Tag Archives: Little Ones

Inside Out and Backwards

Oliver is turning five at the end of March, and I kind of can’t believe it. Maybe it’s because he was my first baby, but I still think of him as a little guy. Well – little in spirit, since he’s roughly the size of a very short middle school child…


And truly, he’s so far from toddlerdom, I can’t even pretend anymore. He doesn’t need me nearly as much as he used to. He can get himself a snack – typically not the kind I would have selected for him…but still. He can turn on lights (yeah – electric bill!) and the television. He can even dress himself although his apathy for wearing clothes makes for some rather incomplete outfits – usually missing pants.


And he never ceases to amaze me with his talent for putting on any shirt inside out and backwards.

Anyway – I can’t help but think about how the apron strings still firmly knotted through his belt loops just keep getting longer and longer. Now, when we play outside, he’ll often disappear from my line of sight. Something that would once have been the source of a panicked sprint in the direction I last saw him and possibly some pre-hysterical yelling of his name. Now I lean toward a much calmer mosey and unconcerned yoo-hooing for his return to the fold. Of course, that’s typically followed by some bellowing about notdoingthatnottouchingthatnoteatingthat… But that’s another issue altogether.


When he was a newborn, we lived in a third floor condo apartment. The trash chute was only four doors down from ours, but for the life of me, I could not bring myself to leave my tiny baby alone for five seconds to take out the garbage. I was convinced that I would one day lock myself out while my son lay trapped in the apartment, wailing from fear and hunger.


So I did what any other concerned mother would do – I took him with me. And holding Oliver in one arm while I used my other hand to carry that one trash bag was pretty easy. Even opening the door to the trash room was simple enough. The complications began when I had to open the chute.

It opened in much the same way that a mailbox does, but there was a latch that needed to be held down in order to pull the handle. Most definitely a two hand job. While I could open the chute with one hand, I still needed to hold it open so I could lift the bag into it. And this presented an entirely new venue for my mania.

Since my other hand was already in use for baby detail, I had to look to other body parts for assistance. Unfortunately, the chute was located too high on the wall for me to secure it with my foot or my hip. So left with waist up options, the only feasible candidate was my elbow.

The process was that I would first open the chute with my right hand. Then, holding that down, I’d press Oliver to my chest with my left arm and rest that elbow on the open door. Then, as I cut off his oxygen supply, I would say approximately five Hail Marys while I let go with my right hand and used it to pick up the trash bag, even thought I’m technically not Catholic and hadn’t been to Mass in years. Then I dropped it in the chute, and the minute it left my grasp I would wrap both arms tightly around Oliver and say prayers of thanks to God for not letting me drop my baby with the trash.

Every day.

You would think I’d pull out the stroller for this – but what can I say? A mother’s love and paranoia go far beyond reason.

As the year went on, I took the CA-RAY-ZEE down a notch and relaxed a bit. I could watch my toddler run around on the grass and not worry about every stumble and scraped knee. While I hated the idea of him being hurt in any way, I knew that the falls were inevitable and all part of learning to stand, walk, run…grow. Like all other mothers, I knew that I had to let go a little. And the apron strings lengthened.


Having the twins when Oliver was still a baby himself probably helped. I simply didn’t have the luxury of time for unnecessary worry. I embraced the old adage that children bounce and just held my breath (and said a few Hail Marys) when I saw him doing something perfectly normal that still made me nervous.

But I’d be lying if I claimed to take everything in stride. There was always a resonance deep below my love and pride for my children that screamed, “DON’T…STOP…DANGER!” And sometimes it was pretty hard to ignore. I could turn myself inside out from the fear that anything could happen. That every step they took away from me could lead them into forces beyond my control. What if Oliver tripped on the stairs and broke his neck? What if a rabid squirrel attacked him? What if a big crack opened up in the ground? The possibilities were endless.

Fortunately, I am not a complete psychopath and never take this beyond ordinary watchful wariness. But the irony of the situation is that my big beautiful boy who has never been seriously ill or hurt in his life continues be a constant source of worry for me.

