*Disclaimer: I know that I said I wouldn’t write anything else about BlogHer until I returned, but this isn’t about the conference. It’s about…well, just read it already!
If you are on Twitter, you have most likely seen numerous calls for comments on “audition” posts for Project Mom Casting interviews that will be held next week in New York. The casting call? Mothers who blog. For a reality show. Whether this will be a heartwarming documentary about how the Internet has changed the cast’s lives OR a campy Real Housewives take on their sensational blogger antics remains to be seen. But my guess is that the former is more likely.
Now, the fact that I’m a mother AND I have a blog makes me pretty much 100% qualified for this. Right?
Um – no.
As much as I love the idea of watching a good friend become a household name, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I would not, myself make a good candidate. Aside from the fact that my husband would probably divorce me if I involved him in anything like that (ooooh – I smell a story arc….), there are some very specific reasons why I wouldn’t even attempt to audition:
1. My house is too messy. I like to think of myself as a very neat and organized person, but I happen to live with four slobs. The only way that my house would stay spotless is if I spent the whole day cleaning. And THAT would mean I wouldn’t have any time to spend on my blogs which are really the only current activity I have that doesn’t involve some form of care taking. So I have to choose: clean house or personal identity. And the winner is… Anyway – don’t even talk to me about hiring professionals to come in every couple of weeks. The biggest slob in the house would say we can’t afford it. Then I look at all of his clothes on the floor and say, “pick up your shirt.” And then he looks at me and says “take off your shirt.” And we’re at an impasse. Messy house it is.
2. The camera does not love me. I am not particularly photogenic, and this applies to all things video as well. I have had many jokes made at my expense regarding the way I pose for pictures. And I can’t really blame anyone because I pretty much have it down to a science. At some point in high school I figured out that I have a very definite good side (the result of a deviated septum and visibly crooked nose, which for some reason I didn’t recognize until an ENT asked me when I broke my nose, giving me a massive complex since I have NEVER broken my nose…but that’s another post for another time). And I learned that if I tilt my head just so to the right, I look remarkably better than if I don’t. My friends called this “the Kate Coveny [my maiden name] head tilt” and over twenty years later, it’s stuck. Even Chris makes fun of me. Since there is no way to keep your head continuously tilted and angled toward the camera for optimal effect while being filmed… I just don’t think the producers would like my look. Asymmetrical doesn’t play well with an audience.
3. I’m boring. I mean, I myself am not a boring person to be around. But there isn’t anything going on in my life that would keep people perched on the edge of their seats, dying to hear more. I don’t think I need to give an account of what my life is like since, you know – I have this whole blog about it… But in case you’re not familiar with The Big Piece of Cake, I’ll just say that no one is making a movie of my life story anytime soon.
Here is an example of #3 (and #2 for that matter). Chris has a (currently lapsed) food-related blog that he would often update with clips from our video camera. It started with cooking stuff – but then he put together a kind of series on barbecue places on a drive through the South. Last summer, we did a road trip down to Florida to see a sick relative, and we took what must have been hours of footage at those restaurants. And I star in most of them. Here are some clips I pulled from Dad Can Cook:
This was my “debut.” Chris asked me to take pictures of a pulled pork dinner that he basically assigned to me. The camera was broken, so I vlogged it:
All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up.
Then of course, some barbecue joint clips:
That’s a lot of pork-related footage for someone who isn’t that much of a fan. The things we do for love…
NUDITY even!
Okay – not really “nudity”…but I did always say that I wouldn’t sell out like that.
So what do you think? Reality show potential there? No?
I agree. But I know several people who do have some star quality. So visit these links and let them know that you concur.
Heather – The Extraordinary Ordinary
Kelcey – The Mama Bird Diaries
Go on! I may not have “it” – but I recognize it when I see it…
Note to producers of Project Mom Casting: This is my personal endorsement of blogs that I read religiously. The writers would all be great candidates for a show about women who blog – who have engaging and inspiring stories to tell. I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for, but let me know if you ever have any ideas for pork-related programming.
Note to other bloggers: Do you have an audition post I haven’t seen? Leave a link in comments. I’d love to read it.
Note to self: Splash on a little makeup before coming within ten feet of any camera. Also, don’t let the head tilt mockers get you down. Until they’ve walked a mile in this nose…
AND……SCENE!
Great post! And hilarious as usual. You know how fabulous I would be and how much my husband would love to expose my craziness to the world! :)
I wish I was coming with you next week….
I too have no interest in being a Reality Star. For pretty much all of the same reasons.
Relative to reason #1: Let it be known that *perhaps* having someone come in every few weeks to handle the big tasks *may* make the "take of your shirt" a more viable option.
Hysterical post!
My first two reasons for not wanting to do this were exactly the same as yours: divorce and messy house.
I love this post! I would watch you on reality TV. Happily. Especially if you tried to tilt your head all day long.
Sweetie thanks for linking to me!!! See you next week in NYC for BlogHer! Yay!
"Pick up your shirt" "take off your shirt"
CLASSIC. this had me in stitches.
This is great! You crack me up. I still give my friend grief about how he first approached me in the bleachers at a football game, "Ugh, have you ever broken your nose???" Waaah.
Loved this post. Since I don't have the opportunity to vote for you, My pick is Kelsey at Mama Bird and I told her so.
I haven't seen any posts from people saying why they *should* be picked – just posts like this saying "not me"! I think it's all passed by the UK blogosphere a bit… :)
I find it so interesting that people are casting their vote in comments.
(head tilt)
Thanks for the shout out.
See you one week from tonight!
You are waywayWAY too hard on yourself. But that project has trainwreck stomped all over it, so I'm slightly worried for the applicants.
I'm with Gwen. I should have your bad side. Maybe you could have a camera shoulder-mounted so it would record you from your precisely chosen angle at all times. Then they could get your POV from a helmet cam and they'd be set! Because that pulled pork footage was compelling. Thanks for the links, though.
I'm with Gwen and Kablooey. You are way too hard on yourself. And, really, do we need another reality show?? Although the people you have mentioned are so lovely and worthy. But, I don't know….the way they edit shows…everybody comes off looking like neurotic messes. Without a doubt I would come off like a neurotic mess….but I kinda am one, so….
i swear you are too funny! especially loved the bbq clips. forget blogging mommy reality shows- send your clips to food network. i´d so rather watch you drive around the south than gwyneth around spain… have a great trip!