Our Middle Child, Unusual Accommodations and Dirty Penguins

It has been called to my attention that my “middle child,” George has been getting very little air time here at The Big Piece of Cake. A least, in comparison to his brother and sister.

Four year old, Oliver is my special boy with special needs, as well as my oldest – so he’s automatically Mr. Spotlight. Eleanor, at age two, is a dramatic girl with an excessive love of all things classified “ballerina” (including tee shirts and jeans that I’ve somehow managed to convince her are “ballerina shirts” and “ballerina jeans”). So she also claims star status on a frequent basis.

One would assume that my middle child fades by comparison. Yet this is far from the truth. George, who is actually the middle child by only one minute (he and Eleanor are twins) is no stranger to the spotlight. And I’m not referring to my posts about his bald head and his pasty white legs. When we are out in public, George gets noticed.

People really gravitate to George. He has the sweetest little face with the proverbial big brown eyes, as well as a smile that could melt even Satan’s icy heart. Well okay, that’s probably going too far – but Satan would be enchanted with him and would probably want to adopt him as a demi-demon. Note to self: throw out the Ouiji board pronto. Of course I’m just kidding about that last part! We don’t own a Ouiji board.

George is my snuggley kid. He always wants to be picked up and hugged, and he clings to me like a little monkey. Luckily, he’s always been tiny so it’s not too taxing. I’m used to much bigger loads. George is a feather in comparison to his older brother. who was always on the gargantuan side. Even now, Oliver easily doubles George’s weight, though their age difference is only 18 months.

I have a million “awww!” inducing stories about my George – but really, who wants to read that? Okay – grandmas aside, I mean. A sweet anecdote every once in a while is fine, but let’s face it, that gets old pretty fast. Besides, where would I start? I mean, he’s a walking adorableness factory.

And you know what? I’m actually very pleased that he gets the most votes for “cutest Hood child” because he started life as one of the weirdest looking babies I’ve ever seen. He was fine at birth when he was all swollen, giving him the illusion of pinchable cheeks. But he very quickly began to look like what one my friends astutely described as “something from The Lord of the Rings.” My mother in law called him “The Woodland Creature.” I called him “The Changling.” And we’re the givers of unconditional love! So you know he had to be a little “unusual” as far as newborn babies go. Want proof?


But then he started looking like this:

He’s the one on the left.

And this:


And – Ohmygodhe’ssocute – this:

And even when he did look like a changling – he was soooo sweet. You couldn’t help but fall in love with him. Okay – I’m back on the precipice of eye roll-worthy “aren’t my kids cute” blather… So here are a few recent George antics.

First – his mad climbing skillz have proved to be the catalyst for taking down the cribs in the twins’ room. One day, he just stopped sleeping in his crib. He would either come into our room and climb into bed with us, or if he couldn’t get out of his own room (is it bad parenting to lock your kids in?), he’d just sleep on the floor. We finally got to a point where I’d just make up a bed for him on the floor next to Eleanor’s crib. And he was thrilled. But then Eleanor wanted to sleep on the floor too. So after a few nights of making up pallets for them, I decided to stop the madness and dismantled the cribs.

We haven’t decided what to do with them yet (toddler beds or big beds), so their crib mattresses are just sitting on the floor. Not that George actually sleeps on his. He still prefers to create a nest in odd areas of the room. My favorite is when he wedges himself up against the door so I can’t open it. I have to force my way in if I hear Eleanor crying for me. And he sleeps through that! What a weirdo.

He’s also taken to snacking on ice. Seriously – he will stand by the refrigerator and ask for it. If I say, “no George, you’ve had enough ice – no more,” he will wail like I snatched a chocolate bunny out of his hands. There isn’t too much to say about this other than the fact that I never expected to be having fights with my child about overeating ice.

Then there is his pronunciation of certain words. Every parent has a moment when their child says something that sounds dirty or rather age inappropriate. I recently wrote about my two year old daughter saying something that sounded like “Mommy! What the fuck?” Well George has a whole repertoire of these gems.

My two favorites are “penguins” and “Percy.” Percy is a character in Thomas the Tank Engine stories. He’s one of the best known characters – one of the “leads” if you will – so when my boys play with trains, the names Thomas, James, Emily and Percy come up fairly often. But George doesn’t say “Percy” – he says “pussy.” I think this must be common – but that doesn’t make it any less startling.

The other one is truly bizarre. First of all, I wouldn’t think that we would have so many opportunities for the kids to see penguins in our house. Sure a DVD is playing 24/7 – but most don’t involve penguins… Somehow George manages to find reasons to yell “Penguins!” on a daily basis. But again, it doesn’t sound like he’s saying “penguins.” If I had to spell it phonetically, it would be “PEHN-is.” So we’ve gotten used to George yelling “penis” a lot.

You would think we’d get used to it…

You would be wrong.

Oh how I love my George… I can’t get enough of him. Really, I can’t get enough of any of them (except for maybe at 2 a.m. when I can’t get enough of uninterrupted sleep). They’re all so wonderfully sweet and odd and completely themselves. They have such distinct personalities. And while I wish so many things for them, it’s this sense of self, this unique brand of “me” that all children possess for most of their early years that so often makes its way to the top of the list.

