At my last job, I worked with a woman named Kitty. She was quite a bit older than me, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable actually assigning an age to her…let’s just say she was probably old enough to be my mother. One of the reasons that it is hard to pinpoint her age is that she is Asian and I’ve always found that Asian women (as well as most black women I know) tend to age beautifully and look far younger than they actually are. She was also very elegant and managed to look well put together even on casual dress days.
Okay – so none of this is really that important. But I suppose I’d like you to picture the woman as I knew her, and that would require some visual clues: older, Asian, and impeccably dressed. Her actual position isn’t all that relevant either – but she headed up a department and previously worked as a college professor. So you can add a successful career and higher education to her profile as well.
Kitty was pleasant, considerate, quiet and dignified, and the woman couldn’t let anyone else end an e-mail correspondence if her life depended on it. She would always reply. No matter how final you made your closing statement – she would have a response. It took me a little while to notice this, but when I did, it was impossible to deny. She really did have to have the last word.
I don’t think that she was aware of doing this. In fact, I suspect that it was simply a byproduct of being incredibly polite. But that didn’t make it any less bizarre (or hilarious).
I started testing her. I would say, “I’ll get back to you as soon as I hear something.” And she’d reply, “thanks Kate.” And I’d reply, “anytime.” And she’d reply, “I appreciate that – I know you are busy.” And so on and so on. I wish I had saved some documentation of this because I know that I had great examples in my old e-mail archives… In the end – I could never stump her. She was the master.
Recently, I was reminded of Kitty when I typed most of a reply to an e-mail I had received and then deleted it. I felt compelled to respond, but in the end, decided that in the mind of my e-mail correspondent, the communication ended with his last message. Even though I had much to add – it didn’t matter. He didn’t want to hear it. The conversation was over.
Then it came to me. I’M Kitty. I find it hard to leave things hanging – I fill in awkward silences – I don’t want to leave any conversational stone unturned. I don’t know if I’m polite – but I sure do like to talk. And I suppose I also like to have the last word. This would account for why most of my posts are SO LONG (yes – I’ve noticed that too). But somewhere along the way, I realized that I can’t always control the conversation, and that I sometimes have to let someone else decide when it’s over.
So I wonder… Did I pick up this life lesson from my e-mail correspondence with Kitty? Or did this understanding of my own impulses allow me recognize them in her as well? I think I’d put my money on Kitty. I believe that we learn quite a bit about ourselves through our interactions with other people. We see our reflections in them and decide whether we like what we see or if we want to change it.
Personally, I’m honored to share Kitty’s quirks. I have fond memories of her – and I hope that my own odd habits have provided others with just as much amusement. But I will continue to reign in my urge to reply. To do otherwise would be like returning a gift. So this is for you Kitty – and to any of my readers and prior co-workers that know her – thanks for the memories.
The Big Piece of Cake
Never settle for a small one, and demand a corner piece with a flower.
Kate – You’re so sweet and cute…I love this post. Especially because I know exactly what you’re talking about. I also have that urge when it comes with e-mails, especially professional ones…you know how it is, you never want to appear cold or unresponsive so you go over board with your gracious responses! LOL
Excellent post! I can totally relate to this because I am that person too. I don’t feel necessarily like I need to have the last word, but I don’t want the other person to think that I’ve decided to end the conversation by not replying, because I want them to be in charge of that.
So now I just noticed what that last sentence says about me. Ha Ha! But still, I’m not ever sure who is actually supposed to end the conversation in a cyberspace setting. Is it the person who wraps it up, the person who says the final “good bye to you too” or the first person again, who ends it again by not acknowledging this response.
I’m also trying to figure out how this should apply to blogging comments. I feel that if someone has gone to the trouble to decifer those word verification letters in order to post a comment, the least I can do is thank them for their effort, or add a little bit to something they appear to be interested in.
On the other hand, a lot of commenters might just drop off their comment and be on their merry way, never really expecting a reply.
Wow, that certainly went on and on. Thank you for allowing me to have this conversation with myself in your comment section! If you don’t reply to this mess I promise I won’t feel like you’ve been rude or whatever. At this point I probably don’t even deserve a reply because I think I’ve totally run this into the ground and therefore might have had the last word. We’ll see…. Okay I’ll stop now. Stop!!!
This is so great Kate. I distinctly remember emailing Kitty “thank you” or something similar many times, and I’d ALWAYS get a “you’re welcome” in response. So cute! Loved this post!
loved this. I think about these things.
That is really funny. I’m gonna watch myself today and see if thats me too. I might do it too. In fact Im finding it hard to end this comment so…
I personally have to stop responding when it feels like I’m just responding to respond, that I’m not adding anything to anyones life by keeping it going. But to the people like kitty and yourself who are able to pull off such a character trait are admirable.
Oh that was so fun to read. And really hilarious – I love quirky office stories. That was so fun. Thanks.
Kate – I remember the day you pointed this out to me. I think after that day I would also try and get the last email in with Kitty with no success!
I have the opposite problem – I usually completely forget to respond to emails and whatnot.
I have promised myself over and over to respond to my commenter’s, but I never do.
This is a new dilemma. I feel awkward on ending those correspondences as well.
And I’m with Christy. I always mean to send email to my commenters, and yet….
That is a cute story.
I love getting in the last word. Sometimes I think its because I love to talk. I try to answer every e-mail, respond to every comment just to continue the conversation (until I say its over).
Speaking from my personal experience as well…Kitty is the MASTER! She can’t be outdone (no matter how many times I would try)!
Thanks for making me laugh and reminisce…gotta love it!
I once got a “thank you for thanking me.” Awesome. Thanks for making me laugh Kate!