This is something that I often hear myself saying to my daughter when she tries to wrestle with one of her brothers, and then ends up crying and wanting to be held and soothed. The fact that she’s not quite two years old makes me a little sympathetic – but I also know that this is a life lesson she needs to learn. She can’t always win, and she has to know that this is okay. And that she should keep trying. So far, she does keep trying – and I love seeing that. I wish I had been more like her growing up. In my usual late-to-the party-style, I’m only just starting to do this right.
I recently heard from a good friend and previous co-worker that my blog came up at the weekly directors meeting. Obviously I did not spam myself out to everyone there – but I do keep in touch with a few people. One of them brought it up to another one in the meeting. You know – in front of male V.P.s with whom I’ve only ever had professional relationships. Because of course they are the first people I would want to read my posts about my husband’s slovenly habits or see that I actually said “once you go black…” online.
My initial reaction was to be horrified by the idea that one of them might actually look me up (and I’m sure that at least one has). But then I remembered that I don’t work there anymore. I don’t write negative things about that organization or the people that work there. And even if I did, what are they going to do – fire me? Why would I care what they think if I don’t keep in touch with them? What kind of power do these people – or any people – have over me?
When you set up a website with your name on it (your real name), then you have to be okay with anyone reading it. I’m sure that primarily women are reading my blog – but that doesn’t mean men can’t read it too. And I can’t assume that everyone that visits my site is a friend. There are just as many new visitors each day as there are return visitors. And most of them are strangers. I’m sure some of them are men and I know some of them are perverts. And yes – a handful of them will probably be people that I used to know.
So it’s really all or nothing. If you want to put yourself out there, you have to stand behind anything you say. There is always the option of using a pseudonym, but I think even that has its complications. You can’t fear what people think about you. You have to be willing to be associated with what you write. By anyone.
I spent most of my formative years being cautious. I tended to have very close friends in whom I knew I could confide. I could be myself with them and I didn’t censor my thoughts or feelings. But to the rest of the world, I stayed neutral. I didn’t seek out the spotlight and didn’t break the rules. I actively tried to be (for lack of a better word) safe. And on the few occasions that I was forced to take a chance or try something “scary,” I found any failure or rejection devastating. I wasn’t ready to risk that. That part I knew. I knew that I couldn’t take it.
But now I can. Now I can say what I want. In the out loud voice. Online. I am not outrageous or crude – but I don’t censor myself either. I have taken a few chances (my husband is still mortified about my posts about Mormon bloggers) and I’ve even had to experience a little hate mail (regarding my SUV). But I can take it.
I don’t regret the person I used to be. But everyone can change for the better. I used to think I was nice – but now I think I was just scared. And as a result, I made myself small. The fear will never completely go away – but now I really can take it. So it feels good to try to be big. Notice I didn’t name my blog The Small Piece of Cake. I’m finally ready to take some chances in life.
And if I get hurt? I can take it. So bring it.