We’re all different. We’re all individuals. But we’re not all so completely confident and guileless in this knowledge as we were when we were two. Or four. Or seven. I really don’t know when this fades, but it’s such a wonder to see and such an inspiration for the parents who have spent most of their lives whittling away at those odd edges and corners – all so we can fit in the round holes that fill our daily grind.

So I hope that my George keeps his quirks and odd edges. That he continues to charm the pants off of the grumpiest of curmudgeons (that old softie Satan included). That he remains oblivious to the concept of “fitting in” as long as possible. Of course I eventually want him to “fit in” – but I’d like him to do it on his own terms.

This most charming middle child of mine will never fall through the cracks in our family.

And if for any reason he ever did – all he has to do is yell “penguins!” or “Percy!” At the very least, I’ll try to shut him up with a piece of ice.

Just Call Me Fegan

This is the first Spring that I’ve had the pleasure of watching my children literally burst out of their clothes. And I’m not talking about their tendency to run around naked (that’s a whole other post).

I mean that they all have holes in the knees of their pants. And on top of that, the rags I continue to call clothes aren’t even fitting that well anymore. Inches of wrist show at shirt cuffs and inseams are more appropriate for a flood than a sunny Spring day (the term “high waters” would be an understatement).

These days, when I look at my children, I’m reminded of Fegan’s scruffy band of pickpockets in Oliver!


I’m serious. It’s come to the point where I’m actually sending Oliver to preschool with holey pants since that’s all he has left. Eleanor’s high waters expose her mismatched socks, and George… Well with that new bald head of his, George looks like he was deloused the old fashioned way.

Any traces of color vibrancy their clothes may have had are gone. Those hideously pink outfits of Eleanor’s and the boys’ standard issue red, green and navy have now taken on a decidedly grey cast. Luckily this blends well with the grime that they bring in with them every time I let them go outside. Ever fascinated by the charcoal grill on our back deck, they can’t be left alone for a minute without getting into the ash. Carcinogens aside – the filth of this sends me into a rage (at times like these – I take my poor parenting skills to a whole new level). Street urchins indeed!

Gone are the days that I have bags of clothes to donate to friends or sell at consignment sales. I’m hoping we can make it through one more month before the bare threads become skeletal. Bottom line – my kids are sorry looking bunch of ragamuffins.


So I feel like Fegan, watching them run wild in their rags, charming all around with their guileless smiles and sticky fingers. Maybe a kindly rich stranger will find Oliver wandering around outside in his underwear while I’m inside changing a diaper…

In the meantime, I’m counting the days until warm weather takes over and chilly mornings become a thing of the past. Then I can put them all in in shiny new shorts, brightly colored tee shirts and shoes that don’t have swiss cheese soles.

That is until late September when my ragamuffins return. Then I’ll have to be on the lookout for those rich strangers. Especially the ones looking to adopt a haggard, working mom in her late 30s. Who Will Buy ME This Wonderful Morning? Just kidding of course (sort of).

Womily Touch Jewelry: Great New Gift Idea – Plus Some Bonus Nudity

A while ago, a good friend of mine forwarded me a Daily Candy Philadelphia e-mail spotlighting her cousin’s super cool “touch” jewelry. Womily Touch Jewelry is basically fingerprints cast in silver or gold and then made into necklaces, earrings and cuff links. I thought I’d give Chris some silver cuff links for his birthday.


Since I tend to get my best ideas at the eleventh hour, I wasn’t able to have the cuff links made in time for his birthday. Instead, I gave him the kit so we could all do it together.

The original plan was to have each of the twins put a fingerprint on one of the two cuff links. There was some talk of how Oliver would be represented, and a gold pinkie ring was discussed…but in the end, we decided that Oliver had top billing on plenty of other occasions. This could be something for just the twins (plus – gold pinkie rings are a bit pricey for us in this economy).

We were all set to break out the kit last weekend, but in reading the directions, we realized that we were missing an important ingredient: baby oil. Now, one would think that a woman with three very young children would have some left over baby oil lying around. But I never used baby oil for anything. And we had to wonder – what ARE you supposed to use baby oil for – and are people really using it? It’s always stocked at the grocery store and pharmacy…so one would think so… But as it turned out, NO ONE in our baby-infested neighborhood had any baby oil on hand. Makes you wonder…


We decided to put it off until we could get to the store. In the meantime, Chris and Eleanor ate some stir fry.


By the way, Eleanor was still in the ballet costume that she had been wearing ALL DAY. Just in case you are wondering why she’s in a bathing suit – it’s actually a leotard.

SO first lesson learned in the Touch Jewelry making experience: own or buy baby oil.

We finally got our act together the following evening after the kids did their version of “eating dinner.” I swept crumbs off the table and moved as much playroom debris as possible out of the area where I’d be taking pictures (I don’t mind telling you that we live in chaos – but it’s another thing to flaunt it on film).