No – not just worry…fear. Bone chilling, stomach churning fear of the far more possible what ifs. What if he still can’t hold real conversations by the time he starts Kindergarten in the Fall? What if he’s so awkward that the other kids are cruel to him? What if he starts to realize that he’s different…an outsider…?

I put up this strong front of not caring what anyone else thinks, and I actually don’t – for myself. But I do care for him. I care so much – too much, and it tears me up inside to imagine him feeling any less than a bright, sensitive boy so full of potential.


But those apron strings aren’t retractable. I can’t stop him from falling. All I can do is be at the ready with bandaids and open arms. They’ll always be there as long as he’ll have them. Which won’t be forever…but again, that’s another issue altogether…

Please don’t comment with the “you’re such a good mom” pats on the back, because the truth is – I’m not. Or at least, I could be so much better when it comes to this oldest child of my heart. I hate research…I’m terrible at schedules and structure…I have of yet to discover effective punishment for bad behavior… This doesn’t come naturally to me – this mothering of a special needs child. I’m good at the love, patience and acceptance part – but not so good at the “work” involved.

But I’m trying. I sit with Oliver and help him practice his pencil grip. I encourage him to work on the things that would be easy for him if he just tried. I wheedle him into trying the things that don’t come so easily with baby steps and little pressure. And I watch as he dresses, no matter how long it takes, reminding him to stay focused. I show him how to make sure his shirt isn’t inside out and correct him when he starts to put in on backwards.

And he’s learning. His shirt is now rarely inside out and backwards.

For a few years now, my heart has felt inside out and backwards. But I’m learning too. And with a little time, I think I’ll get it right.

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ELSEWHERE:

On Wishing True

Interiors in Art from Mariska Meijers


Beautiful Bangles from Kate Spade

On Style Key West

Outdoor Living

Sometimes I Really Do Put Some Thought into Parenting…

So what if there are a few mornings here and there that find my children eating Goldfish crackers for breakfast. And ice cream isn’t the worst snack in the world – it is full of calcium for growing bones. And a little vacuum dirt never hurt anyone (like your kids don’t put their mouths on everything in the house at some point or another!). And if my oldest wants to wear Cars underwear with his brother and sister because it’s fun and he doesn’t care if he looks like an exploding sausage in them? So be it.





I allow myself those lapses in judgement because I do make up for it in others ways. Visit me at DC Metro Moms to read more[DC Metro Moms closed up shop as of July 2010 – this post can now be found HERE] (and seriously – PLEASE read this since it’s the only “real” post that I’ve written in weeks).

Did you catch that? This is not a real post – it’s a sign post for the one over at DC Metro Moms. Where I tend to publish material that doesn’t involve pictures of bald My Little ponies or yet another pretty picture from a decor blog. So yeah – I kind of want you to read it…

Pearls of Wisdom

One of the things we all do when we become parents is dream about what the future holds for our children. We think about who they are going to be. Or more accurately – who we want them to be.

Every night when I was pregnant with my first baby, I thought about all of the qualities that I wished for him. I wished for kindness and generosity. For self confidence and intelligence. For humor and charisma. For talent and creativity. And happiness.

Then he was born and I just wanted him to sleep.

But in my heart, all of those wishes lived on – and still do. And I tried to do the same for my other children. I had the same hopes for my twins, though a bit less focused.

By the time I was pregnant again, my first child was still a stinky sleeper, and I tended to pass out the minute my head hit the pillow. So there were no thoughtful lists chanted nightly for the twins and their own triumphs of character.

It was then that I gave myself license to tuck those dreams in a pocket where I knew they would be kept warm and alive. Even if I couldn’t recite them by rote. Maybe if I wanted them enough, they would be imprinted in all of my intentions, and it none would go astray. It would be a string of pearls that would never break.

And I think it has been. They’re all still there, permanently knotted on the strongest of fibers – gleaming in the shadows of my pocket. I don’t need to memorize what is in my heart.

