Last summer, I started to write a post that was titled “The Lock Up.” I never finished it due to Blogger eating the first five paragraphs and my subsequent need to step away from the computer before I did anything foolish. Like smash it with the heaviest item at hand… Then I never did get back to it.
I had planned to tell stories about how we used to lock up 75% of the rooms in our house so that children couldn’t ruin things. We would lock their bedroom doors so they couldn’t get in during the day. We’d lock the bathroom doors so that they wouldn’t stuff the toilet full of paper or worse, play in the water.
We would even hide everyday objects like bedroom lamps. As far as the lamps go, we worried about them getting broken at night and the switch knobs disappearing during the day. Seriously! There was a time that we had only one knob for all the lamps in our house because someone twisted them all off and hid them godknowswhere. It was madness – walking around with a single switch knob, having to screw it onto any lamp that we wanted to turn on…
But it seemed like everything was like that back then. Having three children born within 18 months – and naughty ones at that – made for some high level security requirements in my house. And all of that locking them out meant that we were locking ourselves out as well. We had to keep “keys” in high places so that we could enter those rooms at will.
Over a year ago, I asked Eleanor to pose with our two pick locks of choice.
The first type we came up with was a thin wooden skewer – typically used for shish kabobs:
Very easy to hide on top of a door sill.
But more often than not, I found myself fashioning keys out of wire hangers (something I discovered when I accidentally locked myself in then three year old Oliver’s room one night with him crying outside the door):
These had to be kept high on a shelf since the kids were definitely working out how to use them. But as Oliver, George and Eleanor grew taller and wilier, I could see the golden age of locked doors coming to a close. Milestones are so bittersweet…
Here is an example of why door locking was so necessary back then.
One day, I went into the twins’ old bedroom/storage room/place we kept the kids’ dressers room and noticed that someone had pee peed a little on one of the nice upholstered chairs I had stowed in there until I could figure out what to do with them.
I locked the door and then called my mother for cleaning advice. She told me to use a little Spray & Wash and then to add some water – all within the pattern of the fabric to avoid unsightly water staining. Having completed this task, I walked out of the room (forgetting to lock the door AND leaving the spray bottle behind) and continued our chat.
When I went back to check on how it was drying, I found that someone had squirted Spray & Wash all over the chair – with no regard for staying within the pattern to avoid water stains! I was livid, but had only myself to blame for not putting the bottle away and locking the door.
After cleaning up the mess (again) I descended the stairs and at the landing, noticed a very strong stink of parmesan cheese. This didn’t come as a complete surprise since they were all addicts and would eat it straight out of the can if I let them. But the strange thing was that I couldn’t find evidence of the cheese anywhere.
I went back upstairs to inquire about the cheese fumes and found Oliver unrolling all of the toilet paper into one huge pile. He was thrilled and asked me what I thought of his mountain. I have no recollection of my reply, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the praise he was hoping for.
Once that mess was cleaned up, I was able to locate the twins and get them to explain the cheese smell. They played dumb for a while – but finally told me to look in the sink where I found a “mountain” of parmesan.
There is a reason why I never find time to dust.
I dragged everyone out to do errands before they could do any further damage and kept a better eye on them for the rest of the afternoon. It’s not easy – but if you just keep tabs on your children, they’re much less likely to destroy anything.
Feeling very pleased with myself, I decided to really make an afternoon of it and apply a little makeup. So I grabbed a mascara and lip gloss and opened the powder room door to find…a mountain of unrolled toilet paper.
And Oliver wins by an empty cardboard tube!
I should probably explain why I had to lock up the bedroom where they slept as well. Even though I had pulled every stick of furniture out of that room – they still found ways to torture me. They would prop their toddler bed mattresses against the wall to make “caves.” which would be kind of cute if it didn’t usually degenerate into their other favorite game of “make the stairs one big slide.”
Do you know what fits perfectly on our stairs? Three toddler bed mattresses.
I finally had to throw them out. No one was sleeping on them anyway. They preferred to burrow together in a big puppy pile at night on the quilts I would lay out for them. And even before I got rid of the mattresses, it was a very sad looking bedroom. No furniture other than three little pallets strewn around the perimeter…
I called it The Opium Den.
But as our toddlers and young preschooler have matured into older preschoolers and an elementary school student, we’ve slowly started unlocking doors. And just last weekend we bought them all real beds so they wouldn’t have to sleep like animals anymore. There was even decorating involved! A huge development in our tiny townhouse.
I wrote all about the project on Style Key West today – so drop by and check it out!
And now I need to fall into my own bed. We’ve been passing around a fever all week, my bad knee is aching and I’m on day #5 of a new low carb diet that’s making me crave dessert like you wouldn’t believe.
It’s the hard knock life INDEED.
Wishing you all a great weekend and Fathers Day!
I'm so tired reading all of this, Kate! Kids are a non-stop job. My three year old, every time he goes to the bathroom, he unravels the toilet paper! It's so annoying. Now I have to take off the toilet paper every day when he goes to the bathroom so he doesn't do that.
So freaking funny. I can just imagine the stairs turned into a slide! Hilarious! And the kids all sleeping on top of each other like puppies – LOVE IT. But their new rooms are just adorable – I can see why you put an end to the madness!
I remember the days of locking the doors! Our old house had these great allen wrenches above each door.
It was great!
Ha – the opium den – I can totally picture it. That's awesome.
Loved this post.