I’m not sure why I thought that I’d have a different photography experience than I usually do – but I didn’t. Everyone moved when I wanted them to stay still and faced in the wrong direction. They arranged limbs so that it was impossible to see the product and insisted on closing their eyes for 90% of the pictures I took. I think it’s safe to say that while I think my children are movie star beautiful, I have no hopes for their future in the modeling industry.

In fact – George refused to participate at all. He was too busy ripping off his pants and chasing Oliver around. I don’t care how that may sound – it’s what happened.

The directions were pretty simple and the kit just involved two brass “tools” (which looked somewhat like little caps), two thin discs of wax and two plastic eggs.


We put a couple of drops of the baby oil in the bottom of each tool.


Then we softened the wax under warm water for a couple of minutes.

I should say at this point that during these tasks we were expending about 95% of our energy on trying to keep the kids from playing with the baby oil and “tools” and overturning the table in the mad rush to see what was going on, as well as putting underwear back on Oliver who had just finished up on the potty. So TRULY the procedure was as easy as it gets.

Once the wax was softened we inserted it in the tools and had Eleanor make an imprint in each. We did try to grab George – but he was having none of it.

We let the wax cool for a few minutes, removed it from the tools, placed each one in an egg and then packed everything up to ship to Womily. All so simple and easy! I’m not particularly crafty – so this is my kind of project. There was only one problem:


Eleanor REALLY wanted to play with those plastic eggs, and had a bit of a hissy fit when we packed them away.

It will take several weeks to get the cuff links back, but when we do, I’ll post pictures. Until then, I will leave you with this:


Okay – so this is the nudity I referred to in my title. Sometimes I resort to false advertising to get attention. What of it?

Anyway – back to my semi-nude son… You know it’s Spring when the Hood kids start running around outside in their underwear. We’re a pretty classy group… But at least George put on some shoes. And look at those skinny white legs! I may need to break out the self tanner for that poor pasty little guy…

The Only Piece with Any Importance

Yesderday I wrote a long, self indulgent post about my current anxiety over my life and how these feelings are so out of line right now… I never really write about that kind of thing to begin with – and wow, I can see why!

But I did include some very important information about a family in need of support. At the very end. It may have “flowed better” that way, but it does seem rather backward from a priorities standpoint…my angsty feelings about my life are really secondary.

So I’m reposting that part today. There are actually more direct places to get this information (visit Heather Spohr’s site). But here is what I wrote yesterday.

There are far better things that you can do with your time than feel sorry for yourself. You can help Mike and Heather Spohr defray the cost of the service for Maddie on Tuesday (which is apparently something like $7K).

I personally, have no extra money to spare at the moment, but I donated a few dollars. There is always something to forgo…a cup of coffee, the more expensive brand of frozen pizza, this week’s copy of US Weekly (although that one really hurts…) And if hundreds of people give a few dollars…

the Spohrs don’t have an income right now. Insta-Mom wrote about this today and provides far more detail, but in her words, “Heather was laid off last year and has been at home caring for Maddie since; Mike is an independent contractor and is understandably not working right now. They have no income. And they have a daughter’s funeral to pay for–an expense for which none of us ever expect to need to save.”

Any support you can give would be a huge help to this family. And they do need it right now.

This isn’t a tribute post – It’s a shockingly self indulgent trainwreck that will most likely make your eyes bleed. So I suggest skimming to the end.

Note: If you do choose to read this – please keep in mind that it isn’t a post about a beautiful baby girl who left this world too early. It’s about me and my bad qualities. The beautiful girl and information on how you can help her family are at the end.

I really did mean to write something yesterday – and today…but to be honest, I just haven’t felt like it. Not that I generally report on every lack of inclination to write…but usually my blog neglect is due to being busy or distracted. This time, I’ve just been feeling a little sad.

Sometimes hearing bad news – even when it’s very far removed from your real life – can have that effect. It’s harder to care about what’s going on at work, to be concerned about the fact that your children aren’t wearing pants or to feel inspired to be creative in any way. And then that just builds into a general malaise better suited to college students who can skip class and sleep all day than to working mothers who can’t afford a cleaning service.

I have no business being sad or lazy. But sad and lazy, I am. One day I’m feeling terrible about someone else’s loss, and then two days later I’ve let all kinds of other bad feelings in. Selfish, self indulgent ones that make me add “generally shitty person” to my list of character flaws.

It’s a snowball effect. Or a butterfly effect? Which one relates to eating a pint of chocolate ice cream for lunch? Well either way, sloth and envy saw the crack in my foundation and happily seized upon someone else’s tragedy to kick the woe is me attitude up a notch.

So I haven’t been in the mood to write. And a good thing too since the past few paragraphs are borderline obnoxious. How did my talk of counting blessings and appreciating today get lost in envy of people who don’t worry about money and job security? How can I live with myself, feeling envious of anyone else’s good fortune? Like I said before – I have NO business feeling anything but deliriously happy for another perfect day of so-so.

I think Heather Spohr would take money worries and job dissatisfaction plus a bonus helping of feeling fat over her very real and unbearable grief. And I’m sure Mike would gladly join her in pushing my cement encased body off a pier. I have nothing to complain about when I currently have the rosy fingers of a tomorrow with my children lighting up the horizon.

