disclaimers?)
We’ve all heard that saying, “If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck…”* And at the end of the day, COME ON! There are WAY too many variables going on here for MJ to be completely and perfectly innocent of the child molestation accusations.
If you still think that’s not quite fair, I’ll give you a “duck” example from my own life.
At my last job as a conference planner, I met a man who worked for…oh, let’s say DHS (it was a different office, but I’m all about protecting privacy here – for non-celebrities I mean). I was walking our Annual Expo show floor with a co-worker who knew him, and stopped with her so they could chat.
Since I wasn’t part of the conversation, I had a little time to just observe. He was very handsome and impeccably dressed. His obviously groomed eyebrows were still subtle, so only a woman would be likely to notice. He looked to be in his 30s, but the flat stomach and broad shoulders could easily have walked off a college lacrosse field.
When I came to from this daze of admiration for such a fine specimen of a man, I realized that he was talking about (or more accurately gushing about) his niece and nephew.
So let’s see…beautiful Canali suit, perfect hair and eyebrows, rock hard work out body AND routinely chats about his niece and nephew…yeah – he’s gay.
As we walked away, my friend commented on how gorgeous he was and how she always felt so nervous talking to him – with the raging crush and all. And of course, I said something to the effect of it being too bad for her that he was gay.
And OF COURSE she was incredulous as to why I would think that, and doubted my expertise on the matter. Which is fair enough – because I’m certainly not an expert. I just see a duck who quacks like a duck and form my own conclusions. While no single one of my observations would make me assume that he was gay, all of them together created a rather flaming red flag.
Epilogue: A year later after returning from an international conference where delegates usually brought their spouses, that same co-worker dragged me into an office to tell me that – what do you know – I was right. Mr. Gorgeous arrived on site with his life partner (and a wallet full of pictures featuring the niece and nephew).
Integrity of Kate’s gaydar: 1. Naysayers: 0.**
I would apply this same line of thinking to Michael Jackson being accused of molesting young boys. Let’s review the facts:
- He had no childhood and an physically abusive father.
- He was a child star in an industry where plentiful drugs and loose morals were a given.
- He was the darling of said industry and exposed to who knows how many people with said priorities.
- Sexual predators are everywhere and a child like Michael Jackson would be an easy target for the adults populating his life (admittedly, this is conjecture – but still quite probable).
- He changed his appearance so many times that by the end he was barely human looking.
- He had high profile romantic relationships with female celebrities, also known for being somewhat damaged.
- No one ever really bought these romances which had the distinct air of being more friendship based and possibly just for show (more conjecture – but tell me you didn’t think the same thing).
- He had his first two children with a woman who relinquished all rights as a mother, so I’m going to say there was no romantic relationship there.
- Those children do not look like their father would likely be a black man (or at least not 100%) and the possibility of all three looking so Caucasian is pretty slim (if this statement offends you – pull out your old high school biology text book and read about dominant genes).
- Before even becoming a father, he built an estate called Neverland that would be a fantasy home for children (the child he never got to be).
- He had the monkey thing.
- He had the Liz and Liza thing.
- I could go on and on but the big, bottom line is that he had children, including 12 year old boys sleep over. In his own bed.
Each one of those items is not in and of itself condemning, but all together? It doesn’t sound like this was a man who was able to have normal romantic relationships with women. It does sound like a very sad, damaged person who made some bad choices. And it does sound like a very good candidate for pedophilia.
Again – I’m no expert, so maybe I’m wrong. But when you invite 12 year old boys into the your bed, you kind give up your right to being given the benefit of the doubt.
And on the possibility that he was in fact a sex offender who was able to buy his way out of jail, I wonder how those children, now adults, feel today. Are they rocking out in their car to P.Y.T.? Are they just happy it’s over? Are they in a good place now and able to forgive? That’s their story. One that fell off the radar long ago. And it’s probably for the best since they would at the very least deserve a chance for a normal life now.
I can’t judge Michael Jackson, but I can consider him. I can have pity for the child he never got to be, but also have contempt for the man he chose to be. And I can love the music in spite of the man. My personal opinion can waver on the details and find firmer ground in the big picture. But none of it makes any difference.
Do I think people should be held accountable for their actions? Yes. But after they’re dead? I don’t know… Because that really doesn’t make a difference either. Those of use who are living have a future and when we do look back at the past, we’ll all see different things.
