Maybe it was all of the Listen to Your Mother Show madness (DON’T worry – I will not include all one million posts related to that here) but April was a blur. Good thing I have Facebook to remind me of what I actually did last month…here are the highlights! (What is this? All answers are HERE.)
April 2
1:37 p.m.
Perfect day to vacuum the car.
April 3
7:43 p.m.
You know what’s really fun? Trying to do a new exercise video while your eight year old son watches:
“Wow – you’re really sweaty.”
“Why does it look so easy for them and you’re all [huffing puffing]”
“I just heard something crack.”
April 9
6:48 p.m.
If stopping to grab a coffee on my way to pick my daughter up at gymnastics WHILE WEARING SLIPPERS is wrong…I don’t want to be right. The suburbs have officially won.
April 11
2:08 p.m.
Put some lilac fragrance on in the car a little while ago. Oliver asked, “what’s that smell?” I told him it was me, “I just put on a little perfume – do you like it?” He said, “yeah – you smell like the mall.” Exactly what I was going for…
April 12
2:44 p.m.
Took the kids to the farm to see baby animals. Here is my main complaint about the farm: it smells like the farm. #StillACityPerson
April 15
3:07 p.m.
Who me? Oh…just bending the universe to my will. You know – the usual. Now I have to go steam clean a carpet that smells like dog pee. Some things cannot be accomplished by will alone…
6:56 p.m.
Oliver just walked past wearing his Dracula cape…
Me: Oliver – why are you wearing a cape?
Oliver: So I’ll look like a moray eel.
Obviously.
April 18
12:11 p.m.
Thank god for spray bottle sun block. There is NO WAY Oliver’s hair will get sunburned today.
April 19
12:23 p.m.
George: Mom – I think it’s hard to be you.
Me: Why?
George: Oh – you know…all the stuff you have to do…driving…serving us…
So I guess George really “gets” parenthood.
4:45 p.m.
Eleanor and I are talking about presidents (which – if you know me – is HILARIOUS) and the possibility of our next president being a woman. We agreed that it would be pretty cool. Then she told me that some girls in her class still want a “boy president.” I have no idea how this ever came up (or what that hell is wrong with those girls), but Eleanor has a very practical attitude: “I don’t care about gesture – I just want a good president.” With that settled…now we just have to work on her vocabulary…
April 21
5:56 p.m.
I don’t know what it is about me doing an exercise video that makes my children want to “keep me company.” I already told you about my experience with George’s observations (“wow – you’re really sweaty,” etc….)
Then the next week, Oliver decided to watch. I don’t know what was worse – George’s critique or Oliver’s hysterical laughter. I’m going to say Oliver wins since he also insisted on periodically wiping the sweat from my brow with a dish towel that (from the smell of it) I’d been using to wipe kitchen counters all week.
I have to say though – the rock bottom moment of humiliation came courtesy of Eleanor. She graced me with HER presence yesterday. And when Jillian Michaels assured, “if you stay with this, you’ll REALLY start to see results,” my daughter looked at me, wrinkled her pert little nose and asked, “do you think you’re seeing results?”
Well – no one ever told me that having kids would be good for my ego…
April 23
9:02 p.m.
Earlier today in the car we saw a minor accident by the side of the road…
George: Uh oh. Looks like a bumper accident.
Me: You mean a fender bender?
George: Yeah – that’s what I meant – a thunder bender.
Life must be so much more interesting when viewed from inside George’s brain…
April 24
10:34 a.m.
At my local 7-11 making note that if I ever need a last minute cowgirl hat, they have me covered.
April 25
2:40 p.m.
How we’re accessorizing the living room coffee table these days…
4:48 p.m.
A fairly accurate representation of what I’m like (at least on the inside) the week prior to Listen to Your Mother DC. “I’ve got a medical condition alright – it’s called CARING TOO MUCH!” Everyone going to my 25th high school reunion tonight should be afraid. Very afraid.
Parks & Rec: Crazy Craig [sorry – no embedding allowed]
April 26
5:47 p.m.
Some of my closest friends from high school right there – and I swear, not one of us has aged a day. Right now six inner 18-year-olds are screaming in revulsion because, “Eewwww! So old!” But screw them. We look fab.
10:16 p.m.
Listening to my 20-something (I could have been her teen mom) honorary daughter, Alex Tudor explain to Chris what a “crop top” is. I have no idea what he was doing in the 80s… We’ve come full circle in fashion trends and he’s still clueless? (disclaimer: Alex does not wear crop tops)
April 27
4:17 p.m.
George: Mom! Jack and I just did science!
Me: [with great trepidation] What…?
George: We tested bouncing – which bed is bouncier: mine, Oliver’s, Eleanor’s, yours or the mattress [air mattress]!
Me: Which was bounciest?
George: MINE!
Of course it was.
April 28
9:05 p.m.
Thank you for all of the birthday wishes! It made “a regular Monday” feel a lot more festive.
The kids were horrified that I made them go to swim lessons even though it was my birthday (I mean – it wasn’t THEIR birthday) but forgave me when I asked Chris to have an ice cream cake waiting at home. Before I blew out my big #3 candle (the only candle he could find) I opened my present. It was a pretty summer dress that Chris spent “at least 15 minutes” picking out for me at Ann Taylor. When I held it up and asked Eleanor what what she thought, Miss Honesty said, “looks a little small.” You know I love that stuff – best laugh of the day. Her backpedaling made it even funnier. I never got any cake since we actually WENT OUT (thank you Alex Tudor!) for a lovely dinner. When we came home, Alex was like, “you’re already back??” because she is in her early twenties and doesn’t understand that people in their forties eat a lovely dinner and then come home. I think I was asleep by 10:00. And it was glorious.
Now I’m back to the reality of OMG I have SO much to do for Listen to Your Mother on Sunday! Are you local and want to give me the BEST belated birthday present ever? Then you will forgive me for these last few days of blatant self promotion AND come see me at the show – and afterward at Edgar Bar at the Mayflower where I will probably drink A LOT.
April 29
7:33 p.m.
Right now, Oliver is playing outside and wearing what looks to be a large sheet of dry cleaner plastic, poncho-style because obviously he’s a jellyfish. And yes it did occur to me that my child is running around the neighborhood wearing garbage…
Whatever. You do you, Oliver. You just do you.