So basically, I’m disgusted with myself. And I’m this close [insert pinching hand gesture here] to deleting this whole thing and posting a cute picture of a kitten hanging from a tree limb (hang in there blogosphere – it will all turn out in the end)… But sometimes you have to hang out your ugly. People don’t have to look at it if they don’t want to… And I’ll pull it off the line soon enough. Maybe tomorrow. No – definitely tomorrow. I think I’m done with it now. Cathartic writing seems to help. Wish I knew that in high school. (Mmm – maybe not – I can only imagine the notebooks of cringe-worthy angst I would have burn now…)

If you’ve stuck with me so far (and I’m kind of hoping you skipped down to this part…), I’ll leave you with this: there are far better things that you can do with your time than feel sorry for yourself. You can help Mike and Heather Spohr defray the cost of the service for Maddie on Tuesday (which is apparently something like $7K).

I personally, have no extra money to spare at the moment, but I donated a few dollars. There is always something to forgo…a cup of coffee, the more expensive brand of frozen pizza, this week’s copy of US Weekly (although that one really hurts…) And if hundreds of people give a few dollars…

the Spohrs don’t have an income right now. Insta-Mom wrote about this today and provides far more detail, but in her words, “Heather was laid off last year and has been at home caring for Maddie since; Mike is an independent contractor and is understandably not working right now. They have no income. And they have a daughter’s funeral to pay for–an expense for which none of us ever expect to need to save.”

Any support you can give would be a huge help to this family. And they do need it right now.

Me on the other hand… You can ignore my flailing attempts to get back to the pier. I’ll make my way back soon enough – and the ugly will fade as I let the sun dry me off. The warm glow of another tomorrow – even if it’s just one – is always worth the swim back.

Counting Blessings (Alternately Titled: Our Lives Really Don’t Suck)

I had a few different ideas for a post today, but all of them flew right out the window at about 7 a.m. At 7 a.m. I realized, for about the hundred -thousandth time that I am in fact the luckiest woman alive.

You see, I live in semi-squalor with a terminally messy husband and three toddler sized monsters in child costumes. These little demons don’t listen and they scream constantly and create mass destruction wherever they go. But it’s worse when they’re quiet because then we know that something really bad must be going on.

We’ve even given the kids little nicknames to match their evil alter egos. We call Oliver, George and Eleanor (respectively), Id, Chaos and The Brains.

We often speculate about about the white hairs appearing in my husband, Chris’ black hair. He’ll say, “I call this one ‘Oliver,’ and this one ‘George,’ and this one ‘Eleanor’…” And every once in a while, I’ll have my own namesake in there. VERY infrequently though.

Several times a week (or weekend to be honest), Chris will look at me in the middle of our daily anarchy and jokingly say that our lives just kind of suck right now. As in, “it will eventually get better – but for now, it’s a gaping abyss of suckiness.”

As much as I appreciate the humor, I have to beg to differ. We have three beautiful, healthy, larger than life children. This is what makes me the luckiest woman alive. Simply this. Because this is quite simply all that matters.

This morning at 7 a.m. I read that Heather and Mike Spohr, a couple that I have gotten to know through their blogs over the last year, lost their beautiful young daughter Madeline Alice, best known as Maddie. Maddie passed away on Tuesday, April 7, 2009.

How many times do I hear about a terrible tragedy involving a child?

Every day.

How many times does it make me count my blessings for the fact that my own children are at that moment alive and well?

Every single time.

But this is a little different, since this is a child whose face I know so well. It’s one that has made me laugh out loud and sigh with admiration. Maddie’s face is one that you don’t easily forget, so lit up with joy, laughter and wonder.


I can’t imagine what the Spohrs are going through right now. Or more accurately, I CAN imagine it and it scares the hell out of me. But more importantly, it puts everything into perspective.

I don’t care if my house is a mess or if I hate my job or if we have a kitchen the size of a postage stamp. How could any of that matter when right now at this very moment, all three of my children are safely tucked into their own beds with all of their blankets, pacifiers, books, Matchbox cars and stuffed animals. They may be curled up on their stomachs, little bottoms resting lightly on their crossed ankles. Or they may be sprawled on their backs with arms recklessly flung out with palms up – ready to grasp the morning that we all take so for granted each day…

This was a day that I took nothing for granted. And all day I carried Maddie’s sweet little face in my heart.

The Spohrs have asked that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name:

My heart, so full of Maddie right now, goes out to Maddie’s parents, as well as everyone else whose life she touched.

There were many. And many more today. Including me.

So no honey, Our lives really don’t suck. We both know that this life we have right now is nothing short of miraculous. And every time we laughingly complain about it, we also count our blessings.

I can count at least three blessings. And their names are Oliver, George and Eleanor.

