Last week, I had one of those increasingly frequent inexplicable physical ailments that make me think my body is literally falling apart. It’s age right? I’m just getting old. As if wrinkles weren’t enough of a reminder…
This time it was my knee. Not my favorite body part on the best of days, it decided to become even less attractive by swelling up and turning bright red. And it really hurt, which made me worry about injuries to my knee cap. Chris once had a torn meniscus and it took months to heal. There were even crutches involved.
And I’ll tell you right now that I CANNOT be injured like that at the moment. It’s the beginning of summer!
I have to entertain two four year olds and a six year old all day every day, and had planned to do that with trips to the pool, walks in the woods and general avoid the TV at all costs so Oliver won’t pick up any other bizarre cartoon mannerisms that make him look like a mini-mime activities. I was actually mentally preparing myself for this, as I’m not a naturally energetic and playful person.
I’m also not one to make a big deal out of aches and pains (or even swelling), so everyone knew I was serious when I pulled out the ibuprofen and ice packs. I even harassed Chris by demanding an examination and prognosis every ten minutes and detailed descriptions of what a torn meniscus felt like.
I considered going to the ER.
I know – it sounds like a huge overreaction, but I wanted to know exactly what was wrong and what I should be (and shouldn’t be) doing so I could fix it as quickly as possible.
Chris told me that it would probably look better in the morning, and if it didn’t I could see my doctor.
It didn’t. And I did.
Luckily I could get a morning appointment since their Friday hours are shorter. And expecting the actual consultation to be fast, I didn’t bother looking for a last minute sitter for the twins. It wouldn’t scare them to see a doctor poke at my knee, and I wouldn’t have to worry about the TMI aspect of say, an annual internal exam with my gynecologist. So I figured I could just bring them in with me.
We arrived and waited a bit, then FINALLY, a medical professional took a look at my giant, puffy knee cap and said, “huh…”
Apparently, the fact that I was able to walk and stand without excruciating pain ruled out tears or other serious problems with muscle and bone. But the lack of an obvious point of entry (like from a bug bite) or bruise didn’t provide any other answers.
I told her about how I thought I may have banged my knee on the car door a couple of days before, but that it was hard to remember since I do something like that roughly a thousand times a week. That didn’t help to shed any further light on the subject.
I also pointed to what looked like a slightly bluish area next to my knee that could possibly be a bruise. But then she pointed to a soon-to-be varicose vein and said the discoloration was probably connected to that. Talk about insult to injury! Bringing my unsightly old lady leg veins into this…
But wait! It gets better. She started to give me a long technical explanation about what they look for in cases like mine that sounded something like, “blah blah blah swelling blah blah blah point of entry blah blah blah bruise blah blah blah pain blah blah blah blah blah blah gout blah blah blah…”
WAIT a minute! Stop right there. Did she just say GOUT? As in “I may have gout?” Seriously?
Seriously??
Okay – so there may have been a couple of other unintelligible and unmemorable possibilities that were mentioned…but I guess I only have ears for “gout.”
Remember – I just had a hernia repair surgery a few months ago. You can’t give me gout now. What am I? An eighty year old man?!
It’s just wrong…
So after she revived me with smelling salts (just kidding), she handed me two orders for tests. First, blood work upstairs and then an x-ray downstairs. All of which took an additional two hours to complete.
I have to throw in there that my four year old twins were major troopers about the whole thing. On top of their concern that mom might “get dead” (because needles and machines make things seem pretty serious), we spent a lot of time in waiting rooms where they had to sit still and be quiet (epilogue: they did neither).
A few days later (featuring elephant-size doses of ibuprofen every eight hours), the swelling has gone down considerably. And while still sore, it feels more like I have a bad bruise than a leg threatening disease. So I’m no longer concerned about my forced march of an active summer being put at risk.
Still no word on the test results though. I was told it would probably be another day or two before I got a call – and I really don’t think I have gout…but I’ll let you know either way.
The important thing is that I’m feeling better. And that I’ve been humiliated with ANOTHER potential ailment associated with men who are on their third wife and their fourth red Ferrari. Can’t wait to see what comes my way next! Check back in a few months to hear all about how my sciatica has been acting up.
See ya’ around the Senior Center!
Too funny, in an omg kind of way! You better post the results when you get them. Now, I'm off to google gout.
I am sorta still laughing, but only because it's getting better and yeah…
Yikes, gout??? Come to think of it though, Dad had something very similar at about your age and it was diagnosed as gout or phlebitis. He had to have a course of antibiotics and keep his leg elevated and it went away never to return. Don't worry. You can see how he's jumping around and pretty chipper even at our advanced age! Do let me know though the minute you get results.
Love you,
Mom
Oh my goodness! This is a hilarious post, Kate! That said, I am sorry about the mystery ailment. I have another young, gorgeous friend who had gout, so if you do have it, take heart– you're not an old fogey.
Gout is wrong. I agree. Glad it's feeling better & may you not have 80 year old man leg disease.
I think we're aging at the same pace!!
I found a vein looking awfully vericosish this week. Should I go buy the support socks?
Maybe I should google it.
Hang in there!
GOUT?! insane! although, eighty year old man is the newest trend, i think…
yes?
{thanks for your sweet reassurance, by the way, about esme. i feel like i'm floundering half the time, but you made me feel better. xoxo.}
Aging really sucks. There are all sorts of weird things that happen which I can attribute to getting old. It really sucks. Wow, I'm not doing much to make you feel better… This was a funny post that I thoroughly enjoyed if that makes you feel any better. :)
You are hilarious, Kate! The important thing is that you are feeling better – glad to hear that. I got an AARP card in the mail the other day….talk about depressing…their dates are seriously off. xo
I am very sorry for your diagnoses and potential illnesses, and I would like to offer you membership in my new club. I don't have a catchy name for it yet, but anyone under 65 who has been diagnosed with (or threatened with a diagnosis of) gout, or who has received an AARP membership mailing (moi!) can be a charter member.
I hope this turns out to be nothing. My fear, of course, ran straight where it always goes: bite from a terrifically poisonous spider. (Sorry if that puts further worry in your head, though no doubt your doc mentally ruled that out already.)
so so so?
the suspense is killing me….
and for the record. i have a 33 yr old friend who DOES have gout. he's as active as ever so stop. you're not a senior citizen…yet!?!
xxxx