It’s been over three years since the last of my babies were born, and I’m now starting to see glimpses of my dreams in their eyes. I smell them in the soft scent that no longer whispers baby. And I feel them in the squeeze of small fingers around my own.

They are becoming people.

And as much as I frequently cup my precious wishes in my palm, I know that it’s out of my hands. I can’t keep my children in a pocket. They have to decide who they are going to be, and it seems that starts as early as…well, now.

It would be so easy to label them. He’s the sweet one. She’s the feisty one. He’s the gentle one. But they change daily – sometimes to my liking and sometimes not.

But you always loved to paint. Where is my little artist?

What do you mean you won’t wear the pretty dress? Dresses are your favorite.

Since when did you stop liking Barney? Nevermind – that’s fine, thanks.

In these small ways, they assert their growing personalities. They try them on like scraps from a dress up box. Cherished one moment – then dismissively discarded. Thoughtless. Artless. Fickle. And free.

But we have our favorites and sometimes we interfere. Put on the pink one – it’s your best color. For all of our good intentions and pride, we so often try to box our children into neatly labeled cubby holes…the nice one…the pretty one…the smart one… And we even do it to each other as adults. Maybe that’s where we learn it – from our own parents. The circle of life. The beat goes on.

And maybe that’s fine. Perhaps it’s necessary to be guided to our strengths. But that’s some power we parents have. And Power is never far from its evil twin, Responsibility.

I honestly do think that as I provide that necessary guidance to my children, I’m just as responsible for following their lead. And protecting their right to choose.

It used to drive me crazy when people would label my twins. She’s the sweet one and he’s the character. Or to assume that my oldest was supposed to suddenly be a mini man at 18 months just for the fact that he’s an older brother.

My daughter has proven everyone wrong. She was the sweet one. She was the quiet one who was often ignored while her twin brother writhed and screamed with reflux pain. I like to imagine that placid little baby getting miffed. The squeaky wheel indeed!

She didn’t stay angelic for long. She is the larger than life child. She sings and dances through the day. She demands her due with a jazz hands finish. But just like that little girl with the little curl, when she is good she is very, very good, but when she is bad… She stomps her feet, hands planted firmly on hips. Her “YES I can!” is less self affirming call to action than blood thirsty battle cry. She is fierce.

But I envy her.

And don’t we all? Don’t we all look at our children and envy their potential. Their bright, shiny newness. Their quicksilver ability to morph into anything they want to be.

I want to foster that. Sure I have to say no sometimes. I have to be firm. But I don’t want to take that ferocity away from her. Especially when I so often wish that I had it myself.

My cousin was apparently much like my daughter at that age, and my mother remembers some good advice that was given to my aunt and uncle. The grandfather who was well known for his “spare the rod, spoil the child” attitude about discipline shocked everyone by warning, “just don’t break her.

Pretty wise if you ask me. And I would say that same advice transcends its original subject. I don’t want to break any of my children of their ferocity or their quirks. As inconvenient as these traits may be for me – it’s my responsibility to protect their individuality.

I was reminded of my string of wishes recently when my grandmother passed away. She left Eleanor a pearl necklace that had once belonged to her own daughter. It was old and fragile and in need of some refurbishing. And when Eleanor is old enough I will have it restrung for her. Like a mother’s dreams for her children, the necklace will be passed on with love.

Everyday, I wrap my own dreams and wishes around my children. But in the end, it’s their choice how to wear them.

Oh the weather outside is frightful…

…aaaaand that just about sums it up (we don’t have a fireplace to find delightful – damn 1970s townhouse architects).

Honestly – I do love snow. I do! I love seasons. Really! I’m always the first one to say that I’ll suffer through a couple of freezing, sleeting months if I can experience autumn leaves and pink cherry blossoms and yes – sparkling white snow blanketing the neighborhood. I wouldn’t say that I’m a Winter fanatic, but I find snow lovely and cozy. And the snow we had right before Christmas this year was downright festive.