Today, mothers who read Maddie’s story felt sad, angry and grateful for today – this one more day with our children. We held them a little tighter. And we counted our blessings over and over and over…

I Love it When Plan Comes Together (Alternately Titled: The Babysitter Who Jumped Out the Window)

I think I’ve had about 20 ideas for things to write over the past few days, and now that I actually have a minute to do it, I can’t remember a single one…

I usually sit down with at least something in mind. Sometimes it’s fully mapped out and just waiting to be typed, and sometimes it’s just an idea for a title.

But I find that the least amount of effort is involved when I’m relating a personal story or anecdote. Anecdotes with a history of verbal storytelling have already been brought to life. No need to construct an outline or think about what you want to say – it’s already been said. This kind of writing feels like taking dictation. Like I can’t even take credit for the words being typed by my own fingers. They are words that already exist in the world without any thanks to me.

So when I’m at a loss for ideas (or for recall of those ideas), I usually fall back on a well loved personal anecdote.

Now I just need to think of one.

I’ve got my title, which currently means nothing, and the plan to tell an old story…so all that is left to do is pick the story and tell it.

Okay – I’ve got one.

The last post I wrote on vomit (now there’s something I’ve never imagined saying), had a lot to do with growing up – or more accurately, becoming a grownup. Because I all too often feel like the teenage babysitter when I’m at home and in charge of my kids. And I should know how that feels because I did a lot of babysitting in my teens and 20s.

So with my segue firmly in place, I can now (ONLY six paragraphs later) tell you a story about babysitting.

One summer, when I was home from college, I acquired “a new family” in my parents’ Capitol Hill neighborhood. One of my father’s co-workers lived in a townhouse across the street from Eastern Market and just a few minutes away from us. They had been renovating the house for a while and it was really beautiful. In fact, I was always a little amazed at how tidy they kept it. But it probably helped that they only had one very well behaved little boy. His name was Sam.

The first time that I ever babysat for Sam, he was a very young three. He could talk – but he was a quiet little guy. A man of few words, if you will. He had big serious brown eyes and a thick cap of straight chestnut hair. He was adorable and I fell immediately in love with him.

Since it was Summer, it was still light out at 7 p.m. And when Sam’s parents left, we sat in the kitchen bathed in the last traces of sunbeams, eating a snack and staring at each other. I don’t remember much about the conversation other than the fact that it was pretty sparse.

Sam just gazed at me as if he was waiting for something to happen. His attentive anticipation was a bit unnerving to me since I really had nothing planned – no balloon animals, no wildly imaginative games, not even any knock knock jokes. I was always more of a raid the refrigerator and watch TV kind of babysitter. This usually suited my charges very nicely since there are very few children who don’t get a thrill from the suggestion, “hey – let’s make brownies!” I was beloved for my enthusiastic baking if nothing else.

But Sam was so shy and serious and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with him. In the meantime, I really needed to use the bathroom, so I excused myself and told him I’d be right back.

I found a bathroom right next to the kitchen which was in the back of the house. It was the last room that needed renovations and didn’t even have a doorknob, but it looked like it was in working order.

As soon as I sat down, I looked up to find Sam shyly peering in at me. So I went over to the door and closed it, telling him that I just needed two minutes of privacy and would be right with him.

This apparently, was a big mistake. When I tried to exit the room, I found that the door had actually latched shut, and the lack of a doorknob presented a serious problem.

I peeked through the door knob sized hole at Sam, who as expected, was peeking in at me from the other side.

Sam?” I asked. “How do Mommy and Daddy open this door?

Use a toothbrush,” he replied.

In looking around I didn’t see any toothbrushes, but I did (inexplicably) find a pencil. I inserted this into the metal mechanism in the center of the hole and tried turning it. No dice.

After several more minutes of pencil rotations and searching for other items to try, I could feel the hysterical laughter building. His parents were due to be home “sometime before midnight” and it was now only 7:15.

There was no way that I could expect a three year old, even a stoic little soul like Sam, to remain in my line of sight through the hole for over four hours. I had to get out of there. And fast. Because paranoia was starting to join hysteria, and I didn’t like the look in Sam’s eyes… Maybe he wasn’t quiet at all and once the initial shyness wore off, he would run for the knife drawer.

Frantically pacing the tiny room like a caged tiger, I thought of every means of escape possible. My lack of upper body strength made breaking down the door unlikely. No phones were handy and the only window available was blocked by a crazy looking shower stall that the previous owners must have added. But upon closer inspection, it appeared that there just MAY have been enough room for me to squeeze through if I tried to exit sideways while sucking in my stomach and channeling a gerbil.

But first, I had to make sure that the old window wasn’t painted shut – which in these old townhouses, was a distinct possibility.

I climbed up onto the toilet, reached behind the shower stall and pushed on the window frame with every scrap of strength my puny little arms could muster. Miraculously, I did manage to get it open. Now I just had to get out on the ledge.

Even with that extra college weight I brought home each June, I was able to just fit through the narrow space, and legs first, pulled myself into a precarious perch. Once I was sitting on the ledge, legs dangling, I assessed the distance. Even though I was on the first floor, townhouses are built rather high, so I was looking at a half story drop.

My old Tretorns didn’t promise much in the way of shock absorption, but at this point, I really didn’t have any choice other than to jump.