Some will chose to see only the good, and some will choose to see only the bad. But both are there to be seen and considered. And in the end, I choose to see it all. With wide open eyes, and dancing feet.
*I Googled this saying since I wasn’t sure if it was “quacks” or “walks” and discovered that it’s actually a quote from Douglas Adams. And a pretty witty one at that: “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.” I may have known this once – but I don’t tend to retain factoids or information that isn’t relative to my life experience. So sorry Douglas – you just didn’t make the cut.
**Why do I keep talking about gay men on my blog…? I don’t even have that many gay friends now that I live in the burbs and lost touch with most of the hospitality industry contacts from my meeting planning days. Too bad I don’t live in the city anymore – I obviously have some serious fag hag potential going on over here…
Really great post Kate. I have studiously avoided all the reports about his death – which is easy to do since the only channel my TV is ever turned to is HGTV, and thank god they're not doing a neverland tour like I read The Today Show did!
I have sympathy for him missing his childhood, but ever since the incidents with the 12 year old boys in his bed, I lost all respect for him and honestly don't like his music anymore. I know, I'm probably in the minority, but it's the truth.
I'm with ya, dear. While I will always enjoy his music, the man himself is not something I consider a loss from this world.
I am so with you. Love this:
"I can't judge Michael Jackson, but I can consider him. I can have pity for the child he never got to be, but also have contempt for the man he chose to be. And I can love the music in spite of the man. My personal opinion can waver on the details and find firmer ground in the big picture. But none of it makes any difference."
I totally agree. I love his music, I feel sorry about his childhood, I am appalled by the choices he made as an adult, and I feel sorry for those who he molested.
I don't know what happened between the 4 walls of his bedroom, if anything, but I do know that parents who competed for the chance to have their children spend the night with a 40 year old man should be prosecuted for child abuse for pimping out their children for favors, money and attention.
Excellent point David. And one I've thought about many times myself. But that certainly is a whole other post in and of itself…
I agree totally. It is so difficult to consider both sides to a person when they are so extreme and disparate.
I do feel sorry for his lost childhood and his obvious problems with his identity and living in his own skin…. I would not have let my little boys come anywhere near him, though. Not under any circumstance.
I am sick of twitter today, as the funeral is the only thing people are talking about! Your thoughtful look at the good and the bad was refreshing to rad.
This is so tough for me. I grew up with Michael Jackson… his music was a part of my childhood. I think I compartmentalize all of the different facets of MJ – the little boy in the Jackson 5, the Thriller MJ, the MJ that started to over do it with plastic surgery and then really over do it with plastic surgery, then the MJ that was accused of child molestation and finally the man who lived in a fantasy land and had to have been severely depressed and probably certifiably insane.
I don't know whether he molested any children. I just don't know. The pessimist (or is it the realist?) in me says he probably did. But I don't want to believe it.And I honestly just don't even think about it. I can't. I don't think the same man that I loved as a kid was the same man he was when he died. I think he turned into a monster, but I honestly just felt bad for him. He reminds me a little bit of Frankenstein.
So while I understand the anger and the disgust, and the love of the man that was MJ – all I feel is sadness… for him, for his life and for his end.
Excellent post. I feel sorry for the way he was raised, but we all make choices in life, and he sure seemed to make some poor ones.
Kate – Great post. Good for you for saying what a lot of people are thinking but not saying because of the intense media love affair with him after his death.
I loved his music, especially when I was young. I too feel said for the childhood that he missed and the sad family situation he had, especially regarding his father. In the documentary when MJ talked about his fear of his father I could see that this man was devastated by that cruel man.
I hope MJ was just a child inside and that he never molested those boys but the facts are hard to avoid.
great post kate! your observations rock… besos!
I have very mixed feelings about Michael Jackson and the nationwide shiva that we appear to be sitting for him, but I generally disagree with your premise that if it looks like a ducks, etc. And having excellent gaydar doesn't translate to having a pedophile detector, lol.
I have no idea if he abused those children or not–I think it's entirely possible that he had a relationship with them that wasn't abusive–really, no clue. I do know that I wouldn't want my kids around him.
But, and the same disclaimers that you had apply, he was never convicted of any wrongdoing and people certainly tried, and that holds weight with me.
Great post! I've felt so conflicted since his death…
I grew up on his music, and respect him as an entertainer. And I think he got a raw deal in the parent department, which is really sad.
But yeah. I think he's guilty too, and responsible for the choices he made as an adult.