I really couldn’t imagine living somewhere without seasons.

When I visited Chris’ family in Arizona for the first time and listened to their friends exclaim about not being able to survive our East Coast Winters I thought, “yeah, well you enjoy that ‘but it’s a dry heat‘ holiday season – I’d rather revel in wool sweaters and sip hot cocoa after an invigorating walk through freshly fallen snow.

But that’s easy for me to say since here in DC, we get maybe one or two big snowfalls per year. We’re not usually buried in snow for almost two weeks.

And as I go through photos I’ve taken over the past week, I can feel my attitude changing.

So I present to you a brief travelogue of our journey through the past week’s snow festival:

1/31

Yeah! Snow! Let’s go sledding!



Or perhaps a snowball fight?



Thank you Oliver for being the second Hood child to break a camera. Eleanor – You’re up!

2/5

Can you believe it’s snowing again? And the camera didn’t break – so we can take MORE pictures!




Nice hat.

2/6

When is it going to stop snowing? Our children are disappearing into the drifts…



2/7

All I have to say is Winter Wonderland. Behold the majesty.




And behold my son who can’t feel the cold. Actually, he can feel the cold – he just has his priorities.




2/10

The snow is starting to get old…yet Oliver still insists on going outside fifty times a day (okay – more like five but when you’re slowly going insane from not being able to leave your house, you start to exaggerate). Where is everyone else anyway?

Eleanor is sick


And cultivating some really crazy bedhead


Chris is cooking (and apparently drinking…)


Kate is taking pictures since she doesn’t like to have her unshowered in pajamas look documented, and George is melting down from cabin fever.


2/11

Giant icicles have started falling from the roofs.


Where are the news reports about widespread impalings?

2/12

Today the furnace stopped working. Yeah – more sweaters! So festive…

2/13

The furnace has been fixed, but now the dining room lights and kitchen outlets aren’t working. Weather related? Or the result of Chris’ roiling psychic energy?

2/15


Losing track of the days…it’s started snowing again…I’d like to say that I’m not baking yet another batch of cookies because of the weight I’ve gained while house bound. But the truth is, I’ve run out of chocolate chips.

Day 13 of Snow Prison: We have come to accept that help is not coming. Survival now rests on our own shoulders. Provisions are running out and morale is low. Straws were drawn for a volunteer to venture out in search of food. As the snow falls steadily and the temperatures drop, we try not to wonder when it will end. The waiting is the hardest. But that is all that is left for us now. To wait. And hope.

To all of my other snowbound comrades: Stay warm!

To all of you smirky warm weather residents: Suck it!

They’re Playing Our Song


Have you ever heard a song that transported you back to a memory so visceral that you could close your eyes and feel like you were actually there?

Of course you have – we all have. Music has always been a well known sense memory trigger. And we can all call upon those few notes that evoke something very specific from our past.

When I close my eyes and think of Crystal Gayle singing Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, I’m suddenly six years old and sitting in the back of our family car. Possibly driving to the dentist where I will be forced to endure a nauseating grape flavored fluoride treatment.

If I think of Bob Marley singing Is This Love, I’m 16 and at the beach – a little sore from sunburn, but why worry about wrinkles, as it won’t matter anymore when I’m old…?

If I think of Al Green singing I’m So in Love with You, I’m 27 and marveling at how this once unlikely candidate for a boyfriend will soon be my husband.

But all of these time stopping, breath catching, overwhelming assaults on my fragile sense of the present are eclipsed by another, far more powerful one.

I recently unearthed a CD of lullabies that I played at every bedtime and every nighttime feeding from the time my son Oliver was born through well into his toddler years. Those melancholy strains bring back memories so full of joy and fear and mind blowing wonder that it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. But mostly cry. The nostalgia is almost unbearable.

Truly the most poignant time of my life thus far was the first year of my first child’s life. Because he was then, and on some level will always be, the great love of my life.