I called back into the room, “Sam! I’m going out the window! Come meet me at the front door!

Then I jumped.

And it did hurt, but I didn’t have time to think about it. I literally had to run around the block to get to the front of the house to meet Sam.

The ally led me to the exact opposite side of the block where I turned left and started to sprint. As I hit the last corner, it occurred to me that I hadn’t really given much thought to phase two of this plan.

So when I arrived at the front door (which thankfully included a glass window) and reinstated my staring game with Sam, I was faced with a new challenge: How do I get back in?

We lived in the city, so of course the door was locked. We never left doors unlocked whether we were home or not. Unfortunately, the only occupant currently “home” did not seem to know how to unlock the door.

Then I remembered that during my quick tour of the house, Sam’s mother showed me a high shelf next to the front door where she kept an extra set of keys.

Sam – do you see that shelf?” I asked.

Nod from Sam.

Can you pull up a chair and reach it?

Another nod from silent Sam.

As luck would have it, the shelf was a little too high for a three year old on a chair to reach. So much for my idea of Sam throwing the keys out of the open window on the second floor.

But looking at that open window suddenly reminded me – they were using ceiling fans instead of central air.

That’s right, I thought. She actually mentioned closing the bay windows, and god bless that little Sam who said he preferred the “fresh, clean air.” And turning to my right I saw several window screens.

So I would be breaking in. But at least I wouldn’t have to break glass.

Since the window closest to the front steps was in fact closed (of course) I would have to climb up to one of the others from the front lawn. This was a somewhat risky affair that involved, a spiky wrought iron fence and a drop into the basement stairs – but I managed to scramble up to the window without falling.

And with a rush of adrenaline, I kicked in the screen and flung myself in.

For a few seconds, Sam and I just stood there looking at each other.

Then I realized that I was back in the house and I didn’t have to break a window and Sam wasn’t playing with knives. And I started screaming for joy and jumping up and down like I just found Ed McMahon on my doorstep with a giant check.

Sam cracked a little smile and hopped around a bit. FINALLY, this babysitter was starting to be entertaining.

The entire production, from closing the bathroom door to high fiving Sam in the living room, probably took no more than 15-20 minutes.

Right – so only three to four more hours to kill… I had apparently already used up my best material, so I had to fall back on the fail safes. Cookies and TV sounded pretty good to me at that point. And Sam agreed.

And from then on (even now for all I know), that family referred to me as “The Babysitter Who Jumped Out the Window.”

So my first title did kind of fit. Whether I’m writing or babysitting, I may not always have a plan – but I’m pretty good at pulling it together in the end.

Becoming a Real Mom: Trial by Vomit

So I guess I promised a 1,000+ word dissertation on puke? I’d say that I must have been drunk – but it looks like I posted that at 2:15 p.m.

I’m kidding of course! I’ve been super excited to write my gargantuan post about puke. I’ve just been really busy with work and mothering and promoting my talented friend Christine.

I also haven’t had much time to think about what I’m going to say about puke… So this should be interesting (or really boring – depends on what direction the wine is blowing – does that even make sense?)

Okay – back to the beginning… Eleanor was sick earlier in the week. Some kind of stomach flu to be specific. And there was a moment when she was puking in my hand that I realized just how far I had come in terms of a vomit comfort zone.

You see, there was a time when I NEVER, ever threw up. Ever. I couldn’t. I would lie in bed sweating through the nausea and praying for death to come quickly, but I couldn’t bring myself to just lean over the toilet and heave. I just couldn’t. I had a mental block. Sometime after age nine, a switch was flipped and I literally “couldn’t” puke.

Then I was in college and 21 years old. You are going to find this very hard to believe, but I only puked once in college. Red shots were involved, but otherwise there was nothing of note to report. Seriously – I was home for the night and my roommate held my hair back for me. Snore.

Then I turned 25. And even that was kind of quiet in that I realized what was coming early enough during the birthday celebration to head home before things got ugly in public. I didn’t quite make it into the house, but at least I didn’t soil the cab. Just the street. Which was gleefully pointed out to me by my roommates until it finally rained. Thank god for April showers…

Then I was 30. I was married and not a party animal, and visiting my friend in New Jersey. In fact it was such a low key night that we were just meeting a few of her friends out in Hoboken for Friday night happy hour. The plan was to then have dinner at a good Mexican place and go home early since Saturday would be the night out in the city (for anyone not familiar with this term, “the city” means Manhattan). I’ve written about this once before, but the short version is that I didn’t eat much, but had a few very strong margaritas that made me VERY sick. In Hoboken. In fact, all over Hoboken. And to quote the famously succinct Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

Then a year later I went to China and got food poisoning (it’s part of the experience – there are whole chapters on this in the guide books). The first non-alcohol related puke since my childhood – yeah!

And finally…THEN, I was pregnant and got a stomach flu in my eighth month. My car never smelled the same again…

So that concludes my illustrious history as an infrequent puker.

Why would I feel the need to provide that history? Well – aside from that fact that I can’t write any story without at least 10 paragraphs of background information…I do think it creates a context for my limited experience with vomit.