Great post! I think he was a troubled man, and I do not for one moment envy his life. I agree with your statement, I can love the music in spite of the man. He was an incredibly talented musician.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here since my SIL and I had an interesting conversation about this over the weekend.
She had heard stories of Michael being forced to watch his brother's having sex with groupies while on the road. And yes, his relationships with women, as attested to by Brooke Shields were largely asexual.
So here's my thoughts…here is a man who had essentially no childhood and was exposed to sex in a way that probably scarred him for life.
What frame of reference would he have then for what is appropriate or inappropriate around a child? How does he know when sharing a bed isn't appropriate?
He essentially never was a child but was also exposed to sex in ways no child should be. So his frame of reference must have been so far outside the norm.
We may never know the absolute truth one way or the other. But I'd prefer to let his legacy be his music and not the questions about his character.
Since I answered David (by the way – are you my Uncle David? Because that is exactly the keepin’ it real kind of observation he would make) – I think I’ll answer all of you.
Christy – I still really love a lot of his music, and I’ve chosen to think of him from those times as the child/young man that he was. There’s good in everyone – and I think that his music was the best expression of this. But I understand your distaste. It’s hard not to think of the bad.
LiLu – I could probably see the same thing here that I did to Christy directly above. The music will be his true legacy. Everything else that did or did not happen will eventually fade away and only linger as a bit of notoriety.
Mommygeekology – Thanks I love to be quoted. Do you think you could throw that around at the next neighborhood BBQ. Maybe it will catch on…
Cyndy – I think that the choices he made are really the biggest problem. Who is to say if he really did commit any true crimes (I just have one opinion). But he didn’t help himself or the children who stayed with him by crossing lines and creating situations that either he or the parents involved could exploit.
Amy – Thanks – I was a little worried that this would come across as offensive. And maybe it did for some people. But that’s absolutely not what I intended.
Regardez Moi – I think I’ve pretty much said it all above. I just feel sad that a little boy with so much promise could be so exploited and that it would make him the very strange and sad man that he eventually became.
Amanda – Back to choices… You’re very right. We all get the opportunity to make them – no one forces us. But he sure wasn’t given the best foundation, was he?
Anastasia – This was hard to write because I really do have a side of me that says “what if it was all just a scam?” It wouldn’t be the first time a celebrity was slandered for money. But I like everyone else – I have a gut feeling, and I just wrote about that.
Jane – thanks – I always appreciate international kisses.
Marinka – a little harsh, but still absolutely a counter argument well made. Hey – if you’re going to put a strong opinion out there, you have to be ready for some strong disagreement. :) Thanks for your honesty.
Cathy – I’m with you on this…so conflicted. Even though I really only wrote about one side of my feelings on the matter.
Instamom – I didn't know about the groupies – but it doesn't surprise me. And like I said, I find it hard to believe that he was never in all that time abused himself… We won't ever know the truth. And regardless of my opinions on what may or may not have happened with the young boys – I still rock out to PYT!
Kari – I think I’d say the same thing here that I did above to LiLu. At the very least it will be that music that really lasts – not the scandal.
Interesting post. Marinka is so damned smart.
I relate completely to your feelings, and also appreciate Marinka's looking at the facts.
And. If the worst case scenario is true, the victims are revictimized. And MJ's children and families are entitled to a beautiful celebration of their love for him and of his life regardless.
I was talking to a prosecutor here in L.A. and she thought that he didn't molest the boys but definitely had boundary issues, big ones because he was so stunted in his psychological growth. It doesn't sound impossible to me but I have no gaydar and no other kind of dar whatsoever. Just wanted to bring that up. what it means exactly he did and did not do, I have no idea.
I see a lot of child actors here and it is very very sad. These parents, not all, but many, really, let's just say I cannot sit in a room with them and hear them talk about how happy so and so their child is pursuing a career in Hollywood. If they replaced so and so's name with their own, well then now we're talking
Excellent post – I'm glad you wrote this. I feel like while his music was great – music that I will always enjoy listening to – there was something wrong with this man. He could dance – he could put on a show like no one else – he was the entertainer of our time – but. He was very odd. And I for one would not ever let my children go to his "neverland" ranch for a sleepover! I totally do not think he is 100% innocent, either.
The thing that get me about this whole Michael Jackson thing is that nobody cared about him last month. But when he dies? EVERYBODY loves him. I find it disturbing.
I completely concur….