When Oliver was born I felt physically beaten. It was a textbook first delivery with very few surprises. But that 9 lb. 2 oz. little body that pushed its way out of mine took a very serious toll. As an inexperienced first time mother I had no idea that it wasn’t normal to take a full five minutes to lever myself out of a hospital bed, 24 hours after giving birth. Nor did I realize that this level of discomfort should have ebbed after the first few days. But I guessed that something might be wrong when I needed a wheelchair to leave the hospital as other new mothers were sprinting down the hall to greet visitors.

I should have asked for drugs.

This pain is part of my sense memory.

When I tried to nurse him I felt like he was ravaging me. It hurt and wasn’t anything like the bonding experience I read about in books. I used to say it was like trying to hold a wild animal. It didn’t seem normal – all of that biting, flailing and groping. It was only weeks later that my milk production was declared low.

My big newborn needed more from me.

This attack on my body and subsequent sense of failure are part of my sense memory.

Oliver didn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time, and half of that was spent rocking him and trying to put him back in the bassinet. By the time I would get him settled, I only had a half hour to sleep.

Then he would wake up hungry and the painful, frustrating process would start all over again.

This exhaustion is part of my sense memory.

I had pretty bad post partum depression for the first few weeks, but didn’t realize what it was until it was over. All I knew was that I felt like I was staring into the abyss. I knew I loved my baby. Fiercely. But the bands of anxiety that would tighten around my chest as the sun fell lower on the horizon were squeezing me out of my own battered body. One particularly bad evening I couldn’t stop crying and told my husband that I felt like I was losing myself. I have a very clear memory of being up and trying to nurse at 2 a.m. My body ached and Boone had just died on Lost and my baby wouldn’t let me sleep and I just didn’t know if I could make it through.

Again – I should have asked for drugs.

This utter hopelessness is part of my sense memory.

While Oliver’s sleeping never really improved as much as it seemed to for other babies I knew (I was still waking up three to four times a night close to his first birthday) I got used to the pattern. It became second nature. I simply adjusted. Because I looked at his precious little face in the dim light filtering through the window and felt nothing but love. And gratitude. And that unnamed emotion that makes mothers fall to pieces when they imagine a time that this tightly bundled glowworm body would be too big to rock standing up.

I rocked him in the middle of his dark bedroom, drinking in the ambrosia of his peaceful slumber long after he became too heavy for it to be comfortable.

This addict-caliber need for my baby, regardless of the time of day or night is part of my sense memory.

I had to go back to work when Oliver was three months old. And leaving him for full days with another caretaker was possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We had never before been separated for more than a few hours, and I didn’t know how I could bear it. The last day of my maternity leave I held him for his entire afternoon nap.

I listened to that CD twice and cried for the end of our “just you and me” time.

This sorrow and anticipation of the separation to come is part of my sense memory.

I loved giving Oliver his bedtime bottle (the nursing never worked out for us). It was the only time that my never still boy would cuddle and just “be” with me. He would look up at my face and twist his fingers in my hair until his eyes would start to droop. Then the blinks would last for longer beats and his tired fingers would rest on the bottle. He would often stop drinking as sleep took him, and I would have to give him a little shake to make sure he finished all of his formula. A full stomach will help him sleep better right? Not so much… But I figured it didn’t hurt to try.

I would often linger longer than necessary just to feel the warm weight of him in my arms. To memorize the shadow of eyelashes that brushed his cheeks and appreciate the surety that this was all that mattered in the world no matter what work drama or financial worries might color my days.

This peaceful embrace is part of my sense memory.

When Oliver was a little over ten months old, I discovered that I was pregnant again. It wasn’t planned and threw us for a roller coaster sized loop. I had hoped for a three year age difference between our first born and our hypothetical second child (which ended up being twins). But as always, we adjust. So this vision of siblings close in age became part of our future family dreams. But I did feel the pangs of what this second pregnancy meant: the ultimate end of that “just me and you” time.

There would no longer be one answer to every question: whatever is best for him. Life would become more complicated and attention would not be as easily focused.