I don’t know about any other mothers out there, but when I decided to procreate, I did not sign on for vomit. I was a seasoned babysitter, so I expected exploding diapers. I knew that there would be an ungodly amount of diapers – and that was fine. I signed on for that. I was also familiar with spit up. It’s stinky and annoying, but not too bad. And it stops as soon as the baby can sit up. I signed on for that.

But I did not consider the possibility of real puke.

Real puke is something that you never get used to. It’s not like poopie diapers. Poopie diapers are a given. You change them several times a day and very quickly become desensitized to the stench. Case in point: After about one and a half years of having three babies/toddlers in diapers, my three year old became potty trained. Since we had fewer diapers to dump, I stopped keeping the diaper pail in our play room and moved it outside. My adorably candid, four year old neighbor Jonas informed me of the improvement by saying, “Hey Kate! Your house doesn’t stink anymore!”

Awesome.

So no – I’m not exactly squeamish when it comes to my children’s bodily functions. But puking is a different story.

If something doesn’t happen on a daily basis, then it’s not familiar. And if it’s not familiar, then you don’t just “get used to it.” Therefore no one (except maybe a pregnant woman) gets used to puke.

My first experience with baby puke was during those fabulous teething months, when Oliver insisted on jamming everything in his mouth and gagging himself. In fact, it seemed like he tried to gag himself on purpose. We never did figure out the reasoning behind this bulimic behavior. But I didn’t particularly care about reasons when I had him on the changing table after his bath and he decided to stick his finger down his throat. All I have to say is thank god for the hooded baby towel. But trying to clean vomited peas and carrots out of my child’s ears over the sink was an experience I could have done without.

Since then I’ve encountered pretty much every child vomit-related situation. I’ve stood in the bathroom in the middle of the night holding a crying toddler as he or she puked all over me – over and over and over again. I’ve had to sit in rush hour traffic for 30 minutes while yelling back to a sobbing, vomit covered child that we’d be home “very soon.” I’ve watched three children throwing up simultaneously while I stood frozen for several seconds, wondering where to start first.

In any given situation, vomit is generally unexpected and unwelcome. And unlike diapers and spit up, no one actually grows out of it.

But I will say that in the past few years, I have become a very quick thinking and level headed strategist when it comes to puking children.

And the other weekend when we were out to lunch and Eleanor started making gagging noises. I instinctively held my hand under her chin to catch as much of the vomit as possible.

Then I dumped it onto her plate.

Then I asked a waiter for paper napkins and started cleaning her up.

Then I told Chris to take George with him to buy her a new outfit (we were in a mall).

Then I discreetly stripped her and covered her with Chris’ jacket.

Then I joked with our waiter and cleaned the table and the chair the the floor under the chair with a rag.

Then I told Oliver and Eleanor how good and patient they were being while we waited for Daddy.

Then I finished my soup.

Then I kept my exasperation in check when my flustered husband showed up with a summer outfit (it was chilly march) involving a onesie of all things…

Then I kept all three kids together outside of the restaurant while we waited for Chris to pay the check.

Then I spent the next hour in the kids’ play area with them even though I knew that my right hand still smelled like puke (never did get a chance to wash up).

And in the end – that’s when I finally felt like a real mom. Not when I gave birth or gave my baby his first bath (technically I didn’t – my Aunt Jan did while I sat on a bag of frozen peas) or started to get used to the sleepless nights. Because all of that was anticipated and expected (except for the frozen peas).

For me, becoming a real mom meant doing the unfamiliar and unexpected things. Facing the unknown and learning to take it in stride. Child vomit was my unknown territory – my Wild West – my own personal moon landing. “Puke: The final frontier.”

This all may sound rather silly and inconsequential, but if you think about it, vomit is terrifying. It’s a sign of weakness, illness, helplessness. And as parents, we live in fear of our children experiencing any of those traits. It doesn’t matter if a baby has a minor flu bug or decided to stick a Lincoln Log down his throat – throw up is throw up. And the primal reaction of is fear.

Parents live in fear on a daily basis. Fear of both the known and the unknown. And puking represents the unknown – that which is beyond our control. But at the end of the day, parents are responsible for taking charge of any given situation and exerting control wherever they can. I can’t make my child not puke, but I can hold out my hand to help.

So for me, that is when I stopped feeling like the teenage babysitter and instead started to claim my seat at the grownup table. I can take control of a situation. I can face the unknown with cool consideration. And dammit, I can pick up my child’s vomit and toss it onto a plate without batting an eye.

I think I’m ready for my silver star. I’m sheriff of this here family and all interlopers will have to answer to me. I’ll run vomit out of town on a rail. And if it comes to a showdown at high noon, best keep in mind that I’m the fastest draw in the West. That is when it comes to catching puke in my hand.

You Are an Underdog Who Will Win a Writing Contest – In Bed

I was trying to come up with a title that would combine three separate things… It was supposed to sound like a fortune cookie with that “in bed” ending – but I have to admit…it’s pretty pathetic.

So I’ll get to the point.