Today, I avoided that TV like the plague and even went out of my way to announce that on my facebook status. Well, that evoked the ire of my 2 fucked up aunts who went out of their way to let me know they were both crying their eyes out watching the debacle, I mean, funeral….
Meh. Those 2 are nuts.
And really, so was MJ.
Wait… can I drop that beloved F bomb here?
I've been wondering whether the details of the molestation case might in fact now be revealed given his death? Not sure about the legalities of that though. Maybe it's best left alone.
I hear what you're saying and I agree – all the signs do point towards a person capable of child abuse. But as much as I can imagine the allegations being true, a small part of me also thinks maybe he did nothing.
Because while it's easy to read some people's truth, MJ has to be one of the most mysterious individuals to ever exist.
And his "normal" was living in Neverland, never being told "no" by anyone and deforming himself so badly he was – as you said – barely human looking.
So for me, either scenario could be true.
I do consider his talent a huge loss.
i am with ya on this one….
in my mind, michael jackson, the one i loved, dressed like (the red jacket and glove), and sang too died a looooong time ago!
My brother's only comment: "One less perv"
And when he was in court for the molestation charges I knew he would be found not guilty simply because if OJ Simpson could be found not guilty then Michael Jackson was going free, too.
I know he was talented and made some awesome music, but then there's all that other stuff.
I think I don't want to admit he was guilty but deep down, I think he was. And I think the reason I don't want to admit it is because I think his family and the world damaged him beyond belief.
And I have to 100% agree with David. Those parents were beyond belief.
Interesting post. It's all so bizarre. One thing is clear though, he had a very sad childhood he didn't seem able to move past.
You said exactly what was in my mind but I hadn't sat down and written. I do find his whole life terribly sad. I wonder what kind of life his children had with him and what kind of life they will have now that he's gone.
(Related: Even if A COMPLETE NOBODY named his kids Prince Michael I, Paris Michael, and Prince Michael II, I would question their sanity. Even without all the other clear red flags waving in regards to his mental health. Seriously? Prince Michael II?)
Great post. And like you, I still love his music in spite of all the happenings. I stop everytime I catch a tune on the radio and I still have my Jackson 5 cassettes (which I can play in my CR-V and yes, the CD player AND cassette player combo bumped it up on my list of choices!) that I can still sing nearly every word to. I think I will never stop loving his music and will probably eventually only think of Michael Jackson as a great musician. Period.
I have felt sorry for him for a long time. Guilty or not, the guy did not understand boundaries.
The watching his brothers have sex part has really troubled me. I think about the Internet and how our kids will be exposed to so much more harmful stuff than we ever were. One image can stick with you for life.
Ann – Wait, are you calling me dumb? Cause it sounded like you said I was fat. Seriously though, I think that his family deserves to pay tribute to everything that was good about him. You don't go to a funeral and hear about the bad times! But if he really did hurt any children at any time, I wonder how they feel about the, how did Marinka put it, nationwide shiva. Of course it's something that child abuse survivors go through all the time – just not to this degree.
bernthis (Jessica) – Another interesting perspective. I've thought about the possibility of his bizarre life leading to a bizarre attitude toward relationships with children as opposed to any actual leanings toward sexual deviancy (especially since those wacko parents are in the mix). But this was written on gut feeling and I picked a side. Couldn't muck it up with too much counterpoint. In the end I tend to advocate for the children and MJ had been an adult for a long time before he started having sleepovers with children.
Loukia – You may have just brought home my true point and a better post title at that: I don't think he was 100% innocent. Do I think he actually had sex with 12 year olds or made them perform the more serious sex acts? No idea. Do I think he crossed physical boundaries with them in some way? Yes. I can't say to what degree that might be (cause – you know – I can't really say if anything happened at all), but even inappropriate touching is considered sexual abuse. I would be very surprised if even that didn't happen.
Christy – What was that line from Dirty Laundry? "It's interesting when people die." Very true.
lifeonthelake – I was thinking that there must be some family rifts over this… Damn Facebook…
LadyMama – This is where I waver. Like I said to bernthis, I wonder sometimes if he was SO f'd up that he really could have had completely innocent relationships with the pre-teen boys and never consider how totally inappropriate it was. Obviously he did – but whether that's all there really was to it is the question for me.
katiet – I think that's how even those of us who think he was guilty are able to compartmentalize. It's like there were two different men, so it's okay to love one.