This fear of change and intensified appreciation for the time that was left for our mommy-baby bliss is part of my sense memory.

Maybe this is all tied to him being such a crappy sleeper…or maybe it’s because I was a working mother with limited time to spend with him – but I craved my baby like nothing I’ve ever wanted or needed in my life. And the memory of those quiet hours spent in his bedroom, set to the soundtrack our our lullaby CD, holds more power over me than any other.

There was such simplicity in that time without the concerns attached to sibling rivalry and divided priorities. Though in the thick of it, it seemed anything but, with the sleep training books and the nursing problems – then the teething and the baby proofing. But that intense first baby love was stronger than any emotion I’ve ever experienced.

The lullabies we once listened to so few years but so long ago bring all of that back. And it literally makes me swoon.

If you were wondering what CD has this hold on my heart, it’s Lullaby, a collection. I do warn mothers with post partum depression that those “melancholy strains” I mentioned above may make you want to slit your wrists a little bit (before you get yourself some good meds, I mean). But the songs really do create a lovely soundtrack for your own sense memories. As far as lifetimes go, that is.

One of Those "Housekeeping" Posts That’s Only Interesting to People with Blogs…and Mom of Course

And by “housekeeping” I’m talking about my blog – not my house. This is probably one of the most boring genres of blog posting out there…yet at some point we all do it.

Even if we only have five readers, we feel the need to update them on how we feel about blogging, changes we’re making, and of course those apologies for letting days go by without a single word, image or flash of brilliance. “Don’t feel abandoned loyal readers – let me explain.

And for those of you with huge readerships, this is probably warranted. But for the rest of us – it’s a bit like talking to ourselves in the mirror (or maybe chatting on the phone with Mom).

Either way – we all do it eventually. And today – I can’t resist the pull. The siren call of “blogging about blogging.” Because I have been a big blogging FAIL lately.

Here are the reasons why:

1. I started a new blog for my parents’ shop Style Key West, and while they are writing and providing content, I set everything up for them. And I also write all of their Monday posts – just so you know.

2. I have been trying to post more frequently on Wishing True. I love my little pretty things blog even if it does have a tiny readership. So I don’t want it to go the way of Underdogs Unite.

[See – I told you – BORING!]

3. My twins have recently decided that we are once again connected by umbilical cords. The separation that took place three years and almost four months ago has completely slipped their minds. Much like agoraphobics with their homes, they become increasingly uncomfortable as the space between us begins to widen. And if I leave their sight for more than a few minutes, the panic attacks begin. If I want to be on the computer, I generally have to work around the two squirming three year olds on my lap.

[Oh god – now she’s blaming her kids. Shameless!]

4. I have a son named Oliver who has some special needs. He’s a handful. The end. Epilogue: I’m now taking him to extra therapy which requires driving everyone to appointments, WHICH entails getting three children suited up for the cold, getting them out to the car, getting them into the car, driving to the appointment, getting them out of the car, getting them into the building…you get the idea. The appointment and round trip drive time is approximately an hour and 45 minutes. And the rest of it takes approximately an hour and 45 minutes.

5. I’ve decided that after about five years, it’s time to start noticing that I have a husband and pay some attention to him when he’s around in the evening. We do things together that we both enjoy (translation: watch television) and surprisingly, this doesn’t involve me using the computer.

[Mooooommmmm! Are we there yet?!]

Not yet. 6. The number of television shows that I watch either real time or later on the computer has become out of control. Especially now that Lost is back. Sorry Deep End – I have a full plate right now. If you’re around in three years and I’m the only one who has no idea what people are talking about at cocktail parties, then I’ll have my regrets and add you to the Netflix queue. But for now, I’m already in the process of making cuts. Private Practice – you have a lot of potential and if I had the time, I’d definitely keep you on staff. But you know what they say, “last to come, first to go…” (Pssst! Flash Forward – make yourself scarce. I don’t want her to remember when you joined the team until after she’s gone.)