First – one of my Materialistic Monday posts on beds is featured on myilive’s Local Days blog today. So go check it out!

Second – I thought I’d let you know that myilive is currently running a $1,200 DC shopping contest. You just have to write about your worst shopping experience in 200 words or less. This is open to anyone – so you don’t need a blog (and I don’t think you have to be a DC resident – but living in the area would probably facilitate the shopping spree…) Visit myilive for details!

Third – I’m having blogger’s remorse over my Underdogs Unite website. It was supposed to be ironic (Hang on! I’m being ironic and featuring pictures of an old school cartoon character…does this make me a hipster? What do you think Prada?), but I was also serious about hearing from other Underdogs and featuring them. Since no one has sent me any requests in 24 hours, I’m probably just going to take it offline and file it under, “we will never speak of this again.” So if I don’t hear from anyone in a week, Underdog will officially leave the building. No idea what I’m talking about? Read this.

Other than that, my week is off to a lovely start with a birthday (Oliver turned four yesterday) and a lot of vomit. Eleanor is sick. So I’ll report more on that tomorrow. Which means there will be a token picture of Oliver in his birthday crown, and 1,000+ words devoted to puke. Because seriously – I know what the people want.

Because Everyone Loves an Underdog

Remember my very enthusiastic friend Christy who guest posted for me last week with a story about how she almost sent her male boss pregnancy Spanx through Amazon.com? Well she also happens to be my biggest fan.

I’m serious – she thinks I’m fabulous. And it would be a lie to say that it hasn’t given me just a little bit of an ego boost.

If I could bottle that encouragement and sell it as a perfume for teenage girls, I think I could single handedly do away with eating disorders, “bad reputations” and various other byproducts of low self esteem. At the very least there would be far fewer boyfriends whose chief appeal is the ability to offer “couple” status.

But sub par teenage boyfriends aside, I think EVERYONE needs a Christy. The Christys of the world make us believe that anything is possible and that we are worthy of that possibility. They are wonderful friends and I consider myself very lucky to have one of my own.

Especially when she nominates me for awards.

That’s right – she isn’t all talk. She actually takes her encouragement a step further. The other day she informed me that she nominated me for a Blogger’s Choice ’09 award: Best Humor Blog.

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!

I would never have considered such a thing. This is probably my favorite blog genre, so I’m very familiar with what would be considered “the competition.” Let me tell you – it’s no contest. I certainly find myself amusing (what – like you can’t tell?) but I can’t technically label this site a humor blog.

I’ve written about everything from having children with special needs to pretty handbags I found on Etsy. True – I write quite a few anecdotes that again, I personally find amusing…but I can’t say that I fit into an actual genre. At least I didn’t SEE a Best Whatever Strikes My Fancy on Any Given Day category.

So with my recently enlarged head firmly in place, I decided to try to find the category that best fit my all across the board content, and nominate myself.

Behold:

My site was nominated for The Blogitzer!

I am currently one of the top contenders for The Blogitzer (as in The Top 53). Right now the #1 spot is held by Heather Armstrong of Dooce. I’m so going to win this one… And I’m off to a roaring start with two votes (that would be me, and of course Christy).

I know – it’s ridiculous. But I just had to do it. I’ve been working so hard to do something about my passive tendency to let Fate, like a distracted pet owner, lead me aimlessly through life. I need to become master of my own destiny, and ANY tiny, flailing attempt is better than nothing. I’m tired of just being along for the ride. I am no one’s purse puppy, and I refuse to be Fate’s bitch.

Instead, I’m just another underdog. Which actually works for me since I’ve always had a thing for underdogs. Lloyd from Say Anything? Chandler from Friends? McDreamy from Can’t Buy Me Love? Well hel-lo sailor! If that’s the company I’ll be keeping, you’ll hear no complaints from me.

BUT…after taking this public stand against Fate, I have to admit that I felt a little silly. I mean it’s so small fish/big pond. I realize that I have no chance of ever actually winning anything Internet-related with my handful of readers and my severe lack of time for social media in general… But there is something very satisfying about the gesture.

And for me, the combination of silly and self satisfied generally serves as a catalyst for even MORE embarrassing behavior. As in “ten years later, I will manically burn all traces of evidence” kind of embarrassing.

So how’s this for evidence to destroy? I decided to start a website: Underdogs Unite.

It’s for people like me, who have been nominated for something even though it’s unlikely that anyone will ever know.

Have YOU been nominated for something? Well…I’D like to know. And that’s ONE more person at least.

So come visit me at my totally ridiculous, embarrassing, and obviously ironic little underdog support group. It’s an open invitation, so feel free to bring your loser friends.

Why keep sitting in the audience?

May I admire you?

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K…

We’re going streaking! Th… W… There’s more coming.

You’re so money and you don’t even know it!

Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

This is our time.

We’re on a mission from God.

Vote for Pedro!

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

So who’s with me? Let’s vote for the underdogs! I say our time has finally come!

Because everyone loves an underdog.

UnderdogsUnite

And will one of us do the unthinkable and actually WIN one of those damn awards?

We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.

(I’m so regretting this in the morning…)