Kira – I agree – even if he was totally guilty, I never had any doubt that he would win that case. Mainly because there couldn't NOT be "reasonable doubt" – there were so many other f'ed up adults involved not to muddy the waters.
Debbie – "beyond belief" is a term that could apply to so much of this issue…
Kirsten – exactly why I can't have one solid feeling on the matter. There is so much sadness here.
Amy – for some reason I really believe that he was never anything but gentle and kind, and appropriate (for lack of a better word) with his own children. And I can't imagine what this loss must mean to them. His celebrity created a very isolated life for them, and I shudder to think about what the tabloids will do now that they may have more access to the kids.
mel – how funny – I used to base my car selection on whether there was BOTH cassette and CD player too. I will always rock out to PYT. His music from the Jackson 5 through the 80s was a big part of my childhood.
Anna – sorry I missed you. That story about him being made to watch his brothers have sex with women makes me sick. But it also makes me lean more toward my gut feeling about this. Pedophiles rarely have zero exposure to sex with adults whether experienced or observed.
I have issues with this whole media circus thing that's been going on for two weeks now. I keep waiting for SOMEONE to take this all down a notch…. after all, he did a lot of really awful things, even if he was never formally convicted. I believe that he was horribly inappropriate, if not flat out molesting those kids. And yet it's all been pushed under the rug?
For how long, is the question. The backlash will come soon, as it usually does.
I just feel for his children. So young to lose their father.
"I can't judge Michael Jackson, but I can consider him. I can have pity for the child he never got to be, but also have contempt for the man he chose to be. And I can love the music in spite of the man."
Great post Kate. It seems that now that MJ has passed on anyone who wants to admit that he was fallible is accused of being hateful and cruel, when a week ago that was acceptable. The quote above quite aptly describes my opinion as well…pretty perfectly in fact. I am glad I found someone in the blogosphere that is willing to look behind the great music for a minute and see the whole picture…then maybe go back to a little PYT jam session. ;-)
{ Lindsey }
http://greatfullday.blogspot.com
I have exceptional gaydar as well. I'll leave it at that.
Couldn't agree more!
robin – good point, even if he was completely innocent of the charges (which I've never disputed as being entirely possible – I'm just saying what "I think"), he was bizarre and if he was a musical genius with a sad childhood, there wouldn't be nearly so much consideration given to the subject. And the media circus is exactly that – the media capitalizing on news. I often wonder if the only people who are purely greiving for him without any agenda are his children…
mamabird diaries – the ONLY indisputable fact
Lindsey – thanks for that. I do think that his death has stirred up a lot of emotion about what was once a pretty straightforward topic for discussion. And I may have come across as hateful…I do seem to have lost some readers this week… Oh well, it wasn't my intention to offend.
EatPlayLove – I actually don't have exceptional gaydar, I was just making a joke about that. As I said in an e-mail to Marinka, I don't have gaydar, but I do have mediocre deduction skills. And I hope I didn't offend you with my own opinions on the matter. I know that you usually have strong ones yourself!
Midwest Mommy – Apparently you are not one of the readers who stopped following me…
REALLY great post. Knowing that the number 1 highest risk factor for sexual abusers are those who have been sexually abused themselves, MJ's past makes me very very sad.
We can respect and enjoy his music, but also face the reality that his moral compass was pointed far from north and I feel so sad knowing that he died that way.
Eary Pregnancy Signs – agreed. Sadness really underlies all of it – regardless of what did or didn't happen.
Great post, Kate. The "quack like a duck" thing cracks me up—when my husband and I were discussing it, his (cliched) words were, "where there's smoke, there's probably some fire." We're both pretty open-minded on the subject. I saw very extreme posts on news sites, ranging from expressions of devotion to "isn't there any real news, don't you people know there's a war in Afghanistan?!" I do think it's newsworthy. Like his music or not, he was influential in his field for many years, and he probably died at the hands of doctors who had no business giving him the drugs they were giving him—doctors who at the very least should be stripped of their licenses.
Since the birth of my son, I've astounded myself with the growing intensity of my hatred for people who bring to harm to children, so it's strange that this case leaves me with such mixed feelings. If the pedofile up the street testified that he was mentally imbalanced because of his upbringing, I'd say, "To heck with your excuses, own up to your vile behavior" and demand retribution. Yet with MJ (and for reasons having nothing to do with his music, which I wasn't even that fond of), I found myself feeling a little more empathetic. I didn't shed any tears, but the words "good riddance" didn't leap to my tongue, either. Strange.