[Now that’s just pathetic… ]

So as you can see (if you’re still reading, that is) I have very good reasons for my dismal performance in posting here and HELLO! commenting. Seriously – I still love you – but if the name of your blog starts with any letter after L, I’m having a hard time reaching you in my reader. And that is going to be a big priority this week: catch up on my reader and visit some of my new commenters.

So to wrap up one of the most ennui inducing blogging about blogging posts, I’m now going to kick the eye rolls up a notch by adding some pictures of my kids!






Aren’t they the cutest ever?! I knew you’d enjoy that. Almost as much as my fiction writing. Which I skipped today…more apologies on that. Will the disappointments never end…?

*ALSO: I have some reviews and news up on As Good As Cake. Check it out!

Continuing to Cultivate Genius

The other week I posted some pictures of my son, Oliver’s invention: a slide made from the playroom coffee table placed at an angle, along with a large stuffed animal “sled.” Simple. Safe (hey – no one got hurt!). Brilliant.

And now my younger son, George has astounded me with yet ANOTHER new invention made from household items.

[In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that he probably got this idea from seeing me dislodge a bead from a straw (yes – most of my daily accomplishments now run along those lines…) But regardless, his entrepreneurial spirit can’t be denied.]


So tell me – what would you make with a small, blue orange juice cap and a vacuum cleaner attachment?


An awesome blow gun of course!

AND an extra long one:



Here it is in action:




Even I had to try it out:

I know – I’m pretty gorgeous right? Sadly, I’ve never been one of those people who comes back from the gym glowing… And seriously – it couldn’t have occurred to me to splash on a little makeup before taking those pictures?


Wait – why do you suddenly bring up Botox? Back to the invention…

As usual, my pictures just don’t do justice to the subject. So I took a video:

OUCH! That hurt. But don’t blame the invention – no injuries were sustained during actual blow gun activity. (And how about that dirty wall? Yikes! Time to do some cleaning…)

Hours of fun! Can’t wait to see what they come up with next. Eleanor doesn’t show much interest in this area, but you never know what she might do with some glitter and a few My Little Ponies. Stay tuned…

Rookie Mistakes, Crazy Talk and Being For-dick-a-less

Okay. So I’ve been a mom for over four years now. Pushing five. And I’m pushing forty myself. I babysat my ass off when I was a teenager (and much later into my twenties than is considered normal). And I actually remember quite a lot about about being a kid myself.

Yet – none of that seems to matter. I still make rookies mistakes, I hear myself spouting bizarre statements with earnest sincerity, and on occassion, I act like a complete tool. All regarding my children of course (shut up Chris).




I’ve had some real winners lately, so I thought I’d post a random sampling today.

First the rookie mistakes. All of that experience with small children under my belt, and I still:

Leave a full and OPEN bottle of bubble bath sitting next to the tub while I duck out to grab the shampoo.


Buy bath markers (Why do I keep doing this? It’s like I have amnesia every time I browse the bath aisle at Target, “OH bath markers – that looks like fun!” sigh)

Leave the house without diapers even though my three year old twins are only 50% potty trained.

Leave an open jar of peanut butter on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.

Assume that if I don’t hear a peep from the kids for a long period of time they are playing nicely, and enjoy the little break from the chaos (because we all know what I usually find when I go looking for them…)


Leave an open jar of Vaseline on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.

Leave an uncapped tube of toothpaste sitting on the counter while I run downstairs to switch the laundry.

(I also have amnesia about the kids getting into everything that should be far out of their reach. And I do a lot of laundry.)

Then there are the crazy sounding things I say without a hint of irony:

Hmmm. That’s strange…I can only think of one recent one. Maybe it’s like that amnesia thing above and I’m just saying the same crazy thing over and over without realizing that I’ve said it before. Anyway – here it is:

We NEVER pee on people.

Hold on…I just remembered a couple more:

[When one of them wanted to help me bake cookies] “Okay – you can help…but you have to wear underwear. It’s like – my only cooking rule.

[George loves to play in our sliding door closets] “Come on George! It’s time to go. No more playing in the closet – we have to leave. No – I’m serious – it’s time. Get out of the closet now. I said now. I said come OUT of the closet George!

As for acting like a complete lunatic…I think my personal best was a debacle at nap time last month.

First, I should explain that George and Eleanor still need their nap. They are complete monsters (I mean more than usual) when they skip it.


But they went through a phase of refusing to settle down and sleep. During that time, they would just play in their room.

This would have been fine if they played quietly and acheived some modicum of “rest.” But they didn’t. Whatever I heard going on one level up sounded like a scene from Fight Club. They literally shook the house with their…whatever it was they did.

And the worst part was that what they were doing seemed to involve taking off all of their clothes, including their diapers. And having accidents. On the floor. Like puppies.

I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind, and eventually, I kind of did.

I decided it was time to lay down the law – no more Mr. Nice Guy – the madness would end.

So you can imagine how well that went.

First, I told them very calmly and quietly that if I heard one more sound from their room, they would be in A LOT of trouble. And they were to keep their diapers ON. If I came upstairs to find naked children and wet patches on the carpet, there would be spankings (a punishment I rarely enforce but often threaten).

They just laughed at me.

I closed the door, thinking “yeah – we’ll see who is laughing the next time I’m up here…

Minutes later when I felt the first sonic boom, I was up the stairs and in their room, ready to show them who was boss. I yelled and fumed and made my scariest face possible. All while re-attaching diaper tabs.

I then gave them “one more chance” (because I’m a soft touch) and promised spankings the next time I had to come upstairs.

They just laughed at me.

And of course it was less than 10 minutes before I returned for a little demonstration of tough love. THIS time it was no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Which ended up being true when I saw how they had ripped apart the room. Their crib mattresses (on the floor as we still need to get them toddler beds) were over turned and sheets and blankets lay in heaps. The CD I had put on was skipping and the lamp was on its side. And of course, they were naked.

They saw my fury – and they just laughed at me.

I very calmly and quietly told them that it was time for spankings. And each of them got one very hard smack on their bare bottom. Unheard of from their previously gentle and soft spoken mother.

There was howling and unintelligible toddler cursing as I re-diapered and dressed them. But by the time I made my way back out of the room, I heard something that made my blood boil.

They were laughing at me.

Knowing that you should never approach a child in such a rage, I closed the door and waited until I felt that rolling boil return to a slow simmer. Then finally when I thought it was at a safe room temperature, I returned to the devil spawn.

I found them gleefully trying to rip curtains off the window. And that’s when the whoop ass can was opened. I didn’t spank anyone, but I raged and bellowed and pulled every single object out of that room.

First removed the entire curtain rod and tossed it into the the hall. Then I repeated the process with every book and toy I could find. Then came the sheets and blankets. Then the mattresses.

The twins watched in silent astonishment as I dragged the table, lamp and CD player out as well, and then finally pulled a clock off the wall.

I left the room completely bare (not too difficult of a feat since it’s a tiny room without space for a dresser – but still).

Then I walked out, leaving them in their diapers to either sleep or entertain themselves for the next hour.

This time they did not laugh.

In fact, they cried for a long time, and it took all of my willpower not to go to them. Instead I waited until they fell silent. Then I crept back in and put blankets over their sleeping potato bug bodies.

And I felt like a terrible mother.

Later when they woke up with no sign of resentment or remorse, they watched as I put their room back to rights. They commented on the various items and showed me where to put them.

When I put the clock back up on the wall, George said, “mommy throw the clock?

And I had to kind of laugh at myself. I mean – what purpose did that serve anyway? I punished them by denying them their clock? Ridiculous.

So I said as much: “Yes George, that was ridiculous. I won’t take down the clock again.

George repeated “For-dick-a-less?” And a new Hood family word was born. Because they often refer to things as being for-dick-a-less.

But what about the diapers?” you ask. “Do they still take them off at nap time?

No – they don’t. But it took one more outrageous act to stop that practice:


For-dick-a-less…but effective.